We Shouldn't and Yet... (22 page)

“The way you’re welcoming me it feels like I’ve been away for months.’’

My mother clasps my hand in hers and leads me to the living room. Apparently, I can’t go to bed right away. I yawn again, but hide it behind my hand. My father chuckles and pats my shoulder. Caught.

“We’ve missed you, honey.’’ She sits and forces me next to her as my father takes his usual place in the reclining armchair. “You look good. Tired, of course, but good.’’

My cheeks heat up and I toy with the hem of my pale pink blouse. “I’m good. I’m actually happy with my job and…well, yeah, it’s great.’’

My parents look at each other without a word and their smiles turn more forced. “I hope you’re not slaving away. We know how you are.’’

I shrug and try not to focus too much on the weird expression that briefly crossed their faces. After all, maybe it’s nothing about me. “I work a lot, but I love it so I’m not complaining. Though, I’m seriously beat. Do you mind if I go to bed?’’

“Sure, honey. I’m sorry. I’m just so happy to have you home that I forgot that you drove six hours to get here.’’ She kisses my temple, smooths my hair a little and pushes me to go.

I stand up, shoulder my purse and take my overnight bag again. I lean down to kiss my father’s cheek and slowly make my way to my bedroom. I’m too tired to take a shower so I strip down to my birthday suit and climb in the fresh sheets my mother put on my old bed. But as I close my eyes and fall into a deep sleep, I picture Jensen naked and hard in that very bed. It’s going to be a good night because for once bad memories aren’t getting the better of me.

***

JENSEN

I groan and bite down on my bicep to muffle the sound. I keep my eyes closed, letting the water wash away my come on the tiles. I stand straighter and turn off the water. I grab the dark grey towel and dry myself as I step out of the shower in the ensuite bathroom of my bedroom. It’s barely seven in the morning and I’m jacking off to thoughts of Aideen and her lush body.

I pad to my bedroom and rifle through my dresser, grabbing the first pair of black jeans and a brown shirt I find. I go commando again, not bothering with anything. I dress and check my cell phone for a text from her. That’s how far gone I am. I hate myself for being like this, but at the same time I fucking love what it makes me feel like. Everything is easier to bear and I know she’s the reason why. It’s dangerous considering who she is, how old she is and how something like what we have is so fleeting, but I’m taking what I can get. And as soon as she’s back I’m going to take her good and hard.

I touch the screen and see Aideen’s name on it. I smirk and sit on my unmade bed. I open the text and smile wider thinking back to the dirty text I’ve sent her. I bet she blushed reading it.

You can add one more orgasm to your tally, big guy. -A

I bark out a laugh and shake my head. Fuck, I miss her already.

I blink and tense at my own thought.
I miss her.
I swallow thickly through the lump in my throat and pocket my phone. I think I need a breather. A ride on my bike is exactly what I need right now.

I leave my room and glance at Hal’s bedroom door. He’s probably still asleep. He came back late last night and from the heavy footsteps, he was probably very buzzed. I run down the stairs and go to grab my helmet, but cringe when a stabbing pain gets me in my bad shoulder. I lock my jaw and push through it. I’m not going to let this get me down. Not today.

With my helmet under my arm, keys in hand and leather jacket on my forearm, I walk out the door, waving at the old lady next door who’s eyeing me from the window in her kitchen.

I put on my jacket and helmet and just as I’m about to climb on the bike, my cell vibrates in my pocket. I sigh and pull it out, not checking the caller ID to know who it is. There’s only one fucker who calls so early during the weekend.

“Q, I hope you have a fucking good reason to call me.’’

The bastard chuckles. “Feeling hung over?’’

“I only had one beer last night after I left your place with the brand new crib I built while you scowled at the fucking instructions. Disappointed?’’

“Surprised more like,’’ he says with a chuckle.

“Listen, I was about to go for a ride. I need to clear my head a little.’’

“Forget about it, fucker. My sweet wife wants you here for breakfast.’’

