Waiting For Rachel: A Christian Romance (Those Karlsson Boys) (17 page)

“You are not able to have a child of your own now, but you can adopt. Perhaps there is a precious child who will need you as their mother. And if you had been able to have children of your own, you may not have considered adopting, and the child who needed you would not have you in their life.”

Tears pricked at Rachel’s eyes. Maybe the Lord hadn’t taken away her ability to have children because He didn’t think she would be a good mother, but that He had a special child in mind for her to mother. Even Mari. Without other children, Rachel had been able to welcome Mari into her life with no trouble, and was now able to be at her side without having to worry about neglecting her other children.

For so long she’d been focused on the negative.
Every cloud has a silver lining.
It had been a favorite saying of her grandmother’s. Over the years she’d just been more focused on the cloud than on the lining of silver that promised hope and joy.

Rachel bowed her head and buried her face in her hands.
Oh Father, forgive me for my bitterness and joyless spirit. So long I have carried a sin I need not have for Your son bore it to Calvary for me, and now it is forever gone. Remove this burden from me and help me to find joy. Your joy.

“May I pray for you now, Rachel?” Doug Ellis asked in a soft, gentle voice.

Rachel nodded. She felt the man’s hand rest upon her shoulder and listened as he prayed for her.

“Father, I lift
Your child up before You today. Flood her with Your peace. Let her taste Your joy, the joy that comes only from You and that will sustain her even in difficult circumstances like she is facing now.

“We pray
You will touch her precious daughter’s body and heal the wounds she bears. Give Rachel strength, Your strength, to deal with all that comes her way. As she makes decisions for Mari’s future and even for her own.

“And Father, I ask too that you help Rachel to allow herself to be loved. She has not said the words, but as I listened to her I could hear pain, the pain that comes from feeling unworthy of Your love or anyone else’s. She is worthy, Father, because Your son took her unworthiness upon Himself and presented her to You an unblemished child, clothed in white.

“I ask all of this in Your precious son’s name. Amen.”

Rachel lifted her head and stared in amazement at the man sitting beside her. “How did you know? When I didn’t even know myself, how did you know?”

“That you feel unworthy of love?” he asked.

Rachel nodded as she tried to sort through the flood of emotions caused by his prayer.

“When you get to my age,” he began, a smile deepening the creases of his face, “there’s not much I haven’t experienced. You’re not the first person to cross my path who has struggled with this. And, sad to say, you probably won’t be the last.

“I can’t take credit for being all-knowing, but at times the Lord impresses on me an area of vulnerability that a person is struggling with. Usually He opens my eyes as well as my ears to see this. I sensed in you a feeling of unworthiness because you felt you had never fully atoned for the sin you’d committed.”

Rachel covered her face with her hands, feeling dampness on her fingertips as she pressed them against her eyes. It grieved her to think of how much she’d lost over the years. Of missed opportunities to share what had happened to her and to allow her relationships with others to deepen.

It was amazingly freeing to think about sharing everything with those she loved and know, yes really know, that they would love her and not judge her for her past.

“Thank you.” Rachel looked at the chaplain through a veil of tears. “Thank you so much.”

“I will continue to pray for you. May I visit Mari?”

Rachel nodded. “Oh, please do. I think she would like that.” She gave him the information for Mari’s room and then stood. “I need to get back.”

The chaplain stood as well and walked with her to the doors of the chapel. “Keep your joy in the Lord, Rachel.”

Rachel smiled. “I will.”

She left the chapel with a spring in her step that hadn’t been there earlier. Bolstered by the time spent with the chaplain, Rachel started to think about her dad. Just as Christ had forgiven her for her past sins, her dad was also forgiven. She could not hold against him that which Christ did not.

The doors of the elevator opened on Mari’s floor, and Rachel stepped out. Since the card with her dad’s phone number was at home, Rachel decided to see if she could get his number through information. She needed to make things right with him. It was time her past truly became her past.

