What to Expect the Toddler Years (15 page)

If it becomes clear that your toddler’s never going to take to the babysitter while you’re in the house (no matter how many times you try to leave her, her arms remain stubbornly glued around your neck), it may be necessary to move to the next step (see below). Some toddlers won’t acquiesce to a parental alternative until Mommy’s and/or Daddy’s departure has left them with no other choice.

Finally, leave the baby-sitter and your toddler alone. Once they’re on fairly good terms (or as good as it’s going to get with you around, which in some cases may be awful), take a brief trip out of the house. (See the box on page 22 for parting tips.) Plan on returning in about fifteen minutes, but call first to make sure any crying has stopped. It’s preferable to return once your toddler has had a chance to cheer up. If she hasn’t stopped wailing after half an hour, head home anyway. Without appearing anxious or upset, calmly comfort her with a reassuring, “See? We went away, and we came back.” Greet the baby-sitter cheerfully, too, and instead of rushing her out the door, say good-bye with some fanfare, waving as she goes down the steps or gets into her car. Once the baby-sitter’s gone, quickly divert your toddler with a favorite activity. Message: Parents leave, parents come back, and life goes on normally.

Don’t succumb to the easy way out—having the baby-sitter arrive after your toddler is asleep for the night. Should she wake up for any reason (and it can happen on the night you go out even if it doesn’t happen routinely), she’ll be frightened and feel betrayed. Instead, have the baby-sitter show up while your toddler is awake. You can go through the bedtime ritual yourself with the baby-sitter looking on, and put your toddler to sleep, if you like. But should she call out for you in the middle of the night, she won’t be shocked to see an unfamiliar face hovering over her crib.

“My daughter doesn’t seem to have any problem separating from me—I’m the one with separation anxiety.”

Separation anxiety is probably as prevalent among parents as it is among their offspring. But like your toddler, you too can learn to let go.

There are a whole host of reasons why parents are not comfortable being separated from their young children. Some of these reasons are simply instinctive (similar to the instincts that compel lionesses to protect their cubs, and hens to hover over their chicks). Others are more complex. Often, examining why you’re reluctant to leave your
toddler can help you come to terms with your reluctance. Here are a few of the more common reasons for parental separation anxiety:

Inexperience with separation. If you haven’t left your toddler with a baby-sitter until now, the sooner you get the process started, the better for both of you.

Difficulty letting go. Most parents thrive on the parent–child relationship. But sometimes that relationship becomes too important—more so than anything else in the parent’s life. Though this bond may make for some splendid times early on, it can eventually stifle the child’s growth—as well as the parent’s. However difficult it may be for you to accept, you’re doing both of you a favor by occasionally leaving your toddler.

Anxiety about the child-care arrangement. Can anyone be as good a caregiver as me? Will that person protect and nurture my child emotionally, physically, and intellectually? Actually, if you’ve chosen your baby-sitter well and prepared her well, your child will almost certainly be in good hands. Keep tabs on the baby-sitter, however—even if she cares for your child only a couple of hours a week—to ensure that the care-giver continues to meet your standards.

Guilt about leaving. Even a parent who feels perfectly justified (for reasons financial, emotional, intellectual, or professional) in leaving a child can feel guilty. But if you give your toddler plenty of love and attention when you’re at home, and leave her in a good child-care situation when you’re not, you’re not a bad parent. Besides, separating from your child at least once in a while can benefit her social development and yours. She’ll expand her horizons by learning to interact with others (a skill that can make the transition into preschool a lot smoother), and you’ll expand your horizons by interacting with other adults occasionally or on a regular basis (which will enable you to return to parenting refreshed, and to make more of the time you do spend with her).

Guilt about your child’s reaction to your leaving. A toddler’s tearful pleas can make parents—especially those experiencing their own separation anxiety—feel guilty. On a subconscious level, your child’s crying may be intended to do just that. But those tears are almost always short-lived. Once the parent walks out the door and the child faces the choice between being miserable or having fun, she’s likely to opt for fun. The tears, whether real or crocodile, may make leaving harder, but they are rarely a sign that you shouldn’t go. Even daily crying, as long as it ends once you’ve left, is nothing to worry about. If your child’s crying raises concern about your child-care situation, see page 822.

Memories of separation anxiety from one’s own childhood. Some parents recall fears about going to school or about being left behind by their parents, and assume their own children will experience similar anxieties. That’s not necessarily so. All children are different, and yours may handle separation much more easily than you did. Tagging on emotional relics from your childhood to your child’s may create a problem where one does not exist.

A history of prematurity, serious illness, or disability. Many parents are loathe to leave a child they feel needs them every moment, though in fact, occasional breaks will benefit everyone. Even when the child has fully recovered, many parents continue to coddle and overprotect; they often harbor the secret fear that their child will suddenly fall ill again.

Jealousy of a caregiver. Though all parents want the best caregiver for their
children, many harbor the secret fear that the caregiver will do a better job than they’ve done—and, worse still, will become the favorite person in their child’s life. If that’s your concern, relax. Although children almost invariably become attached to a caring substitute caregiver, there’s no substitute for the real thing—and even the youngest toddler knows it. Loving parents, even those who work long hours, still manage to remain first in their little ones’ hearts. For tips on handling such jealousy, see page 827.