Wanderlust (34 page)

Audrey sat down in one of the comfortable wicker chairs with a sigh and closed her eyes as she lay her head back in the moonlight. And she jumped a mile when she heard his voice, barely more than a whisper beside her.

It's not easy, is it, Aud? She opened her eyes, and at first said nothing, and then she sighed and nodded, offering him a small wintry smile.

I suppose I shouldn't have come. They're your friends. It was the first time she had spoken to him directly and their eyes told a long, sad tale. Neither of them pretended not to feel anything. It was obvious to anyone that they were both in pain.

You belong here as much as I do. He was faintly afraid that Charlotte would see him out there, talking to her, and make a scene later. She would have let him do anything in the world he wanted, except talk to Audrey. She was far too aware of the danger. I should have called Violet before we came ' I never thought ' His eyes searched hers, wanting to feel the anger he had felt for her a year before, but it was gone suddenly, and all he felt now was sorrow.

Grandfather died in June.

I'm sorry. And he was. He knew how much she loved him. He knew better than anyone. But she only nodded. And then he asked her the question he had feared most. Why did you come here?

She held her breath and then answered. To see ' James and Vi. The hesitation was only for a fraction of a second. And he turned his head away to look out at the water, silver dipped in the moonlight.

I was half crazy when I came back from America last year .'

She shook her head, not wanting to hear what he would say. It was too late. It didn't matter anymore. It was much, much too late. You don't owe me any explanations.

Don't I? He was a little drunk, but not enough to blur what he felt, not enough to make him think her less beautiful than she was ' not enough to make him numb and not feel the same jolt as he looked into her blue eyes ' . Maybe I need to say it. I never wanted to see you again when I came back. I think I even hated you for a while. And Charlotte was very kind to me. She put balm on the wounds ' she helped me with my work, she sobered me up when I got drunk ' she was there for me ' constantly ' in just the way you had refused to be ' she came to India with me ' and then she came to Egypt. I was there for six months, working on my next book. She thought there were tears in his eyes, but she couldn't tell in the moonlight. She was marvelous ' . He sounded apologetic, but Audrey couldn't tell if he was apologizing to her or to Charlotte. And I liked her. I like her very much in fact. He turned back to face her squarely then and she could see that he was more than a little drunk. But it didn't matter. The trouble is, Audrey, I don't love her. Audrey was shocked at his words, and she stiffened in her chair. She didn't want to hear what he was going to say ' he had no right to have them both ' but before she could say anything to stop him, he continued. I told her that before I married her. I'm not rotten enough to pretend to someone that I love them ' . His voice softened and Audrey felt a lump rise in her throat, ' or brave enough to pretend that I don't ' she said it didn't matter. She didn't expect grand passion and high romance, only loyalty and friendship. And we are friends. Good friends. I like her ' . He was repeating himself and Audrey was shocked, at what he had said ' at what he had done ' it was madness. Why had he married her? But in the next breath, he answered her question. I wouldn't have married her, you know. It's not enough, no matter what she thinks. You and I know better, don't we? He sounded bitter for a moment, and Audrey stood up. She didn't want to sit there and hear him tell her that he didn't love his wife, it made it all the more cruel that he had gotten married. The bitch is, she got pregnant when we were in Egypt. It must have been at the very end. He looked at Audrey mournfully as she wondered if her heart would actually break, or just ache dully for the rest of her life. She's only two and a half months pregnant now ' doesn't show yet ' no one knows ' she refused to have an abortion. His eyes were so filled with pain as he looked at the woman he loved that Audrey couldn't restrain the tears anymore. So we'll have a baby. And we'll be friends. And we'll be very loyal. He sounded broken and empty as he turned away again. And she'll make my books a great success, not that I give a damn ' . And then his voice faded again. I suppose it will be nice to have a child ' . He was thinking of Sean, and then suddenly he turned and took two steps to where Audrey stood and he touched her shoulder with his fingertips as her whole body trembled. I wanted you to know why. No matter how angry I was, Audrey, I wanted you to know that I loved you. Very, very much ' . The tears ran slowly down her cheeks, and he bent toward her and kissed her, and then without another word, he walked back into the party.

