Watch Over Me (21 page)

‘YOU TAKE IT BACK!’

It
was
Shona! She jumped down from the train – literally, she jumped – and grabbed Gail by the sleeve.

‘TAKE IT BACK!’

It couldn’t be Shona. It must have been her evil twin.

‘Fine, fine, I take it back! You’re crazy!’

‘Don’t you dare ever, EVER go near my brother AGAIN, understood?’ she growled, with a voice straight out of
The Exorcist
.

But Helena and Gail were gone, clearly terrified.

I saw a guy in a uniform looking at us, a ticket controller or something. ‘It’s ok, we’re fine, thanks!’ I waved at him, smiling nervously. ‘Come on, Shona …’

‘Jesus.’
The Exorcist
voice again. ‘She’s out of control, that one!’

Ehm, ok.
Gail
is out of control.

We found seats on the train and I took a deep breath. ‘Shona! What possessed you? I’ve never seen you like this!’

‘Eilidh … you’re like a sister to me,’ she said and her eyes welled up. She was behaving like she was in an opera. I fully expected her to start belting out an aria and wrap herself around red velvet curtains with roses in her hands. ‘I can’t stand that NASTY BITCH talking to you like that.’

‘Shhhhh … Shona! What’s wrong with you!’

‘Why? What?’ she said. ‘What’s wrong? Nothing’s wrong. It’s the hormones. I get a bit emotional when I’m pregnant, nothing to worry about.’

‘You’re pregnant?’ I whispered, flabbergasted.

Her face fell.

‘Oh. Oh, I didn’t think …’ She took my hands. ‘I’m sorry … I don’t want to upset you … with all you’ve been through …’

‘Don’t be silly! Come here!’ I smiled and hugged her. I couldn’t go through my life in envy and bitterness. ‘It’s wonderful news!’

‘Yeah, well, unexpected really.’

‘How far on are you?’

‘Four months.’

‘That’s great. You need to watch your temper, though – you were possessed. I’m quite scared of you now.’

‘Yes, I know. Fraser lives in terror. If I’m not shouting, I’m crying. Everybody is tiptoeing around me. Well, it’s the least they could do. It’s me going through HELL for nine months! Choccie?’ she added, handing me a huge Mars Bar.

‘Er, no thanks. Goodness, if you eat that amount of chocolate for all nine months, you’ll give birth to a Mars Bar. Not to be insensitive or anything …’

‘It’s all I can keep down. I throw up everything else. I’ve actually lost weight, believe it or not. If Fraser says to me again, “So when is the glowing stage?” I’ll thump him.’

‘Yes, I do believe you will. Oh, Shona. You’re so lucky. Four children …’ I felt a tiny wee bit sad. I tried not to but I did.

‘Yes, I
am
lucky,’ she said and patted her tummy in a gesture that broke my heart.

‘So, what were you doing in Aberdeen? I mean, before you met those two harpies?’

‘Christmas shopping. Got something for Maisie, as well. Look.’

I opened the Accessorize bag, carefully undid the pink tissue paper, and showed her the silver necklace.

‘It’s gorgeous … Oh, Eilidh, she’ll miss you so much when she’s in Australia.’

‘So will I.’

‘I hope you don’t mind me saying this but … you know you could stop him, if you wanted to …’

‘I know. I know. But I just … It’s complicated.’

‘I know, you’ve got a lot to sort out.’

‘I do. Yes. But even after it’s all sorted out. Well, it’s still me. And I can’t …’

‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have brought it up. Don’t get upset.’

‘Yes, well. I just wish people would stop talking about Jamie and me.’

‘This is Glen Avich, it’s impossible to make people stop gossiping. They also talked about Silke and Jamie.’

‘I heard that. But it’s not true.’

‘I know.’

‘You know?’

‘Yes.’ We looked at each other, mute, in loyalty to Silke and her secret.

‘So …’ I said quickly, changing the subject. ‘What will you do for Christmas?’