But first she wanted to see Mari again.

“Can I see her?” Rachel asked the now familiar nurse at the nurses’ station.

The nurse smiled and nodded. “I think she’s awake.”

Though Damian still weighed on her mind, Rachel decided Mari needed her attention right then. Once things were going better for Mari, Rachel would sort out what had happened with Damian, but for now she’d focus on her daughter.

Mari was awake when Rachel walked into her room. A smile lit her thin, bruised face. “Rachel!”

Chapter Seventeen

Damian swung his truck into the driveway and sat for a few moments rotating his head from side to side to work out the kinks. He moved slowly into the house and tossed his jacket and keys on the kitchen table.

What Rachel had told him was in the back of his mind, but Damian didn’t want to think about it right then. He had other things he needed to do, things he’d promised Rachel he’d do. No matter what else, Damian would continue to be there for her.

Thirsty, he went to the fridge and pulled out a soda. He had planned to come home to sleep but now he knew he wouldn’t be able to so caffeine was definitely needed now.

Soda
in hand he went to his desk and picked up the phone to make his first call. Damian pulled the small piece of paper Rachel had given him out of his pocket and dialed. The call didn’t go anything like he had thought it would. When he hung up the receiver ten minutes later he was so grateful that Mari had come to find Rachel. Her aunt had seemed disappointed to hear that Mari hadn’t been killed in the accident. Carmen Hewitt had said Mari had stolen what was rightfully hers and other equally hateful things.

Damian couldn’t believe someone could actually feel that way about another family member, although Carmen had made it pretty clear during their conversation that as far as she was concerned, Mari wasn’t family. Sure they weren’t related by blood but Mari’s parents had loved and wanted her. That should have counted for something. Apparently it didn’t for Carmen Hewitt
Davis.

Frowning, Damian picked up his
soda and drained the last of it, trying to erase the bad taste his conversation with Carmen had left in his mouth. He knew Rachel would give Mari the love she needed, and it would more than make up for the lack of affection from her aunt.

Wearily Damian climbed the stairs to his bedroom. The bed called to him, but he ignored it and headed for the shower. He didn’t have time to sleep, he had to get back to see Rachel. Hoping the shower would rejuvenate him, Damian turned the spray on full and cold.

The bracing coldness of the water helped to clear the sleepiness from his mind. When Damian stepped out of the shower he felt better, though still tired. He pulled on a clean pair of jeans and then used the towel to clear the mirror so he could see to shave without cutting himself.

Back in his bedroom he finished dressing. He had just sat down on the side of the bed to pull on his socks when his phone rang. Worried it might be Rachel, Damian answered it right away.

“Damian? It’s Dad.”

Capturing the receiver between his ear and shoulder, Damian bent to pull his socks on. “Dad? What’s up?”

“I know you’re trying to sleep, but we need your help.”

“What’s happened?” Damian slowly straightened, his other sock hanging limply from his fingers.

“Jace’s gone.”

“Gone?” Damian stood and began to pace. How much more could go wrong? “What do you mean gone?”

“When we got home he said he wanted to sleep. I decided to go to church even though it was late, but your mother stayed with him.” Mike sighed. “I got home about five minutes ago and went to check on Jace. He left a note saying he couldn’t stay, that he didn’t want to be a reminder to Mari of what he’d done to her.”

Anchoring the phone between his shoulder and ear again, Damian sat down and pulled on his other sock. “I’ll be over as soon as I can, Dad.”

“I’m sorry to have bothered you, son.” Damian could hear the weariness in his father’s voice.

“Don’t worry about it. I would have been upset if you hadn’t called me. I’ll see you in a few minutes, okay?”

Damian hung up and stood there for a few minutes trying to pull himself together. His mind felt like it was on overload. If one more thing went wrong, it would surely push him right over the edge.

Any energy he’d gained from his shower had been zapped, and as Damian headed down the stairs he had to consciously focus on what he was doing. He grabbed
another can of pop, eager for a further boost the caffeine could give him. At this rate he’d probably be better off stopping and buying an energy drink or two.

