Weight Loss for People Who Feel Too Much (15 page)

If you're ready to give up, again, go back to Step One and work with those techniques a little longer. If you've spent a lifetime keeping a lid on your feelings because they seem big and scary, you may need extra time to slowly move forward into Step Two.

Bargaining can also happen in the moment when you're tempted by a noisy food. You tell yourself that you really are choosing the chocolate consciously even though a little voice inside you is saying,
Hello?
Hello?
I really don't want to eat this—are you listening? I want you to stop!
You're so overwhelmed by the need to rebel and resist that you silence that voice, saying to yourself,
I don't care what I committed to! I need relief now.
You don't think about the consequences because your need for relief is too intense.

One of the participants in my Weight Loss for People Who Feel Too Much class asked, “How can I not be crazy and fat?” I had to laugh, because that is the central question, blunt though it may be. How can we stop the disordered eating and not be discombobulated by our emotions? How can we manage our emotions and resist the call of our noisy foods that pack on the pounds? We can do it by letting go of the denial that we don't have a lifelong problem with empathy overload and disordered eating. We can do it by surrendering to the roller-coaster process of angry, sad, angry, sad, bargain, sad, angry, bargain, and so on. Own the truth that you're in a difficult process and that you're being courageous in letting go of your resistance.

Finding a reason to give up on yourself and the program is a form of resistance. If you give up, try again. Let go of yesterday. Pick up where you left off.

GOOD-BYE TO SADNESS

In owning the truth that you can't go back to your old ways of distorted eating and out-of-control empathy overload, you have to acknowledge your losses. You're losing food as your tool for self-nurturing. You're letting go of the image of yourself as someone who can avoid pain. You're letting go of the false belief that you are very much in control, and that you're someone who can say, “Screw it!” and eat the cake because she deserves to have it, and then not suffer any consequences for making that choice. Who wants to let go of that belief?

Yes, it's sad that you can't have what you want, when you want it, without paying the consequence. It's sad that you can't easily control your emotions, your empathy, and your response to your noisy foods, as some people seem to. On the other hand, being trapped in the cycle of emotional overload, binge, self-loathing, self-denial, emotional overload, and so on is much sadder. The sadness, like the anger and resentment, will dissipate like a big chunk of ice that slowly melts away a little more each time you bring it into the light of self-awareness and self-acceptance. Feeling sadness or anger is painful, but it's soft pain. Hard pain is what you experience when you overeat or when you beat yourself up, and it's much worse than soft pain.

It's easier to accept all these losses I've described and own your truth when you discover new sources of support and new ways to become more self-compassionate. In Step Two, it's important to develop three new habits: to make a point of experiencing joy, to become appreciative of your body, and to awaken your sense of being loved and cared for by a power greater than yourself.

NEW HABIT #1: SAY HELLO TO JOY

Beethoven's Ninth Symphony includes the “Ode to Joy,” but we don't exactly sing joy's praises ourselves. In fact, we tend to devalue joy as something that's nice but elusive, and certainly nothing to put much thought into. Doesn't joy auto-load in our lives when we do everything right? Not exactly! When we're happy, wow, do we appreciate feeling joy. When we're sad or feeling challenged, joy isn't on our radar. We forget that we're capable of feeling it. After a while, it starts to feel as if joy is something we have no control over, as if our situations are responsible for our inner feelings. Nothing could be further from the truth.

If you're like many people, you develop “joy amnesia” until you experience it accidentally and think,
Hey, I forgot how good this feels!
How often have you found yourself laughing and smiling, and thinking,
I should do this more often
. Yes, you
should,
but you don't, do you? It's amazing how often we people who feel too much, who are trying too hard to be good people and care for others, forget to experience happiness
.
Commit to feeling joy more often! There's a whole field of psychology called
positive psychology
that's focused on helping people to identify what makes them feel happy and do whatever it is that leads them to happiness. It seems obvious—do what makes you feel good—but we get a lot of messages about containing our happiness, not being
too
happy or happy too much of the time. We've internalized messages like, “If I'm too happy, I'm tempting fate and something awful will happen,” or “If I'm too happy, other people will feel jealous, so I should be careful not to express my happiness,” or “If I'm happy, it's because I'm selfish and not working hard enough, because life is difficult and painful.” All sorts of ridiculous ideas end up in our heads, sabotaging our joy. Being joyful is our birthright.

