Wasted Words (31 page)

When I found Tyler, I was close to coming unhinged, my heart pounding, thoughts galloping away like wild horses. He knew immediately that something was wrong and pulled me aside.

“What’s the matter?” he asked, cupping my cheek, searching my face.

I tried to smile and shook my head. “Nothing,” I said, leaning into his palm, wondering what in the world to do.

Tyler

COLD DREAD RAN THROUGH ME the minute I saw her walking back to me. But she smiled at me, told me she was fine, and even though I knew it was a lie, I felt powerless. I couldn’t force her to talk to me, to be honest with me, to trust me. Didn’t matter how much I wanted her to come around. It wasn’t up to me.

Something had happened, but she wouldn’t tell me what. It was plain to see … she’d gone from open, happy,
mine,
to disappearing into her thoughts, her mood shifting inward for the rest of the night. Sure, she still participated, still smiled, but it didn’t touch her eyes. She talked, laughed, but none of it came from her heart.

The cab ride home was long and quiet, putting aside what I wanted to give her the space she wanted. Because what
I
wanted was to machine-gun her with questions, to make her talk to me so I could fix it. Even the physical space between us in the taxi as she leaned on her door, looking out the window, was vast.
 

It was only a few feet, but she was miles away.

My anxiety ratcheted with every second, every word left unspoken hanging between us. You know, you can feel a breakup before it happens, as if the other person’s thoughts project into every molecule, and when you breathe them in, you can read their mind.

She took my hand when I offered it to help her out of the cab, and she didn’t let it go, not as we walked up the stairs to our apartment in silence, not until we were inside when she turned to me, eyes brimming with pain and tears.

I reached for her, but she stepped back, shaking her head.

My jaw clenched. “Tell me what happened, Cam.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“That’s bullshit. It matters to me.”

“Tyler …” She looked so uncertain, her thoughts screaming through the silence.

“I don’t know where the girl who I danced with earlier has gone. You won’t talk to me. You won’t trust me with whatever’s going on. I’ve been patient, I’ve tried to give you space and let you be, but you’ve had one foot out the door the whole time. One minute you’re up, the next you’re down. I want to be with you, and I can shoulder a lot, but you’ve got to go all in. I need to know you’re in this with me.”

Her chin quivered, and she pursed her lips to stop it. “You’re right. This isn’t fair to you. I’ve second guessed everything, doubted everything, including myself. The anxiety, the worry … it’s driving me crazy. And so I’m driving you crazy.”

“I want you to drive me crazy. Can’t you see that?”

She shook her head again. “Tyler, no you don’t. This is supposed to be easy. When you fall for someone, shouldn’t it be easy? I don’t feel like we’re the same. We’re not equals.”

My hands shook, my fists tight by my side, trying to hang on to her. “What do you want from me?
 
I’ve done everything,
everything
to prove it to you, but here we are again.”

“You’ve done everything right, but … you don’t understand. How could you? We’re too different. And the last time I felt this way, I ended up hurt. So hurt.” Her voice broke.

I moved for her, stepping into her, and she let out a breath as I drew one, my brow low, eyes hard. She was backed against the couch, and I held her small face, tilting it up to mine. “Am I not enough for you, Cam?”

Tears filled her eyes. “You’re too much.” The words were but a whisper.

“So you’re just going to walk away?”

“I don’t know what else to do.”

I gently squeezed her jaw cupped in my palms. “You have to choose. That’s it. You don’t walk away. You let me in. You just have to choose.”

She took a shuddering breath, her brown eyes brimming, but I saw a flicker of hope. “What if I can’t?”

I shook my head, searching her face. “You can. You can do anything. You just have to believe in me. In us. That’s all.”

“I want to, but—”

“Then that’s all that matters. I need you to see that. Nothing else matters except I want you, and you want me. Tell me you want me.”

Her breath was shallow. “I want you,” she said quietly. “But—”

“No more buts. There’s nothing left to say.” I leaned down, my lips on a track for hers. “Don’t fight me, Cam. Don’t run away.”

Her lids fluttered closed, forcing tears down her cheeks, and I felt her let go, felt her fall into me. I just didn’t know for how long.

