What the Lightning Sees: Part Two (2 page)

Luke and Ash had been constants in my life since before my parents’ deaths. There was no possibility they would leave me, and that’s what I needed. That was enough.

“So you’re going to go dressed like a puritan?” Ash asked.

“I’m going to wear what I always do. Nothing has changed.”

“His email though, Haven. It made my insides melt.”

“Yes and I replied. I told him it was fine, that I believed him and there were no hard feelings. But you get that things are different, don’t you? I can’t see him in the same way. Hearing that conversation changed things for me.”

“I’m not sure I do get it. He likes you—really cares about you. And you like him. Just because you had a road bump doesn’t mean you give up.”

It isn’t a road bump, it’s a wake-up call.
I was grateful that I hadn’t fallen deeper before I’d come to my senses. If I’d lost Jake once he’d become really important to me, it might just have finished me. I couldn’t lose anyone else.

“I need you to drop it. It’s done,” I said. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

I had to put a stop to the conversation. Part of me couldn’t wait to see him at our Monday morning meeting—I was desperate to hear how his trip to the US had gone but I couldn’t think like that now. We weren’t anything to each other anymore. Talking about him, thinking about him, made it worse—made the feelings about him bigger when all I wanted to do was have them disappear as if he’d never existed.

“Can you get that?” I asked her when the door buzzer went. “It’s likely Luke.”

“As long as I can leave Emma on the doorstep.”

I rolled my eyes. She wasn’t a big fan of Luke’s girlfriend, Emma, mostly because she was jealous. But also because Sunday nights with Emma were different. The three of us were a unit and Emma’s presence altered the dynamic. “I’ll get it, you freak.”

When I opened the door, Luke leaned forward and kissed me on the cheek, handing me a bottle of wine and a bag, which I hoped had stock cubes and broccoli in it. “Hey,” he said.

“Where’s Emma?” I asked.

“She’s not coming.”

I pursed my lips at him and he gave me a gentle shake of the head. His heavy eyes told me he didn’t want to talk about it.

“All the more for us.”

“How are you feeling about work tomorrow?” he asked.

“Fine. Why shouldn’t I?” I replied.

“You know, you’ll see Jake. I’m just asking.”

The truth was I didn’t feel fine but I desperately wished to. I wanted to be over him. I hated myself for looking forward to seeing him. I needed that part of me under control and back to normal so I could prove to myself I was back to Haven pre-Jake, that he hadn’t got under my skin. It was done. We were over before we began.

I took a deep breath and opened the door to the conference room, relieved to find I was the first one to arrive.

I set my pad, pen and Diet Coke down as I took my usual spot and then smoothed the stray wisps of hair back into my tight bun.
I can do this.

Within a few minutes, people started filing into the room and filling chairs. I kept my eyes on my to-do list, waiting for the seat opposite to become occupied with too-long legs and a wicked smile. I waited. And waited. But the chair remained free.

Robert arrived and called everyone to order. Had Jake deliberately avoided what had become his usual seat? I glanced down the table and then across. He wasn’t here.

He’d been due back from the US on Saturday. Where was he? His calls had slowed from all day, to three times a day, to a single call since my reply to his email. I had told him that I accepted his apology and that I understood that it wasn’t him that had picked me over Emily. And that was all true. I had added that it was also the case that I didn’t want to continue things between us, but I hoped that we would still be friends. I had to protect myself, and that meant I couldn’t have Jake in my life. Jake had the ability to pierce my armor and he had to be kept at a distance.

Maybe he was just late. Or perhaps he had told Robert he didn’t want to work at
Rallegra
anymore.

“First piece of news is that we’ve managed to replace Brad. We made an offer to a great
Marie Claire
photographer yesterday, so we’re hoping he’s on board within a month.”

I held my breath, waiting for Robert to say that Jake would continue to fill in until the new guy started, but there was no discussion of any interim help. No mention of Jake. I suppose I was meant to feel relieved. This should have felt like a reprieve, I was getting what I wanted, but instead my heart shrank in my chest.

“Haven?” Robert asked.

I looked up and found everyone staring at me. I hadn’t been listening.

“How’s the Sandy Fox piece coming along?” he asked.

“Good. I’ll let you have something later on in the day. I just need to pick the photographs. I was hoping to get them from J—Harry today.”

“Good. And your dating feature?”