In the next few days, the house at Cap d'Antibes seemed to be shrinking moment by moment. Charles and his new bride made no move to leave the day after they arrived, and despite Violet's broad hints to Charlie, he went nowhere. Instead, he followed Audrey everywhere with his eyes, and Charlotte watched him watching Audrey. It was uncomfortable for everyone else, and Audrey valiantly tried to pretend she didn't notice. She went down to the beach with Molly as much as she could, and on drives along the coast with Karl and Ushi. She went shopping in town with Vi, and spent the rest of the time in her room, claiming that she was exhausted. But she knew she couldn't stay much longer, and she was anxious to leave almost from the moment they arrived. She just didn't want to hurt Violet's feelings.

She managed to avoid Charlie as much as she could, and he didn't approach her again after the first night. They were both nursing their wounds. And Audrey had finally agreed to go with Ushi and Karl, and she was just waiting for them to leave Cap d'Antibes. She couldn't wait to go, and anywhere would have been a relief after the strain of being under the same roof with Charlie and Charlotte. Again and again, Audrey tried to absorb the fact that Charlotte was pregnant ' that Charlotte was having his baby ' and she never had. She knew now that the only child she would ever have was Molly.

I take it you brought her back from China. Audrey was startled to find Charlotte standing just behind her as she watched Molly making sand pies with James. She turned to her, and it was almost hard to breathe with the woman so close to her. She had perfect, even features, and her makeup had been impeccably applied. Her dress was from Patou, with a beautiful hat to match. Everything about her overpowered Audrey. She was almost too perfect. And she had married Charlie.

I lived there for eight months.

I know. Her tone said she knew more than that, as Audrey fell silent. And then she plunged the knife in with one swift blow. You still love him, don't you?

I ' She was so shocked she didn't know what to answer. I ' think we will always be friends. It's difficult to forget things like that, but times change. It was all she could think of to say and as diplomatic as she could manage.

Yes, that's right, times do change. I'm glad you understand that. She said it pointedly. Charles has an enormous career ahead of him. He doesn't understand that yet. One day he will be the most important nonfiction writer in the world. The trouble was that didn't mean anything to him, as Audrey knew only too well. He had always treated his success like a pleasant surprise, it was the discoveries he enjoyed so much, the travel, the adventure, the spirit of it all. But Charlotte knew nothing about that. He needs a woman who can help him. Audrey nodded, fighting back tears, and then she looked at the woman who had won him.

The baby will mean more to him than his career.

For a moment, Charlotte looked stunned. He told you about that, did he? She did not look pleased and Audrey nodded, her eyes vague.

He just mentioned it ' he's very happy, she lied. I'm sure you'll both be very happy. The tears stood out in her eyes as she looked at Charlotte, who only nodded. She still looked disturbed that Charlie had told her about the baby, or maybe it was just as well. She smiled now at her opponent.

You were never right for him anyway. Saying that seemed an enormous presumption to Audrey. What did she know about who was right for him? She didn't even know the man. She had forced him to marry her by refusing to have an abortion. And Audrey suspected that she hadn't done it out of love for him, or the baby. She couldn't even imagine this woman with a child, and at exactly that moment James returned to plop a fat, wet, sandy Molly into her arms, as the little girl let out a squeal of delight and she got sand and wet kisses all over her mother.

Audrey went on a drive later that afternoon with Karl and Ushi, and Ushi smiled at Audrey as they hung on to their hats and flying hair in the open car. We thought we would leave tomorrow. Will you come? Audrey had been vacillating about not going with them, but she was desperate to leave Antibes now and felt she needed an excuse to make a graceful exit. We go only to San Remo. It wasn't far, but the atmosphere was very different, very Italian, and less chic, but very pretty.

Karl looked at her now. Will you come?

Audrey smiled. It was her best out, and she was crazy about Ushi and Karl. I'd love it. I'll only stay a few days, and then I'll let you two go on. I might go to Rome for a week or two, before I go back to London. And from there, she still had no idea where she was going. All her plans had gone awry, and she was in no hurry to go back to San Francisco.

Why don't you come to Venice with us? It was the most romantic place in the world, and the memory of her two days there with Charlie sprang instantly to mind.

