What Would Satan Do? (36 page)

Liam looked around to try to locate the man’s intended audience, but it didn’t look as if he’d directed his pronouncement to anyone in particular.  In fact, the rest of the men seemed just to ignore the man.  “I’m sorry?  You’ve … found her?” 

“Yes!” said the man with another manual flourish.  A couple of the other men stopped and looked up.  “She,” he said, “is the Whore of Babyon!”

The entire throng went bananas, whooping and hollering, high-fiving, and doling out triumphant fists pumps as if there weren’t a shortage of such things – which there isn’t, but still. 

One of the men stood suddenly, his body rigid.  He thrust his finger out in front of him, where it waggled crazily, as if it were a herring and he was trying to shake it to death.  His lips moved as if he were mumbling something to himself.  Finally, he seemed unable to hold back.  “Whore of Babylon!” he screamed. 

Festus spun to face Liam.  “See?  I told you!”

“What?” said Liam.  “No, you didn’t.”

“Yes, I did.  I said I know who she is.”

“I didn’t hear you say anything about the Whore of Babylon.”

“You weren’t listening,” said Festus, stroking his beard. 

“I heard everything you said, and you didn’t say that.”

“I thought it.”

“That’s not the same thing.”

“Well…”

“Not the same thing,” said Liam.  “And you need to stop stroking your beard before I yank it out.”

Lola, meanwhile, had spun to face her accuser.  “I’m not sure what that means,” she said, “but it sounds really bad, and I want you to take it back right now.”

“Mistress?”  A surprised and worried look came over his face, as if she’d just pointed out that he’d killed her dog.  “You want me to … take it back?”

“Yes, I want you to take it back.  Right now.”  She folded her arms across her chest, which had the dual effect of indicating her level of seriousness, and depriving the men of a view of the Promised Lands.

“Um, okay,” said the guy.  But then, under his breath, he muttered, “Whore of Babylon.”

The Whore of Babylon hesitated, and then, apparently deciding on an altogether different tack, attempted to put her pointy-toed Jimmy Chu into the guy’s abdomen, by way of his crotch.  Her well-motivated foot – being rather larger and rounder than, say, a knife or an ice pick – was hindered in its progress toward the man’s abdomen by a grouping of obstructive and rather sensitive anatomical components – to wit, his ‘nads.  The man’s internal organs were therefore preserved intact, and continued to function normally.  His external organ, on the other hand, suffered severe blunt trauma, and the man promptly fell over.  The other streakers turned to regard their fallen comrade.

“Come on,” said Liam, shoving the last naked guy between him and Lola out of the way.  Lola nodded and reached for his hand.  They threaded their way out of the crowd, with Raju following a few steps behind.

“Mistress, no!”  Three of the men threw themselves at Lola’s feet, grabbing her ankles to prevent her from disabling any more of their brethren.

The men began to chant.  “Whore of Babylon!  Whore of Babylon!”

Lola raised her eyebrows at Liam.

Liam pulled out his gun, and held it up in the air, pointing it straight up as if to suggest that, if they didn’t let go, he might shoot the hell out of the sky, or maybe kill a cloud.  “Okay, guys,” he said.  “It’s time for the Whore – uh, her – to go.” 

The men called Liam’s bluff, swarming him and smacking the gun out of his hand.  They moved quick for naked guys, which is to say that they moved without the awkwardness that might encumber more self-conscious naked people.  Liam fell backward, and only avoided smacking his head on concrete because there were fleshy, uncovered bits in the way. 

One of the naked men grabbed the gun, and stood over Liam.  He pointed the weapon at Liam’s head, took a deep breath, and pulled the trigger.  There was a pop, and then everything got very quiet.

Chapter 46.
          
Blasted Bits and Way Too Many Ralphs

“Liam!” screamed Lola.  She tried to claw her way through the throng.  “Liam!”

“It’s okay, Mistress,” said the man who’d pulled the trigger.  “It’s okay.” 

“No!  Fuck you!  It’s not okay.”  She grabbed a hunk of his hair and yanked his head down while bringing her knee up.  There was a disgusting cracking sound, and the man collapsed, holding his face.  The gun clattered to the ground. 

