We Shouldn't and Yet... (12 page)

“Where do you get that?’’

“You’re in your late thirties, single, have never been married and you’re handsome. And of course there’s a certain Claire? Or is it Carly?’’

“Cassie,’’ I mutter, annoyed when I shouldn’t be.

“Yes, Cassie. From what I’ve heard she’s more of a regular, but still not a girlfriend because you don’t do those. If you’re afraid I’m going to, I don’t know, cling onto you, I’m telling you now; I won’t.’’

“That’s not even the point, and to be honest Cassie is using me just like I’m using her. A girl like you has meaningful sex, I have sex to forget things. That’s what I do, that’s what I’m good at.’’

She sits up, her back pressed to the headboard. “I needed to forget things too. Don’t think you have the monopoly on angst, Jensen. I wanted it as much as you did and that’s all. Now grab your clothes and go home.’’

“Look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t regret what we did.’’ She doesn’t move, her eyes resolutely fixed on my hand supporting me. “Come on, look at me!’’

She turns her face to me, eyes hard like I’ve never thought possible and it fucking pains me to see that look on her. “Happy?’’

I shake my head, scoffing. “No. I’m far from happy.’’

“You should go, Jensen.’’

I nod and grab my pants at my feet and pull them on in a jerky movement before sitting back on the bed to put on my socks and beaten biker boots. “There’s a lot of things I should have done and didn’t.’’

“And there’s a lot of things we shouldn’t have done yet did, right?’’

She’s trying to rile me up, to push me into saying things I don’t want to say. But I sure am thinking them at this very moment, yet I’m not truly feeling them. That’s pretty messed up and while I’m used to messing up, here it’s entirely different and I’m out of my depth. I hope Hal never hears of this. Fuck, I
really
hope he never hears of what happened here. My hands shake so bad as I lace my boots that I stop.

“All I’m saying is that you deserve more than this.’’ I stand up, put on my shirt and walk out her door without a look back when all I want is one fucking last look at her on her bed. And it’s funny really, because it feels like I’m leaving something behind in that bedroom with Aideen and I don’t know what the fuck it is.

I run down the flight of stairs, ignoring the shouting ache in my shoulder or the way my head is starting to throb with a migraine. I stop at the line of mailboxes in the hall, snatch my helmet from on top of them and walk out to my bike. I put my helmet on, turn on my bike and when it comes to life, I make it roar. I feel it vibrate between my legs. I take off at breakneck speed and give the finger to a man honking at me when I fly past his car. It’s dangerous, I shouldn’t be doing it but apparently that’s a pattern I enjoy today, so why break the habit now?

I hesitate going straight home or taking a ride on my bike to calm myself down, but in the end the ache in my shoulder and head is getting too much to handle when sober. Home it is. I turn in my quiet street and slow down. I don’t want to risk hitting a kid playing at the curb with my reckless driving.

The lower level of the house is lit up and Hal’s car is parked at the curb. I can’t escape him, yet I really want to. I’ve never been a coward in my life, but right now with me smelling like his girl, my clothes crinkled and my mind fucked, I really want to hightail it out of there and avoid him. At least until I wash her off me.

It’s too late now, though. With the noise my bike makes, it’s impossible to miss me. I park my bike, take off my helmet and hold it under my arm as I walk slowly to the front door. I move towards the house as if I have lead attached to my ankles. That’s how hard walking is while my mind is still partially in bed with Aideen.

I stride in and the first thing I see are the empty beer bottles on the coffee table and the tequila, the same one I started last night. I look around and catch a glimpse of Hal’s body on the couch under the plaid blanket usually covering the old and ugly fabric of the couch. He’s snoring like a train wreck and finally real guilt hits me.

While I was eating Aideen’s pussy and putting my dick balls deep inside her, my son was getting drunk because of his fight with her. I was fucking his girl and loving the hell out of it while he was torturing himself about the fight they had.

I don’t know what I hate the most; the fact I fucked Aideen, or the fact that I would do it again in a heartbeat if I could.

Yeah, I’m father of the year.

***

AIDEEN

Showered and back on the couch, I’m trying to watch a re-run of Gilmore Girls, but I can’t focus. Jensen left almost two hours ago and I’m still stuck in my bed with him in a way. Everywhere in my body I feel what happened between us and I ache in places I’ve never ached before. He’s made me feel things I’ve never felt before.

Maybe I should feel guilty for sleeping with my best friend’s father, for forgetting Yann already, but a part of me can’t fully process guilt. I was able to forget everything for a little while and I’m thankful for it even though I now mostly feel like crap. Being selfish for once felt good in a way I never knew it could.

And yet, I can’t help the few tears falling down my face every few minutes or the knots tying my stomach. When I was with Jensen I felt a connection with him like nothing I’ve ever known and now I’m afraid it’s gone. This,
this,
I regret.

AIDEEN

It’s been days since I’ve last seen Hal or Jensen. I’m not surprised that Jensen has been MIA after our last talk and the way he reacted after we had sex, but I’m more subdued when it comes to Hal. But if I’m honest with myself, Jensen is never far from my mind either. I just pretend to myself I don’t really care.

Hal and I, we’ve never had a fight since we met a year or so ago. Even when we have a disagreement we just drop it and move on. But this time around, he reacted violently, rocking the boat without apology and I don’t know what to make of it. I know he hates it when I don’t talk about where I’m standing with the whole Yann affair, but I can’t.
I just can’t.

