Wednesday (Timeless Series #3) (20 page)

I sat there for an entire hour, waiting for my hand to grab the door handle. I stared at the covered windows and out-of-control lawn. The grass was tall with weeds and the bushes were untrimmed. My father’s truck was still in the driveway, as was my mother’s car.

Francesca remained absolutely still.

I cleared my throat then opened the door. “I’m ready.”

Francesca followed my lead and walked with me into the house. She stood close to me but never touched me.

The musty smell of time hit both of us right in the face. The air was old and heavy, like it hadn’t been circulated since the last time I was there.

It was exactly as I last saw it, except my father’s body was gone. The place still contained the atmosphere of despair. Sorrow hung in the air, impregnated from years of emotional and physical abuse. Just the smell reminded me of my evenings locked in the closet. Just the sight made me think of the bat colliding against my ribs. The memories washed through me, reminding me of the resentment I felt toward the other kids at school. They all had perfect families and perfect lives they went home to every day. I went home to this.

Francesca came to my side but still didn’t touch me, to my disappointment. She stared at the living room, seeing the old furniture that was breaking at the seams. Old glasses of beer and brandy were scattered across the tabletops. The rug contained old stains of brandy.

“This is it…home sweet home.”

***

I went through my mother’s drawers and found a lot of junk. She had cheap jewelry, packs of playing cards, and tons of painkillers. Nothing was worth keeping so I tossed it into the big plastic bag beside me.

Francesca went through a different dresser. Using her own discretion as she searched through years of garbage.

I didn’t bother touching anything that belonged to my father. Whether it was worth something or not, I was going to throw it away. Even if he had a million dollars stashed somewhere, I wouldn’t want it.

After I finished cleaning out her nightstand, I peeked under the bed to see if anything worthwhile was underneath. Mom would place storage boxes underneath, full of things she would forget about until she opened them again. Instead of seeing boxes, I only saw a wooden bat.

I recognized it from my childhood. It was the very one my father used to beat me into submission. There were scuff marks around the edges from striking the wall as he chased me down. They looked like teeth marks.

I pulled it out then gripped it by the base. The bat was thirty years old and time had weathered it immensely. My fingers felt the wood and remembered exactly how it felt against my bare skin. I gripped the base so tightly it chafed my skin.

Francesca stopped her search and watched me, understanding the significance of the bat without asking. She watched me with sad eyes, knowing I was combating a past that would never go away.

In that moment, I wanted to demolish the house with the weapon. I wanted to scream and break everything in my path. The raw rage burned inside me painfully, desperate to release like a building volcano.

But I calmed myself. I remembered what my therapist said. I had to control my emotions and let them go in a positive way. If I didn’t control my anger, I could never be with the woman I loved.

I rose to my feet, the bat at my side.

Francesca watched me, waiting for me to start my rampage.

But instead of doing that, I walked out.

“Hawke.” Francesca chased after me, afraid of what I might do. “Breaking down the house isn’t going to change anything. You’re just going to make it more difficult to clean up.”

I ignored her and kept walking. I made it to the back door then walked across the grass of the backyard.

Francesca stayed close on my heels. “Hawke, I know this is hard but it’s in the past.”

I placed the bat on an old tree stump that had been there since I could remember. My father cut it down because it endangered a power line. But he never removed the stump from the ground.

There was an axe in the toolshed I snatched it before I came back.

Francesca fell silent and watched me.

I pulled the axe far over the back of my head and aimed. Then I slammed the axe down as hard as I could, breaking the bat cleanly in two. The two pieces broke off and soared in opposite directions, landing in the grass a few feet away. The blade of the axe was embedded deep into the wood. It was so far in I doubt I could pull it out.

I breathed hard and stared at the broken pieces. Now that my father was gone, he couldn’t hurt me anymore. My mother was in a better place. And the weapon he used to torture me was gone. Now I could start over and hope for a new beginning.

Francesca slowly came to my side, her eyes trained on my face.

I looked at her for the first time and saw the tears in her eyes. They were coated with distinct moisture, and all the pain she felt was apparent in every feature. She felt what I felt, intense pain coupled with relief.

She moved to my body and rested her forehead against my chest. Her arms circled my waist and she remained there, giving me the greatest comfort I’d felt in a long time.

My arms wrapped around her shoulders, and I rested my forehead on the top of her head, inhaling her beautiful scent. She was right next to my heart, listening to it beat loudly just for her. The pain thudded deep in my chest, and I felt it travel to my eyes. I wanted to break down but I held it back. Feeling her in my arms like this was exactly what I needed. When our souls were close to one another, the pain seemed to stop.