‘Christmas is in my house this year. Jamie and Maisie are coming up, and Fraser’s family.’

‘Goodness! That’s an awful lot of cooking!’

‘You’re welcome to join us.’

‘Thanks but I’m staying with Peggy. I can’t be bothered going down to England and her daughters can’t make it back from Canada, so …’

‘And Hogmanay?’

‘Harry and Doug are coming up. We’re having a party in Silke’s house – the people she’s staying with are going away.’

‘Sounds good. If I manage to arrange something for the girls, Fraser and I could come, too, if that’s ok?’

‘I’m sure it is, Silke would be delighted.’

‘Well, it was lovely to catch you,’ she said, as we alighted the train and stood on the platform, the sky darkening behind us. ‘Sorry for not returning your call before. Went through a bit of a rough patch with this … news, you know …’ She touched her tummy again.

‘It’s ok, it’s all sorted anyway. See you soon.’ I hugged her and breathed in her lovely, fresh Shona scent – of clean hair and soap.

That night, I dreamt I was pregnant. I dreamt I was having a boy. I woke up in the middle of the night, a rush of happiness invading me, then leaving me, ebbing away like the tide. It was just a dream.

There was no baby. It was still just me.

I’ve always loved Shona’s house – warm, welcoming, full of noise and full of life.

From the outside, her family life looks chaotic, with three wee girls running around, stray clothes and toys all over the place, a flurry of school runs, dance lessons, swimming, trips to the dentist’s and birthday parties to attend. A day with them would make your head spin. But if you look carefully, you’d notice that everything runs like clockwork, that underneath the apparent chaos, there’s a strict routine. In the mornings, everybody’s up and ready by half eight, the girls themselves having cleaned the kitchen from breakfast debris. Every evening, it’s homework, chores, dinner, bath and then getting ready for the next day, laying out uniforms and sports kits. The girls have phased bedtimes, so that Alison gets a bit of time alone with her mum and dad, being the eldest. Then lights off, no getting out of bed allowed. My sister is a bit … how can I put it? Bossy, to say the least.

The weekends are just as organised, with classes and clubs on a Saturday and family time on a Sunday. Sunday afternoon, in particular, is sacred: the girls play, draw or watch DVDs in the living room and Fraser spends time with them all, while Shona catches up with her ironing. It’s lovely to join them on these afternoons – to sit on the sofa with the girls at our feet, the familiar smell of the rose-scented ironing water, the gentle chat intermitted with the puffs of steam from Shona’s iron. It’s like … well, it’s like being home – just like the home I knew when I was a wee boy.

Whenever Maisie and I go and stay for the weekend, we slot comfortably into the routine, happy to be bossed around in exchange for the sense of security and peace. And of being mothered, which we both miss, in different ways.

One weekend, Eilidh came up with us for the day. On the way back, in the car, she was very quiet.

‘Did you enjoy today?’

‘Very much. It was lovely. Actually, it made me think.’

‘Of what?’

‘It made me think of my own family.’

‘Of course. You must miss them.’

‘No, that’s not what I meant.’ A pause, as she was gathering her thoughts.

‘It made me think how little peace there was in my own family. Always some … conflict going on, in one way or another. I can’t remember a single day like the one we had today. It keeps … surprising me. You know, when I see the way some families live – like Shona’s, like yours when we were little. The sense of … harmony.’ She was looking for the right words. ‘It’s difficult to explain. For us, Christmases, birthdays, all occasions, really, were always such a strain.’

‘I remember. I mean, I remember your mum always being quite hard on you.’

‘Yes.’ She seemed lost in thought. ‘The funny thing is, they don’t seem to
like
me much. My parents and my sister. I’m not sure why. When I was a wee girl, I used to wonder, am I really so unlikeable?’ She spoke matter-of-factly, as if she had accepted it.

‘Oh, Eilidh … That’s awful.’

