What to Expect the Toddler Years (106 page)

Having one or both parents disappear from her life at this age—even temporarily—is understandably difficult for a toddler to deal with. Nevertheless, such separations are sometimes necessary. And once the traveler returns home, the fallout may be equally difficult to deal with.

Stress-related waking may be a response to a new baby-sitter, a new house, a new school, or a new sibling, as well as an absent parent. To sleep better during the night, the toddler under stress needs extra love and attention during the day, but not to the point of overindulgence. This could lead her to suspect that the treats and presents are hers because you feel bad, or wrong, for going away, which in turn could lead her to think you are securely under her thumb. But do arrange to spend as much fun time with her as possible until she’s feeling more secure. Plan some special outings that you know she will enjoy. But most importantly, hug her a lot, and remind her often of your love.

Changes in your toddler’s schedule while you were away may also leave her feeling unsettled, and thus, restless at night. Restoring her familiar routine as quickly as possible will help reassure her that everything has returned to normal with your return.

She may especially need reassurance at bedtime. When you tuck her in, relieve any fears that you’ll be leaving again any time soon by telling her that you’ll see her in the morning (especially if you went off last time after she was in bed). If she seems extremely panicky about you leaving the room and wants you to stay with her until she falls asleep, sit by her crib or bed (but don’t get in with her or take her into your bed) until you can safely slip away. After a few nights, she should feel more secure and you should be able to leave her while she’s still awake—your ultimate goal.

A teddy-bear sentry standing guard in the crib can bring comfort to a fearful toddler.

If she awakens in the middle of the night, go to her, and reassure her, but don’t stay for more than a few minutes. If she cries when you leave, don’t return for ten or fifteen minutes—by which point she will probably have fallen asleep. If not, keep returning to reassure her, at ever-longer intervals, until she has.

“Lately, our daughter has been waking up in the middle of the night weepy and shaken, as if she’s had a nightmare. Is this possible in someone so young?”

With the possible exception of horror film writers, who may use them as grist for their next grisly production, nobody enjoys a nightmare. As adults, at least, we have the advantage of being able to awaken realizing that it was “only a dream.” Young children, with their relatively limited experience, aren’t as good at distinguishing between a dream and reality, and don’t have this advantage. When a toddler wakes in the middle of the night, the wild animals, ghosts, monsters, or other frightening creatures that may have been besetting her in her dreams are still real and threatening.

Several factors can bring on bad dreams:
stress
(due, for example, to family discord or tension);
change
(night-mares are more common when there is a new baby-sitter, a move, a new school or day-care situation, a new bed or room);
pre-bedtime excesses
(of excitement, activity, or food);
illness
(a fever or certain medications can provoke a bad dream; check with your child’s doctor if the nightmares begin right after she starts a new medication). But the most common cause of nightmares in young children is an improved memory and a growing imagination unchecked by reason. And as a toddler’s imagination becomes more complex, so do her nightmares. The simple, unsettling images of her less-mature nightmares become more
clearly focused, and thus, more frightening. For help on how to identify a nightmare and differentiate it from a night terror, see page 314.

To help reduce the risk of nightmares and ease them when they strike, try the following:

Keep the time before bedtime tranquil. Avoid roughhousing, scary television or videos, scary storybooks. Don’t pretend to be a “big bad wolf” when you come to take her to bed, don’t play the “tickle monster” when you’re tucking her in.

After your toddler awakes, ask her to talk about her bad dream. She may feel better after she’s shared it with you. Help her express herself if her vocabulary is limited.

Tell her she’s safe. When a toddler awakes from a nightmare, she feels vulnerable and afraid. More than anything else, she needs reassurance that she isn’t in danger. Offer your toddler as much comfort as she needs; tell her that she’s safe, that you love her, and that her dream wasn’t real—it was make-believe, like a story in a book. Explain that everyone has bad dreams sometimes, even grown-ups. Your reassurance will be more credible if you stay calm yourself and don’t overreact.

Show her she’s safe. Turn on the light to show her that her room at night is just as cozy and secure as it is during the day; if she’d prefer to keep the light on for the rest of the night, let her. Or plug in a night-light. If she’s afraid of what might be lurking behind closet doors and under her bed, do a thorough “monster check.” If wall hangings, lamps, draped clothing, or other objects in the room take on a sinister shape in the shadows, rearrange or remove them. Taking her fears seriously, while helping her see that there’s nothing to be afraid of, should give her the confidence she needs to go back to sleep. If she has trouble going back to sleep, offer her a sip of water, and tell her you will sit with her for a little while.

Make sure she feels safe when you leave her. Your toddler feels very small compared to the nocturnal nasties that frighten her, and needs all the reassurance she can get.

In the morning, reinforce the feeling that she’s safe. Nightmares are often more memorable than other kinds of dreams, and even if a toddler doesn’t remember all the details, she may wake up next morning with a nagging feeling of anxiety. Let her talk about her bad dream, if she wants to, give her a little extra attention, and be especially sensitive to undercurrents of anxiety. Praise her, too, for having had the courage to fall back to sleep.

If you know of a stressful situation in your child’s life that may be contributing to the nightmares, try to do something about it.