She gave me exactly what I needed.

***

Francesca unfolded a piece of paper she found in the drawer. She scanned through a few lines before she turned to me. “Hawke.”

“What?” I tossed a box of shoes in the donation bag.

“I think you should look at this.” She swallowed the lump in her throat before she handed it over. “I found it in an envelope addressed to you.”

I took it with a shaky hand and began reading.

Hawke,

It’s one of those nights when I question why I’m here. I know I should go, but I fear my escape will lead to my death regardless. Now that you’ve moved away, I know I’m on my own.

But I’m so happy.

This may be my last night on earth, and if it is, there are things I want to say just in case I never get to say them in person.

I owe you an apology. I had a child and brought him into a world that he never should have experienced. When I had you, I should have taken you and ran away as far as I could. We’ve both been through so much, but you never should have known that kind of pain. I’m sorry I didn’t protect you from it. I’m sorry for everything.

Knowing you’re in New York and starting your own life away from this is exactly what I wanted. You’re so smart, successful, and talented. I have no idea what I did to have such an amazing son, but somehow I was blessed.

If I don’t make it to see how your life turns out, I want you to know how proud I am of you. You’re the greatest son I ever could have asked for. I hope you see the world for the beautiful place it truly is. I hope you fall in love with a woman that will make you understand the true meaning of happiness. And when you have your own children someday, I hope you give them the childhood I never could give to you.

You will be all right, Hawke. I’m sure of that. I know I’ve told you how similar you are to your father, but that’s only in appearance. He doesn’t have your strength, your good heart, or your integrity. You’re nothing like him. I’m sorry I ever made the comparison.

I love you so much, son. I hope this note finds its way to you just in case I can’t.

Love always,

Mom.

A picture came with the note. Mom and I sat at a bench in the park. I had a bag of bread in my hands while ducks gathered around us. It was a warm spring day, and it was just the two of us. I remembered it despite how young I was.

I sat on the ground and leaned against the bed, still holding the letter and the picture in my hands. My mind couldn’t process what I just read so I read through the words again, trying to wrap my brain around it.

Francesca sat beside me, her knees pulled to her chest.

After I read it three times, I folded it up, the picture tucked inside.

Francesca said nothing, giving me the floor.

I always knew my mom loved me even though she never rescued me from my insufferable existence. She wasn’t strong, not like Francesca. She didn’t have the strength to leave because she didn’t know how to make it happen. But I never judged her for that.

She wanted me to move to New York and start a new life. She wanted me to get away from this hellhole and find my own happiness. She knew she wouldn’t survive that night, but she stayed anyway.

But how could I have prevented that?

And her final words hit me in a dark place.

You’re nothing like him.

The words kept ringing in my brain like a distant bell.

You’re nothing like him.

Hope surged through my chest.

You’re nothing like him.

On The Other Side

Francesca

Now I understood why Hawke needed me on this trip.

No one could take all of that alone.

We walked into the hotel and approached my room. Hawke booked separate rooms for us, but they were right next door to each other. He’d been quiet ever since he read that letter. Not once did he speak but I understood exactly what he was thinking.

But I was surprised by his reaction.

Not once did he rip something apart or flip a table over. He took everything calmly and defused his anger in an appropriate way. Instead of destroying the house where his mother was killed, he went outside and destroyed the weapon that caused so much misery.

He stopped at my door and put his hands in the pockets of his jeans. “Thanks for coming with me. I wouldn’t have been able to do that without you.”

“I’m glad I came with you.” Together or apart, I loved him. When he was in pain, so was I. I wanted to be there for him always, no matter what happened between us. He could always count on me, and I could always count on him. We may not be lovers anymore, but our destiny was still tangled together regardless. “Will you be okay?”

“Tonight?” he whispered. “I probably won’t get any sleep. But I never do.”

I didn’t sleep well alone either. Even with Kyle, it wasn’t the best. “I’m next door if you need me.”

He nodded. “I know.” He turned away and headed to his door.

“Hawke?”

He turned back around.

“You handled everything so well today…” I didn’t ask the question because I didn’t know how to word it. No matter how it came out, it sounded insulting.

He came back to me, closing the gap between us. No one else was on the floor but he and I. “I’ve been seeing a therapist.”

I hid my shocked expression as much as possible. That didn’t sound like something Hawke would do, talk to a stranger about his troubles. He hardly talked to me about it. “Really?”

He nodded. “I think it’s helping. I’m learning that I’m a different person than my father was. All I have to do is remain focused, and I’ll never go down that path. And the letter my mom left…gives me the kind of encouragement I’ve needed for a long time.”