‘Yes. It was. It is. With my gran around, things were ok for a few years. When we went back to England … I couldn’t wait to get away, to go and live on my own.’

‘Did you live on your own as a student?’

‘Well, I shared a flat with Harry after we left school at seventeen. That was good.’ She smiled at the recollection. ‘But I always felt I had to … I don’t know, look after my parents. I felt terribly guilty for leaving home. I would have gone back probably, had I not met Tom.’

I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want her to feel I was being inquisitive, or prying, although I was dying to know more about her husband.

‘You see, Tom is a very kind, gentle man. Never raised his voice, never put me down. It was such a relief, after years of being everybody’s favourite whipping boy.’

‘Are you … are you in touch now?’ I felt like the words were choking me.

‘We’ve only spoken once since I left him. He’s living with his new … his new partner.’

‘I’m sorry.’

‘No, it’s ok. Really, it is.’ I looked at her as she said that. Again, she looked as if she had accepted it. ‘I haven’t had feelings for him for a long time.’

‘Are you not angry at all? I mean, he cheated on you …’

‘I am, I am absolutely furious … But I hope there’s happiness in store for both of us, though it seems quite … quite impossible now. No point in wishing him misery, we’ve had enough of that. Our marriage was sort of … empty. It was truly finished by the time he started seeing that girl.’

She was looking out of the window, her lovely profile silhouetted against the darkening sky. Once more, I wished I could hold her. All that talk about misery, all those things she said about her family, I wanted it all to go away, I wanted her to be happy.

But it wasn’t for me to do that, it wasn’t me she wanted.

Maybe Australia will help. Maybe it’ll take her out of my heart, out of my soul. Maybe when I come back, I’ll be free. She said that when we return, she might not be here.

A world without Eilidh.

We managed before, we’ll manage after, Maisie and me.

‘Look, oh look, the moon, it’s so white tonight! It’s really,
really
beautiful!’ She was smiling, enraptured. Beauty makes her happy, it seeps deep into her in a way I’ve never seen with anyone else.

‘
Really, really, so, so beautiful
.’ I smiled. When she gets excited, she sounds like a wee girl. The moon is so, so beautiful and she is so, so … Eilidh. My Eilidh.

Christmas day. We were all sitting around Shona’s table, Fraser’s parents and brother there as well, and his brother’s wife and son. Everywhere I turned, there was something shiny and glittery hung up by Shona and the girls. A lovely smell of roast goose and cloves and oranges filled the air.

Fraser stood up with a glass of champagne in his hand.

‘Well, I suppose some of you know already …’

‘I know!’ Alison piped up.

‘Know what?’ said Kirsty.

‘Mummy’s going to have a baby!’

Delighted
oooooohs
rose from all around the table, a flurry of congratulations and handshakes and hugs.

‘Mummy has a baby in her tummy?’ said Kirsty, just to make sure.

‘She does and I knew it before anyone else!’ Alison answered proudly.

Shona took Kirsty on her lap and stroked her hair away from her face.

Everybody was smiling, everybody was happy. Maisie was chattering excitedly with her cousins. She was so pretty, so sweet in her blue pinafore, cream tights and shiny black ballerinas, her hair in a French plait expertly done by her auntie.

To think of sitting here on my own, how … impossible it would be. Maisie is my own wee family inside the family.

When we were having pudding, her little hand slipped into mine as Fraser, dressed as Santa, made his entrance.

‘Is there a Maisie here?’ he boomed.

‘I’m here,’ Maisie said in a wee voice, all solemn.

‘Here, Santa, here she is, my daughter,’ I said proudly. Don’t know why. It just came out. Daughter. I tasted the word, I savoured it.

Shona laughed. I realised it was a bit of a strange thing to say. I blushed, and I was quiet for a while after that.

Peggy looked delighted as her eyes swept the table, her cheeks flushed from the fire and the cheeky sherry she and Margaret had after church.

‘Eilidh cooked it all, apart from the trifle but that was quick and easy really, she did all the hard work.’