So I did the only thing I could to show her how I felt — I kissed her.

I kissed her with all of me, heart and soul, told her with every motion, every touch, every breath that I wanted her. That she was perfect. That I was hers.

She leaned into me, slipped her hands up my chest, under my jacket, and I pulled her close, as close as I could.
 

I broke away after a moment, eyes closed, pressing my forehead to hers as we caught our breath.
 

“I want you, Cam. I want your body, your heart, your soul. I’ll give you mine in exchange. But you have to choose me, right here, right now. Do you trust me?”

“More than anyone,” she said, her voice heavy with decision and emotion.

“Then promise me. Let this be it. Once and for all. You and me. No more uncertainty. No more questions. Just us.”

Her eyes met mine, shining in the low light. “I promise.”

I sighed with relief, pulling her close, leaning down to take her mouth with possession, and she sank into my arms, her body against mine, my hands at her jaw, in her hair, down her neck, the curve of her breast, her waist. I stood, taking her with me, her shoes hitting the ground, legs locking around my waist. My heart pounded, our tongues circling, lips moving together, and my hands slipped up her bare thighs to her ass, pulling her into me.

She moaned softly, her arms squeezing tighter around my neck, and I held her close, moving toward her dim bedroom.

I lay her down in bed, and she broke away, brown eyes big, full of fear and love.

“I’m afraid,” she said softly, and I touched her cheek.

“Then hold on to me. As long as we have each other, we can survive anything,” I whispered, voice faltering. “Hold on to me.”

Her hands cupped my jaw, and as I looked down at her in the soft light, I only hoped she would.

She kissed me and I felt her fear. I felt her worry and sadness. I felt her doubt and knew it was herself that she doubted, not me. And that somehow hurt me worse.

But with every second, I felt those feelings slip away, felt her let herself go, forget the rest. To remember me. To be with me so wholly and fully that nothing else mattered.

It was all that I wanted.

Her hands slipped under my jacket again, this time pushing it over my shoulders, and I shrugged it off, tossing it away. We kissed, hips pressed together, rolling gently, savoring the feeling, the need. Her hands trembled as she untied the knot of my tie and unfastened the buttons of my shirt, and when she laid her palms against my skin, my breath caught and hips flexed, pressing her into the bed.

She sighed against my lips.

“I want you naked,” I said, my fingers trailing down her body, under the hem of her dress hitched up to her hip. Her skin was soft, smooth, hot under my hand, and I gripped her tight, pressing my hips into hers again before backing away.
 

I took her hand and pulled her off the bed, the two of us standing before each other, breath shaking.

She put her back to me, sweeping her hair off her neck, face turned, eyes down, and my eyes followed the line of her profile as I unbuttoned her dress until that sliver of skin was exposed to me again. My fingers skated down her back, and she shivered under my touch, sending a shock of pleasure through me.

My hands ran across the curve of her shoulder, taking the dress gently with them, down her arms until it fell to the ground.

I couldn’t breathe. She turned, standing before me, skin smooth and soft, the contrast of her black bra and panties sending my pulse ticking up a notch. My eyes moved down her body and back up, coming to rest on her parted lips that whispered my name.

I pulled off my shirt, lips connecting with hers, hands trailing up her thighs, to the swell of her ass as she pressed her body against mine, arms winding around my neck. And I grabbed her by the hips, moving her back onto the bed, sliding in next to her. My thigh lay between her legs, and she twisted them around it, flexing, arching her back, grinding against me, moaning into my mouth.
 

I deepened the kiss, my tongue slipping farther into her mouth, and she shifted her hips enough to reach for my belt, then my button, then the zipper. Her hands slid down the skin of my stomach, under the band of my underwear and lower until she gripped me.

It was my turn to moan at the shock of pleasure, her warm hand stroking me as she sighed and kissed me.

I’d never wanted anyone so much. I’d never been so afraid to want someone so much.
 

My hand found her cheek, her hair, cupped the back of her head to hold her close, and she tugged at the waist of my pants.
 

