Warm Winter Love (6 page)

She watched as the butter melted on her own potato and formed rivulets to the dish. No, Jason would always be around in case she needed him. She picked up her fork and held it, thinking that Sam had been quiet, too quiet. She glanced up for a second and saw him looking out the window at the mountain.

“You know what’s happening to us, don’t you Katie?” Sam asked the question quietly and for a moment she wasn’t sure of his words, and when she realized what he had asked, she chose not to answer. She didn’t want to answer. No, that wasn’t honest. It was more than that—she didn’t even want to think about what he was saying. It was too close to her own thoughts and if she allowed herself to think about it, it would only present problems to her life. Problems that would hurt and confuse her.

“You do know what’s happening, Katie,” he said again and this time she knew that she had to answer him. But what could she answer? She could deny what he was saying and what she had been thinking.

He said it a third time: “You know what I’m talking about, Katie, as sure as I do.”

“Whatever it is, Sam, I don’t want to talk about it.” She put down her fork, afraid to eat, afraid that the food would stick in her throat like the words she really wanted to say.

He continued to look out the window. “We’re falling in love, Katie. We have fallen in love,” he corrected himself, acknowledging it as something that had already happened. He turned to look at her and she saw his eyes, earnest and clouded, questioning her, searching her face for a confirmation of his words.

She shook her head. “We can’t talk like this,” she said, and added, “We mustn’t.”

“Why not?” He took her hand and held it. “Is it so wrong? Isn’t that what happens when two normal, healthy adults meet, have fun, and then realize that there’s something else about their relationship? An attraction, a very strong attraction to each other?” He pressed her hand. “You’re feeling it too. I can tell.” She tried to pull her hand away, but he held it. “You’re attracted to me, Katie. I’m not alone in feeling it—you are too. Yesterday—”

“No… no, Sam. It’s impossible.”

“Why?” he asked, and then suddenly looked at her left hand. You’re married?” he asked hesitantly. “You never spoke about a husband.” Carried away with the thought, he leaned against the back of his chair. “Hey, if I’ve overstepped, I’m sorry. I just thought that you were alone here and that there wasn’t a Mr. Somebody in the picture.”

Katie wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. She was touched by the way he had said it, the way he was worried that he had acted improperly. Another thing to like—love—about him in so short a time. She shook her head.

“No, there isn’t a husband. Not yet, at least.” She saw the relief in his face. “But there’s a man. Well, he’s more than just a man.” She gulped and raced on: “I’m engaged, Sam. I’m going to be married at the end of summer.” She didn’t want to look at him anymore and now it was her turn to stare through the window. “I didn’t mention him before because I just didn’t think anything would happen.”

“You mean anything like falling in love with someone? With a stranger? With me?”

She nodded. “Yes. Oh, Sam! I’ve been here a dozen times, alone, and I’ve had a good time and always went back home to my routine and my life and my friends. But I never met anyone who would… change my life. Like you. I never had to go home and question and….” Her voice trailed off.

“Make you think twice about your fiancé?” He finished the sentence for her.

“Yes.” She watched as a skier approached the window. “It just never happened before, that’s all.”

“And now that it has?”

Sam wasn’t about to retreat, she realized, and she didn’t quite know what to do or say. “I guess I don’t know.” She bit her lip. “This wasn’t supposed to happen.”

“Then you’re saying that you feel it too?” He had a way of questioning and quickly getting at the answers, the truthful answers.

Yes, Sam
, she thought,
if feeling like you’re happy and sad and confused and wanting to shout out to the world that you’ve got a sense of peace and amazement and fireworks and joy and how could anyone else ever have felt like this before is what you mean, then yes, yes, yes, I’m feeling it too. Whatever it is, it’s affecting me too.

“Something like it.”

“So what are we going to do about it, Katie?”

Again the direct question demanding an honest answer. Still staring at the window, she realized that she could see his reflection and his reaction to her words. He was sitting back in his chair—slumped against it, really—and she saw him tap the rim of his plate.

“I don’t know,” she said. “No, that’s not true. Probably nothing. Probably I won’t do anything about it.”

“Nothing?” She saw his incredulous look. “You’re just going to walk away from it? From us?” He shook his head. “I don’t believe that, Katie. That’s ridiculous. Unbelievable. You just can’t say that it’s too bad it’s happened.” He picked up her hand again and gave it a little shake so that she turned toward him. “What kind of a woman are you, Katie, to want to put it all aside? To want to do nothing about it?” He scanned her face. “Don’t you ever recognize your own feelings?”

She shivered. Sam had hit on a weakness she knew she had—her inability to act on her feelings. And he had discovered it in such a short time. It was true—she didn’t want to recognize any strong feelings. Love, hate, joy, sadness—those were all perfectly good words to put in an English composition but not to apply to life, at least not to her own life. She had had those feelings once upon a time, but the years she had spent with her parents—her mother, especially—and the times she had seen the look of unhappiness on her mother’s face, made her resolve long ago not to give in to any feelings that she couldn’t control. And this was one of those feelings.

“It’s very mixed-up,” she said, and she saw his eyes narrow as he drummed his fingers on the table. “Very mixed-up.”

“Look at me, Katie,” he said so sharply that she blinked. “Do I look like some monster to you?” She shook her head. “Do I look like I want to hurt you?” She shook her head again. “Do I look like I want to take advantage of you?” For the first time in the conversation they both smiled. “No kidding,” he said. “I’m really an honorable person. Okay, just tell me one thing. You do know that something happened out there yesterday, don’t you? You do recognize something between us. Some little spark?”

Yes, Sam,
she wanted to say.
Yes, I know that there’s something there. That’s what the problem has been all day. That’s why I tried to call Jason so many times. That’s why I had to talk to him, wanted to hear his voice, to be reassured that he was my fiancé and that he was waiting for me, expecting me to return from just another winter vacation. Only, he wasn’t there. Yes, Sam, I recognize that there’s something there. But I don’t want to. I really don’t want to.

