What About Charlie? (26 page)

Tomorrow she was scheduled to have x-rays taken of her hip to learn if it was completely healed. If it was, she could finally get some normalcy back into her life! She could once again do all the little things she had been unable to do before like bend and tie her shoes or sit and shave her legs. She might even be able to lift and carry things over a few pounds. Once things started getting back to normal, it was her hope that her depression would lessen.

The next morning Charlie took her time getting dressed. She was meeting Evan for lunch at the hospital cafeteria before her appointment. They hadn’t eaten there together in almost six months. It would be like old times. At least Charlie hoped so. In her mind, this was the perfect opportunity to set things right.

But she’d be lying if she didn’t admit she was feeling apprehensive, nervous - partly because she had no idea what she would say to Evan and partly because she was going to be in his domain, around his friends and colleagues. They were going to stare at her as she limped in with her cane; they would give her polite smiles. They would feel sorry for her.

But she was determined not to let her fears keep her from going. This was an important step, and if she expected to get back to a normal life, this is what she was going to have to do.

****

Evan nervously glanced towards the cafeteria entrance. Charlie was running late. Where could she be? She was never late. Not that he was clamoring to be in her company, but nevertheless he worried about her - especially since she started driving once again.

Evan was terrified of loosing her because their relationship was in chaos. Charlie was very special to him. But he couldn’t bring himself to be near her, to share her life and for her to share his. The hurt and pain from her rejection was still too raw. He made sure she had everything she needed from having a roof over her head to food and clothing to the best medical care available. But that’s where it ended. He could provide nothing else – that was what she wanted. It was definitely something he didn’t want, but more than anything he respected Charlie and would acquiesce to her wishes. But doing that was definitely not easy. That was why he went to work early, came home late and worked nearly seven days a week. When he did take a day off, he made sure he always had something to do, something that didn’t include her.

Nevertheless, he had to admit that a part of him was looking forward to their lunch together today. The times when he and Charlie had lunched were special and memorable; he missed them. He hoped somewhere between the hurt and awkwardness they could find some common ground and recapture what had been between them. The silence, the living as strangers was emotionally draining and frankly wearing thin. They couldn’t go on living that way forever.

When he finally spotted her coming in the entrance, he immediately felt relief. Watching her as she looked around the cafeteria and started slowly walking towards him with the aid of her cane, he was struck by her simple beauty, the paleness of her skin, her fragility.

But she was a different Charlie than he knew before. She no longer carried herself with quiet confidence. She was no longer the vibrant woman who could instantly brighten a room with her smile. Now, there was pensiveness about her as she came further into the room. Glancing nervously from left to right, she avoided eye contact with anyone who looked her way. Her smile was nowhere to be found. Instead, her lips were drawn into a thin, determined line.

What had happened to his Charlie? Why hadn’t he noticed how much she had changed?

Holding her cane tightly in her hand, she slowly weaved her way through the tables. Her limp had not gotten any better. That worried the hell out of him. He and Alan had talked about it on and off several times. Alan had been of the opinion that Charlie may always have the limp. Evan hadn’t wanted to believe it, but he realized his personal feelings had been impairing his professional judgment. Watching her, he had a sinking feeling that Alan had been right.

At the time, when Alan had made that observation, Evan had decided not to say anything to Charlie. It had been too early to say she was going to limp for the rest of her life. She still had a lot of healing to do. Besides, telling her that would have discouraged her. Nor did he want to step in the role of physician to her. Alan was her doctor and was doing a damn fine job. He wasn’t about to interfere with his friend’s doctor/patient relationship with Charlie.

But now she was healed. And Alan would know for sure what her long-term prognosis would be. He had done the same with his patients. With a sinking feeling, he realized today she was going to be told. This was going to be difficult, and he had to make sure that he helped her deal with the blow.

When she drew close, he stood and pulled out a chair for her. “Charlie.”

“I’m sorry I’m late. I don’t drive as fast as I used to.” A brief smile touched her lips.

As she moved around him to sit down, her faint flowery perfume trailed after her. He couldn’t help but think about all the times she had kissed his cheek in greeting, her faint perfume tickling his nose. Until now, he hadn’t realized how much he had come to enjoy and cherish her sweet kisses. He hadn’t realized how much he needed them.

Taking a seat, Evan leaned back in his chair and studied her. How had they drifted so far apart? Not too long ago Charlie had been the one person he felt totally at ease with. They could talk about anything – well almost anything. There were never any awkward silences or uncomfortable moments between them. They had always been totally at ease with each other.

“I’ve missed our lunches, Charlie.”

Her eyes widened slightly in surprise, then she quickly assumed a blank expression. “You’ve been so busy lately.”

The old Charlie would have come out and told him that he’d been avoiding her, which, of course, he had. He was saddened to see that through all the turmoil, she’d lost that fire that had always ignited her soul, that had always caused her to be so direct, the fire that had always made her so alive. She had never been reluctant to say exactly what needed to be said. That was on of the things he liked and admired most about her.

“I have, but I need to take time for myself, for you, for us,” Evan said seriously. “I could be doing a lot better.”

Charlie searched his eyes, touched by his admission. “To be honest, neither one of us has been handling things very well lately, have we?”

Evan shook his head. “I’m sorry I haven’t done better, Charlie. Things have been difficult. For both of us, albeit more for you.”

“We were married under less than conventional circumstances, Evan. I didn’t expect things to be all roses…” she confessed, her voice fading into almost a whisper.

