We Shouldn't and Yet... (9 page)

I follow her in to the small living room and sit in the only armchair, leaving her to go back to Hal on the couch, who smiles softly when she presses against his side. I focus on her, intent. She doesn’t have to sit so close to my son since the couch can sit three people, but she is almost plastered against him. Does that mean something? Probably not. I mean, if Hal had made his move and they’d been together he’d be touching her more intimately. I sure would. And Hal wouldn’t have invited me over.

“I’m sorry I can’t offer you a beer. I have yet to go grocery shopping.’’

I shrug and lean back in the armchair, hoping that the muscles in my back would stop bothering me. I’m aching pretty much everywhere today and I don’t know what is real and what comes from my shitty mood. I massage my bad shoulder with one hand and touch my bruised cheek with the other.

“What happened?’’ Hal asks me with an amused curiosity. The kid is always having a blast when I tell him some story of shoplifting.

“Some punk ass kid thought it would be fun to punch a man three times his size when said man is stopping him from leaving the mall with an unpaid video game. Fun times.’’

Hal laughs and shakes his head, turning down the TV volume. “You really need to find another job.’’

My frown comes back with a vengeance. I don’t know how to take this. If he’s criticizing, then I’m pretty sure I’m going to snap at him. I hate it when people think they’re entitled to criticize my life when it’s already in shambles. At least, I can keep a job, two even, I pay my bills on time and I have a roof over my head. That’s more than some vets can say. It’s easy for people to give you advice when they haven’t seen your friends, your army brothers fall. Or when you’re wondering everyday why you’re alive, coming out almost unscathed from an explosion on the last mission of a tour. It’s easy for them to talk when you feel lost most of the time. Then, if they know what it’s like, maybe I’d agree to at least listen.

“There’s nothing wrong with his job,’’ Aideen says, putting some distance between her and my son. Her usually soft eyes are now wary and annoyed. It shouldn’t, but it’s calming me down immediately.

“I didn’t say there’s anything wrong,’’ he retorts with an annoyance I’ve never seen in him before. “I don’t know what crawled up your ass today. You’re so damn defensive.’’ He crosses his arms and with narrowed eyes, waiting for the fight.

I sit up straighter, ready to intervene before they argue when Aideen takes me by surprise. Apparently, she’s very good at it.

“You know nothing about vets or how difficult it is for them to go back to a normal everyday life outside of the army. You’re always like that, Hal, thinking that you know everything and you have the answer to everyone’s issues, but you don’t. Instead of asking for more, for something else, you should be damn proud of your father and support him.’’

“Who says I’m not supporting him, huh? You’ve been here for two days, Aideen. I’ve been here for the last few months.’’

She jumps to her feet, body shaking, cheeks red from anger, eyes bright with fury. What the fuck is going on here? Because it’s obvious it’s something that’s more than just a fight between best friends.

“Forget it, Hal.’’ She grits her teeth and turns around as if to go to her bedroom. I want to reach out and ask her to stay, but I’m frozen in the armchair, a spectator. And, God help me, I’m even harder than earlier. Seeing this spark of passion, these extreme emotions, it’s doing something to me, making me want to see where that passion could lead without clothes on. Damn, I’ve got a one track mind.

“You’re running away again. Every time you have to open up about something you run away. Yann really did a number on you.’’

She whirls around and marches to my son who visibly pales. Apparently he knows he’s said something he shouldn’t have. He looks sick to his stomach, his eyes now pleading with her, but he keeps his mouth closed. Aideen’s body is coiled, as if ready to strike. As furious as she is, she still looks gorgeous.

“To answer your dig at Yann and me, yes, he did a number on me, but considering what you know, it’s not surprising.’’ She takes a deep breath, obviously trying to regain some of her composure. “You should leave before I say something I’ll regret.’’

“What?’’ His back pushes harder in the back of the couch as if punched straight to his heart.

“Leave. Now.’’

“But—‘’

“Now!’’ she screams. Hal jumps and quickly grabs his cell, not once sparing me a glance before he sprints out. But I see his haunted face. He’s made a huge mistake and now he must pay the price for it.

She’s breathing hard, too fast when the door soundly closes after my son. She walks back to the couch on shaky legs and sits down heavily. Without thinking I stand up, round the coffee table and sit down next to her, almost touching her side. I gently grab her hands gripping her thighs and I let my thumbs move in tiny circles on her silky skin. This innocent touch is raising the hairs on my arms.

“Calm down and match your breathing with mine. You hear me?’’

She nods slowly, her eyes now glassing over with unshed tears and I’m man enough to say that it’s breaking my heart. There’s so much pain contained in her, so many dark emotions she’s keeping inside. I don’t know her, I only met her a couple of days ago, but it’s blatantly obvious this woman does not easily show her emotions. But right now, they’re ready to overthrow her and it’s ruining me.

After a couple of minutes of breathing deeply and slowly, she’s calm again. But I don’t want to release her small hands from my big ones. Yet, she tugs gently at them and I reluctantly let go, already missing the warmth of them in mine. It’s crazy how I sound like a pussy since I’ve met her.

“I’m sorry about this.’’ She shakes her head and keeps her chin down. She’s hiding.

“No need for that.’’ My voice is rueful, raspier than usual. “Never apologize for coming to my defense.’’ I take her chin in between my thumb and index finger and tilt her head upward. When our eyes lock, it’s like a charge straight to my balls and I’m getting hard again. It’s not the first time I’ve felt a connection with her, but it’s the first time I’ve seen the darkness in her. “Who did you lose?’’