Whenever his mother said how similar he and his father were, it always ripped me apart inside. Hawke didn’t care about anyone’s opinion, but he always cared about hers. She poisoned his mind unintentionally, making him fear he was a monster in the same way his father was. “I’m glad.”

“I’m going in the right direction now. Even though my mom is gone, I don’t feel as much anger anymore. And I’m learning not to shut people out every time I get upset. I’m going to fix myself—for you.”

My fingertips and toes tingled in an inexplicable way. My body automatically reacted to those words, feeling a surge of hope that shouldn’t be there. I tried to keep my heart locked up tightly in its cage but he picked the lock loose. I kept the door shut but I feared it wouldn’t stay that way forever.

“You don’t trust me anymore and I completely understand why. But if I show you that I’m different, that I’ve changed, I hope you can trust me again. This time, I won’t hurt you. This time is the last time.”

My entire body ached for his but I kept myself under control. “Hawke, I’m with Kyle—”

“I know. But all three of us know it’s not going to last forever. It doesn’t compare to what you and I have. He may be the safe choice, but I can also be the safe choice. I’m getting better and I’m becoming the man you want. I will give you everything you want—you’ll see.”

***

I called Kyle before I went to bed.

“Hey.” He wasn’t happy that I went away with Hawke, and it was clear in his tone alone.

“Hi.”

“Going to bed?”

“Yeah. It was a long day.”

“I bet.”

I ignored the jab. “Hawke found a lot of old stuff at the house—including a letter from his mom.”

Kyle wasn’t a hateful person. He pitied anyone who deserved it, probably because he lost someone too. “What did it say?”

“That she loved him and wanted him to be happy. And that he’s nothing like his father.”

“Did that make him feel better?”

“It did.” It was the faith he should have gotten a long time ago.

“Maybe that will give him some closure.”

“I think it has.” Destroying the bat also helped but I wouldn’t mention that to Kyle.

“So…has he been wooing you the entire time?”

I never lied and I wasn’t going to start now. “Not really. He’s made a few comments here and there, but for the most part, he’s been pretty quiet. He’s going through a lot right now.”

“I can always join you.”

“I’m sorry, Kyle. It can only be me.”

He sighed in the phone, showing all his irritation without actually saying anything.

“You have nothing to worry about.”

To my surprise, he laughed. “I have nothing to worry about? You still claim this guy is your soul mate. It doesn’t matter how great I am or how well I treat you. I can never compete with that.”

His frustration was understandable. “But you don’t have to compete with that. I told you that’s not what I’m looking for. I’m looking for a friend I can spend my life with. Someone I can have kids with. You fit the bill, Kyle.”

“I fit the bill because you’ll never love anyone else besides him.” His voice was full of defeat.

His sadness hurt, but I didn’t let it swallow me up. “I didn’t mean to mislead you, Kyle. I told you what this was.”

“I know.”

“I hope you didn’t expect me to change my mind.”

“I think you could…if he wasn’t around.”

“Maybe. But it would take a very long time.”

“Well, I have nothing else to do.” He sighed into the phone again, his irritation seeping through the line.

Maybe this wouldn’t work with Kyle under the circumstances. Perhaps I needed to find a guy who lacked any capacity to love, a relationship of convenience. “I don’t think this is working anymore.”

Kyle’s voice came out louder through the phone. “That’s not what I want.”

“But I think it might be for the best. I don’t want to hurt you, Kyle. I care about you too much.”

“You aren’t hurting me. I just hate the fact he won’t disappear. It’s like he purposely haunts you.”

“Whether he’s here or not, he’ll always haunt me.”

Kyle breathed into the phone. “So, you still haven’t changed your mind about him? You’ll never take him back.”

After our conversation in the hall, my confidence was shaken. Hawke did something I never expected. He fixed the root of his problem so he could be free of his demons. Without them, he could be the man I’d always wanted. But I still couldn’t forget the way he left me again for six months. If I went back to him, I’d feel like a dog crawling back to its owner after it’d been kicked. My pride, sense of self-worth, and stubbornness wouldn’t allow that to happen. “No. I won’t take him back.”

Kyle fell silent.

“I’m not going to cheat on you. I have too much respect for you.”

When he spoke, his voice was full of affection. The jealousy and disappointment vanished into thin air. “I know, baby. If you haven’t taken him back after this long, I guess you never will.”

He was coming around and returning to his former self. Kyle was never possessive or jealous but Hawke made him say and do strange things. He still didn’t realize he was the winner. He was the winner by default—but the winner nonetheless.