Impulsively, Evan reached across the table and covered her hand with his. He flashed her a reassuring smile. “This whole marriage thing is new to both of us. Things will get better, Charlie. We just have to work on it. I’m willing, are you?”

Charlie looked back up at him, a smile that reached her eyes graced her face. “Yes.”

Evan felt his heart lift; he felt as if ten pounds had been lifted off his shoulders. Finally, he had some hope for them, hope for a happy future together.

It was like old times, Charlie thought. She had missed this part of her life so much. It wasn’t so much the lunch, though it was nice. What she had missed and had needed so much was merely being with Evan. Instantly, the lights in the cafeteria seemed brighter, the food she was eating tasted better, and most importantly, she felt better. It was as if anything was possible, everything would be ok with him there with her. What she hadn’t realized until now was that she needed Evan. She needed his support, his warm smile directed at her; she needed to know he cared.

And he did care.

During their lunch, they laughed and joked, talked about the Rams’ dismal season and the upcoming hockey season with the St. Louis Blues.

“Over the summer,” Evan said, after taking a sip of his Coca Cola, “I repurchased the season tickets for the Blues.”

“The same seats?” she asked, her eyes glittering with excitement. The ones they had had been center ice and five rows up from the action. They had been perfect.

“The same seats,” he confirmed. “I know we’ve missed the first couple months of the season, but there’s plenty of season left. When they play on the weekends, we’ll go. If you want…”

Of course, she was being silly. Probably no one would even notice, but she still felt self-conscious. With the limp and the cane, she didn’t feel whole. It was like she was damaged goods and would never measure up.

“Hi, Dr. Collier.”

Charlie looked up to see a pretty young woman in flower print scrubs walking towards them. Charlie watched Evan as he shifted his eyes from her to the young woman. Appreciation filled his eyes as they flicked over her slim, graceful body, then up to her pretty face. Her blue eyes sparked, her skin glowed, her dark hair shimmered. A smile, full of pleasure and appreciation, lit up his face.

Charlie glanced back up at the woman, then back to Evan, feeling like meatloaf next to t-bone steak. At that moment she suddenly wished she had never married him. To be honest, she didn’t have looks, she walked with a limp, and most importantly she didn’t have his love.

He could he sleeping with her a little voice taunted. She didn’t want to think Evan would do that. He was too good a man.

Charlie nodded and said “nice to meet you” when Evan introduced her to the woman whose name she learned was Candy.

Shifting her gaze back to Evan, Charlie studied him. Would he do that? Could he do that? He had the opportunity, but she couldn’t believe he would do that. Evan wasn’t that way. But he’d disappointed her before, couldn’t he disappoint her again?

Charlie didn’t know what to think. Candy left, leaving strained silence in her wake. Feeling bereft, Charlie looked at her watch and said without looking at him, “It’s almost time for my appointment with Alan.”

***

Alan looked from Evan to Charlie, then back to Evan again. Evan shifted in his seat and sighed. The air was crackling with strain. During their walk to the office, Charlie hadn’t spoken to him and had refused to look at him. Now, she sat ramrod straight in the leather wing chair beside him, her back not even touching the chair.

Everything had been great until he’d mentioned taking in some hockey games. Charlie had been concerned about walking with her cane. Evan suspected she was extremely self-conscious walking with a limp and having to use a cane. Before he could reassure her, Candy had arrived. And things seem to go downhill at lightning speed from there.

Alan leaned forward and folded his hands, moving the x-ray taken of Charlie’s hip to the side. “Your x-ray looks good. You’re hip is completely healed, which is very good. Considering the type of break in your hip, you’ve healed well.”

“It did, Charlie. Doing therapy doesn’t guarantee that you will walk normally again, it just helps you get to your full potential. For a patient with your type of injury, you’ve done very well. I’ve had patients who’ve had to use walkers and even worse – they’ve been wheelchair bound.”

Angrily she stood. “Save it, Evan. I don’t want to hear your excuses. You’re supposed to be my friend, my husband. Frankly, I don’t know what or who you are to me anymore!” She covered her mouth with her hand, holding back a sob, rushing as fast as she could with her cain into the private bathroom in Alan’s office.

“I honest to god don’t know what to do. I tried to do the right thing. I didn’t want to discourage her from doing her therapy nor did I want to give her a medical diagnosis when I am not her doctor. Ethically, I cannot do that. I’m too personally involved.”

“I know, Evan. This has come as real blow to her. I told her in the beginning she may not walk normally, that there was a chance either way but she chose to believe she was going to walk normally. That’s normal.”

“I think she despises me, Alan. Since our wedding, things have gone downhill. We’ve hardly spoken. Hell, we don’t even sleep together. It’s a damn mess. Instead of helping her, I think I’ve hurt her more in the long run.”

“You’ve got to help her through this, Evan.”

“I know.” He ran a hand through his hair. “It’s so much easier when you’re a physician in this type of situation. You can maintain a professional distance. You can look at the situation objectively. But when you’re personally involved all the confusing emotions, all the despair, all the heartache about drive you crazy. I feel like I’ve been climbing up a steep cliff with the top nowhere in sight. I can’t stop. I can’t go back down. I have to keep going, and I can’t let go for fear I’ll plunge to my death.” Evan stood and went to stand in front of Alan’s’ office window. “I’ve never had to deal with anything like this before. I don’t know how to proceed.”