We Were Us (20 page)

I walked on, each step reminding me that I needed to make a decision. I needed to leave town, one, because I had to go back to school and two, because there was nothing left for me here. My mother had left an indelible mark on this town and had included me in her fall out. I wasn’t welcome here. I would always be known as Kim’s daughter, I’d always be sought after by people looking for things I could not and would not give them. If Josh wanted to stay in this town, then I couldn’t be with him. I know he said he want to stay with Michelle, but he needed to know that I wasn’t coming back.

I was almost to his truck before Josh noticed me. He ran up to me and hugged me.

“Jenna, I’m so sorry. Please can we talk?”

I didn’t respond verbally, instead I nodded and continued to the house.

I surveyed the living room. I’d be leaving everything behind. I’d have dad sell the house and stay in Brookhaven next summer and every summer after that until I graduated and moved on. Maybe I’d move in with Andrew.

“Jenna.” Josh said behind me. I hadn’t turned around yet. He touched my arm and pulled me around to meet him. The familiar tingle of anticipation welled up inside me. Josh gripped my arm tighter so I grabbed his and did the same like we needed to hold on to each other or we’d just fall away.

“Josh.” I said his name like he’d said mine, full of hope and sorrow, and desire.

He grabbed the side of my face and neck and pulled me to him. His mouth met mine in a hard kiss. His tongue exploded into my mouth, pushing and caressing my own. I didn’t fight against him, but melted into him. I let him wrap his strong arms around me and hold me. My hands traveled up his chest, over his collarbone and to his neck. I intended to push him away but I clung to him, pressing myself close to him. He snaked his arm around to my lower back under my shirt. I was lost in his mouth, but fully aware of his skin against mine. The hand on my face entwined in my hair so when he gently tugged at the back of my neck my head was pulled back exposing my neck. I let out a small sound, a groan. Josh released my mouth and stared at me. His eyes were wild. He let go of my hair and before I knew what he was doing, he’d pulled off my shirt. I stood there stunned staring at him, but not for long because his shirt was gone to.

I was double stunned.

I’d prepared myself for a break up conversation. But here was Josh, half naked in my living room kissing me like he’d never kissed me before. I was internally conflicted. My body was screaming for him. I wanted my hands on his smooth tight chest, I wanted his hands to roam over my back and pull me to him. But my mind said no, back away. And my heart. My heart was just sad and caught in the middle.

I stood there in just a white eyelet skirt that was grass stained from sitting in the grass with Michelle, and a white bra. Josh, in his dingy jeans and work boots looked like a farming god. His chest heaved with tension and desire for me. His earlier words about wanting to stay with Michelle were forgotten. He only had eyes for me and they were on me.

I took a few steps back and watched his eyes widen. His face grew sad until I extended my hand toward him. I had no idea what possessed me to do this, but as I watched his eyes darkened and he smiled hungrily at me, all my determination to end us left me and all that was left was now. He took my hand and I led him back to my bedroom.

***

I woke up hot and sweaty and tangled in sheets and body parts. Josh’s naked body parts, but I needed him off me, I was about to burst into flames I was so hot. He looked so peaceful though. The sun was just peeking through my curtains and cast a warm glow across his bare body. I was on my left side, and he on his right so we faced each other. He was still sleeping and snored lightly. I bet I could wriggle out from under his arm and leg. I sat up slowly, then drew each leg up to my chest. Once was out from under him, I extended my leg over him to the floor. I hopped on one foot until I freed my other leg. Made it. Now what? Shower? Get dressed? Wake him up?

I stood there staring at him wrapped up in the soft pink sheets. This was a mistake. I needed to leave. I needed to leave him. Sleeping with him again was not the way to accomplish either of those things.

He stirred. I stilled.

“Jen?” he mumbled.

“Yeah.”

He flipped over. The sheets caught on the bed and revealed every delicious inch of him. All of them.

“Yeah,” I said again. My brain was frozen.

“Where are you going?

“Yeah. Um…Nowhere. To the bathroom. To shower!” I shouted that last part.

“Can I join you?”

“No.” I snapped out of my trance. “No. I’d like to shower alone please.”

“Okay.” He gave me a questioning look while he adjusted the sheet and covered himself up. Like it did any good. Pale pink sheets hide nothing.

“I’m going to go now.” And I skipped out of the room without waiting for an answer.

The hot water cascaded over me but it didn’t bring any answers. I stood under the pounding spray a while before I did anything. I needed my head to be clear. I needed the image of his naked body out of my mind. I needed to stop replaying the night. Josh had clearly said that he wanted to stay with Michelle. But what we had just done, said some much more about his feelings for me. I sighed and snatched the soap and washed away his cologne, his sweat, and everything else of his. Clean body, clear mind, and broken heart.

When I was done I wrapped a huge fluffy towel around my body and went back into my room. Josh was still there but he’d put on pants. Good. That made it easier to talk to him. He was sitting on the edge of the bed with his elbows resting on his knees.

“Josh. We need to talk.”

“I know.”

“You do?”

“Yeah. I wanted to talk to you too.”

