What if I Fly? (7 page)

“I’m moving to DC next week,” he sighs, lying down on the dock, “That doesn’t give me much time.”

“Did you think you were going to win her heart in a week?” she laughs, “And then what? Disappear for weeks at a time?” Ellie lies down beside him, her arms behind her head, “The situation is different now.”

“How so?”

“You two had a fire raging and you doused it pretty good. Is the spark still there?”

“For me, yes. I’m not sure about Julia. We get close, then she pulls away.”

“Sorry, brother, I don’t have any words of wisdom for you. If it’s meant to be, it'll be. You can’t force this to happen. You can’t make her trust you.”

He sits up and grabs a rock, throwing it forcefully into the water. That’s not what he wanted to hear. He thought Ellie would be able to help him.

“I'm curious, why are you so anxious to turn this into a relationship now?” she asks. “You weren’t in any hurry over the past year. Why now?”

He pauses, considering whether he should tell her, then sighs.

“She’s seeing someone in New York. At least, she was. I’m pretty sure she hasn’t seen him since May.”

“How do you know this?” Ellie sits up, her eyes narrowing, “Did Julia tell you?”

“No, she hasn’t mentioned him at all. Her friend Gabby told me at her grandmother’s wake.”

“And now you’re desperate to declare your feelings to her?” Ellie lifts an eyebrow, “Because you’re afraid she’s going to run off with another guy?”

He stares at his sister, his brows drawn together and Ellie rises, shaking her head.

“Fucking men!” she hisses, and walks back to the house.

***

Julia’s floating on a raft in her pool beside Gabby and looks at the sky, watching the clouds transform as they drift by. She studies the billowing white shapes above her.
I see a mermaid…I see a horse.
She spent hours playing this game when she was little.
There goes a shark and a monkey… 

It’s been a month since her grandmother’s funeral and she’s seen Will almost daily since then, but she doesn’t want to think about him right now. All she wants is to relax, but Gabby is making it impossible.

“Jules, Will is crazy about you. What do you want to do?”

“Right now? I want you to close your mouth and leave me alone. Let me float in peace in my sea of tranquility.”

“Sea of tranquility?” Gabby jumps up and down in the pool, making waves, and splashing Julia, “How’s that for tranquility?”

“Okay, okay! Stop!” Julia shouts. With resignation, she realizes there will be no peace today, at least not until Gabby gets some answers. “I don’t know what I want. I enjoy his company. How’s that?”

“An unacceptable response.” Gabby’s lips are pursed, a furrow forming between her brows, “Julia, your grandmother’s last words,
Follow your heart!
What does your heart tell you?”

Julia raises an eyebrow. She doesn’t trust her heart. She let down her guard, and opened herself up to Will, only to have him prove she may have been right about love all along.

“My heart says it’s confused and to leave it alone. Why is that so hard for you to understand?”

“Are we back there? Really, Julia? Sweetie, you’re gonna have to open your heart to someone, sometime,” Gabby sighs, “Why not Will?”

“Because of the Montagues and the Capulets.”

“Who?”

“From
Romeo and Juliet
. We’re star-crossed lovers, from different worlds, just like in
Romeo and Juliet
, and look how that turned out!”

“Oh my god. You’re comparing your situation to
Romeo and Juliet
? Your families are not at war! Julia, please take this seriously,” Gabby begs. “Please? For just one minute?”

“Why does this matter so much to you? We’re talking about my love life here, not yours! Ever since Gram’s funeral you’ve been pushing Will on me. Why? You hardly know him!”

“I want you to take a risk for once! Tear down the goddamned wall you’ve built, like they did in Berlin, one cement block at a time.”

“Nice touch, Gab. Trying to lure me in with a history reference. Can’t you see that I don’t need a man to be happy? I’m quite content on my own, thank you.”

“Exactly, which is how I know you’re ready for this. If Will came into your life two, three years ago, no way. You weren’t ready to be in a relationship back then, but now? You’re ready, Jules. Don’t squander this chance with Will. You love him, I know you do. And, Jules, he loves you, it’s written all over his face.”

Julia sighs, resting her arms on the raft.

“Gabby, you’re right, I’ve never felt anything like this, and a few months ago I was willing to take that chance, but after that wedding…Love isn’t always enough. You have to be able to live together, co-exist on the same playing field. Our lives are too different.”