What makes you feel energized and happy? Bring it on! Indulge in a funny or romantic movie; watch videos of your favorite pop songs from your youth on social media; hang out on the porch with some old friends, laughing about the absurdities of life. Play a game that makes you feel silly, like a kid. Spend some time around children who encourage you to lighten up and be goofy. Wade into a lake with your jeans on—no one's going to yell at you for getting them dirty and wet now, because you're an adult and you own a washing machine! Seriously, how much do we all hold back from doing something fun because we've got some inner voice saying,
Ooo, that's irresponsible, don't do it!
?

Be spontaneous and adventurous. Pull over your car when you see a county fair and buy a ticket for the spinning ride that makes you dizzy. If you always wanted to take a salsa dancing class, call a friend and ask him to join you, then laugh together if you find yourselves completely inept compared to the so-called beginners surrounding you.

When I turned 53, I got my motorcycle license and now I ride a stunning Softail Deluxe Harley Davidson motorcycle. Although it scared the pants off me in the beginning, I get so much joy feeling the wind against my body and riding along the winding back roads and down the main road by the sea coast where I live. I feel joy in the accomplishment and joy in the freedom it gives me! And I don't care how goofy I look. I make a point to smile when I ride, too.

Do you like to play a musical instrument? If you think you're not very good at it, so what? Play it anyway. No one's judging you. Sing—in the shower, in the laundry room, in the car. Sing out of tune. Who cares? Dance. Draw. Garden. If you don't know what activities make it easy for you to feel joyous, think about it (one of the journal questions in this step is about identifying these activities). Maybe you simply haven't tried enough fun activities to find one that really brings out happiness in you. Try something new. Tag along with someone else to an activity they enjoy. If you don't like it, congratulate yourself for stepping out, and keep looking for activities that make you happy.

People who are positive and who laugh a lot make it easier to connect you to your joy. Make a point of spending time with them. Your environment can make a difference, too. Spend time in a place that fills your senses with delight, whether it's an art museum, a horticultural center, or a gorgeous room with a view of a lake or ocean. Paint the room where you spend the most time a color that invigorates or soothes you. And try the following exercise, which will help you be more aware of how you can adjust your physical environment and make it easier to feel not just comfortable in your space but also happy and even joyous.

CREATING AN EXTERNAL SANCTUARY OR HAPPY SPACE

When you create an inner sanctuary using the IN-Vizion Process, and visit it often, you'll find it easier to shift out of sadness, anger, or fear and into happiness and peacefulness. However, don't underestimate the power of creating an external “happy space” where you live or work. You don't have to redecorate your entire home, but become aware of your surroundings and how they make you feel, then put forth the effort to make your space more conducive for experiencing joy.

People who feel too much can be exquisitely sensitive to the emotional charge an object or space holds. Are you surrounded by a cacophony of stories encapsulated in your stuff? Do you own furniture that belonged to someone you didn't particularly like or you had a troubled relationship with, and you're afraid to let it go because “It's worth some money” or “it would be stupid to buy something new, so I should get over myself and my feelings”? If every time you look at that object you inwardly wince, stop being practical and replace it. If your closet is full of clothes that whisper to you, “What's wrong with you? Why don't you wear me like you used to? Because you don't have an important job position anymore, nyeah, nyeah, nyeah,” shut them up. Get them out of your space.

Once you've eliminated the possessions that wear you down, make you sad, or cause you to be irritable, bring in the possessions that make you feel good, that carry a positive emotional charge. A friend of mine keeps her childhood dolls in her office because they remind her of her rich imagination as a little girl, and they bring her back to the joyful times she spent playing with them. She's in her fifties and couldn't care less if a visitor thinks she's strange having dolls around her desk. It makes her happy.

