Watch Me Walk Away (6 page)

She had said they needed extras for a Christmas caroling scene in the play she was in and all I would have to do is sing We Wish You a Merry Christmas while standing in front of the door. Also she said that they needed help on the crew with set design and props. So one day I went with her to rehearsal and the teacher said I could be an extra. It was that easy and that life changing at the same time. After I agreed to come to rehearsals on Tuesdays and Thursdays Deb took me backstage. She introduced me to Jimmy who was the stage manager. She had obviously already told him about me because he just took me by the hand, walked me to a flat that needed painting and handed me a brush.

That was it. I was part of the crew and the cast. I went to every rehearsal even when I didn’t need to. I hung around back stage with the crew in the back room called “The Swamp” and that is where I met Bobby. I didn’t meet him the first day because he was hanging lights. But the second day I went straight back to find Jimmy and find out what he needed me to do and I ran into Bobby, literally. I was walking into the swamp as he was backing out. He nearly knocked me over and when I looked up at him I was speechless. Why wasn’t this guy part of the cast, he would draw a crowd. Six-three, almost black hair with blue eyes so deep you could almost drown in them. And he was built, not an ounce of fat on his body which I could see through his tight black t-shirt. Then he smiled at me and I was lost. For the first time in my life my body reacted to a guy and it seems nothing has changed if last night was any indicator.

The cab pulls up to the curb disturbing my walk down memory lane. I pay him and get out glancing at the time nine-fifty, I have ten minutes to spare. The Starbucks is a street over but I had the cab drop me off on the corner of the Dakota. I still can’t believe Bobby lives here. He was always a Beatles fan. His mom got him into them and we used to sing their songs driving in his old truck. I can just imagine that when he was looking for a place and found there was an opening here he would have jumped on it!

I look up at the building and wonder which floor Bobby is on. Maybe I’ll ask Debbie. I start to turn away and head toward Starbucks when I hear, “Now who’s stalking who?”

Damn, damn, double damn! I turn back around, “Not stalking, just looking at a landmark. I am meeting Deb for coffee down the block.”

Shit! I should have just kept walking and ignored him. He looks like he is just getting back from the gym, all sweaty and hot. Looking at him my temperature just shot up a few degrees. I need to get out of here fast!

“Deb didn’t tell me you were meeting. When did the two of you decide this?” he asks.

So Deb didn’t tell him, so what? Does she have to clear everything she does with him? “We discussed it last night and finalized it this morning,” I say. “We didn’t get to catch up much and I know they’re leaving soon.” I make it sound like it was my idea, why I’m not sure but Deb obviously doesn’t want him to know. “Stuart’s place is right across the park so this was convenient before I head home.”

He lifts an eyebrow and looks like he is trying to figure this out. I know he is wondering if I am pumping Deb for info on him.

“We haven’t had a chance to sit and talk in years and I don’t plan on going to Texas anytime soon so this is a good time,” I say looking at the time on my phone. “I’m going to be late. I’ll talk to you tomorrow?” God, now I sound like I am begging him to call me.

“Yeah, I’ll call you tomorrow,” he says. I start to walk away again when he grabs my hand, “I’d like to catch up too you know.” He is looking at me like a puppy that just lost his favorite bone. All I want to put my arms around him and hold him.

I squeeze his hand and say, “That’s what we’ll do at lunch right?” He nods and releases my hand. I start walking towards Starbucks again but can’t help glancing back. He is standing there watching me walk away.

When I get to Starbucks I look back again and he is gone. Into his building I assume. I walk in and look for Debbie where I see her sitting at a table in the back. She waves me back but I need some caffeine before I sit and I get in line. I call out to her, “Do you want anything?” She shakes her head.

Luckily for me the line is short so I get my skinny cappuccino pretty quick. I sit down at the table and Debbie looks worried about something. “Hey girl, what’s up?” I ask.

“I don’t have a lot of time,” she says. “I want to get back before Bobby gets back from the gym.”

“Well that’s not gonna happen,” I say. “I just ran into him on the street. I told him we were having coffee but I made it seem like it was my idea to catch up.”

Her shoulders sag. “Shit, I didn’t want him to know I was meeting you,” she says.