“How can you say that? You grew up in the same town. You were both raised Catholic. So his parents live in a fancy house, he attended private school, and has a trust fund? Who cares? You aren’t from different freakin’ planets! His family likes you. Does it really matter if the people he grew up with are narrow-minded assholes? They don’t mean anything.”

“That’s where you’re wrong, Gabby. You weren’t at that wedding. You didn’t see what I saw or feel what I felt. I am not welcome there, Gab, not unless I’m in a maid’s uniform. Will can’t stay away from that life forever. Right now he’s angry with them, but it’ll pass, and he’ll be right back at the yacht club, acting like someone stuck a pole up his butt. Talking about Figawis and trips to Aspen.”

“You’re too young to be this cynical, Jules.”

“I don’t think I’m cynical, Gab, I’m trying to be realistic! Fine. Let’s take his friends out of the equation. Will just got a job in Washington, DC! He’s moving there next week. Logistics! I’ll be in New York, he’ll be in DC. That’s over three hours away. How can that work? I still have another year of school. We’d hardly ever see each other. Why bother starting something that doesn’t have a chance of getting off the ground? It just doesn’t make sense.”

“See!” Gabby throws her hands up in frustration. “That’s your problem right there! Love doesn’t make sense. You just have to be willing to take a chance.”

“Well, I’m not willing. Not now.”

“Really? Then answer this question and I’ll leave you alone. If you’re not willing, as you say…why do you spend every night with him?”

Julia reclines on the raft and folds her arms across her chest, clenching her jaw tight to keep from saying the words that instantly came to mind…
because I can’t stay away from him…

“Can’t answer that one, huh?” Gabby snorts. “Fine. I’ll keep my mouth shut.”

Chapter Six

Summer will soon turn to fall, the evenings already have a chill in the air as Julia prepares to begin her final year of college. After this year she’s officially on her own, and it’s a liberating, albeit scary thought. As horrible as things are with her father, he still pays her tuition and her rent. They’ve never discussed it, but Julia assumes her dad will end her support as soon as she graduates. She’s always had safety nets, and come June, they’re gone.

She’s moving into her first real apartment this weekend and has been packing for days, going through boxes of her grandmother’s dishes, silverware, pots and pans before everything is sent to Goodwill. She doesn’t want to use her savings if she doesn’t have to.

Julia and her friend Rhonda found an off-campus apartment in Brooklyn Heights, a relatively short subway ride from her university. It’s small, with two bedrooms, an eat-in kitchen, and a decent sized living room with an incredible view of the Manhattan skyline and the Brooklyn Bridge.

Will has called her often since his move to Washington last month, but he hasn’t shared much about his new life. He seems to like his job, has gone out for drinks with people from the office a few times, and been to a couple of Red Sox-Orioles games in Baltimore, but other than that… nothing. She’s tried to pry details from him, but he hasn’t been very specific.

She hopes he’s making new friends in Washington. If he had Ellie’s huge, outgoing personality she wouldn’t worry, but his shyness can be misconstrued as aloofness, and that could be a problem. She doesn’t want him to be lonely. On the flipside, maybe his reluctance has to do with a woman. He could be dating someone and doesn’t want to tell her. How would she feel if he was dating another woman? Her stomach twists into knots at the thought.

Before he moved Will made it pretty clear he wanted to pick up where they left off before the wedding, but she chose to keep the status quo. It wasn’t easy. All of their late night swims, bonfires on the beach, walks through the woods, talking until dawn. Time passes so quickly when they’re together.

By the time he left for Washington, DC she was thoroughly confused. Admittedly, she loves him, she wants him, but she doesn’t
trust him
. Not completely. He says he’s through with the people he grew up with and that world of pretense and privilege.
Is he really?
She doesn’t know. If she had the answer to that question, their relationship would be easy to decipher.

Old life? Friends. New life? Love. Simple!

There’s one thing she’s come to understand. It isn’t a matter of whether he can operate in her world or she in his. The question is can they create a world of their own? That’s the only way it’ll ever work between them.

Right now he wants her, but until he figures out the direction he wants his life to take and has the conviction to stand by his choices, she can’t risk getting involved with him.