I don't think so. She couldn't bear the pain of seeing it again. That's for honeymooners, not for old maids. They hooted and yelled at the sound of her words, and she laughed and insisted that she was.

You are the best-looking old maid I have ever seen! Karl glanced at her appreciatively and she laughed and scolded him, but Ushi didn't care. The two of them were happy and well matched. They had been in love with each other for six years before they married. We will talk about Venice when we get to San Remo.

Never mind. But she had at least agreed to go to San Remo with them and it would make it easier to leave the next day. She told Violet when they got back, and she was sorry to see them all go, and furious with Charlie. She complained bitterly to James that night, that Charlie had driven everyone away, and ruined her party.

He didn't drive everyone away, darling, just Audrey. Karl and Ushi were leaving anyway, and it'll be fun for her to go with them. She ought to visit them in Berlin sometime too. Ushi always gives such marvelous parties. He smiled benevolently at his wife, kissed her tenderly on the lips and she was greatly cheered by his suggestion. A trip to Berlin was a wonderful idea, maybe they could all go. And she brought it up the next day at breakfast, as they all sat around the breakfast table except Charlotte and Molly. Charlotte was still in bed, and Molly was being watched by James and Alexandra's nurse while Audrey had breakfast. She was very happy playing with them, and they treated her like a little dolly, especially Alexandra, who loved her.

It was James's idea. Violet chortled with glee, wouldn't it be fun if we all went to Berlin once the lovebirds get settled. We could stay at the Bayerischer Hotel and go to the opera. Vi loved going to the opera in Berlin. She loved going to the opera anywhere, and more than that, she loved a party. But Ushi was enchanted with the idea too.

We could give our first ball, Karl. Her eyes danced as her mind whirled. And then she glanced at Violet, And you will not stay at the hotel. You will stay with us. And you, too, she glanced at Audrey, and without thinking her glance took in Charlie. And suddenly they were all animatedly discussing their plans to go to Berlin and everyone was chatting and laughing, as Charlie began to tease them all, and told them funny stories of the last time he'd been in Berlin. He even teased Audrey and she laughed, and he regaled them all with a tale about her on the train in China, and everyone roared, especially Audrey. It was no secret to anyone in the group that they had been lovers, and their laughter was a nice note on which to end their vacation together, and no one even noticed Charlotte come into the room.

She never raised her voice, but when she spoke, it sent an electric jolt down Audrey's spine, and Charlie instantly fell silent.

What's this about a trip to Berlin? It was obvious she didn't approve, and then she smiled at Charles. Actually, I want you to meet a German publisher there. She smiled at him. She wanted his books translated into seven languages before year end. It was part of what she referred to as her master plan. It was only when discussing things like that that she really came alive. We could combine business with pleasure. But the pleasure seemed to have died with her arrival.

And to fill the uncomfortable silence, Violet chatted with Karl about their travel plans for the next week. He mentioned Venice, and Charlie's eyes instantly reached out to Audrey, but she looked away, and busied herself folding her napkin. They were going to be in Venice for the last week of their honeymoon, and after that, Karl had to be in Berlin by the end of September. He would begin teaching at the university again then, and Ushi was looking forward to the beginning of the social season. James gave them several suggestions about good restaurants, and a few side trips he loved, and a little while later the three travelers came downstairs, Audrey with Molly in her arms. For a woman who had never had children before, she had become extremely adept at taking her everywhere with her. And Molly was happy and good-humored wherever she went. She seemed to think it was all one big exciting adventure.

Take care of yourself, Audrey. Violet admonished. And call us to let us know when you're returning to London. We should be back in London ourselves fairly soon and you'll stay with us as soon as we get home. Before, if you like. She always kept a housekeeper there, and she gave Audrey a firm hug, and an extra squeeze. She was going to miss her. James kissed her as well, and everyone said good-bye to Karl and Ushi, and then suddenly Charlie was looking into Audrey's eyes, and there was such depth of sadness there that Violet had to turn away as she watched them. She knew Audrey had been avoiding him when it was time to go, but Charlie had come out of his room to say good-bye, and he was looking down at her with such tenderness that Audrey thought her heart would break.