Put up photos from your cruise or a girlfriend's weekend, use your grandmother's letter opener every day so you can remember back to the magical times you spent at her house playing at her desk—in short, recognize the value of surrounding yourself with reminders of what makes you happy.

NEW HABIT #2: EXPRESS GRATITUDE TOWARD YOUR BODY

The battle against your beautiful, healthy body ends here. Call a truce! Even if your body isn't everything you want it to be, even if your health isn't perfect, your body is well enough to serve you in many ways. Love your body as it is right now and be grateful to it. Although your true identity is as a spiritual being, your body allows you to experience joy here on earth. Affirm
I am strong and healthy. I am only attracted to food that's good for me, that nourishes my wonderful body. Everything that I am resonates health and well being.
Try doing this while you walk because it will help you to be aware of your body's strength as you put one sturdy foot in front of another.

It's especially important to love the parts of you that you don't want to accept. Here's an exercise for loving your body that you can do before a meal to help you appreciate your body exactly as it is right now.

LISTENING TO YOUR BODY

Before a meal, take several deep, slow breaths. Focus on your body and what it feels like to inhabit it. Feel its strength.

Imagine that your body has a voice. What does it sound like?

Do different parts of your body sound differently or the same?

What other impressions are you aware of? Ask your body,

What do you need?

If you discover that any part of your body is in discomfort or pain, ask that part of your body to speak to you. Ask this part of your body,

How are you serving me?

What gift do you have for me?

What do you need from me?

Listen the answers.

How are you feeling? Are you hungry right now?

If you feel you want to change the food that is on your plate before you, do so. Then sit down again.

Thank your body for sharing its wisdom with you.

NEW HABIT #3: NURTURE A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR HIGHER POWER

A third habit that will help you with acceptance, or in owning your truth, is opening up to support from what I call Spirit, or a higher power.

I know some of you are very resistant to thinking about God, Spirit, or a higher power because you've been treated badly by others in the name of religion, or have seen others hurt by people who call themselves religious. I totally understand that resistance. Or maybe you're fine with it, and Jesus is your savior and your weight-release partner. But when I talk about Spirit or a higher power, I'm not talking about religious beliefs or theology. I'm talking about creating and fostering a relationship with a loving, supportive force that offers respite from the constant pressures of life. This force is collaborative, providing wisdom, guidance, and energy to help you create the life you long for. It is compassionate and loves you unconditionally. It provides for you in many ways, although it may not seem that way because our vision of what we need isn't as complex and sophisticated as it would be if we could view the fabric of our lives from an eagle's point of view, which Spirit can do.

I have a friend who was angry at God because she developed an autoimmune disorder. She felt it was unfair because she thought of herself as a good person who was always sacrificing for others. Then, as time went on, she came to realize that the autoimmune disorder awakened in her a greater awareness of how she was not nurturing herself, and how she could help others to awaken to their need to be self-loving. She realized that, given the path she was on, she might never have experienced the deep personal growth she did and begun working as a healer, if it had not been for the “gift” of an autoimmune disorder. That is, the challenges of her disease were outweighed by her sense of purpose. Back when her doctor first gave her the diagnosis, she had no idea that something good would come out of the bad news he was giving her.

Some of you may feel more comfortable referring to Spirit as God the Father, or He. Don't let me stop you! I just prefer to emphasize the female aspects of the divine force: the qualities of being nurturing, creative, and collaborative. When we connect with Spirit, we experience maternal love and unconditional acceptance, the gentle encouragement to discover our own solutions and create the lives we want with the help of Spirit instead of feeling powerless in the face of fate or destiny. If you grew up thinking that the only way to get God's attention was to admit to how powerless and lowly you are, that belief system can stand in the way of self-love and self-compassion. As you've learned, it's incredibly hard to follow through on your commitment to nurture and love your body when you're feeling terrible about yourself. It's hard to let go of the illusion of power you get when you isolate from others, fight the world by being rebellious, or try to micromanage it through perfectionism—unless you tap into your true power: the power to collaborate with Spirit.