Of course this wasn’t obvious to her when she was around him every day, but since he’s been gone, she’s gained perspective. She can’t lose sight of that, no matter what her heart desires.

“Are your parents helping you with the move?” Will asks during their now daily phone call. Lying across her bed with the cord wrapped around her hand, she stares at the boxes stacked around her bedroom.

“No. I’ve rented a U-Haul and I’ll be okay. I don’t have that much stuff.” Actually, she does, but she doesn’t want Will to feel sorry for her.

“Who is helping you then?”

“No one. I am moving myself into my apartment. Well, the bed and big stuff is being delivered earlier this week, but my clothes, books, and boxes, yes. I’m strong Will, I can handle it!”

“I’m going to meet you there,” he says without hesitation.

“What? No, you don’t have to do that…I’ll be fine.” She’s startled by his generous offer.

“Julia, I’ll drive up and help you. It’s no big deal. I don’t have any plans this weekend.”

She pauses, wondering if this is a good idea. Spending the weekend alone in her apartment with Will? That could be a disaster. She had a hard enough time limiting their touching to hugs, holding hands, innocent kisses, and a bit of snuggling in the weeks leading up to his move.

But over the past month her resolve returned. She thinks she could handle spending a day or two with him without getting intimate.

“Thanks Will. That’d be great. I think a friend of mine is having a party Saturday night. Would you like to come with me? Or do you want to go see your brother?”

“I’d love to go with you. Let me get a pen. I need your address.”

There’s a reason people with money leave New York City in the summer… it’s a hot mess. The sun beats down relentlessly on the city streets and sidewalks, steam rising, the air thick with humidity and the foul stench of millions of bodies confined to close quarters.

It’s slightly more bearable in Brooklyn, the trees lining the streets giving the impression of fresh air and more open spaces.

They planned their travels so they’d arrive in Brooklyn at approximately the same time. A little after ten Saturday morning, Julia pulls the rented truck up to her new apartment building and spots Will’s Jeep parked in front. He’s leaning against his car with a big grin, looking impossibly handsome in his khaki shorts and light blue t-shirt.

Her heart skips a beat at the sight of him, and she closes her eyes, takes a deep breath, and remembers the promise she made to herself before she pulled out of the driveway this morning.

Perspective! Do not let your heart take over rational thought.

“How long have you been here?” she smiles, stepping down from the cab of the truck.

“Just a few minutes. Good timing!” Will picks her up and swings her around. “It’s so good to see you Jules!”

“You too, Will,” she sighs, her resolve melting as his arms tighten around her. This is going to be much harder than she thought…

It takes them almost an hour to carry in all of her boxes. Her apartment is in an old brownstone and there’s no elevator, so they’ve had to carry everything up two flights of stairs with every trip.

Thank god Will’s here
, is the only thought running through Julia’s head by the time they finish. She thought she was going to pass out about half way through, though Will's done the majority of the heavy lifting, carrying three boxes for every one of hers.

She still can’t believe he drove three hours to help her move in. She’s so used to doing things for herself, it never occurred to her to ask anyone for help with this move. Having been the de facto adult in her life for so long… it’s nice to lean on someone for a change.

Once everything is in the apartment and her boxes are stacked in the appropriate rooms, Will opens his tool chest and goes straight to work, hanging curtain rods and shades, and putting her bookshelves together.

Watching him from the corner of her eye, Julia unpacks her clothes and books, then makes her bed, increasingly surprised by how organized and efficient Will is, qualities she’s never had occasion to witness before now.

“Do you need something?” Will asks, interrupting her musings.

“Huh? What?” she sputters, dropping a pillow.

“Julia, you’re standing there staring at me,” Will laughs. “I thought maybe you needed my help.”

She shakes her head, trying to snap herself out of her fog.

“No…no. Just tired.”

Will rises and massages her shoulders, and it feels so good, she tilts her head back and leans against him, a groan escaping from her lips.

“Do you want to take a break?” Will whispers in her ear, sending waves of desire through her body, her knees almost buckling beneath her.

Julia turns around and studies his face, can see the longing in his eyes, a reflection of her own. She’s bites her lip, the heat rising to her cheeks, and takes a step back.
This isn’t supposed to happen
, she reminds herself, and folds her arms across her chest, a barrier between them.

