Wednesday (Timeless Series #3) (11 page)

Agony

Francesca

A week had come and gone but I didn’t hear a word from Hawke.

We were back in the city, ready to return to our lives like nothing happened. The streets were jammed with traffic, and the bakery was just as packed as it usually was. Everything was exactly the same, only it was different.

I’d never seen Hawke this upset. When he screamed at his mom in front of me, he destroyed all of his furniture until there was nothing left. But that was a different kind of anger.

Now he was absolutely silent.

I had to be patient and wait for him to come to me. Eventually, he’d break out of his haze and need me. He’d open up to me and apologize for shutting me out. And I’d forgive him instantly.

But he still hadn’t called.

Axel came by the bakery, something he hardly ever did. He came into my kitchen where I was frosting a cake I didn’t care much about. “Have you talked to him?”

All of us were worried about him, particularly Axel. “No.”

He leaned against the counter and watched me work the spatula. “You think I should give it a try?”

“You can do whatever you want. But when he’s ready, he’ll come to us.”

He rubbed the side of his face, his black wedding ring visible against his fair skin. “I know everyone deals with grief differently but this is…hard to understand.”

“Hawke is complicated.”

“I’ll say.”

“He’ll come around. He’s dealing with a lot right now.”

He sighed like he didn’t believe me. “Well, since you know him so well, I guess I’ll trust your judgment.”

“That’s always a good idea.”

He didn’t make a smartass comment, which was rare. “Are you doing okay?”

I shrugged. “I worry about him every second of the day and I miss him. But other than that, I’m fine.”

“I know he said a lot of mean things to you…”

“He didn’t mean them.” Hawke struggled to control his temper, and as a result, he screamed at people. But that was the worst of it. “Have a little more faith, Axel.”

“Honestly, I don’t know if I could have the same kind of patience if it were Marie.”

“You would.” I knew he would.

He rose to his full height and put his hands in his pockets. “Well, I’ll see you around. You can call me if you need anything.”

“I already knew that. But thank you.”

It looked like he was going to walk out but he remained rooted to the spot. He stared at me like he wanted something else. Then he moved in and gave me a quick hug. “Love you.”

My arm moved over his. “Love you too.”

***

Another week went by and I still didn’t hear from Hawke. Not only was I worried, but I was terrified he did something stupid—to himself. I knew I should take my own advice and wait for him to come to me but I was getting antsy. Maybe he was too ashamed to reach out to me. Or maybe it was something else entirely.

I arrived at his door but didn’t use my key to get inside. While he gave me permission, I didn’t think that was the smartest move at the moment. I knocked and waited for him to answer.

He opened the door a minute later, wearing sweats and a t-shirt like he hadn’t gone to work. He stared me down without any expression whatsoever. “Yes?”

His coldness was getting old but I somehow remained vigilant. “I was in the neighborhood and wanted to see how things were going.”

“They’re fine.” He started to shut the door.

“Whoa, hold on.” I pushed the door back open and let myself inside. “Hawke, I just want to talk.”

“About what?” He crossed his arms over his chest. Those beautiful blue eyes used to emit a warmth that surrounded me and kept me warm all night long. Now they were icicles, ready to stab me at a moment’s notice. “How my mother was murdered? How not a single person showed up to my father’s funeral because they knew he was a dick? How I almost killed him but he had a heart attack instead? Which topic did you have in mind?”

It took all my strength not to put him in his place. “I want to talk about you—and if you’re okay. That’s all.”

He leaned against the kitchen island, and near his feet were three boxes. Everything else in the apartment hadn’t moved so he couldn’t be leaving. But they were oddly out of place. “I’m fine. Now you can go.”

I wanted to slap him across the face. “Hawke, stop shutting me out. It’s not getting you anywhere.”

He grabbed one of the boxes on the floor and set it on the counter. “I gathered all your things. It might take a few trips but you can have Axel help you.”

What did he just say?

My eyes looked at the top of the box, and peeking from the folds was the blanket I made him for Christmas.

And I snapped. “Knock it off. I understand you’re going through a hard time right now, but breaking up with me isn’t the solution. I’m sick of your attitude, your bullshit, and everything else up to this point. You need to knock it off or I’ll have to slap some sense into you.” I grabbed the box and threw it on the ground. “Don’t you dare insult me like that again.”

He watched me, and for the first time, he didn’t seem so intimidating. He was almost apologetic.

“I’m giving you a freebie. I’m going to pretend this conversation never happened—for your sake.” I stormed out of his apartment and slammed the door so hard it almost snapped off the hinges.

***

Another week went by, and I didn’t hear from him.

Now I was starting to get scared.

Really scared.

What if he continued this behavior? What if he didn’t snap out of his depression? What if he was lost?

I spent all my time in my apartment because I didn’t want to do anything else besides lay in bed. There was no drive or motivation in my body anymore. I didn’t go for a run after work like I usually did, and I didn’t even cook anymore. All I could do was think about Hawke and hope the worst would pass like a bad storm.

