Watershed (32 page)

The further south we went, the harder it got, the days scorching, the nights freezing. Without the steeper hills and deeper valleys the terrain was easier to traverse, but the lack of trees, at first a blessing, became a curse also – shelter from the wind and the sun difficult to find, and everything sooted and black, crisped by old fires. My leg hampered me for the first couple of nights, until I was able to settle into the pain and push it aside. But that wasn't the worst of it. The closer we got to the Citadel, the more on edge we became, snarling and snapping at each other, counting down every step. Of all of us, only Alex continued to remain relaxed, almost remote, removed from her surroundings and the horror that awaited her. And so it was she who, with a look or a touch, calmed tempers and halted arguments. It was she who, with a shake of her head, stopped me from punching Ballard when he suggested we turn east and find the road. It was she who spent hours with her brother and Tate, comforting and encouraging them, saying her farewells. It was she who, every morning when I removed the gag so she could rest more comfortably, would say her thanks before curling up beside me. It was she who was stronger than any of us, showing how it was done and how it must be.

Despite my misgivings, there were no more tails, no Watchmen waiting to waylay us. At least, none I was able to detect. Garrick had tried and failed, and he'd have to rely on the lies I fed him when I returned. But I still didn't remove Alex's ties. I'd lasted this long because I was careful, and to change that, at a time when care was most needed, could be my undoing. I kept her close to me, only allowing her space to spend time with her brother. But I never kissed her again, or held her, or comforted her. Until the final morning when she pressed against me for warmth, burrowing under my arm. Instinctively I clasped her to me, folding her into my body, sighing against her head, and we slept beneath the shelter of my cloak, just as we had all those weeks earlier on the outwards journey.

I woke to find Ballard shaking me and, cursing, I rolled away from Alex, draping my cloak back over her before following him to the edge of the escarpment. Below us, the plain stretched to the Sea, salted white and hazed with dust. To the west squatted the Citadel, looking bigger than it was, rearing from the land, misshapen and grey. Beneath the shadow of the cliffs, along the east road, which we'd join that night, meandered a slow camel train, bringing in supplies from the Hills. Others, bearing messages – news good and bad – hurried back and forth, passing footsore travellers and scattering the goats being herded in for slaughter. And further out, beyond the land, jutting from the Sea in broken towers of rusted steel and jagged glass, swam the old city, the sky above it dark with wheeling birds. Not the city my grandparents had lived in, but another just like it. Little islands and outcrops lay between it and the shore, remnants of old suburbs and outlying districts that'd been built on higher ground, all of them derelict now, rotted by salt and wind and battered by the restless water. I'd passed the city when I'd been on the Catcher years ago, and even I had marvelled at its haunting beauty. From here, the few remaining towers glittered under the sun: a promise, a mirage. A ghost.

Ballard followed my gaze, guessing at my thoughts. ‘It's hard to imagine how it must've looked. Before the Sea rose. Roads, trains, cars. All those lights, and buildings and skyscrapers. What we can see is only a fraction of what's there. The Citadel's nothing in comparison.'

‘Maybe. But it's all we have.' And hadn't there been too many cars, too many lights and buildings, too many people using too few resources? Hadn't that been part of the problem? At least, that's what my grandparents had told me. But maybe this was part of his plan too, to recreate what had been, to wind back the clock and have us all share the fantasy.

‘Do you ever wonder what's out there?' he asked. ‘Past the old city, beyond the rain?'

‘No.'

‘I do,' he said, refusing to let me piss on his dream. ‘Every day I think about it.'

‘Then by all means, go and find out. No one's stopping you.'

‘That's where you're wrong, Jem. I have no idea how to build a ship. Do you? Does anyone any more? That knowledge is held in the Tower. The only ships we have are the Catchers, and they're needed.' He gave a long sigh. ‘But one day.'