“Why?” I ask.

“Look Bobby and Jimmy are still pretty tight. They talk almost every day on the phone. I don’t want Bobby thinking I’m talking out of turn.”

“What’s the big deal?” I ask. “We’re just two old friends catching up. It’s not like he’s going to be the focal point of this conversation. Right?”

“Well actually he is,” she says. “I wanted to explain a few things to you.” She’s wringing her hands together so I know she’s upset about something. What could she possibly explain to me? Why he left me? How he got his money? I already heard that story from Jodi.

“I don’t get it, Deb,” I say. “What do I need to know?”

“You need to understand that Bobby never got over you. He hasn’t had a lasting relationship since he left for the army. Nothing more than a month at a time and other than that just one night stands.” She looks me in the eye and says, “He’s still in love with you.”

I start to push my chair back and say, “No way. He is the one who couldn’t even pick up a phone or a pen to contact me after he left. He never once got in touch with me. Then at that New Year’s Eve party he was all over me until he found out I was still a virgin and then he stopped like I had grown three heads! He doesn’t love me, he never did.”

She grabs my hand to keep me from getting up. “You’re wrong. You are the only one he ever loved. Do you know what he did in the Army?” I shake my head. “He was special forces. He was in Iraq most of the time and he saw a lot of action. I don’t know the specifics because Jimmy would never tell me, other than that he was always worried that Bobby wouldn’t get home alive.”

“He had just gotten assigned right before he came home that year,” she says. “Bobby didn’t want you to have to live with the worry or the guilt if he didn’t make it. He told Jimmy that he just wanted to see you one more time before he went, in case he didn’t make it back. He wanted a memory to get him through the hard times.”

Tears are running down my cheeks. Why didn’t he tell me? Was that why it felt like he was desperate for me that night? He loved me? This was too much to take. “Why now, Deb? Why tell me all of this now and not when it might have made a difference? Was it too much to ask that my friends clue me in to what was going on? You know how I felt about him. You know what a basket case I was after that night. Why not explain then?” I ask.

“He swore Jimmy to secrecy and Jimmy made me swear to him that I wouldn’t tell you. Neither one of them was supposed to know I was meeting you today. Bobby still doesn’t want you to know. At least until he is ready to tell you,” she says.

“But why? He has to know it would have made a difference. I would have waited for him. I loved him. I’ve never felt that for anyone else,” I am still crying. “I was accepted at NYU, I would have stayed close to be with him when he got out. I don’t understand.”

“That’s why he did it, Lisa. He didn’t want you to wait. He wanted you to live your life and have a chance to love someone else. He did it for you,” she says. “Look, I know this is a lot to take in and a short amount of time to do it. I just wanted you to know that he would move heaven and earth for you. He will always have your back and you will always have his heart. He has been keeping tabs on you the whole time. He knows everything about you. He was at your father’s funeral last year even though you didn’t see him.”

I remember that day. My father and I weren’t close. He was an alcoholic and abusive to me and my mother when he lived with us. His last wife barely even spoke to me at the funeral. I think she was a little put out that I got more sympathy then she did from his friends. I remember seeing someone standing a ways away at the cemetery and wondering who it was. I thought maybe it was one of Dad’s drinking buddies that didn’t want to deal with the guilt of knowing he helped put my father in his grave with all the drinking. But it was Bobby. He just stood there watching never coming to say anything. God I wish he would have come over. I really could have used his strength that day.

“I saw him. I didn’t know it was him but I saw him,” I tell Debbie. “So what am I supposed to do now? I am with Stuart at the moment. I don’t know where that is going but do I leave him in the off chance that Bobby wants me this time?”

“He never stopped wanting you, Lisa,” she says. “I don’t know what you should do but I just wanted you to have all the facts. I want you to be able to make the best decision for you. You couldn’t do that if you didn’t know. And for what it’s worth, I’m sorry for not telling you sooner. Jimmy and I fought about it a lot and I am probably in for a huge blow-up when we get back to Texas.”

She stands up, “I have to get back. Our plane leaves in a couple of hours and if I don’t get back soon then Jimmy will come looking for me. Especially since he now knows where I am.”

