Warmth in Ice (A Find You in the Dark novella) (7 page)

I clenched my fist and banged on the door again, louder this time. I was just starting to think I had totally screwed up my big surprise when the door swung open.

The guy standing there looked at me with wide eyes that darted back and forth nervously. His white blond hair stood on end and his clothes were rumpled as though I had woken him up.

“What do you want?” he asked me shortly. I tried not to be offended by his rudeness. Clay had said that his roommates were pretty anti-social.

I plastered a smile on my face and held out my hand. “Hi, I’m Maggie Young, Clay’s girlfriend. I’m here to see him. Nice to meet you.”

The guy looked at my face, then my hand. He seemed suddenly panicked and backed away. “Uh, Clay’s upstairs.” He pointed to the staircase behind him. “Go that way,” he said before turning his back to me as he fled into another room.

Okay then.

I pulled my suitcase inside and leaned it against the wall in what must be their living room. I was pleased to see that it was actually pretty nice. It was tastefully decorated and there was a small Christmas tree in the corner and lights hung around the doorways.

I didn’t see anyone else but I could smell something cooking and saw a crockpot hooked up on the counter in the kitchen. This was a lot better than I had envisioned in my head and that made me feel so much better.

I walked up the stairs and I realized I had no idea which room was Clay’s. I went left and peeked around the first door to find it was a bathroom. It was so obvious guys lived here. The bathroom was clean but messy with towels strewn on the floor and no toilet paper on the holder.

I knocked on the door just to the right of the bathroom. No one answered and when I looked inside, I saw that it was empty. I didn’t recognize anything, so I could only assume it belonged to another roommate.

I went back down the hallway, toward music I recognized all too well. The door to the left was ajar and I slowly pushed it open. My heart immediately went into my throat.

Clay was hunched over his desk, his head bowed down. I could see a pile of crumpled paper beside him and he was furiously drawing on a piece of paper. He was completely lost in his own world. Seeing him like this was so familiar it brought tears to my eyes.

I looked around his room and couldn’t help but grin as I took in the throw pillows on his small couch and the pictures I had suggested he buy to put on the wall. This space was lived in. It held small touches of Clay everywhere.

It was vastly different from his room at Ruby’s. There, he had seemed to only be visiting. He had never allowed himself to settle, to get comfortable. Everything had been completely impersonal.

This room in so many ways represented the person Clay was becoming. It was warm and comfortable…and happy.

I leaned against the door jam and tucked my hands into my jeans pockets, a goofy smile on my face, content to watch him. I drank in the sight before me.

After a few minutes, as though sensing me behind him, Clay looked over his shoulder and froze. A myriad of expressions crossed his face. Shock and disbelief being the most prevalent until everything was washed away by a radiant and total joy.

He got to his feet so quickly, he knocked over his chair. “Oh my god, Maggie,” he said, his voice rough and I could see his beautiful eyes glossing over.

We rushed toward each other, meeting in the middle of the room. Our arms went around each other, Clay’s face burying into my hair, my face pressed into the hollow of his neck.

“You’re here, you’re really here,” he whispered over and over again. My entire body shuddered and I couldn’t speak, too overcome with the emotional overload of seeing him again after so long. I could only nod and cling to him as though my life were depending on it.

And this, being held by him, was the only place I ever wanted to be. I couldn’t ask for a more perfect Christmas.

I
couldn’t believe this was real!

Maggie.

She was here, in my fucking arms. I thought I had progressed to full on visual delusions. I was questioning my recovering mental health for the whole thirty seconds it took for me to cross the room and touch her.

I could smell her.

Feel her.

She was here.

I pulled back and looked down into the most beautiful face I would ever see in my entire life and I thought I would split in half with fucking happiness. Joy like this didn’t live inside of me very often. But when it did, there was only one person who could put it there.

And she was smiling up at me with tears in her gorgeous brown eyes.

“What the hell are you doing here?” I asked, shaking my head, completely undone by this moment.

Maggie raised her eyebrows and gave me a look. “Wow, you sure know what to say to the gal who traveled over a thousand miles on Christmas Eve to see your sorry ass,” she teased, pinching my side.

I cupped her face in my hands. “I am so blown away right now, sorry if I suck and can’t put into words what I’m feeling. I just can’t believe you’re here,” I said softly.

Maggie’s face softened and her lips stretch into a smile that tore me apart in the best way possible.

She wrapped her arms around my neck, her fingers slide into the hair at the base of my skull. She leaned up on her tiptoes so that her lips were just touching mine. Our noses brushed together. Her eyes sparkled as they looked into mine.

“Merry Christmas, Clay,” she whispered.

“Merry Christmas, Maggie,” I whisper back and then I tightened my arms around her waist and pulled her forward, pressing my mouth to hers. I groaned deep in my throat at the moment of impact. Her lips parted and my tongue danced inside.

Touching. Tasting. Devouring.

And just like that, I was home.

My hands swept up her back as I fit her body to mine. She tasted like peppermint and that indefinable thing that was all Maggie and made my gut twist and my dick instantly harden.