When another week passed and I still didn’t hear from him, I stopped eating altogether. The anxiety of not knowing what was going to happen was drowning me. My chest ached because my lungs couldn’t breathe. My thoughts were suffocating me.

I couldn’t even think.

I needed to hold my ground and refuse to speak to him until he spoke to me first, but I couldn’t wait it out any longer. I went to his apartment, determined to set him right once and for all.

When I got to his door. I didn’t knock. I used my key to unlock the door, but when the key moved inside the lock, it didn’t fit right.

He changed the locks.

What a slap in the face.

I banged on his door and stomped my foot anxiously, needing to see his face so I could get everything out. I was angrier than I could digest. My hands shook from the adrenaline. I could handle a lot, but like everyone else, I had my limit.

Hawke opened the door with the same disinterested look on his face.

“Ugh.” I shoved him hard in the chest and forced him back inside his apartment. “You changed the locks?”

“I needed to.” He was calm, talking to me like he was bored with the conversation before it even began.

I threw my key on the ground. “Because of me?”

“I told you we were done.”

This was unbelievable. One little bump in the road demolished our relationship? We couldn’t get through this together? “Hawke, we were stupidly in love just last month and now you’re telling me we’re over?”

“Yes. We’ve been over.”

“Because…?” I couldn’t be patient anymore. The smartass girl inside me came out. “Because a tragedy that has nothing to do with either one of us happened? So, if the stock market crashed, we would have broken up too?”

“You know exactly why. Don’t play dumb.”

“I have to play dumb to be at your level.” Insulting him wouldn’t help but I was insane at the moment.

“I’m exactly like him—”

“No. You. Aren’t.” He sounded like a broken record. “Stop saying that. It’s not true.”

“But it is. I’m not good enough for you, and I’ll never be good enough for you.”

“You know what? That’s actually true.”

His eyes narrowed.

“Because you’re treating me like shit right now. You’re hurting me when I’ve done nothing but support you through this difficult time. Now you’re breaking my heart when I did nothing to deserve it. You’re digging your own grave, Hawke. You’re sabotaging our relationship for no reason. You think you don’t deserve to be happy, so you purposely make yourself suffer.”

He crossed his arms over his chest, still hiding his true self behind his mask. “No, I’m not.”

“Hawke, have you ever hit me?”

“Yes.”

“That incident two years ago doesn’t count.”

“Yes, it does.”

Tears of frustration burned in my eyes. “You’re nothing like either of your parents.  You’re strong, compassionate, and the most loving person I know. Don’t let your hate mask that.”

He looked out the floor-to-ceiling windows, the Christmas tree still in the corner even though it was February. “I shouldn’t have gotten involved with you again. I was weak and made a rash decision.”

“You mean, you loved me and wanted to be with me. That’s rash?”

“I knew nothing had changed. I knew I was still a monster. But I was selfish and I did it anyway.”

“Hawke, I wish you understood how ridiculous you sound right now.”

He kept staring out the window.

“Hawke.” I begged him with just the word.

He wouldn’t look at me.

“You’re being selfish by acting this way. Knock it off.”

“I’m not going to change my mind about this.” He turned back to me and glanced at the boxes on the ground. “Take your stuff and go.”

This couldn’t be happening.

“I made sure everything was in there so you don’t have to come back.”

I hated this. “Have you slept with anyone since we ‘broke up?’” I stared him down and hoped he wouldn’t give me the wrong answer. If he did…I wasn’t sure what I would do.

“The answer doesn’t matter.”

“It does to me.”

He kept his arms across his chest.

“Hawke, you better answer me.”

“No.”

The answer washed through me in the form of relief.

“But that doesn’t mean anything. Please take your stuff and go.”

This was the worst nightmare I’ve ever had. “You told me you wouldn’t hurt me again. You promised me, Hawke.” Somehow, I stopped the tears falling from my eyes. This man hurt me again, and now I felt stupid for giving him the opportunity.

He closed his eyes like something finally penetrated that stone exterior. “I know…”

“Then don’t do this to us.”

“I have to.”

“No, you don’t.”

He covered his face with his palms and took a deep breath. Then he slowly pulled his hands down, grief written all over his features. “Don’t make this harder on either one of us.”

My hands were starting to shake. “I gave you another chance because you promised me.”

Now he wouldn’t look at me again.

“You begged me to take you back because you loved me, because we would get it right this time. And now you’re leaving me over something that isn’t even true?” I steadied my voice and filtered out the sorrow. I refused to give him the satisfaction of stabbing me in the heart all over again. If he was really going to do this to me, then he didn’t deserve my sadness. I only allowed the anger to get through. “Hawke, when I walk out that door, that’s it. I’m never coming back.”

He stared at the ground.

“I don’t care what you say or what you do. If you ever want me back, I’ll never give you another chance. I will move on with someone else and I will forget about you. This isn’t a bluff.”

His words came out as a whisper. “And that’s exactly what you should do.”