I stand up and give her a hug, “I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have jumped all over you for keeping all this from me. It wasn’t your decision and I wish you and Jimmy weren’t in the middle. Thank you and him for being such good friends and I wish we really did have time to catch up. Maybe I’ll get lucky and land a client who headquarters in Texas and I’ll be able to visit.”

“That would be great. I will call you in a couple of days to see how you’re doing, Okay?” she asks.

I nod my head, “Yeah that would be great.”

She walks away and I sit back down. What do I do now? I feel like my heart just got ripped open again. Bobby loves me. He’s always loved me. He’s been looking out for me. It’s just too much to handle. I stand up and leave.

Chapter Eight

I hail a cab to Penn Station and get on a train to go home. All the while thinking about everything Debbie said. What do I do?

I get about half way home when I remember I was supposed to call Stuart after I left Debbie. He’s going to be pissed. I text him:

Sorry caught a train home. I’m not feeling well. I will call you later. XOXO

As I push send I feel like a shit. Stuart was really great this morning and all he wanted was to spend more time with me. Now I blow him off with my ex rattling around in my every thought.

You should have come back here. I would have taken care of you. Please call me. XO

I don’t think Stuart can take care of this one. I need a couple of days to myself to figure out what I want. Maybe Jodi can help. I wonder how much she knows and if she’ll tell me if she does. How many of my friends knew what was going on?

This is getting me nowhere and I can’t take it out on my friends even if they did know. I will talk to Jodi when I get home and we will figure out my next move. Bobby is calling me Monday to set up a lunch date. I have to have my shit together by then. I try to relax for the rest of the ride and end up falling asleep. Luckily my stop is last so I have no other choice than to get up. I make my way to my car and once I’m inside I break down into tears.

I cry for almost ten minutes before I can make myself stop. I start my car and drive to Jodi’s house. I sit there in the driveway for a few minutes. Luckily John is not here and I will be able to talk to Jodi alone. I am not ready to deal with anyone else.

I walk in the door and Jodi takes one look at me and knows there’s something wrong. “What happened?” she asks. “Did Stuart do something to you?”

“No it’s not Stuart,” I say. “I need a drink and then we have a lot of talking to do.” I walk to the kitchen and grab a glass of wine. I lean on the counter trying to figure out where to start. I turn to the sink and throw some cold water on my face.

I take a deep breath and walk out to sit on the couch. “Did you know that Bobby was in the Special Forces in the Army?”

“I found out after he got home,” she says. “John knew but it was some kind of big secret. Jimmy knew of course and Joe I think but other than that I don’t think anyone else knew until he came home. He got a write up in Newsday, returning hero gets hurt and all that.”

“Wait, he was hurt? How hurt?” I stand up and start pacing.

“He was hospitalized for over a month in Germany before he came home. I don’t know all the details but he was in a coma for a while and he was shot in the chest. John said it was touch and go in the beginning but by the time he got home he looked okay just a little stiff.” She watches me for about a minute then stands up in front of me. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you but you had finally seemed to have gotten over him and I didn’t want you to get sucked back in.”

I fall into her arms and start crying again. She helps me back to the couch and she holds me until I am just sniffling. “Debbie said he still loves me and that the only reason he never got in touch with me was because he didn’t think he was coming back. He didn’t want me waiting for him and worrying.”

I sit up and look at her, “Did you know he was at my Dad’s funeral?” She shakes her head. “I think I saw him, he was standing far enough away that I never would have known it was him. He stood on the cemetery the whole time just watching, he was still standing there when I got back into the car.”

“According to Deb he has been keeping tabs on me the whole time. He got back and then lost his parents in that freak accident and he did it all alone.” I take a long drink of wine. “I don’t know what to do, Jodes. I feel like my heart has been ripped open again. And I’m with Stuart now, who I blew off today because I was so preoccupied after talking to Deb that I just hopped a cab to the train. I was half way home before I realized I had promised him I would call him and maybe come back. And on top of it all, Bobby is calling me on Monday because he wants to do lunch to catch up. How do I face him? Debbie made me promise I wouldn’t let him know that she told me anything. How do I sit across from him and not let it show I know? You know he can read me like a book. He will take one look at me and know.”