“Yes, elite dating. There are a number of high-end agencies that have established themselves recently and I’m working on a piece centering around them. I want to interview them and their clients. The idea is to work out what rich men look for in women. Are these men searching for love, or just a quick shag and then it’s back to the day job because their career is really the only thing they can focus on? Do they want a housekeeper that puts out or a soul mate?” As I was explaining the concept to the meeting, I couldn’t stop images of Millie, Jake’s ex, from floating across my brain. Was she who he would end up with?

My idea would involve actually having a couple of dates with these men. I wouldn’t be undercover, because I needed the dating agencies’ cooperation. I was, after all, single. I’d write about the disastrous dates, the wealth, or the lack of spark. I suspected that these agencies were little more than high-end escort services for men who didn’t want to think of themselves as guys who needed to pay for it. It could be fun. I wouldn’t need to feel anything real. It would be easy to keep my distance. It would keep my heart safe and create a distraction.

Back at my desk, I scanned my in box and found an email from Jake. It said nothing other than he was attaching photos of the Sandy article.

My stomach cramped and I steadied myself against the table. The lack of covering message assured me that he understood there was no future for us. It was what the sensible part of my brain wanted. The bit of my body I was trying to ignore, the part that wanted him to never give up on me, slumped in defeat. But it was always for the best when my head ruled my heart.

I clicked on the photos. There were over a hundred. They were beautiful and seemed to capture the very essence of Sandy. Her almost-black hair was glossy and glamorous, her smile wide and generous. She came across as warm and sensuous. Jake had captured what she looked like, but more, he’d brought out her very best. Was this how he saw her?

When I clicked on the last picture my stomach jolted again. It was of me, on my own, staring directly into the camera. I barely recognized myself. My cheekbones were highlighted and some stray hairs had escaped my bun. I looked relaxed, my eyes seemed to dance and there was a small, secretive smile on my face. The picture captured how I felt when I forgot myself. When I was with Ash and Luke and we were just . . . us. Was this how he saw me? Did he know me like that?

Did I want him to?

Jake

“So you’re still sulking?” Beth asked me. I was sick of sitting at my desk in our guest bedroom all day and had decided to change my surroundings. It may have been a bad idea because now I had my papers spread across the dining table, and Beth had more access to me to give me a hard time. She rarely needed an excuse to bust my balls but since Haven and I had stopped seeing each other—assuming we had ever really started—that was where her attention was centered. She thought I’d given up too easily. She thought I should fight harder. I was trying not to think. I had Elemental Energy to concentrate on.

“I’m not sulking. I’m working. There’s a difference. I have a million things to do if I want Elemental Energy to achieve what it’s capable of.”

“I thought you had a month before the Palo Alto guy started?”

Could she not stop pushing? She’d been like this since I got back from California. Couldn’t she just leave things alone? Haven had made this decision, not me. I ignored her.

“So you have some time. I thought the new photographer at
Rallegra
didn’t start for a while? I’m sure Robert could still do with the help,” she continued.

“I have a lot to do. Robert will call me if he needs me. I’ve finished the Sandy piece. I wasn’t assigned to anything else.” I was pretty sure that the last place I should be was
Rallegra
. Haven wanted us to be “friends” but that was not something I could comprehend. If I couldn’t be with her, then I couldn’t see her.

“Keep telling yourself that, Jake. You should go in there, scoop her up in your arms and tell her how you feel.”

She had gone way past irritating. Haven had decided, it hadn’t been my choice. There was no point in revisiting all this stuff. Maybe I needed to go for a run. “Will you back off? Haven and I were . . . it was . . . It’s over. I’ve had far longer relationships. You didn’t seem to have a problem when Millie and I split up.”

“This is different and you know it. You like Haven. Millie . . . wasn’t worth it. I think you’re punishing her for pushing you away.”

There was no point in talking about this. Haven had been clear. She didn’t want anything from me. At least she’d responded to my email. When I saw she’d replied, I’d thought she’d finally come around and we would be able to move past this misunderstanding. After reading her very cool, calm response about how she accepted my apology and wanted us to be friends, I knew she was gone.

The shutters had come down.

Haven was no longer mine.

“How am I punishing her by giving her what she wants?” It was true I was angry at Haven. She’d not trusted me, or how she felt. She’d just shut down and pushed me out. I could cope with her crying in my arms or being mad with me, but just to walk away as if we’d been nothing? Maybe I was punishing her.

“Perhaps you’re determined not to allow yourself to be happy.”

“Thank you, Dr. Daniels. I’ve allowed myself to be happy with a lot of women. It’s not like I don’t date.”

“No you haven’t. You’ve fucked a lot of girls, but you’ve always been the one in control. You’ve never lost yourself; found a great love. More than that, you
choose
women that you are never going to fall in love with deliberately.”