He was making me do the one thing I didn’t want to do, but I didn’t have another choice. I eyed the boxes on the ground, comprised of the stuff I left there over the past year. “I’m not taking any of that. If you’re ending this like a coward, then toss it out with the garbage—just like you’ve done with me.”

Moving On

Francesca

Instead of being devastated like last time we broke up, I was oddly numb. He’d been treating me like shit for the past months, so I had more time to process this betrayal than the last time.

Vividly, I remembered exactly what happened with our last break up. He left, and I spun out of control. My grades plummeted and I barely scraped by with a C average. I quit my job at The Grind because I couldn’t get myself to go to work. Axel covered my bills because I couldn’t support myself. I was a ghost around the house, haunting every corner and every room. There was no life in me anymore. My entire purpose for living had disappeared.

And when his absence became too much, I took Marie’s bottle of painkillers and decided to end it then and there.

It was the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.

I woke up in the hospital to my brother crying. Marie too. Without realizing it, I turned suicidal. It was the darkest time of my life and I was disappointed in myself for losing everything I worked so hard for. I almost left my brother completely alone in the world.

And I never forgave myself for it.

I couldn’t go down that path again. I couldn’t let Hawke’s departure ruin my life. What kind of person would I be if I let the same guy ruin me twice? I would lose all respect for myself.

I wasn’t going to spiral out of control again.

No.

Hawke and I were a fairytale. Somehow, I fell more in love with him when we got back together than when we were together for the first time. Perhaps it was because our relationship lasted much longer. To have that taken away was the most painful thing I’ve ever known.

But I couldn’t let it get to me.

He completely destroyed me last time, and I wasn’t going to give him that satisfaction again. No guy could treat me like that and expect me to cry over him.

No fucking way.

It didn’t matter what Hawke was going through. His treatment of me was completely unacceptable. I wouldn’t make excuses for him—not this time. He obviously wasn’t man enough to handle a real woman—someone who gave him everything he could ask for.

This time, I held my head high and kept my back straight. This time, I didn’t let the weight strike me down. This time, I would survive without a scar.

***

“What?” Marie couldn’t process what I said. “I just…what?”

Axel sat beside her, brooding in silence.

“We’re done—for good.” Surprisingly, it didn’t hurt to say those words. I lost all respect for Hawke after he treated me like that, especially after everything I did for him.

“I just…how can that be possible?” Marie was just as worked up over it as I was. She encouraged Hawke to win me back in the first place. I bet she wished she’d just left it alone now.

“He’s not the same person anymore.” Losing his mom and watching his dad die permanently changed him. The man I fell in love with wouldn’t have let me go for any reason—so I could only assume he was dead. And he wasn’t coming back. “Maybe one day we can be friends—probably acquaintances—but we’re never getting back together.”

“I should kill him.” Axel massaged his knuckles like they were already sore just from thinking about it.

“No.” That wouldn’t solve anything. “He’s not worth it, Axel. If anything, it’s my fault. I gave him another chance when I shouldn’t have. I should have turned my back and kept walking. I shouldn’t have broken up with Kyle.” I shook my head. “It was all a big mistake.”

Axel continued to rub his knuckles. “I can’t believe this…a few weeks before he was going to—”

Marie elbowed him in the stomach. “Get you a dog.”

“A dog?” I asked. “Why?”

“You know, as a pet,” Marie said, her voice high-pitched. “It seemed like he was going to take your relationship to the next level.”

I didn’t want a dog until I had a house first. But that was a conversation Hawke and I never had. “Good thing he didn’t. I would be stuck with it.”

“I just…” Axel shook his head. “I really can’t believe this.”

It was hard to wrap my head around it—but I had four weeks to prepare for it. “Axel, I don’t want you to stop being friends with him. Please don’t do that.”

“How can I not? He’s a fucking asshole.” He stared at me in disbelief.

“Because Hawke is in a dark place and he needs someone there for him—you.”

He shook his head like that was never happening.

“Axel, what happened between him and I shouldn’t affect you. They are completely different relationships.”

“But—”

“It doesn’t matter,” I said. “Besides, I don’t care enough for you to stop talking to him. If you act like everything is normal, then he’ll realize he didn’t get to me. I’m not taking this break up like last time. I’m too good to put up with that bullshit.”

Marie sighed in relief. “Really? You’re okay?”

“I’ll be fine,” I answered. “Don’t worry about me.”

“Because if you aren’t, it’s okay.” Axel looked at me with concern in his eyes. “We were there. We know what the two of you had. It’s okay to be devastated. This break up came out of nowhere and no one could prepare for it. If Marie left me like that…I wouldn’t be able to go on.”

Marie’s eyes softened.

“Axel, I’m really okay.” Maybe I wasn’t okay right that second but I would be—eventually.

They both remained on the couch, staring at me like they expected me to explode in a raging ball of fire.

I didn’t blame them for not believing me, not when they’d seen me in the hospital after I got my stomach pumped. They had every right to be doubtful. “Don’t worry. You’ll see.”