‘You know, as much as I wish that were true – that you'll just bugger off and leave the rest of us in peace – I'm gunna save you the effort. Nothing's out there, Ballard. Fuck all. If there were, they would've come looking by now. So why don't you save all your bleating and whining for someone who gives a shit?'

He glared at me. ‘Maybe they haven't come looking because they're trapped, just like us.'

‘Or maybe they just don't give a fuck,' I replied. ‘You ever think of that? Not all of us dream of a better world, Ballard. We're too busy trying to survive in this one.' I shifted on my bad leg, relieving the ache. ‘Is this what you woke me for? To make me listen to this?'

He opened his mouth to retort, then shook his head. ‘No, actually. I wanted to thank you, Jem. For getting us here safely. For joining us and trusting me –'

‘I don't trust you. Not one bit. But I trust Alex. That's all you need to know.'

He frowned then. ‘She's married, Jem. And she loves her husband. I've been watching, and you keeping her close, keeping her to yourself? It won't change anything.'

So this was the real reason he'd woken me: not to dream, but to lecture.

‘I'm not trying to change anything. But what she's doing – the sacrifice she's making – that deserves more than any of you are giving her. I'm the one who has to hand her over, Ballard. Not you, or that husband she loves so much. Me. And when it's over, I'll be the one having to rescue her too. Shit, I'll even return her to Cade, if that's what she wants. You have my word.'

‘That's not your job. We agreed you'd stay with Thatcher –'

‘No!' I cut in. ‘
You
agreed. I won't leave Alex for one second longer than she needs to be there. And I can't believe you'd even think of doing otherwise.'

He sighed. ‘I have no intention of letting Alex suffer more than she needs –'

‘
Needs
? She doesn't need to suffer at all! Not if you all let me do this my way.'

‘Your way isn't possible. Nor is it your decision.'

‘And it's not yours either, or Cade's,' I said, echoing Tate's words to me, wiser than anything Ballard had ever said.

He turned back to stare at the Sea, and it was a while before he spoke. While I waited I thought longingly of the woman still lying beneath my cloak.

‘What's Alex told you about Cade?' he finally asked.

‘Absolutely nothing. And that tells me plenty.'

‘I can see why you'd think that. But there's something you need to know, Jem,' he said, with a level stare, his eyes even paler in the sunlight. ‘This whole movement, overthrowing the Council, getting rid of the Watch and the Guard? It's Cade's doing, not mine. He's the one in charge. He's the one you'll answer to. And he's the reason Alex is doing this.'

It took me a while to find my voice. ‘You
prick
. This is exactly why I don't trust you.'

He ignored that, looking out across the land and it was anyone's guess what he saw. ‘I met him when I moved to the settlement. Both of us young and angry; both of us disillusioned. It started the way these things always start, Jem, with talk. Lots and lots of talk, long into every night –'

‘Bet that made you real happy,' I muttered, and saw his quick frown.

‘– and at first that's all it was. Just talk. But then he began to plan, to turn our dreams into reality. Alex would sit with us, grew up listening to every word. And like the rest of us, she fell under his spell. There was never any question she'd end up marrying him. The only thing she refused to follow was his beliefs.'

‘Funny that. He doesn't seem to have any problem following hers,' I said.

‘You really have no idea, do you?'

‘I'm beginning to –'

‘No. So just listen. What Alex has chosen to do was Cade's idea. Oh, I don't think he ever intended for it to be Alex, but when we were planning to recruit a Watchman and we realised we'd have to find a way around Garrick's nasty little habit, she took it on and made it her own. Refused to let us use anyone else.'

You know what to do.

Fuck!
I bowed my head, fighting the nausea, and began pacing, wheeling away then turning back with bunched fists, wanting to flatten him. ‘You make me fucking sick. All of you.'

‘I tried to stop it by getting rid of Garrick,' he said. ‘More than once. But we never succeeded, and she kept insisting on going through with it. Then she spent that night with you, and it's complicated everything. We can't have complications, Jem. Not now. Not when we're so close.'

