Authors: Liane Moriarty
War on Whimsy (19 page)
“I don't care if she's furious.” Nicola marched up to Mrs. Mania's chair. She bent down and checked the ropes to make sure Mrs. Mania had no hope of escaping.
“Nicola,” said Katie.
“What?” Nicola was busy giving the rope around Mrs. Mania's ankle an extra-firm tug.
“
Nicola,
” said Katie again.
Nicola,
” said Katie again.
Nicola looked up and froze.
Mrs. Mania's nose twitched. She moved her mouth around as if it were full of marbles. She opened her eyes and looked around blearily, taking in the sight of her tied-up son, the tied-up guards, and the released prisoners staring back at her.
Finally her eyes fell on Nicola, still crouched down beside her, and her scaly skin turned a purplish red, as if she'd been placed in a vat of boiling water.
“Who are you and what is going on here?
”
”
CHAPTER 32
Nicola had never seen anyone so angry in her entire life. She backed quickly away from Mrs. Mania's chair and joined the others, her eyes fixed on the furious president.
“I think her head is about to explode,” said Sean with interest.
“She doesn't have any control over her emotions,” commented Great-aunt Annie disapprovingly.
“You might find it useful to take a few deep breaths and count to ten!” called out Georgio.
Mrs. Mania's eyes flashed fire. She snarled like a wild animal. Her chair skidded across the raised platform as she tried to escape from the ropes, jerking her body this way and that as though she were trying to win some kind of demented dancing competition.
“Told you we needed to tie her up good and tight,” said one of the Volcomanian prisoners with satisfaction.
“
Whoever is responsible for this will pay the price!
” screamed Mrs. Mania.
Whoever is responsible for this will pay the price!
” screamed Mrs. Mania.
Everyone instinctively took a step backward.
“Perhaps we should surrender now?” murmured Henry Sweet.
“Don't be silly,” said Nicola, trying to sound braver than she felt. “You must never give in to bullies.”
“Really?” said Henry. “Why not?”
Nicola marched up to Mrs. Mania, clenching her teeth hard to stop her head from wobbling with fright. (It wobbled when she was nervous.)
Whenever I feel intimidated by someone, I try to imagine what they were like as a baby,
Nicola's mother had once told her.
Nicola's mother had once told her.
Nicola tried to imagine Mrs. Mania as a red-faced baby kicking her legs and banging her fists in a high chair, but actually, she still seemed scary, even as a baby.
Or if that doesn't work, I pretend I'm an Academy Award-winning actress playing the role of a courageous heroine,
Nicola's mother had continued.
Nicola's mother had continued.
Nicola imagined herself on a big movie screen wearing a shiny, black, leather outfit and striding across a battlefield.
Mmmm, that was better.
Mmmm, that was better.
“Mrs. Mania,” she began. “My name is Nicola Berry and Iâ”
“
I know who you are! You're nothing more than an Earthling child!
”
I know who you are! You're nothing more than an Earthling child!
”
Nicola's ears rang. “My age isn't relevantâ”
“
You're playing with fire this time, girlie, and you're going to get hurt!
”
You're playing with fire this time, girlie, and you're going to get hurt!
”
“Please don't call me girlie,” said Nicola. She couldn't stand that word.
“
Stay out of this war and get back on your own piddling planet!
”
Stay out of this war and get back on your own piddling planet!
”
Nicola decided not to say anything else. She just crossed her arms and stared at Mrs. Mania, her eyebrows raised in a superior fashion. After all, Mrs. Mania was the one tied to a chair.
It seemed to work.
Mrs. Mania stared back at her for a while, grinding her teeth like a tiger about to pounce. Finally she snarled, “What do you want?”
“We'd like you to order the withdrawal of your troops from this planet,” said Nicola, knowing full well that wasn't going to happen.
“
That isn't going to happen!
”
That isn't going to happen!
”
“Yes,” winced Nicola with her hands over her ears. “I thought not.”
“Mom?” said a voice.
Mrs. Mania's pale, skinny son, who looked about the same age as Nicola and the others, had opened his eyes and was looking around in amazement.
“How did I get tied up like this?” he said. “The last thing I remember is taking a bite of yummy sausage. I was looking forward to my next bite.”
Mrs. Mania's voice and manner changed completely. It was obvious she absolutely adored her son.
“Don't be frightened, Martykins,” she said. “This silly Earthling is sticking her nose into matters that don't concern her.”