***

Hawke searched the closet in the hallway and tossed all the garbage he found. There were old paper receipts, stuffed animals, and random junk. When he uncovered his mother’s clothes and jewelry, he boxed it up so he could drop it off at The Salvation Army.

“What are you going to do with the house?” I organized the dishes in the kitchen and wrapped them in bubble wrap.

“Sell it.”

“Are you going to fix it up?”

“Probably. No one would buy this piece of shit as is.” He removed a few binders and flipped through them.

Getting rid of the place was the best decision. I couldn’t picture Hawke ever living there or even renting it out. He should put it behind him and move on. “After a new coat of paint and new carpet, the place will look brand new.”

“I don’t know about that.” He flipped through the plastic sleeves of the photo album then stopped. His eyes were trained on something and he didn’t blink.

I suspected he uncovered more family pictures. I set the plates in the box before I joined him on the floor. “Whatcha got there?”

“Old pictures.” He looked through them slowly then flipped the page. Every picture was either of him as a little boy or of him and his mom. His dad was never in any of the photographs.

“You were so cute.”

“Thanks.” He turned the page and kept looking. The pictures showed his life from when he was born until he turned six or seven. After that, the pictures ended. That could only mean one thing.

“Your mother loved you so much.” Despite what happened, I could tell she cared for her son. It was a shame she wasn’t strong enough to leave when she had the chance. Both she and Hawke could have had a much different life.

“Yeah…I can tell.”

I rubbed his back gently, trying to comfort him.

He shut the binder and shoved it into the trash bag.

“Whoa, what are you doing?”

“I don’t want it. Looking at it causes me too much heartache.” He searched through the pile and discarded more junk.

I stared at the binder and watch it disappear under the rubble. It was such a waste to throw it away and I couldn’t part with it. I pulled it out then held it to my chest. “Do you mind if I keep it then?”

The look he gave me spoke volumes. He was moved by the gesture but heartbroken at the same time. The two of us were connected in such a strong way and nothing would ever change.

But I think that revelation hurt him more.

***

All the garbage was tossed in a dumpster, and all the valuable things were left on the driveway to be picked up by The Salvation Army. The house was left empty, nothing but floorboards and walls.

When Hawke walked out of there, he seemed relieved the job had been completed. It took all weekend to do it, but together we managed to get it done. The only photo album we found was mine to keep.

I carried it under my arm as we walked down the hall to our hotel rooms. Hawke didn’t want it for many reasons, all of which I could understand. But I couldn’t part with such a treasure. The photos of Hawke as a little boy were something worth keeping.

He stopped in front of my door and faced me, a whirlwind of emotions etched on his face. He glanced down at the photo album before he looked at me again. “Thanks for doing this with me. I’m glad it’s done.”

“It’s no problem.” I didn’t mind helping him in any way possible. I wanted the best for him, in any capacity. If I ever needed him for anything, he would be there. “I wanted to be here.”

He stared into my eyes with his arms by his sides.

I held the binder to my chest, protecting my heart.

“Did you do the same thing with Axel?”

“And Yaya.” I remembered that day clearly. We had to go through all of their things and figure out what to do with them. Some things were kept but most of it was thrown away. We sold the house and saved the money for college.

“Then you understand what I’m feeling.”

“I do.” The only difference was our childhoods. Mine was happy, with two parents who loved me more than themselves. I never felt unsafe in my own home. Of all the places I wanted to be, home was number one. But Hawke hated his past. I think in many ways it made it worse. “Will you be okay for the night?” If he wasn’t, there wasn’t much I could do. I couldn’t sleep with him.

“I’ll be fine.” He didn’t turn for the door. His eyes were still trained on me, saying the things his lips hadn’t. His damaged heart was deep in his eyes. Being back in that home where both of his parents died took a toll on him. And his soul was broken from losing me because of it. He was at the lowest point in his life, having nothing to live for.

Like always, I ached for him. When he left the first time, I was desolated in the same way. The rising and setting of the sun meant nothing to me. Every day was just a painful blur. Without him in my life, I didn’t know how to live anymore.

No matter what either one of us did, we were constantly pulled back to each other. Together or apart, we couldn’t escape. Our lives traveled on the same line, and while there were breaks in its continuity, it never faltered on its course.

His eyes burned for my touch, needing me to comfort him in a way only I could accomplish. After everything we’d been through, my soul was still tightly wrapped around his. They formed a tangled mess that couldn’t be pulled apart. I felt weak, my defenses coming down.

Hawke closed the gap between us and cupped my face with both of his hands. His fingers dug into my hair slightly and they felt warm to the touch. The second his hands were on me, I felt lighter than air. His embrace brought a type of comfort that couldn’t be duplicated by anything else.