Raju picked it up, and then glanced around as he were looking for something.  He hesitated for a second, and then shot one of the guys in the crotch.  The man’s nethers exploded into a fine mist that sprayed all over his companions.  That – being coated in blood and bits and pieces of the guy’s bits and pieces – and the sound of the panicked, frantic screaming and wailing coming from the shot guy seemed to break the spell over the amorous, nude guys.  It was also very disgusting.  One of the soldiers vomited.  Then Raju urped up a bit of whatever he’d had for lunch.  That set off a chain reaction of gagging and full-blown vomiting all around, which only compounded the disgustingness of the situation.

“Liam!” said Lola.  She shoved past naked guys, many of whom were still engaged in post-Ralphing coughing, sputtering, and gasping for air, and made her way toward where she’d seen Liam fall.

“What’s up?” asked Liam.  He shoved aside the naked guy who lay on top of him and stood, looking a little dazed, but completely free of bullet holes in his cranium.

“Oh my God!”  She threw her arms around him.  “You’re okay?  How did—?  I don’t understand.  He shot you!  I saw it!”

“Holy shit, dude!” said Raju.  “That was magical!”

Festus just stared, open-mouthed, and shook his head.  “How—?”

Liam let go of Lola, and turned to his Messianic friend.  “I don’t know.  I saw the bullet.  I actually saw it.  But … I’m okay,” he said.  “I’m fine.”

Festus hugged him.  And then Raju joined in.

“Enough,” said Liam.  Raju let go, but then decided he wanted more, and embraced his boss again.  “Raju, please stop.  We need to get out of here.” 

They exited the throng and picked their way around military trucks, trying to keep away from the clumps of soldiers.  The naked guys suddenly all seemed to be a little more concerned with their nakedness than with dealing with their Mistress and her friends, so Lola, Liam, and the two losers were quickly able to put a few meters between themselves and the horde.

“Man,” said Festus, “that was harsh.  You
shot
that guy.  In the – in the dong!”

“Dude, wasn’t that amazing?” asked Raju.

“Um, no,” said Festus.  “It was the most fucked up thing I’ve ever seen.”

“No, dude.  It was cool.”

“You fucking
shot
that guy,” said Festus.  “And
dude
!”  He flung his arms out to his sides and turned to look back at the throng of naked guys just as a group carried their wounded friend away.  “You fucking shot someone!  With a gun!  You can’t – you can’t do that!  You can’t just
shoot
someone.” 

“It was pretty disgusting,” said Lola.

Raju shook his head.  “Dude, whatever.  It was awesome, and you all know it.”

The corner of Liam’s mouth twitched almost imperceptibly.

“It was not awesome, Raju,” said Lola.  “It was gross.”

“No, not the shooting.  The hurling.  It was like a nuclear reaction.”  Raju immediately started a pantomime chain-reaction of vomiting.  “Ralph, Ralph, Ralph…” 

“Please shut up,” said Liam.  He took a couple of double-time steps to catch up with Lola, who was striding ahead as they threaded through a group of military vehicles.  “You didn’t tell me – what are you doing here?” he asked.

“Well,” said Lola, “I just figured I could help out.”

“By acting as a magnet for all the naked guys?”

Lola smirked.  “Yes,” she said.  “That was my plan exactly.”

“But I thought you needed to go back to your office,” said Liam.

“Well, Raju told me about—” she glanced around at the trucks and the soldiers and the naked guys, “well, about all of this.”

Raju scooted up right behind Liam.  “Dude, she totally wants you,” he said.

Lola turned and smacked the palm of her hand into the side of Raju’s head.

“You witch!  Don’t you know?  I have a gun!”  He waved the gun in her direction. 

She took it, and smacked him again. 

“That was my gun, you heartless witch!”

Lola checked the pistol, popping the magazine out and back in, and pulling the slide back to chamber a round.  She stuffed it into the waist of her pants and then turned her attention back to Liam.  The three men paused to stare with slightly shocked looks on their faces as they realized that, as disturbing as it sounds, watching an attractive woman tuck a gun into the front of her pants is a lot hotter than you might expect.

“That was my gun,” said Liam. 

“I need one,” she said.  “They took mine.  Besides, you just got shot in the head.  You’re in no condition to carry a gun.”

Liam smiled and nodded.  “I’m glad you’re here,” he said.

She gave him a meaningful look.  At least, it was probably a meaningful look.  Liam wasn’t sure what it meant, or even if it meant anything at all.  It just seemed like one of those looks that people give each other when they mean things.  He had no idea what to do, so he smiled.  Lola returned his smile with a half-smirk, half-smile of her own, and looked down at the ground.  She ran her hand through her hair, tucking it behind her ear.