“Mom,” said Marty, looking mortified. “Please don't call me Martykins in public.” He looked around him worriedly. “Where is Princess Petronella?”
Princess Petronella lifted a languid hand from where she was sitting. “I'm over here, Marty!”
“Hi, Princess! Hi! How are you? Are you okay?” Marty's face turned pink with pleasure. It was obvious that he had something of a crush on the princess.
“So much for diplomatic visits! It looks like your friend is in cahoots with the enemy, MartykiâI mean, Martin,” said Mrs. Mania. “We may have to declare war on Globagaskar next.”
The United Aunts stepped forward as one and shook their fingers. “We strongly object to angry declarations of war,” they chanted firmly. Nicola felt quite proud to see her great-aunt Annie chanting with the other aunts.
Mrs. Mania rolled her eyes and made a huffing sound like a bad-tempered teenager.
“Mom,” said Marty. “I think you should show the United Aunts more respect.”
“Oh, I do respect them, darling.” Mrs. Mania grinned. “That's why I had them kidnapped. I needed them out of the way until we've won this war and Whimsy has surrendered.”
“About that,” said Nicola. “The people of Whimsy have a message for you.”
“They've had enough and they're going to surrender, are they?”
“Not exactly,” said Nicola. “May I present Henry Sweet, the president of Whimsy.”
Henry stepped forward, nervously pulling off his beret, so a tuft of hair stood up like a peacock. He didn't look at all presidential.
“Not off somewhere painting a pretty picture then, Henry?” said Mrs. Mania.
“Ah, no, not right now,” said Henry. He brightened. “Although I was just looking at the specks of dust dancing in the beam of light streaming through that window over there and it gave me a rather marvelous ideaâ”
Nicola shook her head at him. Henry coughed and cleared his throat.
“The people of Whimsy would like to challenge you to a battle to, um, end all battles.” Henry carefully recited the script the Space Brigade had worked out the night before. “If you win the battle, we shall surrender. If we win the battle, you shall formally recognize Whimsy as an independent planet and immediately withdraw your troops and promise to never, ever declare war upon us again.”
“You're kidding, right?” said Mrs. Mania.
“Ah, no,” said Henry. “I'm perfectly serious. We propose the battle takes place at the Sublime Valley at sunset today.”
“You actually think you have a chance of defeating the finest army in the galaxy! Whimsy doesn't even have an army!”
“I wouldn't say we were exactly full of
confidence
,” admitted Henry.
confidence
,” admitted Henry.
Mrs. Mania laughed out loud. She shook her head almost fondly at Henry.“This is exactly why you can't rule yourselves! You have no grip on reality.”
“It's funny you should mention that,” said Henry. “I was just thinking to myself,
Could all this be a terrible dream?
And yet it feels so real!”
Could all this be a terrible dream?
And yet it feels so real!”
Mrs. Mania rolled her eyes. “I suppose the Space Brigade is behind this idea of yours?” She shot Nicola a malevolent look.
“Umm, wellâ” Henry blushed. (The people of Whimsy were terrible blushers.)
“What if we are?” spoke up Nicola. “Are you frightened of us?”
Excellent, Nicola!
Georgio's voice suddenly rang out clearly in Nicola's head.
Now watch her snap up the bait like a hungry fish!
Georgio's voice suddenly rang out clearly in Nicola's head.
Now watch her snap up the bait like a hungry fish!
He was right. Mrs. Mania bristled.
“Frightened of
Earthling children
?” she cried. “Your challenge is accepted, Henry Sweet!
Prepare to be annihilated!
”
Earthling children
?” she cried. “Your challenge is accepted, Henry Sweet!
Prepare to be annihilated!
”
CHAPTER 33
“Lovely,” said Henry Sweet, before realizing that probably wasn't the most appropriate response to, “
Prepare to be annihilated!
” and being overcome with embarrassment. “I mean, er, well, let's see nowâ”
Prepare to be annihilated!
” and being overcome with embarrassment. “I mean, er, well, let's see nowâ”
Nicola interrupted him.
“You might be thinking that even if you lose, you can always back out of this deal,” she said to Mrs. Mania.
“That's
exactly
what she's thinking,” spoke up Shimlara, who had obviously been reading Mrs. Mania's mind.
exactly
what she's thinking,” spoke up Shimlara, who had obviously been reading Mrs. Mania's mind.
“Fortunately, we've got insurance,” said Nicola.
“Insurance?” frowned Mrs. Mania.