My eyebrows probably disappear into my hairline at hearing this. Not that Q’s wife and I don’t get along, but she’s never really been the one to ask for me to hang out at their place more than necessary. I’ve always thought that she was afraid I’d drag her husband down with me, and I get it.

“Did you drug her?’’

“No, smartass!’’ she shrills from the other side of the line and I chuckle. Of course Q puts me on speaker. “Now come over here. You can still go for your ride once your stomach is full.’’

“I wouldn’t contradict her, J. Pregnant women can be scar—ouch! Seriously, Olivia?’’

“Stop it and get him here. I’ve made too many waffles.’’

“Ah, now I get it. She just needs another mouth to feed to finish her damn breakfast.’’ I smirk and climb on my bike. “I’ll be there in five.’’ I hang up and I’m actually smiling. What the fuck is going on with me?

***

AIDEEN

I take another pancake and drown it in syrup. I hum when I take another bite. There’s nothing like my mother’s pancakes. I tried cooking some last week for Jensen and me, but they weren’t very good.

“You don’t have to answer me, honey, but…hm…’’

I glance up and look at my mother. She’s sitting opposite me at the kitchen table, toying with her wedding band with her thumb. Her eyes are on me, still holding some of her grief but they’re clearer somehow. And right now, they’re also scrutinizing me as if I’m a puzzle.

I swallow my bite of pancake. “What is it? Is it about Dad?’’ I glance around as if he’s going to walk in when in fact he left a few minutes ago to go and visit one of his friends who’s struggling with a huge tree in his garden threatening to fall right on the roof of his house after the last storm.

‘’It’s about you actually.’’ She takes a deep breath. “You seem happier now.’’

“Well… It’s easier to move on when you’re away from prying eyes. I am freer in a way.’’ I shrug and take another bite, unsure of where she’s going with this.

My mother smiles at me and shakes her head slowly. A few strands of her light brown hair brush her high cheekbones. “It’s something else, isn’t it?’’

I stop chewing and swallow uneasily. I bring a hand to my face, rub at my forehead. It’s not like I have a neon sign displaying the exact content of my private life, so how can she know that there’s something else. I mean, she can’t possibly know about my sex life… Right?

“Have you met someone?’’

“What? Hm…’’

“Honey, it’s understandable if you have someone new in your life.’’

“No, Mom.’’ I shake my head and push away my plate, now too nervous to finish. “It’s not really—I mean…’’ I puff out a breath and rub at my forehead harder. “I can’t really say that I have someone in my life. It’s…casual I guess.’’ I cringe. My heart is hammering in my chest, I’m nauseous and my stomach is tied into knots.

“You’ve really met someone, then,’’ she says in a stunned whisper, as if talking to herself.

I bring my hands on the table and clasp them together. I lower my eyes and take a deep breath. It’s hard to talk about this. For years I’d been with Yann and my mother loved him. Both Yann’s and my family thought we’d grow old together, get married and all that. I guess it’s still hard to take in when there is proof that life actually has gone on without him. It’s also hard for me too. Very much so. But Jensen and I are just having fun and I need this. It’s intense, consuming and nothing I’ve ever known, but it’s not the kind of deep relationship I had with Yann. Yann and I grew up together, we knew each other almost to perfection. It’s different. Life without him is and always will be different and I’m starting to accept it. That doesn’t mean most of the time when I’m alone I don’t feel guilt for feeling what I feel for Jensen, but this too is fading. Slowly, but surely.

“It’s not serious, Mom.’’

“If you’re with him, then it must be. You’ve never been the fickle kind, honey.’’ She reaches out and pats my hand. “Who is he? How did you meet him?’’

I look away and feel my eyes prickle. I hate disappointing people and I know she’s going to be if I tell her who Jensen is. Why do I feel so attracted to the one man I shouldn’t? Why do I choose to be in such a position? Maybe because I don’t want to take the risk of having a real relationship and Jensen is a safe and hot choice for that. I’m young, he’s way older and my best friend’s father. That’s enough obstacles to make a lasting relationship.

“Honey?’’