Hadn't Alex told me the same thing?
Don't complicate this.
But we were way past that. As far as I could see, things couldn't be less straightforward.

‘Well I'm real sorry if our screwing has upset your little plan,' I said. ‘You know, when Alex first mentioned you she told me you were a good man. But you're not, are you? You're just another fucking cunt. Alex wouldn't know a good man if she fell over one.'

‘Coming from you, that's somehow still a compliment,' he said. ‘Tell me, Jem. When you were whispering sweet nothings in her ear that night, did you tell her everything you've done? Or don't you want her to know the sort of person you really are?' At my silence, his voice hardened with contempt. ‘No, I didn't think so.'

I fought down my anger, swallowed the dismay, tasted the bitterness. The easiest thing would be to betray them all. Return to the compound, report everything to Garrick, be done with it and hope for the best. Except now I had to think about more than just myself. I had to think about Alex.

‘I've changed my mind, Ballard. When this is over, I won't be returning Alex to anyone. You don't fucking deserve her. None of you do.'

And turning my back on him, I left him standing on the edge of the world, overlord to nothing.

Ballard clasped Cade's arm, relieved. ‘It's good to see you again.'

‘You too,' Cade said, and then ruined it. ‘Praise be, God has delivered you safely.'

No, arsehole. That'd be me.

I watched him greet Tate in the same way, listened to their brief exchange. I'd forgotten how tall he was. He was with two others, all three of them uniformed, but he stood out, shiny and stiff, and older than I remembered. I couldn't see what Alex saw, couldn't picture him with her, couldn't imagine him unbending enough to kiss her where she needed to be kissed, or fuck her the way she liked to be fucked.

‘Any problems?' he asked Ballard.

‘Only one.' Ballard mentioned Jackson, omitting the details because he didn't know them, and Cade frowned before turning to me, a frown that deepened more when he finally looked at his wife and took in the rope and filthy gag now hanging around her neck.

‘Is that really necessary?' he demanded, moving towards us, and I tightened my hold on the rope.

‘I was told to make it authentic, so yeah, it is,' I said.

‘Jem, don't,' Alex said, her hand on my arm, gently squeezing.

But I ignored her, and when Cade took another step, said, ‘That's close enough. We're out in the open and too near the Citadel. Anyone could be watching.'

He made a show of glancing up and down the empty road. ‘I think it's safe.'

‘It's never safe,' I replied, and again he frowned.

‘I see you managed to work out what you needed to know without my help,' he said. So, he remembered too.

‘Enough to last a lifetime,' I replied.

He smiled suddenly. ‘And did you find the hard way to your liking?'

The others were watching us, Alex a little confused, Ballard with growing anger and Tate, resigned. I'd resolved, despite Ballard's confession that morning, to stand down; let the others do their thing and give Alex time with her husband before taking her on to the compound. I'd decided, magnanimously, I thought, to be the bigger man. For her sake. And because doing anything less
would achieve nothing. But now Cade was in front of me, declaring his god and brandishing his arrogance, I was forced to ditch every good intention in favour of pettiness.

‘Very much,' I told him. ‘Your wife was real helpful.'

‘Jem,' Alex insisted, tugging on the rope. ‘Let me go.'

‘Remember your place, Watchman,' Cade said, that smile of his dimming a little, his mouth tightening to a grim line.

After a couple of beats, I passed her the rope and stood back. Maybe Tate was wrong, or at least not all right. Or maybe I'd just misunderstood. Maybe when one person cherishes another, there's a bond stronger than any rope. Maybe Alex did belong to her husband after all, and it was Cade's right to stake his claim. I didn't know. I'd never had that chance. But in that moment, seeing the quick gleam in his eyes, and his bitterness, I knew he understood what Alex and I had done. And knowing it didn't give me the pleasure I'd thought it would.