Tyler stepped forward carrying his video camera. “I filmed the whole thing,” he said.
“If you lose the battle and go back on your word,” said Nicola, “we will broadcast this footage to the entire galaxy.”
“You're not real journalists!” said Mrs. Mania.
“No, but this
is
a real camera,” said Nicola, thinking that it was lucky that Mrs. Mania couldn't read minds, or she might have discovered that Tyler's camera had actually been ruined by the policewomen's water hoses during the protest.
is
a real camera,” said Nicola, thinking that it was lucky that Mrs. Mania couldn't read minds, or she might have discovered that Tyler's camera had actually been ruined by the policewomen's water hoses during the protest.
“I think the intergalactic community would be very interested to hear how you've treated the United Aunts,” said the green-skinned aunt.
“Every planet in the galaxy would be furious with you,” said the aunt representing the Planet of Shobble. “I would certainly be recommending that my planet didn't export any more ShobbleChoc to you!”
Marty Mania's mouth dropped in horror. “Mom! Don't let that happen! I couldn't live without ShobbleChoc!”
“Don't worry, Marty,” said Mrs. Mania testily. “We're not going to lose the battle.”
“What battle?” said a rough voice.
“Yes, what battle?”
The sleeping Volcomanian guards were waking up. (They must have taken much bigger first mouthfuls of their food than Mrs. Mania and her son, so they'd slept for longer.)
As the guards realized they were tied to their chairs and struggled to free themselves, there was a terrible din.
“Who tied me up?
”
”
“
I only had one mouthful of my breakfast and now it looks like it's gone cold!
”
I only had one mouthful of my breakfast and now it looks like it's gone cold!
”
“
QUIET!
”
QUIET!
”
It was Mrs. Mania. (Her voice projection was quite outstanding.)
The guards fell silent.
“Not another word,” she said. “I blame every single one of you for the indignity I have suffered today. So I suggest you zip your lips and consider new careers because
you're all fired
!”
you're all fired
!”
“Butâ” began the guard who had reminded Nicola and Sean of the school bully.
“
Zip it!
” shouted Mrs. Mania.
Zip it!
” shouted Mrs. Mania.
She looked at Nicola. “I assume you'll be untying me and my son now? I don't mind if you want to leave these incompetent guards but obviously someone of my position should not be expected to feel this level of discomfort.”
“Ah, no,” said Nicola.“Call us crazy, but we don't actually trust you.”
“And just how am I meant to contact my troops?” asked Mrs. Mania. “I need my hands free to control my radio.” She jerked her chin at the large radio sitting on the table next to her breakfast plate.
“That's no problem,” said Sean confidently. “I can operate it.”
He went striding up to the platform and bent over the radio, studying the controls. “Easy,” he said, and twiddled a few knobs. “There you go.” He held the radio microphone up to her lips.
Mrs. Mania grimaced. Then she shrugged and began to speak.
“Come in all platoons, all platoons come in. This is Mrs. Mania. Good news! The Whimsians have challenged us to a battle in the Sublime Valley tonight at sunset. Once you've all stopped laughing, please proceed to the valley. It should be a quick, easy battle that will wrap up this war once and for all. Expect to be back with your families in time for dinner.”
The radio crackled as the deep-voiced captains in charge of each Volcomanian platoon responded.
“Copy that, looking forward to it, Madam!”
“Should be amusing, Madam!”
“It will be like defeating a litter of kittens!”
After each captain had responded and Sean turned off the radio, Mrs. Mania grinned nastily at Nicola and Henry Sweet.
“Are you sure you don't want to forget the whole thing?”
“Maybe we should,” said Henry to Nicola, his eyes wide with alarm.
“Of course we shouldn't!” said Nicola. “We'll leave you here for now, Mrs. Mania, but we'll be back to collect you at sunset so you can watch the battle for yourself.”
“And me too?” asked her son eagerly.
“You too,” said Nicola. She felt rather sorry for Marty Mania. “Come on, everybody. It's time for our breakfast.”
The Space Brigade, the prisoners, the United Aunts, and the Gorgioskio family left the food hall together. The piggy eyes of the guards silently watched them go.
“I really think someone should stay and keep an eye on those guards,” said Greta.
“Everyone is hungry,” said Nicola snappishly. She was sick of Greta thinking she knew best. “They've all been tied up securely. Nobody is going to escape.”
As arranged, Poppy the waitress had left a huge picnic outside the prison gates.
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