Wanting You (20 page)

“No, thank you. You are our guest. I want you to sit and relax.”

“Savannah, sit here!” Sydney called from across the room, patting the chair next to hers. As I glided into the chair, I couldn’t help the feeling of surrealness I got. A happy family dinner, which I couldn’t even remember the last time I had.

Even when dad was home, dinners never seemed to be like this, all sitting at the table together and actually smiling, but the awkwardness was still there.

“Savannah, how are you?”

“I’m good, Dad.” I began eating the meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and corn that were put on my plate, suddenly not feeling like eating, but rather, forcing myself to.

“What do you do?”

“Huh?”

“Your job, Savannah. What do you do?” Dad’s voice sounded loving just like he always was with me.

There was no way that I would be telling him about my chosen career, even though a small part of me actually wanted to, wanted to prove I made something of myself. But I kept mum. “I’m between jobs right now.”

“What did you study in college?” Dad played absently with his fork.

Surprised, I asked, “You knew I went to college?”

Dad turned and stared at me. “Of course I knew, but I don’t know what you studied.”

“Journalism.” I beamed, my pride escaping me.

“So you write?” Dad asked.

“Yes,” I said quietly, hoping for this line of questioning to be done.

Dad kept pushing, “What do you write?”

“Depends on the job. What about you, Dad? What have you been up to these days?” I needed to change the subject and get onto a topic Dad would want to talk about.

“Well, Julie and I bought some laundromats here in town and out. We manage them,” Dad mused.

“You like that?”

Dad continued twirling his fork almost nervously. “I like being my own boss.”

“Savannah. Will you play Barbies after dinner?” Sydney chimed in.

Smiling over to Sydney, I said, “I can for a little bit, but then I have to go.”

“Okay.” Sydney beamed the most beautiful smile at me, and my heart melted for her a bit more.

Dad lovingly said, “Sydney, could you run upstairs for a bit and put on a movie.”

“Daddy. I wanna stay with Savannah,” Sydney whined.

“I know, but we need to talk for a bit, but then I’ll send her right up to you.” Dad’s eyes gave the ‘father glare’ as I liked to call it. I remembered it well and always listened when he did it to me.

“Okay.” Sydney left the table, stomping her little feet. I couldn’t help but chuckle as I remembered I did the same thing as a kid every time my parents made me mad.

“Savannah, we heard what happened at Roni’s. Someone attacked you?” I should have known that in this small town everyone talked. I was utterly grateful at the moment for Z, though. He came up with a perfect story for me.

“Yeah. It was freaky. I was just shopping with Sawyer and some guy came up behind me. But I’m good.” Good. Really, was I good? Not so much.

“Cops know who it was?” Dad asked, pushing back his chair from the table and crossing his arms across his chest.

Whenever dad did that, I always felt intimidated. I knew my voice was soft. “Nope. No idea.”

“Why would someone do that?” Julie asked.

“I don’t know.” Lie. I did know, I just couldn’t tell them.

“Do you want to stay here with us for a while?” Julie’s words stunned me, my fork stopping mid-bite.

“You’d let me stay here?” I asked, shocked.

“Of course,” she said without hesitation.

“Thank you. But I’m just fine.” Even though it was wonderful that they wanted me to stay with them, I couldn’t. It was too soon to be this close to my dad.

“Do you have a security system?” Dad asked.

“Yes. I even had them put in cameras today, and Deke’s staying with me,” I said, gaining a bit more confidence.

“Deke? … Sullivan?” His voice was full of surprise.

Looking at Dad, I couldn’t tell if he thought this was good or bad. “Yeah.”

“How did you meet up with that boy?” Dad pushed.

“Well, he’s not exactly a boy anymore. Before Mom and I left, I was seeing Deke. When I got back, we picked up where we left off,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest mimicking my father’s posture.

“He’s not good,” He ground out.

“What does that mean?” I felt my defenses fly up immediately.

“He got kicked off the police force. He almost killed a man.” Anger pulsated off him.

“A drug dealer … the one who gave his mom the drugs she killed herself with,” I defended.

“Still. That is such violence. I don’t want you around that,” he barked.