This thing between us had always been so much more than physical. It was emotional and spiritual. Passionate and fucking overwhelming. But the attraction that surged between us hadn’t waned in the months we had been a part. If anything, it burned hotter and stronger than ever before.

Maggie tugged my shirt out of my shorts and pushed her hands up my stomach, scraping her nails along my skin. She moaned loud into my mouth and I had a faint recollection that we should probably slow down. There were reasons that this was not a good idea right now, but hell if I could remember why.

I pulled my mouth away from Maggie’s and she tilted her head back as I ran my tongue along the column of her throat, dragging my teeth as I nipped at her skin. Maggie started to frantically unbutton my shirt, tugging it off my shoulders.

My fingers were on the button of her jeans when I heard a door slam downstairs and I instantly stilled. Shit. Shit. Shit.

I grabbed a hold of Maggie’s hands as they started on the zipper of my shorts. “Baby, please. Just stop a second,” I pleaded, sounding like I had run a damn mile.

Maggie pushed my hands away and resumed trying to get my zipper down. Her heated eyes met mine and she kissed me…hard. “We have waited seven months for this, Clay. How can you ask me to stop? Why would you want me to?” she asked and I hated to see the doubt and insecurity start to take the place of the desire on her face.

I grabbed her hands and brought them up to my mouth. I kissed her knuckles and then turned them over to kiss the soft skin of her open palms. I skimmed my nose along the wild heartbeat in her wrist, just below the dark ink of her tattoo.

“I want this, so much. But there are rules here. I can’t...I can’t do this
here.
Mags, I’m so sorry, but I could get thrown out. We’re not allowed overnight guests. But maybe I can call Roberta…tell her what’s going on. Fuck, maybe she’ll have half a heart and give me some slack,” I rambled.

Maggie was here. Finally. After all this time and I would be damned if she would sleep
anywhere
but next to me.

Maggie squeezed my hands. “Stop stressing, Clay. You know me, I plan everything. I’ve got a room for us. We’re spending Christmas together, I promise,” she said, grinning.

I grinned back, wrapping my arms back around her waist and lifted her up, swinging her around. “I love you so fucking much, Maggie May Young,” I declared, kissing her soundly before setting her feet back down on the floor.

And then a thought hit me. “Wait, Ruby’s coming into town tonight. She’s coming here and we’re going out to dinner. I can’t ditch her,” I explained, feeling my bubble burst a bit. It’s not that I didn’t want to see my aunt, but the thought of sharing my time with Maggie with
anyone,
even Ruby, was intolerable.

Maggie laid her check against my chest, right over my heart. “I’ve spoken with Ruby already. She’s planning to come up the day after Christmas. She wanted to give us time to be together. Just
us.
So it’s you and me, baby. Our first Christmas together.”

I couldn’t help it, I started crying. No, not in a bitch way. It was silent and understated, but yeah, I was crying.

I couldn’t help but think about last Christmas. That had been one of the bleakest times of my life. I was in lockdown at Grayson’s. I had only been away from Maggie for a few weeks after trying to kill myself. I was angry and depressed and hadn’t been able to see a way out of the hell I had created.

I had ended up on a twenty-four hour suicide watch that Christmas Eve after slicing open my wrist with a fork during breakfast. I remembered all too well the way it had felt to dig the tine into my skin.

But cutting didn’t hold the appeal it used to. It had been months since I had felt the compulsion to hurt myself. And now, holding my girl in my arms, the need was non-existent.

I was healing. Just as I had promised her I would.

Maggie pulled away and ran her fingers down my cheek. “Pack a bag, let’s get out of here,” she urged.

I did as I was asked, grinning like a fool the entire time.

“D
id
your parents give you money for all this?” I asked Maggie after we had checked in and brought our bags to the room. She had gone for the king suite, which was pretty nice.

Maggie was already digging through her suitcase, pulling bags and boxes out. She shook her head. “I took a job at a restaurant by school. I’ve been saving up for months,” she said offhandedly and I was floored. She had been planning this for a while.

As if reading my mind, Maggie looked over her shoulder, her hair, which had grown out and now hung to the middle of her back, fell around her face. “It was really hard not to tell you what I was planning. You know I suck at keeping secrets.”

I snorted. “Yeah, you are. I have to say I’m impressed,” I teased. Maggie rolled her eyes and started to pull things out of bags. I came up behind her and pressed my front against her back. Now that we were alone, I was going into full guy mode.

I leaned down and kissed the back of her neck and was satisfied by the way she shivered. I looked down at what she was doing and chuckled.

“How in the hell did you get all that in your suitcase? It looks like you packed half of Target in there.” And it was true. Maggie had brought with her a tiny decorated Christmas Tree, two stockings, a snowman that lit up with fiber optic lights, two boxes of candy canes, and a canister of cookies.

“We’re doing this holiday thing the right way, Clayton Reed. So roll with it,” she warned, picking up the tree and walking over to the coffee table. She plugged it into the wall and smiled when it lit up.