Okay, this might go easier than planned. I sat next to him on the bed, but not too close. His cologne had an intoxicating effect on me and I’d lose my words easily. I doubt I’d be able to smell it on him after the night we had, but I wasn’t taking any chances.

“Josh. I’m leaving in a few days.”

“I know. That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.”

“Oh yeah. Why’s that?”

“I want to come with you.” He looked at me then. I could imagine the look on my face. Eyes wide, jaw open, chin on the floor. That was not what I was expecting to hear.

“I, um. Why? What about Michelle?” I had no clue what to say. He’d shocked me into silence.

“I don’t know what I was thinking. I wanted to see your reaction I guess. I wanted to know if what we had was real. I thought you’d be happy about this Jenna. You don’t seem to be.” He got up from the bed and stood in front of me. I felt small looking up at his chiseled features. He looked like Paul Bunyan or a non-green Jolly Green Giant. His stance was wide and his arms were folded across his bare chest. It wouldn’t even the playing field if I stood up, he’s still a head taller than me. But I did anyway. I wanted to look him as square in the eye as possible.

“Josh. I’m leaving by myself. Alone.”

Josh dropped his arms and swiped up his t-shirt from the top of the dresser. He looked at me for a moment longer than stormed out of my room.

“Wait Josh! Let me explain.” I followed after him fully aware that I was still technically naked. I clutched the towel around me when I reached the living room. Thank God for curtains.

“No Jenna. I get it. You don’t want to be with me even though last night should have made it clear that you did. I’m hurt Jenna.” He looked hurt as he quickly dressed himself.

“Yeah, well you were all ready to be with Michelle yesterday. You just suddenly changed your mind?”

“Well yeah!” He said it like that kind of answer was satisfactory. It wasn’t.

“You can’t just change your mind.”

“Why, Jenna? Why?”

“Josh, you lied to me in a pretty big way. Last night was supposed to be the end, but then you kissed me.”

“Isn’t that enough?”

“No.”

His eyebrows raised and he let out a sigh. He didn’t even look at me. He just turned around and walked out the door. I stood there in the middle of my living room still dripping from the shower, wrapped in a towel, and watched the first love of my life walk away.

I sagged to the floor, tears streamed voluntarily down my face.

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

The next couple of weeks flew by quickly. It was the middle of August and I was ready for school to start in September. Stefanie had found the perfect apartment for us. It had two bedrooms, one bathroom, and it was practically free. So, maybe it wasn’t perfect, but it would work for us. Initially Stefanie was hesitant about Michelle joining us, but several phone conversations later, Michelle and Stefanie had become friends.

I hadn’t heard from Josh since the morning he walked out of my house. I had sobbed on the floor in my towel for over an hour, not just about Josh, about everything. All the stresses of the summer had finally caught up with me and they all came pouring out of me after Josh had left. I knew from the beginning that he and I couldn’t be together like he wanted, but I had let him into my heart, I’d let his words seep into my mind and cloud my judgment. He’d told me he loved me and it’s what I wanted to hear, what I needed to hear after years of neglect and belittlement from my mother and others around me. For some reason I had needed validation from him, from someone in this town for me to find my worth, when really I should have found it within myself.

Andrew had always told me I was worth something that I mattered, but I’d never believed him or took him at his word because he didn’t know about my past. I had never told him, but now I needed to. He needed to know where I came from, how I grew up, and what had happened this summer.

After my sob fest, I threw my energy into packing and cleaning. I’d wasted the summer with Josh and I hadn’t cleaned out the junk from this house like I’d promised my dad I would. So I boxed everything up that I wasn’t taking back with me and set it out on the back porch. I finally cleaned out my mother’s room. I didn’t find any more drugs and I didn’t keep anything I found in there. I needed no reminders of her or my past.

Once everything was out, I cleaned the house and packed my own things and shoved them into my car the best I could. Michelle and her things still had to fit somehow.

When Michelle and I had first told Mrs. Banks about our plan for Michelle to come to Brookhaven with me she was completely against it. Michelle still needed to do physical therapy and needed regular doctor’s appointments. Michelle countered with something her doctor had said about getting back to a normal routine. Mrs. Banks still insisted Michelle needed to stay here, but after numerous conversations with doctors and recommendations for doctors in Brookhaven, Mrs. Banks agreed that Michelle could get her GED online and start college at Brookhaven Community College in the spring.

Mrs. Banks and I had talked briefly about her husband’s involvement with my mother. She never blamed me or thought of me as a bad person because of what my mother had done. She thought I was a good friend to Michelle and apologized for what the mayor had done to me. We had gone to the police along with Mrs. Riley and told them what we knew about the mayor and the drugs and about the sweaty man he’d sent to my house.

The Sheriff we spoke to was receptive to our information and told us he had recommitted himself to this town and making sure all of its residents were safe and drug free. This town had seen enough of this kind of thing, and he was ready to put an end to it.
He wasn’t too keen on the fact that I had initially lied before when I said that I wasn’t home when it was broken into, but he was willing to overlook it so that we could catch the guy who did it. I wasn’t sure if the sweaty man pretending to sell me vacuums worked for the mayor of if he was just an innocent guy who got caught up in the mayor’s business. I made sure to tell the sheriff that I didn’t want any more innocent people to get in trouble because of my mother and the mayor. This was on them.