“Dad, you gave up a say so in my life a long time ago,” I snipped back.

“I’m gonna go into the kitchen and then go check on Sydney. Why don’t you two go into the study so you can talk?” Julie stood up to leave.

“That’s a good idea.” Dad got up and stared at me. “Can we please talk?”

I was already here, may as well get this out. “Sure.”

I followed Dad into a small room lined with bookshelves and floor-to-ceiling windows on one side. A large cross hanging on the wall caught my attention. It was adorned with large blue and green crystals and looked beautiful. With a large desk in the middle, a couch sat on the other side of it. Dad plopped down on one end of it. “Have a seat.”

Sitting down, my hands began to sweat. I knew I should be mad at him for leaving us, but I couldn’t help in that moment feel like a little girl who just wanted her daddy. I tried pulling my big girl panties on, but they were becoming harder to yank up.

“Savannah. I know you have questions. Ask. Please.”

I sat there dumbfounded. There were so many times that I wanted to say and ask everything under the sun, but in that moment, nothing would come from my mouth.

“It’s okay, Savannah. Maybe I should just talk.” I nodded, not wanting the anger to destroy everything before it started.

“You’re mom and I had problems. Lots of problems that I tried to shield you from. Your mom liked to drink. A Lot.” I gasped in shock. I had always thought Mom started drinking ‘cause Dad left. “I’m guessing you know she drinks and thought it was because I left.” I nodded at this. I was there and heard the fights even when they were behind closed doors.

Dad continued, “Sorry, but no. She started drinking while you were little, but she was a pretty functional drunk. She was able to attend everything you had and even have supper on the table, even if she didn’t eat with us.”

Recalling that time in my life was difficult. I tried blocking it out a long time ago. “I remember she always said she needed to go upstairs.”

“Yes, and drink.” Blowing out an exasperated breath, he continued, “Savannah, I know I did things wrong. I should have never gotten involved with Julie while I was still married, but it happened. The part I’m so sorry about is you.”

Looking up at Dad’s face, I could see the light sheen of tears threatening to release from his eyes. “Everything changed after you left.”

“I tried to get you away from her, but she wouldn’t listen to me.” Dad sniffed his nose, wiping it with the back of his hand.

“Why didn’t you just talk to me? I was in high school. It’s not like I was Sydney’s age or something.”

“That was another one of my mistakes. I’m so sorry.”

“I couldn’t believe you just left us. Left me.” Hurt poured through my words.

“I should have called, but I had already caused your mom so much hurt, I didn’t want to add to it.”

“But you forgot about me.” The tears I didn’t want to show were begging to make their appearance. I ducked my head to shield my face, not wanting him to see it.

“No, I never forgot about you. I went to every school function you had until your mom left with you.”

“I didn’t want to go with her.” Reliving that pain was too much to bear.

“I found out from Grams at the supermarket that Annabelle took you to California. I’m so sorry.”

“It was bad there, Dad. Really bad.”

“I tried calling, but your mom wouldn’t let me talk to you. I thought about coming to California and getting you, but I didn’t think it would go well. But you got through it. You even got an education.”

“I had to get lots of scholarships.”

“I’m sorry. If I’d have known, I would have helped.” Looking into Dad’s eyes, I believed him.

“Don’t be sorry. I earned them, just like I earned my degree. I am very proud of both of them.”

“As you should. I’m proud of you, too.” Relief washed over me, as I’d been waiting for those words from him for so long.

“Thanks … I was so mad at you.”

“You should have been. You still should be. I’m actually a bit surprised that you’re not yelling at me.”

“I thought I would be, too.” I chuckled. “I just can’t seem to do it.”

“You know I love you.”

I stared at my dad. It had been so long that I yearned to hear those words from him. I felt the tears splashing down to my hands, as they lay crossed in my lap. Dad’s large arms engulfed me, where I began to soak his shirt, letting the years of hurt out of my body.

I didn’t say the words back, I just couldn’t. I wasn’t ready to concede to it yet. As Dad released me, I instantly wanted to go back in his arms. For him to make everything better just like he did when I was a kid. Then I thought of what I actually did for a living. How would he feel knowing his daughter wrote smutty books? I hoped he’d be proud, but I couldn’t risk it.