I lay back on the bed and watched as she set up our Christmas decorations, hanging the stockings from the TV stand and stringing more lights around the window.

When she was finished, she went back to her bag and pulled out a bunch of wrapped gifts and placed them under the tree. It was then that I started to panic. I had sent her gift to Virginia over two weeks ago. Crap! What if she hadn’t gotten it yet? Then I’d be the shittiest boyfriend in the world of shitty boyfriends. Making an excuse to sneak out to get her a quick present wouldn’t fly.

“Stop the meltdown, Clay, I brought the one you sent me,” Maggie said, giving me a wry look. I laughed.

“Was it that obvious?” I asked, holding my hand out to her after she situated the gifts and had come back to the bed. She wrapped her fingers around mine and I gave her a tug, pulling her down onto the bed with me. I noticed the sucky wrapping job of the present I had sent her.

That gift had taken a lot of time to put together. It would have gutted me if she hadn’t been able to open it on Christmas.

“Like a neon sign, Clay. You wear your freak out on your sleeve, babe,” she joked, nudging me with her elbow.

I squeezed her into my side, her head fitting under my chin. “Thank you for doing this, Maggie. I can’t believe it. I’ve wished for this for so long, I keep thinking it’s a big, crazy delusion and I’ve finally tipped the scales to full blown psychosis,” I said, breathing in the scent of her shampoo as I pressed my nose into her hair.

“I couldn’t stand the thought of not being together for Christmas. The distance was killing me, Clay. I knew this would be hard, but…”

“We had no idea how hard it would actually be,” I finished for her. Maggie folded her hands under her chin on my chest and looked up at me, her brown eyes serious.

“I’ve been so worried,” she admitted and I frowned. Had I given her a reason to think I wasn’t doing okay?

“I’ve been fine, Mags. I swear it. Every day is a challenge, but they’re getting easier. I promise,” I assure her, wanting to erase her fears.

Maggie shook her head and looked away. “I wasn’t worried about
that
,” she murmured.

Now I was confused.

I tucked my fingers under her chin and pulled her face around to look at me. “What was worrying you then? If it wasn’t about me relapsing, what was it?” I asked.

Maggie sighed and didn’t say anything. The silence stretched between us and I was starting to feel a tension that I didn’t like between us.

“Maggie, please, just tell me.”

I was shocked to see the tears fill her eyes and spill over. What the hell? I wiped the wetness away with my thumbs and pulled her up so I could kiss her mouth. I needed to take this away. Her sadness, her anxiety. I couldn’t figure out where it was coming from.

“I thought you’d get better and move on, Clay. I’ve been scared to death I’d lose you,” she sobbed and buried her face into my shirt.

You could have knocked me over with a fucking feather. Had she completely lost her mind? How could she ever think I’d move on from her? She was my entire world. My entire reason for trying so damn hard. Without Maggie May Young, there was no Clayton Reed.

“Maggie, look at me,” I said softly as she continued to cry into my chest.

I sat up and held her away from me, even though all I wanted was to hold her. But I needed her to look at me when I said what I had to say.

“Maggie, damn it, look at me,” I said harshly, feeling a little out of control with this whole situation. The fact that she could even for one second think that was too much. I couldn’t stomach the thought of her feeling pain over something so completely ridiculous.

Maggie finally looked at me, her eyes red and puffy. I kissed her mouth, her eyes, her cheeks. I rubbed my nose with hers and clasped my hands around the back of her neck.

“Mags, I’m in this forever. You are my future, my always. How could you
ever
think that? Everything I’m doing here is to make a life
with you
. Sure I’m learning to live for myself too, but there’s nothing without you. It’s what gets me out of bed in the morning. You are what keeps me going through the day and your face is what I see when I go to sleep at night. If there is one thing in this messed up universe you can count on, it’s my love for you. It’s constant. It’s endless. And it’s never going anywhere,” I swear.

Maggie is crying even harder now and this is not how I wanted our time together to be. I didn’t want us sitting in a hotel room while Maggie cried.

“You’ve just been so distant since I went to school. Being away from you is so hard, Clay. I start to imagine things and think things that drive me nuts.” I laughed and Maggie glared at me.

I hold up my hands. “Sorry, I’m not laughing at you. It’s just, I’ve been trying not to be an over the top jealous boyfriend. The first time I saw those guys in your room I wanted to fly up there and beat the shit out of them. Every time I think of you living your life without me, I start to think that maybe you’ll leave
me.
That you’ll realize that what we have is too hard. Too complicated. Not being able to hold you every day is the worst kind of torture. It’s all I can do not to lose it some days.” Maggie starts to look panicked again but I silence her with a kiss.

“But then I remember why I’m fighting so hard to begin with. For you. For me. For what we are building together. And then I can get through the day.” Maggie had finally stopped crying and she was smiling. Just a tiny grin but it was there all the same. I placed her palm over my heart.

“I told you once that this was yours. There’s no giving it back. Even if you decided you didn’t want it anymore, it would still only ever belong to you,” I said. I knew with a certainty, soul deep, that our love was more than a moment.

It was a lifetime.