We Shouldn't and Yet... (15 page)

I blow on both wet nipples and I watch closely as her skin pebbles. A shiver shakes her. “You’re fucking hot. You know that?’’

I tug down her sweatpants and want to yell ‘fuck yeah’ when I see she’s wearing no panties. The pants fall at our feet and she’s naked, displayed for my greedy eyes. She’s wet, arching up to me and her eyes are saying what she’s not letting herself voice. She wants me to fuck her hard. She wants me bad, just as bad as I want her.

“You make me believe it,’’ she pants and I feel the vibrations of her words under my palm. Blindly, she searches for the button of my jeans. She locates it and immediately opens my jeans and brings the zipper down. She pushes them down with my briefs and takes my hard cock in her hands. She squeezes my base and moves up. At my tip, she brushes me with a finger. I’m ready to come with one touch from her. It’s almost embarrassing.

I moan and my eyes roll back in my head. I move my hips, urging her on. I massage her breast and still keep her restrained with my hand on her throat. I let her explore my cock, but when she sneaks her other hand to my balls and plays with them, touching me just right to the point of almost making my knees buckle under me, I push her hands away, snatch my wallet from my pants which have rested mid-thigh and grab the last condom I have on me. With my teeth, I open it and roll it on my dick.

Her eyes don’t leave me. They watch me touching my cock and then taking a hold of her knees I push her legs upward and over my forearms, resting in the cradle of my elbows. “Hold on, beautiful.’’

As soon as I feel her hands on my shoulders, I thrust inside her in one deep move, sheathing myself in her quivering pussy. I groan and stop moving. Fuck. She’s as tight as I remember. She squeezes my dick and it’s heavenly. I have to fight off the need to move, to fuck the hell out of her. When her nails stop digging in my skin, I pull almost completely out, reveling in the feeling of her pussy trying to hold me in. When my tip is almost out, I thrust back in balls deep and put my hand back on her throat as she bucks against me, arching up. I feel her moan against my palm as my ears are buzzing, my blood soaring. I watch her breasts move in time with my every thrust and I crave those little pebbles in my mouth, but I can’t stop fucking her harder, faster. I don’t feel it when my knees bang again and again against the counter. I don’t feel it when her nails start breaking my skin. I only feel my cock tightly held by her pussy, the way my balls slap against her ass, the ways her thighs start to shake and her walls quiver around my cock.

I push her legs open wider and I go deeper, and this time I hear her moan, loud, as I hit her g-spot. Fucking perfect. I look down and watch my dick coming out of her wet heat. It’s glistening, red and when I piston back into her, I groan louder as her pussy parts and more of her juices run down my balls to the top of my thighs. She’s drenched and so fucking close.

I tighten my hold on her throat and piston harder and faster and that’s it. Her pussy squeezes my dick to almost pain, taking everything as she bucks harder and arches up in a loud shrill moan and I follow her over the fucking edge. I growl her name and lightly bite her shoulder. I see stars behind my eyelids and I can’t stop moving my hips. I go harder, milking both of us until I can’t take it anymore and fall over her on the counter. I’m still inside her, finally softening. I’m breathing hard and in time with her. The sweat coating our bodies gives me a chill. After what feels like a long an eternity, but is probably just seconds, I open my eyes and look at her.

She’s already looking at me with an emotion I can’t place. No, it’s an emotion I can place, but can’t face. Strands of hair are sticking to her sweaty flushed face. Her mouth is open, her lips swollen. For once, there’s no worried lines on her face, no real sadness either. She’s breathtaking.

I push up on my trembling arms and pull out of her, making quick work of the condom and discarding it in the dustbin. I’m shaking all over, my muscles protesting at my every move. I’m wiped out. Behind me, I hear her move and fall back to her feet before she starts gathering her clothes.

I turn around and find her shrugging on her top. Her pants are already on and she’s put my clothes on the counter a few inches from me. She’s not avoiding my gaze. She’s not acting shy either. I don’t really know what to make of her reaction and most of all, her silence. The quietness, while a relief for my still aching head, is quite disarming.

I put on my briefs and jeans, but keep my shirt in my left hand. I’m still too hot and sweaty to put it on. I run a hand along my jaw, cringing at the feel of my thick beard and take a step toward Aideen.

“Did I—Did I hurt you or…?’’ I ask with a thick voice. I grit my teeth at listening to myself. I sound like a pussy.
Shit, man up, fucker.

“Of course not.’’ She sidesteps me and sips her coffee. Just like that. Her hand is steady, her breathing too and her body language is showing that she’s cool.

I’m glad that her back is to me, because I’m pretty sure I make a face at her. I’m used to women taking sex lightly, used to women yelling at me for not giving two shits, I’m also used to tears, but this is a new one. This sweet girl who’s not one to have sex without being in a relationship is actually treating this as nothing more than a normal occurrence. I’m the one unable to do so. I can’t. She’s rocked my world twice and that second time was more intense than the first one. She’s consumed me and I’m not so sure the same can be said for her. For the first time in over two decades I’m worried about my performance. What the fuck is this?

“Uh…Do you want to talk about it?’’ I quickly put on my shirt and tug it down my chest as I reach the other side of the counter where my half eaten bacon, now cold, is still on my plate. I sit on the stool and actually sigh. I’m beat.

“There’s not much to say. You wanted to prove something, we were both horny and it’s obvious we’re quite compatible when it comes to sex. We got carried away.’’ She shrugs and smiles at me, but it doesn’t reach her big hazel eyes.

“You know it’s more than that, Aideen.’’

She frowns at me, a clear warning in her eyes. She really doesn’t know me if she thinks it’s going to stop me. “No, it’s nothing more.’’