He tried another tack. “Do you think it’s just the fact that we’re having a good time? Or that we met each other at some vulnerable moment for each of us? Or that we have so many things in common? Or,” he smiled, “all of the above?”

She tilted her head to one side and kept silent. All of the above, she wanted to shout. All of the above and more. But she didn’t say anything and they remained awkwardly quiet.

“Okay,” Sam said, pushing his plate away. “We do have a problem, don’t we?” His chest heaved. “So what do we do about it? What can we do about it?”

“Nothing. There’s nothing we can do.” Katie was miserable and a tight band began to form around her head and compress it. This was something she hadn’t bargained for, this was to have been just another vacation. It was supposed to be strictly skiing, strictly fun. Nothing was supposed to happen and certainly nothing that would affect her life so permanently.

“Oh, Katie-Katie,” he said, “we just can’t turn our backs on this and pretend it never happened. It would be such a waste.”

She had no answers. She rocked back and forth in her chair, her palm against her head, trying to push at the ache inside and outside her skull. She wanted the pounding to stop. Most of all she wanted to stand up and run from the room. But she couldn’t, knowing in her heart that she really wanted to stay with Sam for as long as she had time left.

“Suppose you tell me about your fiancé,” he said.

“What good would it do?”

“It would give me a fair chance.”

She almost blurted out that it was she who needed the fair chance, that he had come along out of the blue and disturbed her very calm and orderly life just by smiling and talking with her.

“He’s just someone I’ve known for a long time. A fellow teacher. I work with him at the same school. I’ve known him for years.”

“Is he good to you?”

“Oh, yes, very good. He’s a very nice person—very gentle, very orderly. Everyone likes him.”

“Do you love him?”

She closed her eyes. He was asking the hard question now and she didn’t know how to answer him.

“Katie, do you love him? How come you can’t answer that? It’s the one question you should be able to answer quickly and with feeling. It should be the easiest. A no-brainer.” He put his hand over hers. “You should be able to say, ‘Yes, Sam, I love him very much.’ Your eyes should shine and you should smile. But you don’t. So I’ll ask you again, Katie. Do you love him?”

“It’s not like that, Sam. It’s not like music and rainbows and balloons and craziness. Jason’s not like that. He’s stable and good and he knows what he wants out of life. He does things in quiet ways and….”

“Katie, look at me.” Sam’s hand closed over hers and she kept her eyes on his hands, watching as his fingers curled over hers. “Tell me that you love him, Katie-Katie, and I’ll walk away now. Tell me that you want him and I’ll leave you alone. I’ll leave Cedar Crest this evening. Tell me that you don’t love me. ” He waited, and when she didn’t reply he ran his fingers lightly over hers, stroking them, smoothing them. “You can’t, can you?”

She shook her head, knowing that she had to answer truthfully. “No.” There—she had said it. It was there for both of them to know now.

“Okay, Katie,” he said, tightening his grip on her and seeming to read her mind. “Tell me now that you love me.”

“No!” Her voice was soft but clear. “I don’t even know you. I can’t say that. I won’t say that.”

“Then, Katie, in these next four days I’m going to make you know me and I’m going to get to know you. And then we’ll see what you have to say.” He squeezed her hand once more and then pointed it toward the mountain. “Come on, lady, it’s still early and we’ve got a lot of skiing and… a lot of other things to do. Mind you, Katie, I’m a very good salesman and I mean to sell you on me.”

As he pulled her from her chair she glanced around to see if people were watching them. But no one was paying attention to them. They were just two other guests at the Crest.

“Sam…” she began, but he held up his hands in front of him. “Don’t say a word right now, Katie. We’ve got only four days. We’ll talk later.”

Chapter Six

When Jason finally answered the phone after ten rings, Katie was sure that he had been asleep, because it was almost one a.m. He liked getting a full eight hours of rest every night. It was something he was adamant about and something she used to tease him about, telling him that there were some people who needed only four hours’ sleep and that they were perfectly capable of doing their jobs well. But Jason had only shaken his head, saying that he was always in bed before midnight and would always continue the practice except in an emergency. Well, maybe tonight could be considered an emergency, she thought. Tonight she had to talk to him and hear his voice. Surely he would understand.

“Hello, Jason.” She tried to keep her voice light, not wanting to betray her real reason for calling, wanting to hear his familiar, low-pitched voice for an assurance that back in Maryland there was a reality transcending the ski slopes of Cedar Crest, and that once this week was over, everything would return to normal at home.

“Hi, Katie,” he said drowsily. “I didn’t expect to hear from you this week. Is everything all right?”

“Sure. What could be wrong?” She creased her brow. If only she could tell him what the problem was—that another man had come into her life and was confusing her. “Jason, I…” she began, but he interrupted her before she could say another word.

“I wondered if you were having a good time, Katie. I figured it just might be too warm there for skiing. It’s almost seventy degrees here.”

“No, no,” she assured him. “It’s cold here and there’s plenty of snow and skiing.”

“That’s good.” Jason coughed. “I think the allergy season has started already. I even went to sleep early this evening.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to awaken you. I guess it is late, isn’t it?”

“Are you just getting in, Katie?” He coughed again.

“No. I’ve been in awhile. I was just… just reading and I thought I would call you, just to see how you are.” She paused, and when he made no response she continued, “I just wanted to see how you are… what you’ve been doing.” If only he would say something romantic, tell her he missed her, say anything that would encourage her to think positive thoughts about them.
Oh, Jason!
she thought.
Tell me that you love me, really love me. Make me want to forget about Sam. Make me remember who you are—who we are—and what we’ll be.