He pulled out of the driveway ten minutes after his dad’s call. His cell phone was in his hand and he’d punched in the first couple of numbers for the nurses’ desk, but then stopped. Rachel didn’t need any more worries on her plate. Hopefully he’d be able to track Jace down in the next couple of hours so when he showed back up at the hospital she’d be none the wiser about what had happened.

*****

Thank you, Lord!
Rachel hadn’t stopped saying it since she’d walked into Mari’s room half an hour earlier. Nothing could describe the joy Rachel had felt when she’d seen recognition, true recognition, in her daughter’s eyes. Mari was also less agitated than she’d been since the accident. Just knowing who she was seemed to settle her.

Not that she remembered everything. The two weeks leading up to the accident were still a blank. Mari didn’t remember Christmas or telling Rachel who she was. And she didn’t remember Jace. Rachel hoped that like the rest of her memory, it would just be a matter of time. The doctor said it was possible Mari would never recall those two weeks, but Rachel was holding out hope for yet another miracle.

Unable to keep a smile from her face, Rachel went back to the waiting room so she could use her phone. She wanted to phone Damian and let him know but also realized he needed his sleep. And she really wasn’t sure how to approach him after the way their last conversation had ended. 

She decided to call her dad and have a long overdue chat. It wasn’t all that difficult to get his number since Rachel happened to remember the street he lived on, though not the house number. She paused to pray before punching in the number.

The phone rang four times before it connected to an answering machine. Rachel was disappointed at first but then realized that it was possible they weren’t home from church yet. She debated hanging up, but by the time her father’s voice instructed her to leave a message, she’d decided to do just that.

“Hi, Dad, this is Rachel. I’m calling to say I got your card, and that I…” Rachel’s voice faltered for a second, doubts assailing her.
Can I really do this?
When that thought brought no peace, Rachel knew she had to forgive him. “I forgive you. I’d like to talk to you, but I’m not going to be at my house for a while. I’ll try calling again later. There’s a lot we have to catch up on.”

Rachel hung up and stood the
re for a few seconds, her hand gripping the phone. One difficult task down, one more to go. But she was going to have to wait for Damian to make the next move. She’d told him what he’d asked to hear; now he had to decide what to do with that information.

There was an ache in Rachel’s heart as she thought of not having Damian in her life, but at the same time she felt at peace about it. If she and Damian weren’t meant to be together, God must have something better…for both of them. She couldn’t imagine loving another man the way she loved Damian, but Rachel trusted God to direct her path and her feelings.

Putting a smile back on her face, Rachel returned to Mari’s side. One step at a time, she reminded herself, she’d take everything one step at a time.

*****

“Damian!” His parents engulfed him in a hug when he walked through their front door.

The three of them stood there for several minutes, Sharon weeping softly.

“It’s going to be okay. We’ll find Jace and bring him home,” Damian said, hoping he was right.

“If only I hadn’t gone to sleep. I should have stayed awake. I would have heard him leave.”

“Don’t blame yourself, Mom. People in this situation are taking too much blame. Jace is a grown man. He should have realized this was no solution for his problem.”

“My baby,” Sharon sobbed.

Though he was tired, worried and frustrated, Damian couldn’t keep from smiling. Jace hated it when his mom called him her baby. Damian pulled Sharon close. “Your baby is going to be just fine. After I get through with him for pulling such a ridiculous stunt.”

Sharon pulled back and gave him a reproving look. “Don’t you lay a finger on him.”

“Don’t worry, Mom. I don’t think I have the strength to do anything but talk at the moment. Now, let me see that note.”

Mike handed him a folded piece of paper. Damian opened it up and began to read. As he did, a pit began to form in his stomach. This was not a snap decision, he could tell that from reading Jace’s words. His brother had put some thought into his plan, and unless Jace decided he wanted them to find him, they wouldn’t. Obviously he’d spent his night in the hospital planning this all out.

