Watch Over Me (17 page)

‘I won’t ask you how it went. That would be nosy, wouldn’t it?’ she said, a hand on my arm. She had warm eyes and a lovely, wise face. She looked … serene. Something in her demeanour made me want to talk, which doesn’t happen often.

‘Not well,’ I said and took a sip of the tea Silke had put in my hand when I had come back in from the cold.

‘I’m sorry,’ she said and looked at the cup of tea in my hand, while everybody else was drinking alcohol in one form or other. She
knows
, I thought.

‘So … yeah, are you up here for long?’

‘No. I just came for one night. I came to meet you. I’ve been keeping an eye on your work for a couple of years now and I suggested to a few of my Australian friends that they do the same. They are very keen to get to know you better, and so am I.’

‘Well, that is very flattering. Thank you.’

‘I think there would be good chances for you to exhibit in Australia, all over the country. Do you think we can talk about it tomorrow? Silke is taking me for lunch in the local pub, then I’m driving back down.’

Exhibit in Australia? I was speechless.

‘I’d love to. Sure. Thanks.’

‘Better go now, it’s a long drive tomorrow. Oh, and Jamie …’

‘Yes?’

‘Can I be frank? I don’t want to embarrass you …’

‘Sure …’

She smiled and her face wrinkled up cheerfully, like it was used to smiling often. ‘I’m nearly sixty now. I have quite a bit of life experience and I think it’s always worth it to take a risk. Even when it doesn’t pay off immediately.’

And with that, she walked away.

I finished the night on Silke’s sofa, eating chips, and the awful sense of cold and loneliness left by Eilidh’s rejection was softened and smoothed by Silke’s companionship. Something about Silke seems to unknot me, to ease me into myself.

We sat together and chatted and ate, and I just hoped with all my heart that it would all work out for her, that Fiona would soon find the courage to bring their love into the light.

‘Hopefully Eilidh will see sense, too,’ she said, her German accent made thick by tiredness, her pink hair resting on the velvet cushions.

Yes, my life was thawing after all.

Thawing and changing. Turning upside down, even.

Over lunch the next day, Emily asked me whether I’d be interested in setting up a few exhibitions in Australia and then touring the openings.

I was half excited, half daunted. She said I’d need to be there for about four months and I’d be travelling constantly, so it’d make sense for Maisie to stay behind. But I couldn’t possibly leave her for so long. If she came with me, she’d miss out on her schooling but learn a lot on the way. It’d be a crazy life for a five-year-old, but better than being separated from me for such a long a time.

This was the opportunity of a lifetime, but I couldn’t just say yes straight away, there was too much to consider.

I told Emily I’d get back to her, that I needed time to think, and saw her off with a mixture of excitement and a sense of … disquiet. Changes unsettle me, even good ones. Like my father, I always try and preserve the status quo. I had to speak with Shona and see what she thought.

‘So, where were you last night? I heard you coming in at dawn!’ She was sitting at the breakfast table, still in her dressing gown even though it was past twelve o’clock. Very un-Shona.

‘I was with Silke.’

Shona looked shocked. ‘Seriously?’

‘No, not what you think. Silke’s gay. Hers is the worst kept secret in the whole of Scotland. Everybody knows. The thing is, nobody knows about her girlfriend, so that’s why they’re trying to keep it quiet.’

‘Who?’ asked Shona conspiratorially. You can trust Shona with anyone’s secret, so I told her.

‘You are joking! Fiona? Well, good for her! Except … well, you know the Robertsons. They are very …’

‘Bigoted?’

‘I was going to say conservative. They are good people. Just not used to things being … you know, different.’

‘Well, we’ll see how it goes. Anyway, Silke and I are not having a relationship. In spite of what Gail says.’

‘Did Gail think that? Not anymore anyway. I met Helena at Sharon’s yesterday and she kept trying to prise information out of me about you and Eilidh.’

I looked away. ‘I thought Helena was a friend of Eilidh’s.’

‘Some friend. The whole clan is out to get her now. Gail is in a bad way apparently, she’s talking about going to New York for a year, they’ve got family there. They are furious with you, too.’

‘They would have been more furious had I married her and made her miserable. I don’t love her – can’t they just get that? We went out for six months, it’s not like I led her on for years!’

‘I know, I know, just let it go. Don’t get yourself upset over it.’

‘I’m not. Well, maybe a bit. You don’t look so good yourself – you look a bit pale. Did you not sleep well? Are you feeling ok?’

‘I didn’t sleep much last night, actually. I’m shattered today. Would it be ok if I give Fraser a ring and stay another night? I’ll get a good night’s sleep and drive up tomorrow.’

‘Of course, don’t drive tonight if you’re not up for it. I’m sorry I left you looking after Maisie this morning.’

‘Not at all, you had to go and meet that Emily person … what’s her name again?’

‘Emily Simms. She asked me …’ I took a big breath. ‘Well, she asked me to go over to Australia for a few months. Set up a few exhibitions, attend the openings and all that. All over the country.’

There was a moment of silence.

‘For a few months? What about Maisie? I mean, it’s wonderful, but … what would Maisie do?’

‘She’d come with me. I don’t think we should be apart for that long.’

‘No, of course not, you’d have to take her with you, you’d both suffer otherwise, I think.’

I nodded. She didn’t speak.

‘It’s a wonderful opportunity,’ I said tentatively. ‘The sort of success I never dreamt of.’

‘That’s because you never really dreamt of success at all. Success never seemed to be high in your list of priorities. Money, even less.’

‘Success would mean having to work less and being with Maisie more, and money would mean giving her the best chances in life.’

‘Like what?’

‘Like the best university, the best … I don’t know. The best of everything. Ok, I know what you’re doing here.’ I smiled.