She blinks and a tear falls down her cheek. Before it even reaches her chin she dries it, not even leaving a damp trace of its path on her skin. “My uncle. He died a year ago during a tour.’’

I nod and this time, I’m the one looking away. It’s always hard hearing about death overseas because it keeps bringing me back to the ones who died next to me, the ones I considered my friends. A sharp pain tears at me from the inside, the same fucking pain I’m desperately trying to run away from. But there’s nowhere to hide from this and I don’t know how to make it go the fuck away.
I don’t know.

“I’m sorry for your loss.’’ Expected words, almost meaningless at this point. It’s not a balm on an open wound. “Is it him, Hal was talking about? Yann?’’

She closes her eyes as if I just punched her. She forces more air in her lungs before she opens her mouth. “No. Yann was my boyfriend.’’ She clears her throat and blinks back more tears. Suddenly, her eyes take a harder glint, losing that intense and vulnerable emotion. “And it’s an off-limits topic. Hal knows this, but he pushes and keeps pushing. It’s not like I’ve never talked about him with him.’’

“I’m not going to ask. I know what it’s like not wanting to talk about something.’’

“I know.’’

Silence falls, but it’s not uncomfortable. If anything, it’s welcomed. But it gives me too much of an opportunity to watch her, to wonder about what she’s hiding, about who she is under that sexy, strong exterior. I now realize that I’m interested in her, not in just fucking her, that's a whole other mess in waiting.

I sigh and stand up. When her eyes take me in slowly from my old biker boots, my black jeans, my chest encased in the regular black shirt and my face, I’m gutted. And harder. She’s there, still on the couch, her face turned upward, her big beautiful eyes on me and I only think about one thing. Kissing her. No, actually I think about two things. Kissing her, and fucking her right there.

“I should go.’’

Her pink tongue makes an appearance, drawing me in even more. “And the pizza?’’

I scoff and rub at my neck. She looks down and her gaze stops at my crotch and the unmistakably bulge. She gasps and flushes and I’m ready to pounce.

“Is it really about the pizza, Aideen?’’

“I…forget it.’’ She flicks her hair over her shoulders and avoids looking my way at all costs, even when my dick is pushing hard against my zipper right in front of her.

“No, I won’t. Tell me what the fuck you want.’’

Cornered, she jumps to her feet and sidesteps me, barely brushing against me, but it’s enough to make me want to growl and beg for more of her, of her body. Without consciously doing so, she’s teasing me to insanity. I’m not a patient man and I’m not used to resisting what I want.

“I need you to go.’’

I face her, the armchair now between us. Fucking armchair. She’s still flushed, her eyes going up and down my body yet making sure to avoid looking at my groin region. But I want her to look there, I want to see desire in her eyes and not just uneasiness and something else I can’t pinpoint. I want her to want me just as badly as I do her.

“Need and want are two very different things, Aideen. Now, what do you
want
?’’

“Stop. Don’t do this.’’

“Do what, huh?’’ I round the armchair and stop next to her, my chest against her arm. Just her warmth, knowing I’m touching her is altering the rhythm of my breathing. She’s not doing anything, not even looking at me now, but she doesn’t have to. I’m ready to blow in my pants like a teenager already. And when I was a teen I had more control over my cock. “Stop wanting you? Stop trying to push you into actually doing something about this?’’ I push my chest a little more against her arm. “Tough luck, beautiful. Tell me what you want.’’ I lean toward her ear, my breath raising goosebumps on her fair skin. “Now.’’

AIDEEN

A shiver runs its course all over my body. My nipples tighten and push against my bra. My panties are wet and everything in me is clenching, voicing what I truly want when my mouth isn’t cooperating. I can’t want him, can’t want this. But I do. I really,
really
do and it’s frightening me.

His breath fans my heated skin, down my neck and into my cleavage. His strong chest against my arm makes it difficult to think and not turn around to explore his muscles. His smell, male and with a touch of cologne, gives me more wicked ideas than I already had. He’s all male, all man and that pushes all my buttons.

“I can’t.’’

A low growl comes from within his tight chest. “The hell you can’t. Just push me away and end this.’’ He runs his nose along the shell of my ear and I gasp again. “I dare you.’’

“We shouldn’t,’’ I whisper brokenly, my resolve deserting me as I feel myself press back to the side to feel more of his firm muscular chest.

“And yet… Yet it’s fucking there, isn’t it?’’

I nod and face him, my head right where I know I’d be able to tuck myself right under his chin to breathe him in. But I don’t want to tuck myself right there. I want to let my eager hand explore his ripped body, I want my mouth to taste him, I want to hear the sounds he makes when pleasured. I want to see and feel his cock.

“I want you, Jensen.’’

“Brace yourself then, beautiful,’’ he rasps and cups my face in both of his big hands before he plunges for my mouth.

I can’t keep in the moan at feeling his soft lips, his tongue meeting mine in a practiced dance and at the wonderful burn of his whiskers on my sensitive skin. His tongue runs along mine, brushing the roof of my mouth before he retreats and nips at my lips, sucking on my lower one before he deepens the kiss again. His hand delves in my thick hair while his other one goes down my body, lightly tracing the outer side of my heavy breast and down to stop at my waist. I protest in his mouth, wordlessly begging him to touch me some more, to do something to fulfill the intensity of the desire I feel. I’m shaking all over, but not once am I easing off from this kiss.

His hand on my waist tenses when I bring my own hands around his neck, plastering me forcefully against his big body, undulating to better feel his erection pressing in his pants. I moan in his mouth, tearing my mouth off when the sensation sends sparks everywhere in my body. Just kissing that man makes me burn hot, hotter than what I have felt in so long…