“You’re dead wrong, beautiful,’’ I retort and watch her tremble at my pet name for her. “Being horny isn’t a strong enough word for how I feel about you.. I’m horny for you and only you. Give me five more minutes and I bet I could take you again. I’m not trying to escape anything with you, and it’s been years since I’ve last had sex because I truly wanted it and not because I wanted a reprieve from all my shit. Now be honest, if not with me with yourself.’’

“You want the truth?’’ She puts her palms on the counter and leans over it, getting closer to my face. There’s a storm in her eyes and I’m mesmerized. “I spend every minute, every second, every breath escaping an event from my past, but you’re the only exception because when I’m with you I don’t have to make an effort to escape anything. It could be a good thing if you weren’t the bad kind of good things. This is messed up and I don’t know how to deal with it, this and you. So, I’d much prefer to keep you in my fantasies instead of in my real life. We shouldn’t have slept together and you were right when you said that it needs to stop. It’s too soon for me to be with someone and you’re not the kind of man to stay interested for any length of time. And you’re a lot older than I am. Go back to that woman you were seeing and I’ll go on a date with Wesley. Then, things will go back to normal.’’

I bring my face closer to hers, our noses almost touching as the counter acts as a buffer between our bodies. “You’re not going on a date with Wesley.’’ And fuck if I can’t stay interested in her. I’ve never been so interested in my fucking life. These obstacles are laughable.

“I will do what I want, Jensen.’’

“I won’t share you.’’

“You won’t because we’re not together and I’m certainly not yours.’’

I grit my teeth and bang my clenched fist down on the top of the counter. “Are you sure of that? When I was inside you it felt like you were mine, like you surrendered to me, Aideen. Wesley won’t give you what you want, what you need.’’

She laughs at me, the sound harsh to my ears. “Please, you’re not the only one able to bring me to orgasm.’’

A flash of her and Wesley fucking comes to my mind and I almost growl angrily. It’s not gonna happen, not as long as I’m around. I want this girl and I’m not going to let the pretty football coach get in my way. I fucked up when I let myself lose control and sleep with her knowing what she means to my son, but it’s too fucking late now. I can’t go back. Hal doesn’t know and for all I know Aideen and I won’t last beyond a few short months of fucking our brains out. He doesn’t have to know. At least, that’s what I keep telling myself to alleviate some of my guilt. But that guilt isn’t strong enough to hold me back. I definitely don’t have a paternal fiber.

“That’s not what I mean, Aideen. I’m the one who’s making your blood race through your veins, I’m the one you get drenched just looking at, I’m the one you fantasize about. Not Wesley. You. Want. Me.’’

“We don’t always get what we want and we shouldn’t. I can’t go behind Hal’s back and there’s stuff from my past that I can’t forget and it’s all getting in the way. It was great, Jensen, but that’s all. Now finish your coffee and go.’’

I grab the nape of her neck and nip at her lower lip. Nothing more. “You want me to go? Fine, I’m going, but I’ll be back, Aideen. I’ll be back, I’m going to fuck you good again and I’m not going to stop until you say you’re mine. Then and only then, am I going to calm the fuck down. You’re in my blood and I can’t turn that shit off.’’

I release her, grab my wallet from the counter and walk out slowly still feeling the after effects of the most intense and wildest orgasm of my life. I’m not backing down from this, not when I finally feel more alive and happier than I’ve felt in years. Even the guilt isn’t putting much of a dent in this. Nothing can and nothing will.

AIDEEN

What was that?

I walk to the couch and fall on it, cringing when I feel how sore I am, but it’s the good kind of sore. Though, it comes from another bad decision. I put my head in my hands and consider grabbing one of the small pillows next to me and screaming into it.

I don’t know what that man is doing to my brain cells, but it’s not looking good. With Yann, physical relationships were complex and even though our emotional connection ran deep, I’ve never felt so out of control with him. The sex was rather good, but it wasn’t wild and unrestrained. In fact, with Yann I was often the one asking for it and for a while I didn’t understand why. Now I know for sure and my doubts are put to the ground, but still. It feels so different. It’s frightening in a way, but I also hate myself. It’s way too soon. I shouldn’t be having sex with someone else already, should I? In a way, I’m afraid of letting go of Yann. And Hal! Damn it, I’m sure Hal is going to hate his father and me.

My cell phone interrupts my thoughts and I’m thankful for it. I check the caller ID and smile when I see it’s from home. “Hello.’’

“Hi, honey. How are you?’’ My mother asks, her voice more cheerful than usual. It lifts my spirits immediately and a smile breaks free on my gloomy face.

“I’m good. Work’s been intense and interesting.’’

“That’s good. I’m…I’m glad that you’re happy over there.’’ The hesitation actually makes me laugh and I pull the phone away for a few seconds to muffle my laugh. I don’t want her to know I’m onto her white lie. She’d rather I be a little bit miserable and think about coming back to her.

“And you, how are you doing?’’

She sighs and I hear her move around, probably in the kitchen if I believe the sound of dishes being moved around. “Some days are better than others. Today is a good day, but it’d be better if you were here.’’

“That’s good to hear, Mom. And I’ll try to come home next weekend.’’

“That’s fine, honey. Your father actually asked me not to try and guilt you into visiting us just yet. I’m supposed to wait for a month at least.’’ She sadly chuckles in the phone. It’s not her normal laugh, but it’s a first step. No more than a few days ago she wouldn’t have been able to muster up a laugh or a smile.

“Where’s Dad?’’

“He’s out mowing the lawn. He got it into his head that he needed to do it this morning before the heat comes and apparently we’re expecting rain tonight so he won’t be able to use his machine tomorrow. You know how he is with his tools.’’

I smile fondly down the phone, suddenly hit with the first wave of nostalgia since I’ve left. I actually miss home. I miss some things from home. “He’s a man.’’