"Sure,” she forces herself to adopt a cheery tone, and turns away from him. “We’ve been at this forever.” Julia walks toward the door and straightens out her ponytail. “I’m starving. Let’s grab something at the deli around the corner. My treat.”

Will remains in the spot she left him, his eyes narrowing.

“I’ll go,” he says. “You get some rest.”

While Will’s out, Julia grabs a blanket, lays it across her bed and collapses with a sigh. That was a close call…way too close for comfort. And he seemed upset before he left. What is she supposed to do? They’ve only spent four hours together and she’s ready to cave. How is she going to make it through the next thirty-six hours?

They need distraction. There’s the party tonight…and she can take him sightseeing in the city tomorrow before work.
But what about the sleeping arrangements?
She never thought about where Will would sleep this weekend.
This is bad.
She set herself up for failure.

Julia closes her eyes, desperately trying to drown out her own thoughts, and was about to drift off to sleep when Will returns with their sandwiches.

“Jules?” he calls out as he enters the apartment, then sits on the edge of the bed, his hand on her arm and whispers, “Are you hungry?”

Mmm hmm,” she murmurs, her eyes closed.

Will rifles through the kitchen cupboards in search of glasses and plates.
I really should go into the kitchen and help him, he must be exhausted too.
But it feels so nice to be taken care of.

Will takes care of me.

The thought drifts into her consciousness and wakes her from her sleepy state. He’s been taking care of her since Gram died, from the moment she ran into his arms in his parents’ driveway. Even after he moved to Washington, he's called her regularly, checking in.

How did I not see this before now?
And what does it mean? Does he think she’s fragile? That she needs looking after? Or is it because of what happened at the wedding? That’s the most likely answer. Guilt is a big theme in Will’s life. She doesn’t want him to feel like he has to ‘make things right’ with her.

Will returns to the bedroom and sets their sandwiches down on the nightstand then hands her a glass of ice water and sits back on the bed while she studies him.

“Julia, you’re doing it again,” he raises an eyebrow and takes a bite of his sandwich.

“Will, you know you don’t owe me anything, right?”

“Where did that come from?”

“You’ve been so good to me…” she shrugs, “I know you feel bad about what happened at the wedding…We had a bad day. I don’t want you to do things for me out of guilt or a sense of obligation.”

Will sets down his plate and turns toward her, sliding his fingers through hers.

“Jules, I want to do things for you, help you if I can… because I care about you. No other reason.”

Her lips part and her heart pounds against her ribcage. Will leans in and kisses her softly, his hands cupping her face.

“Julia…I…”

Her eyes open wide. She knows what he’s going to say and she’s not ready for this. She covers his mouth, interrupting him.

“No… don’t say it.”

Will removes her hand, his forehead resting against hers.

“Why?” he asks, his eyes sad and hurt.

“Because it’s a four-letter word. Because once you say it you can’t take it back.”

She closes her eyes and he squeezes her hand.

“Julia, I won’t ever hurt you again.”

“Will…” she pauses, “No one can make that promise.”

The party is in full gear by the time they make their arrival. Earlier this afternoon, after the big talk, they took showers and napped for a few hours, then got a bite to eat before the party. They didn’t discuss the four-letter word again.

Will drove them over the Brooklyn Bridge and followed her directions to her friend Anna’s brownstone in Greenwich Village. The place is packed, people are sitting on the front steps and dozens more are crammed into the first floor of the building. Julia greets several friends as they make their way to the overcrowded backyard.

The yard is small, more like a patch of grass with brick walls enclosing the space, a mini fortress. Grass is a luxury in Manhattan and people pay a fortune for a bit of green. Fairy lights are strung up and a fire pit is roaring toward the back of the courtyard.

Julia grabs a couple of beers from the cooler near the door, hands one to Will, and leads him to the side of the patio where several of her friends are gathered. Will is soon engaged in a conversation with a couple of her classmates and Anna leads Julia across the courtyard.

“Hey gorgeous.”

“Brad!” Her heart stops beating and she holds her breath. “What are you doing here?”

She dated Brad briefly before she came home this summer. The match surprised a few of her friends. They said he wasn’t really her type, which translated, meant, he’s not an intellectual. But that’s the beauty of not getting emotionally involved! You don’t have a type
.