I grip the mouse of the computer tighter. I glance around the office of the resort and sigh when I don’t see my boss, Evelyn. She’s a strong woman, always plastering a professional smile on her face, even when there are no clients. Apparently, we’re all supposed to keep a smile, sending welcoming and soothing vibes to all. That’s something I’m still working on.

“Aideen, do you have the detailed estimate for the rooms on the second floor?’’ Evelyn’s voice precedes her, her kitten heels punctuating her words in an already familiar fashion.

I swirl on my rolling chair and immediately locate the paper I printed half an hour ago. “Here.’’ I extend it and she grabs it with her perfectly manicured hands.

Her blue eyes run over the document, an annoyed pout on her lips made up with nude lipstick.

“They’re kidding, I hope. Last time they asked for fifteen percent less and it was the same job.’’

I shrug. “I know, I checked when I got the email. I think you should contact other companies. I can compile a list if you’d like.’’

Evelyn sighs and leans on my desk, the estimate now hanging alongside her body at the end of her limp arm. She looks exhausted. I can only empathize. It’s Friday and between training me during this first week, running the resort as smoothly as usual and dealing with the renovations her parents asked for—they’re the owners but put their only daughter in charge—things have been pretty much hectic.

Her perpetual professional smile drops and for the first time I see the real Evelyn. At barely thirty she looks like the girl-next-door kind of woman with her light brown hair and her soft honey colored eyes. She’s very focused on her work, but it’s obvious it’s also eating at her. I picked up on this on my second day.

“That’s the issue, we’ve been using this company for years. My parents won’t ever accept if we consult others.’’

“You’re the manager.’’

She chuckles and tightens her already tight ponytail. “I’m also their daughter. Family can be difficult.’’

I nod, only too aware of this fact. Not a day goes by without a phone call from my mother that ends up with at least a hint of her asking me to come back. It seems like nothing, but it’s hard. I have too many bad memories over there and they’re tainting my good ones. Also, I’m far too spent and I don’t feel like helping or supporting anyone. Not now anyway. I first need to sort out my own mess, starting with my evasive best friend.

Evelyn checks her watch and straightens up, her fake smile back in place. “You’ve done enough. You should go. It’s Friday after all, I’m sure you have plans.’’

I shut down my computer and watch Evelyn go to her own desk. We share this small room and while I’d been surprised at first to be sharing my office space with my boss, I’d quickly discovered it wasn’t a bad situation. And Evelyn is easy to work with. She’s also always walking around the resort to check if everything is fine and to greet clients so it’s not like she’s always there.

“I need to locate my best friend first.’’ I catch myself before saying more. She’s my boss, I shouldn’t be talking to her in such a friendly way. She’s pretty friendly with all her employees, something she’s been taught by her family, but she’s not a friend, she’s still my boss. Even now that the resort is such a huge complex, bigger than I even thought at first, she’s still trying to keep that family company vibe her parents went for.

“Ouch. You had a fight?’’

I gather my things and shoulder my purse. Standing up, I cringe when I feel how my legs are numb from sitting behind my desk all day. “Nothing that can’t be sorted out. Hopefully.’’ I look around my work space to ensure I hadn’t forgotten anything. “Do you need me earlier on Monday? I remember that there’s a group checking in early.’’

She shakes her head. “No, we should be fine. But keep your phone handy in case another mess happens and we need all the help available. Have a nice weekend.’’ She waves at me without looking up and I walk away, not sure if she’s heard my parting words. From the rumor mills around the resort, she stays until late at night and it’s been going on for the last four months since her fiancé broke up with her to go off with my predecessor, the assistant manager. I don’t know what to believe, but she sure is a workaholic and I know very well how work can be the perfect escape when one needs to think of anything but their private life.

I wave and nod at the other employees on my way out and stop dead in my tracks when I see Hal leaning against my car. A real smile stretches my mouth and I hurry up to him, sudden relief washing away most of the exhaustion from my first week at work.

“Hal?’’

Wordlessly, he opens his arms and I walk into them, locking him in a bear hug. He feels very different from Jensen, but where his father is a real thrill to my very core, Hal is always the comfort I’m seeking. My best friend is back.

“I’m sorry. I fucked up.’’

I squeeze him tighter, my chin over his shoulder. “We all have our bad days and…and I know I should do more.’’

He pushes me back softly, his hands firm on my shoulders. “It’s not that. I’m afraid that you’re still hung up on Yann. I don’t want to see you hurt.’’

“I’m not hung up on him. It’s something else entirely and I don’t know how to let these emotions go. At some point I’ll get there.’’ I tug once on his dark blue suit jacket. “I’m glad we’re talking again. It’s been pretty lonely.’’

He smiles at me, but there’s sadness in his eyes. These last couple of months, something has been off sometimes when we’re talking. He’s…I don’t know, far off at times and that’s not like him. I’ve never paid attention to it before our fight the other day that got me thinking.

“Follow me back to the house. I’ve invited a few friends over. Most are colleagues and people I’ve met going out with Jensen. What do you say?’’

Going back to Jensen’s house and probably see him? Just picturing him there is making me feel hot and bothered. If he’s with another woman, that Cassie for example, I don’t know how it’d make me feel and I hate that. I shouldn’t be feeling anything now that he’s out of my system. But is he?

I frown and shake my head, a small smile still stitched to my mouth, but I’m not feeling it anymore. “We need to talk about this, Hal.’’

“There’s nothing to talk about. We made up, we’re good.’’