“Me too,” she said.

“Well, okay,” he said.

“I’m glad you’re here, too,” said Raju. 

Lola ignored him.  “Look,” she said, pointing out across the parking lot full of trucks and soldiers.

“What?” asked Liam.

“A whole fleet of limousines just pulled up.” 

“Those aren’t limos,” said Festus. 

“He’s right,” said Liam.  “They’re Town Cars.”

“Whatever,” said Lola.  “That one has something sticking out of its trunk.” 

“It looks like a metal box,” said Liam.

“Oh,” said Raju.  “That’s one of those frozen yogurt machines.”

“You know, I think you’re right.”  Liam sighed and shook his head.  It wasn’t the weirdest thing he’d seen today – not even close – but still. 

The group enjoyed a moment of silence, there among the trucks and naked guys and soldiers and mayhem.  They watched as soldiers scrambled this way and that – some charging toward the new arrivals, while others ran away.  The soldiers closest to the Town Cars started attacking the cars and their occupants.  At least one Humvee actually ended up on top of one of the Town Cars.  Shots rang out periodically over the sound of men shouting.  The gun fire was intermittent – almost casual in its sporadic report.  One guy held down the trigger on his automatic weapon.  He was too far off to tell whether he was shooting at the cars or just firing at random, but he quickly ran out of bullets – the clip on most automatic weapons holds maybe one tenth as many bullets as movie makers seem to believe – and the noise stopped. 

“Is that—” asked Festus, moving his head this way and that and squinting.  “Shit,” he said.  “That’s the KW.  We need to leave.  Now.”  But everybody ignored him.  They were too busy being knocked to the ground by the shockwave of a rather large explosion.

Chapter 47.
          
Our Heroes Run Away

“Wow,” said Liam.  He’d landed on his back, and was now propped up on his elbows, as if he were just enjoying a casual afternoon in the park.

“What the shit?” asked Raju, his arms and legs wrapped around a tree.

“What was that?” asked Festus.

The four started to get up, dust off, and stagger around – as people who nearly get exploded often do – but were immediately knocked back down to the ground by the force of a second explosion.

“Huh,” said Liam, from where he lay prone. 

“Perhaps we ought to consider,” said Lola, “heading in the other direction.”

“Yes,” said Liam.  “Perhaps.”  He continued to lie where he was, listening to the bustling sounds of men and equipment set against a backdrop of sporadic gun fire. 

“Oh,” said Raju, “that sucked.”  Festus moaned his concurrence. 

There was a third explosion, but Liam, Lola, Festus, and Raju saved themselves the trouble of having to fall over by not having got back up in the first place.

“What the hell is going on?” asked Festus.

Liam spoke to the grass and dirt immediately in front of his face.  “I think that someone is blowing shit up.”

“Oh,” said Festus. 

Lola stood and brushed herself off.  “We need to move.  Now,” she said.  Liam concurred to the grass.  The others moaned a bit.  Lola kicked Raju and then turned to nudge Liam with her toe.  “Come on.” 

“Okay,” said Liam, his face still pressed to the grass. 

Lola nudged him again, and then turned back to deliver another good kick to Raju.  Festus received something between a nudge and a kick.  “Let’s go back the other way,” she said. 

Liam slowly climbed to his feet.  “Agreed,” he said.  “Let’s go.”

The group headed back toward the Deliveries entrance, and went into the church.  Inside, things were surprisingly calm – in stark contrast to the madness outside.  The hallway leading from the deliveries entrance was cavernous and empty.  There were no noises other than their own quick footfalls and the sound of Raju, tagging along in his own time, humming a tune that could have been from a porn movie.

“Where are we going?” asked Festus.

“Shhh!” said Lola.

Liam slowed and leaned over to Festus to whisper.  “We can just walk around to the other side, and try to find a different exit.”

“Shhh!” said Lola, again.  The urgency of her shushing, however, was diminished somewhat when, as they came around a corner, they ran straight into Bill Cadmon and Dick Whitford.  The two men were engrossed in conversation, and were accompanied by a handful of soldiery types, each of whom wore or carried a gas mask. 

“Well, they shouldn’t have burned down my goddamned mansion,” said Whitford.

“But I can’t have your military guys all over—”  Cadmon stopped, and the surprised expression on his face made it look as if he hadn’t been expecting to find a Messianic doppelganger and his cabal of friends, which wasn’t that odd, really, because he had not, in fact, had that expectation at all.