Walking on Sunshine: A Sweet Love Story (Seasons of Love Book 1) (20 page)

“He's just a jerk. I'm sorry we pushed you on Thursday to find out.” Tricia patted me on the shoulder.

“No, I needed to do it,” I sniffled, wiping at my nose. “There was something that I felt he was keeping from me since the beginning. My head was telling me no, but my heart and body were telling me yes. I should have listened to my brain.”

We sat in silence for another few minutes, only to be broken by my phone vibrating. I looked at it. It was Cee. I picked it up and held it in my hand, unsure of what I wanted. I wanted to throw it across my kitchen, but that would break it. And I hated the thought of having to buy a new one. Melissa grabbed it from me and answered it.

“Leave her alone. She doesn’t need you and your shit right now,” she announced, hung up the phone, and handed it back to me.

I was glad she had done that. Maybe he would get the picture that I didn’t want to talk to him again. I hit the silence button and put it back down on the table. The girls looked at me, watching to see my reaction. I took a big breath in. All I wanted to do was crawl under a rock and sleep.

“I really appreciate you here, but all I want to fall asleep. If you guys don’t mind showing yourself out. I am going to lay down.” They all smiled and nodded in understanding.

I walked over to my couch and put my head on the arm. Melissa came and draped a blanket across my shoulders as I closed my eyes and listened for the girls all leave the kitchen and close the door.

I
had a fitful sleep, tossing and turning with nightmares. I woke up to the sun setting. My phone lit up as another text message came in. I had five missed calls and seven text messages, all from Cee. I couldn’t listen to the voicemails that he left. The thought of having to hear his voice made me sick. I clicked through the texts.

––––––––

I
'm sorry

––––––––

I
can explain

––––––––

I
love you

––––––––

I
never meant to hurt you.

––––––––

I
couldn’t look at them anymore and deleted the rest of them before I opened them up. My stomach let out a low grumble. It had been a long time since breakfast. I got up and stretched my stiff legs as I made my way to the fridge.

Inside was a box from my favorite Chinese restaurant and a bottle of plum wine. Someone sneaked in while I was asleep to drop off this food for me. They even included some chocolate chip cookie dough ice-cream in the freezer. I smiled, thankful for my friends and that I didn’t have to figure out dinner on my own.

I tossed the food in the microwave and popped open the bottle of wine. I left the lights off in the kitchen glad to have it gloomy like my mood. The aroma of the Pad Thai filled the kitchen and I couldn’t wait any longer.

I stopped the microwave, unable to wait the remaining ten seconds. My glass was filled to the max of plum wine and I carefully carried it and my hot plate over to the couch. I sipped my drink and ate my food. The Pad Thai was perfect and spicy, just the way I wanted it. For a few moments, I concentrated on nothing but the food and drink.

I didn't think about calories, or fat content, or anything but the spicy goodness filling the gaping hole in my life. One of them at least.

I patted my full belly and looked at the damage. An order of Pad Thai normally lasted me for two dinners, but tonight I wanted to eat my feelings till they were drowned in noodles. I had eaten the whole container.

As I flipped through some television stations, I heard a car pull up. I sneaked over to the window and peered out. It was Cee’s car. I crouched low to the floor and was glad that I had left all the lights off. My insides were screaming to move and open up that door as he knocked, but I had listened to my heart before and look where it got me. He knocked a little harder. Why couldn’t he just let me be? Tears started to stream down my face.

Finally, after a few more agonizing moments he walked away and drove off. I stood up and peered through the window by the door, watching the red of his taillights disappear into the darkness.

Left on the front porch was a bouquet of sunflowers in a vase and a letter. I opened the door and put the flowers on the table. I tore open the letter.

––––––––

D
ear Jes,

I don’t know what else to do. I didn’t mean to hurt you by keeping my secrets. I need to see you in person and explain this to you. Then it will make sense. Please give me a call when you are ready to talk.

I love you,

Cee.

––––––––

I
crumpled up the letter. He had hurt me too much. Betrayed me. I couldn’t let him back in. The only thing I wanted to feel was the ice cream in my stomach.