Damian looked up at his parents, meeting their expectant gazes with dread. “He didn’t run away. He left. It sounds to me from this note that he put a lot of thought into it, and most likely we’re not going to be able to find him until he contacts us.”

“No,” Sharon said shaking her head. “Don’t say that, Damian. You need to get out there and find him.
Call the police or something!”

“Mom.” Damian took his mother’s arm and led her into the living room, forcing her to sit down on the couch. “Jace is twenty-one, an adult now. He’s made a decision. Not a decision we like, but he’s made one nonetheless. We just need to wait for him to contact us.”

“But what if something happens to him?”

Damian saw the desperation in his mother’s eyes and felt a sense of failure. “He’ll be okay. You haven’t raised dummies, Mom. Okay, this move of Jace’s isn’t exactly bright, but he knows how to take care of himself.”

“Can we at least call the police?” Sharon pleaded.

“You can, if it will make you feel better, but I think they’ll probably tell you what I just did. He’s an adult. This is not a case of a runaway kid. He chose to leave, and they’ll say it was his right.”

Sharon jumped up from the couch and began to pace with heavy stomps around the living room. Damian and his father watched as she vented her pain and frustration. They glanced at each other, and Damian saw his own helplessness reflected in his father’s eyes.

“Mom, I’m going to go back to my place and see if he left a message on my answering machine or sent me an email. In the meantime I think all we can do is pray that God will keep
him safe.”

The phone rang. All three of them turned to stare at it. Sharon was closest and grabbed it. “Jace?”

Damian and his dad left the living room in search of the extension phones. In the kitchen Damian lifted the receiver in time to hear his little brother’s voice.

“I’m okay, Mom.”

“You come home right this instant, young man,” Sharon demanded as only a mother could.

“Sorry, Mom, I can’t. I explained in the note why I can’t. I won’t force Mari to be around me knowing what I’ve done to her.”

“It was an accident, Jace,” Damian said.

“Damian, I’m glad you’re there. I know it was an accident, but still, I was responsible for Mari’s safety, and I let her down.”

“Come home, bro. Running away isn’t going to solve anything.”

A long silence ensued. Damian was afraid Jace had hung up.

“I can’t,” he said finally. “I’m only calling to let you know I’m okay. That I’m going to be okay. Once I’m settled I’ll contact you again.”

“Do you have enough money, son?” Mike spoke for the first time.

“I have my savings, Dad. I’ll be fine.”

Damian could hear his mother’s sobs over the line. “Jace, be sure and contact us soon. For our peace of mind, especially Mom’s.”

“I will. I love you all.”

“Don’t lose your faith in God, son,” Mike said, emotion heavy in his voice. “We love you.”

After Jace hung up, Damian stood for a few moments, his hand wrapped tightly around the receiver. He hoped his mother survived this.

Back in the living room he found her sitting on the couch, hands folded in her lap. Her face was pale and bore a look of resignation. Her last son had flown the coop. Literally.

Damian sat down next to her and looped his arm around her shoulder. “He’s going to be fine, Mom. You raised your boys to be independent and strong.”

Sharon didn’t say anything but held herself stiffly in his embrace.

“You need to go get some rest, son,” Mike said as he joined them. “I’ll take care of your mother.”

“Okay. Call me if anything else develops.”

Damian left his parents’ house, wondering if he really should drive home. He felt lightheaded from lack of sleep and now was emotionally drained as well.

He sat for a minute in the cab of the truck before starting it up. He’d take the side streets and drive slowly. The last thing they needed was another accident.

Damian debated returning to the hospital. He really needed to talk to Rachel, but he was inches from hitting a wall of exhaustion. Talking with her required clarity of mind and emotional strength. He had neither right then.

Their conversation would have to wait until he’d had a bit of sleep. Just enough to take the edge off his exhaustion.
He had a feeling that no amount of caffeine would keep him going at this point.