“Don’t, Mom. I’d rather not talk about this.’’ My voice is shaky.

“Aideen?’’ She stands up and sits in the chair next to mine, gathering me in her arms. The last time she did it was the day I came back from college, the day of Yann’s death. It’s the last time I’ve let myself break down because I had to keep my head high, and when my uncle died soon after Yann, I had to be there for my mother. But now, right this very moment, everything is weighing too heavily on me and I can’t keep up the façade. I let out a few tears, silently. I give myself two full minutes and then I take a deep breath, dry my face and force a smile.
Fake it until you feel it.

“You don’t have to always be strong. You’re human too.’’

“I know, but it doesn’t help. I don’t feel any better for crying. I’m just not…’’

“You’re proud. That’s what it’s called and it can be a flaw.’’ She brushes a few strands of hair away from my face, caressing my head softly. Her touch is the motherly kind of comfort I didn’t know I needed until now.

“We all have flaws, don’t we?’’ I shrug and take another deep breath, hoping it will ease some of the pain in my chest. It doesn’t, but it astounds some of the sharpest edges to make the ache duller. It’s more than I’ve had in a long time. I know that if Jensen had been here he’d be able to make me forget everything and lose myself in him. Damn, I really need him right now. I cross my arms and rub my arms.

“I’m sure it’s difficult for you right now. It’s normal to be confused and lost now that you’re opening up to someone new. But we all know that you’ll never forget Yann. You have every right to be happy.’’

“It’s not just that.’’ I purse my lips. “He’s older than me.’’

She frowns and sits straighter, as if bracing herself. It’s no surprise considering the tone of my voice. It wouldn’t be different if I’d told her that I have a terminal disease.

“How much older?’’

I swallow thickly. “Sixteen years.’’

She blanches a little and forces a smile to her face. It only accentuates the tiny wrinkles around her eyes and on her forehead. “He’s thirty-eight, then. It’s not that bad, honey. Does he have a family?’’ She suddenly grabs my arm. Her eyes open wide like saucers. “Don’t tell me he’s a married man.’’

I’d be laughing if only I wasn’t so scared to tell her everything. In fact, I can’t believe I’m doing this. This weekend was supposed to be all about my parents, stories from my job and that’s all. Nothing about the man I’m having sex with behind everyone’s back.

“Uh, no. He’s never been married.’’

She releases me and brings her hand to her chest, right over her heart. “Oh God, you scared me for a second. It’s true that there’s a considerable age gap, but you’ve always been mature for your age. Maybe it balances things out. I mean, I’m not against it, honey. It’s your life.’’

“He has a son, though.’’

“Oh.’’

“He—he’s only learned about having a son recently.’’ I bite my lip and bring my chin higher, giving myself some bravery. “His name is Jensen and he’s Hal’s father.’’

She’s not saying anything. She’s not blinking either, actually. She’s frozen there, watching me, probably processing my words slowly.

“You’re—‘’ She starts again and clears her throat when she squeaks. “You’re having an affair with your best friend’s dad. Aideen? You…’’ She trails off and stands up shakily and starts to load the dishwasher with the empty plates from our breakfast. Her movements are rapid, nervous. Her back is as straight as a board and she keeps shaking her head.

“I know it’s a shock.’’

She turns around, a dirty glass in one hand. “Do you know what you’re doing, Aideen? I suppose Hal doesn’t know.’’

“We’re keeping this to ourselves. Only Jensen’s best friend knows.’’

“The boy has feelings for you, you know? I didn’t want to say anything because I thought it was too soon after Yann and also because I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to have a serious talk about something like this, but your friend has feelings for you. How do you think he’s going to feel when it all comes out?’’

“I know this, okay! I know.’’ I rub at my temples, elbows on the table.

“And yet, you went for a man you barely know and who is the father of your friend. I don’t understand why you’d put yourself in such a situation.’’

I frown at her and stand up, crossing my arms in from of me. “Jensen is making me feel things I’ve never felt, Mom. I can finally let go and you’ve told me yourself that I look happier.’’