I didn’t even bother with a bowl and just took the whole pint and a spoon to the couch. I wanted to eat my feelings right now. I dug into the sugary goodness, determined to eat myself into a diabetic coma. At least then my heart wouldn't hurt so much. My eyes were heavy, but I was determined.

The TV let out a huge blast of sound and I woke up to some sort of horrid commercial of how to work my buns off. I didn't know how long I had slept. The pint sat half eaten on the table, most of it melted now. I got myself up and put it in the freezer, hopefully saving some of it for tomorrow.

It was tempting to stay on the couch, but my neck already had a kink in it. I dragged myself up the stairs and into the bed. My sleep was plagued with nightmares of Cee being with another woman and discussing about how stupid I was. I tried to yell at him, to tell him he was wrong but no sound came out. I was forced to stand in silence as he started to kiss her.

I woke up with a start. Cindy was sitting on my bed holding my hand.

“Are you okay? You were having a nightmare,” she said softly.

“Yeah, it was just a bad dream.” I sat up in my bed, a little taken aback that she was able to get into my room without me waking up.

“We thought you would have another rough day today. We came by because we knew without us you would continue to be a bum.” She gestured at my hair, which looked like a rat had made a nest and the stained sweats I was in. “Found you in here, but you were thrashing so hard I couldn’t help but stay until you woke.”

I nodded and tried to start de-tangle my hair with my fingers.

“We?” I asked. I was both grateful and pissed. I had thoroughly planned on being a miserable wretch today.

“Everyone else is downstairs getting breakfast ready. I came up when I heard you yell.” She smiled gently at me, and stood up from the bed. “We’ll have breakfast ready for you in about twenty minutes. Please go take a shower. You're starting to smell.”

She plugged up her nose with her hand and walked away. With a groan, I got out of bed and stepped into the bathroom, turning on the shower. The warm water felt good. It felt like it was washing away all of my pain and I never wanted to get out. Finally, the water turned cold and I decided I should get out before I turned blue.

It felt good to be clean, and I pulled on a pair of comfy sweats. I headed downstairs to kitchen where I found my friends. They were like a well-oiled machine. Tricia cooked breakfast, Melissa made the mimosas, and Cindy set the table. Another bouquet of flowers with a letter decorated the table.

“What’s this?” I gestured.

“I don’t know. We found it on the doorstep.” Melissa topped off her mimosa with some more Champagne and shrugged.

I looked at the flowers. It was a dozen roses, in yellow.

––––––––

D
ear Jes,

I’m sorry. . I didn’t mean to hurt you. Please let me explain.

I love you,

Cee

––––––––

I
crumpled up the note again and threw it in the trash. He couldn't win me over with flowers and cheesy notes.

“What did it say?” Cindy asked looking at the trash.

“Blah blah blah, he's sorry, please let me explain, blah blah.” I grabbed a mimosa and took a large sip.

“Oh, honey, he really looks like he is sorry. I kind of feel bad for the guy. I mean just look at your phone!” Tricia handed it to me “You left it on the coffee table last night, and it kept going off. He called you ten times. He's desperate.”

I shook my head. “We are not dealing with this right now.” I looked at Tricia. “Whose side are you on anyway?”

“Yours, of course. Just maybe he has some reason that he keeps wanting to reach out to you.” Tricia shrugged off my icy gaze and took a sip of mimosa. “Don’t remember when Richard was caught by you? He didn’t care, he was glad it was over. He didn’t fight for you. Cee's fighting.”

“Fighting? Maybe he should have been more truthful to me from the beginning.” The urge to start a brawl myself was filling me. I was going to need to hit something soon, or I was going to say something I would regret.

“Anyway,” Cindy cut in, trying to direct the tension somewhere else. “Breakfast is ready. Let’s dig in.”

We all sat at the kitchen table and ate in silence since no one wanted to set me off again. Cindy cleared her throat and asked, “What is your plan? What are you going to tell Ben?”

“Oh no. Ben.” I put my head in my hands. “I don’t even know what do about that.”

“Tell him the truth. He will understand,” Cindy suggested. “What time is he coming back from his dad’s?”

“In about two hours.” I checked the clock on the microwave. It wasn't much time.