Shona smiled back and shrugged her shoulders. ‘If you feel you want to go, I don’t think that ultimately she’d suffer. You’d look after her, she’d be fine and she’d learn so much and see so much … It’s just that I’m not sure you’d enjoy doing it. Being away from home for all that time, having to schmooze and meet lots of new people, networking and making contacts – you’d have to socialize an awful lot. I don’t know, I think you’d be a bit … well, like a fish out of water. But then, it’s only a few months …’

‘You say being away from home would be hard but what’s keeping me here? You have your own life up in Aberdeen, my pals are all married, we have a million cousins with an average age of seventy …
who
keeps me here? Nobody will be devastated if I go away for a bit.’

‘I will. But that’s beside the point. You know what I think? There’s something you’re not telling me. I don’t know … It’s like you
want
to get away from here.’

‘Well, I think there’s something
you
are not telling me. You’ve been strange this weekend, I can’t quite put my finger on it.’

‘Don’t try and distract me. This is not about me.’

‘Well, no, but I’ll do you a deal. I’ll tell you if you tell me.’

She hesitated, and looked at me open-mouthed for a second. Then she blurted out, ‘I’m pregnant. Again. I’m not enrolling in college next year – it’s back to sleepless nights and nappies for me … I really … I really wanted to do this, you know? Become a nurse. I got married so young, started having babies … This was
my
time …’

‘Oh, Shona …’ I put my arm around her shoulder and brushed her blonde hair away from her face. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘Don’t say that! Don’t say you’re sorry. It sounds awful, to say that about a baby …’

‘It does, but I can hardly say congratulations if you say you’re devastated.’

‘Can you bloody believe it? We had an accident. An accident! I’m on the pill, I didn’t skip a day, I didn’t throw up or anything, but still, it happened! It’s not even like we do it that often, with the girls and stuff, I’m always knackered–’

‘SHONA, please, I don’t want to hear about that. Whatever happens, I don’t want to hear about my sister’s sex life!’

‘Sorry …’

‘Does Fraser know?’

‘No. I found out for sure only this morning.’

‘Well, maybe it’ll be a son …’

‘Don’t say that! It sounds awful, to say that and then if it’s a girl, it’s like she’s less wanted than the other three.’

I laughed.

‘What’s so funny?’

‘I can’t say sorry because it’s not nice to say that about a baby. I can’t say that maybe it’s a boy in case it’s a girl and she feels less wanted. It doesn’t exactly sound like you’re unhappy about this baby.’

‘DON’T say that, don’t say I’m unha— Oh. Yes, I see what you mean …’

‘I know you’re disappointed about the nursing but you can always do that in a few years. It’s just a delay. I know it’s not ideal—’ She opened her mouth. ‘I know, I know, don’t say it’s not ideal in case the baby takes offence!’

We both laughed and she dried her wet cheeks.

‘Thank you.’

‘You’re welcome. Congratulations.’ I gave her a hug.

‘Your turn now. And don’t try to change the subject.’

‘I asked Eilidh to go out with me, she said no.’

Shona’s face fell.

‘
No?
But why?’

‘Maybe she doesn’t like me, I know it seems impossible to you that someone might not like your baby brother but—’

‘No, it’s not that. She does like you. Maybe it’s too soon …’

‘Yes. Whatever. I’m leaving it. For good. I don’t want any more … I don’t want any more heartache.’ The words came out with difficulty. It’s not easy to talk about feelings, not even with my sister.

‘Oh, Jamie. It’s all so complicated, isn’t it? Our plans are going all over the place … a new baby, and maybe Australia, and Eilidh not working out …’

‘What do you mean Eilidh not working out? Were you counting on us getting together?’

‘You don’t really understand women, do you? Of course I was counting on it!’

‘Oh well. I’m always the last to know.’

‘True. Anyway, it’s all so confusing. I wish someone … well, I wish someone could look after us … sort everything out …’

We looked at each other.

‘I’ll look after you. I’ll make you a nice dinner and a cup of tea and then off to bed.’

‘You sound like Mum.’

That made me smile.

Those ballet classes had become the cross of my life. That woman kept asking me, over and over again. Four times in a week. I
had
to make her stop.

‘Jamie, do you have a minute?’

‘Of course. Tea?’

‘Sure.’

‘Are you staying for tea?’ A wee voice came from behind the sofa. Maisie had built a den with a sheet in between a chair and the back of the sofas, and had furnished it with cushions, her Rose Cottage and her ponies.

‘No, darling, not tea as in dinner, just a cup of tea,’ I answered.

I saw Jamie opening his mouth to say something. Probably trying to reiterate what I had just said. He surely didn’t want to spend any more time with me, after that awful night.

‘Oh, ok …’ he said.

We hovered around the kettle until the tea was ready, then sat on the sofa. Maisie was having a tea party of her own with the ponies.

‘More tea, Maisie? Yes, thanks, Pinky. I’ll have a scone and jam and chips and popcorn, thank you.’

‘Right. What’s up?’ he asked. He looked tired, he was pale and had a five o’clock shadow. He had been very busy, even busier since the opening.

‘Well, I’m being harassed by a mum at school. She’s saying that all girls but two go to dance classes on a Saturday morning, one of them being Maisie. She says that Maisie is missing out, that I should take her. But I know that the two of you enjoy your family time at the weekend, and I’m not sure if you want to miss out on that.’

‘I never knew about the dance classes … I can’t ask you to do that as well. I’ll take her. Though it’ll be horrific.’ He smiled, a twinkle in his eye.

‘It
will
be. I’d be dreading it myself, it must be a stronghold of the mummy mafia.’

He laughed, a deep, wholehearted laugh.

‘The mummy mafia?’

‘You probably never noticed. Men don’t notice these things.’