While Michelle was finishing packing and talking with her doctors again about the move, I decided to go down to Miller’s and pick up some food for the road. I also wanted to talk to Lauren. I hadn’t seen her or talked to her since the night she’d stayed at my house. I felt like we could have been friends if everything hadn’t gone crazy. I wanted her to see her potential and not be stuck here in Riverview as a grocery store clerk for the rest of her life.

I pulled into the parking lot and jogged to the front door. It was still boiling hot out.

“Hey there,” Lauren said when she saw me.

“Hey, how have you been?” I asked.

“Good,” she replied.

“That’s good.” I wanted to ask her if she’d thought anymore about applying to cosmetology school, but since I hadn’t talked to her for a few weeks, I didn’t know if she’d taken my comment about it seriously.

“Yeah. Hey, guess what?” she asked excitedly.

“What?”

“I applied to that beauty school you told me about.” She smacked her gum loudly and smiled at me.

“That’s so great!” I said.

“Yeah. I got accepted with a scholarship and everything. I’ll be starting in January next year. I thought it was a little soon to start next month.”

“Lauren, that’s so amazing!”

“Yeah, I guess. My mom wasn’t too happy about it. I think she really did expect me to stay here forever.”

“I’m sorry,” I said.

“It’s fine. But now I have to figure out where to live and find a job and stuff.” She flipped her hair and switched the elbows she was leaning on.

Now I felt bad, I’d told Lauren to go apply for college and then completely ignored every other aspect of doing so. Going to college meant she had to leave Riverview and go off on her own to a new town where she knew no one except me. I was a terrible friend.

“I’m sorry Lauren. I should have helped you with all of this.”

“No, it’s okay. I can figure it out. I mean, Brookhaven has to have a grocery store, right?”

I chuckled a little. “Yes, several,” I said, still laughing.

“Well then there you go. I can work at one of them.

An idea suddenly popped into my head and before I could stop to think about it, I blurted it out. “Lauren! You should live with me, Michelle, and my roommate from last year Stefanie. She just found a super cheap two bedroom apartment. I bet we could squeeze one more person in there.”

“Are you serious?” Lauren placed both hands flat out on the counter and squealed with delight. “That would be so awesome,” she exclaimed.

“Yeah,” I said to myself. I really should have run this by Stefanie. She seemed to be okay with Michelle moving in with us. Besides, one more person would make the rent even cheaper.

“Jenna,” Lauren said. Her eyes had grown wide.

“What?” I asked.

“Um,” and she pointed behind her.

I turned to look at what she was pointing at and came face to face with the sweaty man who had attacked me in my home.

“What the heck are you doing here?” I said.

“I,” he turned to leave.

“No! No, you don’t get to leave. Not until I know who you are.”

The man stopped before he got to the door and turned to face me.

“Who are you?” I asked.

“I just work for the mayor,” he said. He was still backing away. He held up his hands like I was going to hurt him or something.

“That’s not what I asked.”

“Listen, I just needed money. My wife is pregnant and you know how jobs are in this town.” He had begun to sweat profusely. “I just needed the money, I never meant for things to get out of hand.”

“You work for the mayor?” I wasn’t really asking him, more repeating his admission to myself. “He sent you to my house?”

“Yes, he told me to go to your house and pick up the two bags. He said I could keep one to sell and give him the other. I just needed the money,” he said. He looked away from me, sweat continued to drip down his face and neck.

“What’s your name?”

“Please, I don’t want any trouble. I just needed the money,” he said, still backing up toward the door.

“I don’t want trouble either, but you ransacked my house and attacked me.”

“I’m sorry,” he pleaded.

“Just tell me your name.”

“Ryan Lascoe,” he said quietly before slipping out the door.

I looked around to see if anyone else had just witnessed that exchange, but there was no one in the store except Lauren and me. Why did I always meet people here that I didn’t even want to see in the first place? It had all started with seeing Josh my first day back, then the mayor, and it just went downhill from then on. It’s a good thing I wouldn’t ever be coming back here.

“What was that all about?” Lauren asked.

              “That was the guy who attacked me in my house the day you spent the night.”

             
“Oh,” she replied.

             
I paid for my food and went back home in a daze. Mrs. Riley, the sheriff, and I had been building a case against the mayor. Now that I knew the name of the sweaty man, assuming he’d given me a real name, we had almost everything we needed to bust the mayor.

             
I almost felt bad for Ryan Lascoe. He was probably some poor lowly political worker who had gotten caught in the mayor’s crosshairs. Ryan probably didn’t even do drugs, he was just trying to provide for his family.

             
I called Mrs. Riley and Mrs. Banks and told them what had happened at the grocery store. I also phoned Stefanie to tell her about Lauren. I could hear the hesitation in her voice when she reiterated the size of the apartment to me five separate times. I assured her that everything would be fine and mentioned that the rent would be cheaper and how much we’d save on food, especially if Lauren did decide to work at the grocery store. Stefanie reluctantly agreed and I was finally ready to leave Riverview for good.