“We are here if you need anything. We’ll clean up and head out so that you can come up with a plan.”

They all stood up from the table and started to clear the dishes. A wave of gratitude flowed over me. I had the best friends. I never would have survived Richard's betrayal, and now Cee's, without them.

“I'll do the dishes, just put everything in the sink,” I said, picking up my own plate. “I can’t thank you girls enough in taking care of me.”

“You'd do the same for us,” Cindy replied. After all the dishes were off the table, I walked to the door and I gave them all hugs. I was truly thankful for their help.

I filled up the sink with soap and water, wondering what I would tell Ben about Cee. Ben was going to be crushed to lose Cee. This was exactly the scenario I had wanted to avoid. By lying to me, Cee had not only broken my heart, but Ben's too.

Lost in thought, I was jarred back to reality by the water spilling over the sink.

I sighed. Just another mess I made.

I cleaned up everything, and ran different scenarios in my mind, but nothing felt right. When Ben came to the door, I still had no idea what to tell him. He gave me a big hug.

“Mom! You wont believe what we did this weekend. Dad bought me a bunch of new lacrosse stuff. And we got to hang out with Matt today. You remember him from my class? He wants to join the Bears team too.”

In the back of my mind I kept praying that he wouldn’t ask about Cee and my weekend. Luckily, he didn’t. At least not until bedtime.

“When is Cee coming over tomorrow? I want to show him the new helmet dad got me.” He grinned excitedly as I pulled the sheets over his arms, and looked into his eyes. They stared at me, waiting for an answer.

“He isn’t going to come over tomorrow. Cindy said she wanted to watch you so that Jake could hang out with you. Cee has some other things to do as well.” I watched his face fall as the lie left my mouth. I hated lying to my son, but I didn’t know how to answer the questions that would come if I didn’t.

“Oh, okay well I'll just see him on Tuesday,” he said with a yawn and rolled onto his side. Maybe by tomorrow I would have the courage to break my son’s heart. I kissed him softly and left him to drift off to sleep.

I crawled into my bed and waited for sleep to take me. I hoped that tomorrow would be busy so I wouldn’t have to think about what happened this weekend.

I
hit the alarm in the morning, wishing that I could sleep through the day. I dragged myself into the shower and got ready for the day anyway. I half-expected Cee to walk through the door and hear Ben scamper down the stairs to meet him.

I frowned in the mirror, remembering that I was the one who pushed him away. As I lugged my feet downstairs, I saw Ben sitting at the table slowly eating his cereal. He didn’t have his normal excitement that he did in the mornings Cee was here. I grabbed a cup of coffee and power bar, trying to come up with a way to tell Ben about Cee no longer being his nanny. I started opening my mouth but the words wouldn’t come out.

“Come on Ben, let’s drop you off at Cindy’s,” was all I could muster to tell him. He got up from his table and grabbed his bike as we walked out the door. I walked him over to her house since she was only three doors down.

“Hi Cindy, thank you so much for looking over Ben today. I really appreciate it. I owe you,” I said when she answered the door.

“Not a problem, honey. Jake was looking forward to having some time with Ben,” she greeted us.

I pat Ben on the head as he walked inside her home, placing his bike by the door. “I'll be back as soon as I'm done with work.”

Ben shrugged and hurried off to play with Jake. I waved to Cindy and went to work.

I barely got anything done the entire day. I distractedly typed at the keys trying to write up a summary of the spreadsheets I was working on, but I had only completed a single paragraph when the clock hit 4:30. I was glad this wasn't due until next week.

During my distracted work I had finally come up with a game plan to tell Ben about Cee. I went to Cindy’s house and knocked on the door. Cindy answered. She bit her lip and her eyebrows knit together as soon as she saw me.

“You okay?” I walked in the door. Her house was cool and welcoming compared to the summer heat outside.

“Yeah, I just, accidentally said something to Ben about Cee.” She looked at the floor as she said it. Her shoulders fell. “I was talking to Ray when he came by for lunch. He asked why Ben was over, and I told him it was because you and Cee got into a fight. Cee wasn’t going to be Ben’s nanny anymore, so he would be here for a few more days until you get another babysitter.” She paused looking up at me.