“Savannah. You need to be careful out there. You are a beautiful woman, and if this guy out there is trying to get his hands on you, I need you to stay with someone all the time.” Dad’s concern touched me deeply.

“I know.”

“Then why did you drive here by yourself?” he accused.

“I needed to. Deke argued with me and followed me. He didn’t give me a choice.”

“I’m leery of Deke.”

“Please don’t. I care a lot about him. I won’t hear anything bad said about him.”

“Understood. Come on. That’s enough for one night. Let’s go have dessert.”

Dad led me down to the living room where Julie and Sydney were playing Barbies on the floor. “Savannah! I thought you left!”

“I tried to convince her that you were just talking to Dad, even showed her your car was still here, but she didn’t believe me.” Julie’s bright smile was contagious.

“Well, I’m here. Which one am I?” I asked, kneeling down beside her as she handed me this really cool Barbie with tattoos! Really, a Barbie with tattoos! I couldn’t help but feel excited about it.

As we played on the floor, Julie brought out strawberry shortcake for us all to eat. “I’m really sorry that Jake couldn’t be here. He really wanted to meet you.”

“Who’s Jake?” Over all the years, I had never heard that name before.

“My son. He’s about your age, but he said he didn’t feel well. I really wanted you two to meet.” Julie grinned. I sat there, shocked, not realizing dad left us going into another family. I had no clue she had a son.

“You looked shocked, Savannah,” Dad said.

“I kinda am. I didn’t know you had a son, Julie.”

Julie turned. “From my first marriage.”

“Were you married when you and Dad got together?” When the words left my mouth, I immediately wanted to take them back. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything.” Turning my head, I focused on the Barbie in it.

“No. It’s okay. No. I wasn’t married when your father and I got together. I had been divorced for about five years before that,” Julie answered.

“I know it’s a lot for you to take in. I just want to be part of your life again.” My dad cut through the fog of the stirring thoughts racing through my head.

“I’d like that too, Dad.” I never thought I would … ever, but realizing now I wanted it more than ever. I wanted to be part of Sydney’s life.

“So, have you been sending out your writing to the papers around here?” Dad questioned.

Talk about change of subject. “No, but that’s a good idea.”

“Where are you looking then?”

Dad’s questions were getting harder to evade. “I’m just taking it easy right now. I have some money saved up from previous jobs in California so I’m fine.” I felt my heart rate pick up. I hated lying, but knew I had to keep my shit together. I tried breathing slowly to calm myself.

“You really need to be thinking about a job. Your savings will go fast.”

Little did Dad know, I had enough in savings to live off for years. “Don’t worry. I really should be going. Thank you so much for dinner and for having me over.”

Julie stood. “Savannah, you are welcome here anytime. You never have to call, just come. And if you want to stay here, you are more than welcome.”

“Thanks, Julie.”

“No! I don’t want you to go!” Sydney cried.

“I have to, but I tell you what. If Mommy and Daddy say it’s okay, maybe you and I could do something together sometime.”

“Sure. Here though. Just ‘til we figure out who this guy is.” Dad’s concern was admirable.

I couldn’t help but smile. “Of course.”

Leaving the house, I actually felt relieved. I could breathe again. Not that being with them was horrible, but I just had so many pent up feelings that I’d held in for so long, and feeling them in such a short amount of time took a lot out of me.

The night was quiet with the moon’s light shining down beautifully. The stars were bright as they lit up the sky.

Getting in the car, the hair on the back of my neck stood as if electricity was flowing through me. Looking around, I didn’t see anyone except Dad waving from the door, but felt this eerie sense like someone was watching me from the shadows. Shaking it off, I locked the doors, needing Deke and a drink. Before leaving, I texted Deke and told him I was on my way.

Cranking the radio, Miranda was singing about revenge and lost love. My thoughts drifted to Deke and how wonderful he’d been since that maniac tried to hurt me. His small touches, his kisses, and words had been everything I’d ever dreamed of. I’d wanted him for so long, I couldn’t believe it was actually happening.