I backed away, brushed her hair from her face. I sighed and closed my eyes, bending to kiss her once, hard. “Stay right here,” I whispered when I broke away. “I’ll be right back.”

My heart pounded as I rolled off her bed and made my way into my room, digging through my nightstand for the things we’d need. When I came back in, I stopped in the doorway at the sight of her stretched out on the bed, still in her black underwear and bra, watching me with just as much awe as I watched her.

Our eyes locked as I walked toward her, dropping my pants and stepping out of them and my shoes. Even as I climbed onto the bed toward her and she reached for me, I was lost in her eyes, until mine closed, and I kissed her.

She wrapped herself around me, the kiss deep and intense, my hands trailing down her neck to her breast. There was no lining — I could feel her tight nipple under my palm as I squeezed gently, hooking my fingers under the edge to expose her. I broke my lips away to move down her body, pausing when I reached her breast resting in my palm to kiss her pink nipple.
 

I closed my eyes, circling my tongue, squeezing gently, and her fingers slid into my hair with a soft hum. I hummed back and felt goosebumps peak across her skin as my hand skated down her ribs, down her stomach, to the hem of her panties.

I slipped a hand inside, moving back up to kiss her, feeling the warmth against the pad of my finger as I brushed the tip of her. Her back arched, rolling her hips, searching for my finger with intention as I traced up the wet line, circling the sensitive spot at the top when I reached it. Then back down again, teasing her until I finally slipped my finger inside her.
 

She gasped, rolling her hips again as I palmed her, needing her wet, and she was — she was so small, so slight, I didn’t want to hurt her. I never wanted to hurt her.

My finger curled, finding the rough spot inside, grazing it steadily with each flex of my palm until her breath was shallow, eyes pinned shut, and she squeezed around my finger once, just once, enough for me to know she was close.

I moved down her body again, pulling off her panties before lying between her thighs. She looked down at me, and I met her eyes for only a moment before looking back to my hands as I stroked her, parted her, closed my lips over her and sucked. Her hands found my hair again. I licked up the line, sucking again once I reached the top, and she writhed, knees raising and parting to open herself up to me. When I looked up, her head was kicked back, ribs protruding as she sucked in a deep breath.
 

Her fingers tightened in my hair. I didn’t want her to come yet, not like this. I wanted to be inside of her, wanted to feel her fall apart around me. So I let her go.
 

She looked down at me, eyes barely open, licking her lips as she leaned up and grabbed me, frantic, pulling me to her to kiss me, licking the taste of herself off my lips, slipping her tongue deep into my mouth, breathing me in.
 

And I couldn’t wait for her any longer.

I pulled away, both of us panting, reaching for the condom I’d brought as she sat up enough to take off her bra and fling it across the room. She watched me, eyes locked on my hands as I rolled the condom on. Her lips were parted, tongue darting out to wet them, and when she met my eyes again, she looked afraid.

But I smiled knowingly. “I’m not going to hurt you, Cam.”

She nodded as a pain shot through my chest, wondering if she’d hurt me instead. But she’d promised. It was over. She was mine, and now I’d claim her as she’d already claimed me.

I grabbed the bottle labeled
Slide
, and her face softened with realization of what it was. She took it from my hand and poured a little out, coating her hands before she reached for me.

I sighed at the feeling, her slick, warm hands around my shaft, squeezing and sliding, gripping and flexing. I poured a little out into my palm and slipped my hand between her legs to stroke her. But she didn’t want to wait any more than I did.

She pulled me down to her to kiss me again, and I moved between her legs, settling in, my shaft against the wetness of her. Her hips flexed and rolled against me, shifting and angling, looking for my crown, and I pulled back my hips, dropping between her legs until I rested at her entrance.

She stopped kissing me, her body frozen against me, her eyes finding mine.

Neither of us breathed when I flexed, filling her slowly.

Her eyelashes fluttered and closed with a sigh, chin tilting back.

She was so small, so tight around me, I pulled out slowly, body trembling with want, with need for her as I held on to control with everything I had. I rolled my hips gently, and her head dropped to the side, stretching her neck long, and I kissed the soft skin up to her ear.