What You Really Really Want (39 page)
Read What You Really Really Want Online
Authors: Jaclyn Friedman
Of course, by now you'll recognize that these are great sexual values to teach anyone, at any age. Because the basics don't change, whether you're eight or eighty. As Heather notes,
The biggest part of where my father did really well in teaching me about sexuality was in making clear that if I was going to be sexual with others, I needed to be able to take my own responsibility around it, which included things like seeking out my own sexual health care, safer sex, and contraception and being accountable for my own actions. He also made it clear that while those kinds of things were things I needed to do for myself (the idea being if I needed him to do them, I probably wasn't ready to be actively sexual with others), I'd always have 100 percent of his emotional support, acceptance, and advocacy as I navigated being sexual and managing my sexual life.
Dive In:Finish the following sentences.
Write as much about each of them as you feel inspired to.
⢠The number one thing I wish someone had taught me about sex when I was growing up is:
⢠The best thing anyone ever taught me about sex when I was growing up was:
⢠The worst thing anyone ever taught me about sex when I was growing up was:
⢠When I was growing up, I learned the most about sex from:
⢠When I was growing up, what I learned about sex from watching adults was:
At the end of a chapter about the challenges of dealing with friends and family about sex, it's important to remember that the people closest to you can also be your closest allies as you go after what you really really want. Do you feel shy about flirting with people or asking them out? It all goes so much more easily if you've got a good wingwoman by your side, egging you on and helping you strategize. (Plus, even if you get rejected, you're still having a memorable experience with your friend.)
Need help learning how to trust your intuition? A trusted confidant can be an essential sounding board as you sort out generalized fears from useful instincts.
Reluctant to take a self-defense class by yourself? Go with a friend, and make a bonding experience out of it.
Trying to build up your sexual communication skills? You already know how helpful a close pal can be when you need to role-play a difficult conversation. And, of course, good friends and family are there to help you through when you suffer heartbreak, dish the details of your hot encounters, cheer you on as you steel yourself to make a tough relationship decision, and toast your joy when you find a partner that exceeds your dreams.
At one point, when I was trying to come to an understanding with my body and the fact that people did, in fact, want it, I decided to go to a club for BBWs (big beautiful women) and FAs (fat admirers). I'd put it off for ages because I didn't have a single local friend who was fat and I have a lot of anxiety issues around new places and people. So a friend of mine offered to go with me. All 105 pounds of her! The club was terrible but we had an awesome time regardless. And it was a great feeling knowing that she was willing to go outside of her comfort zone to keep me company and help me experience new things.
{Heidi}
{Heidi}
Dive In:If you didn't already do this in chapter 2 (or if you want to do it again for someone else), write a letter to a friend or family member telling them how much you value them and what it is they do that makes a difference in your life, and thanking them for supporting your pursuit of healthy sexuality.
Go Deeper:1. Get out your timeline and add five instances in which a friend or family member impacted your sexual life. Their influence may have been helpful, damaging, or too complex to categorize. Now pick one of those instances, and spend ten minutes writing about it. Who was it, and what was your relationship like at the time? What did they do that impacted you? What did it teach you? How, if at all, has it changed your relationship with your sexuality? Do you think this person knows what an impact they had on you? Do you think they would have the same impact on you if they did a similar thing today?
2. Take a wingwoman field trip! Find a friend who supports your sexual values and go out for a night of fun together. If one or both of you is looking for a partner, try your hand at flirting (or more!)âtell each other what kind of person and experience you're looking for, and take turns scouting the talent for each other, coordinating flirtation strategies, and generally egging each other on. Don't
focus on whether or not you “get lucky” with a sex partner or notâjust enjoy being lucky enough to have a great wingwoman.
focus on whether or not you “get lucky” with a sex partner or notâjust enjoy being lucky enough to have a great wingwoman.
If you're both partnered off, spend the night telling stories of your sexploits, confiding about struggles you might be having in the sack, or confessing fantasies you've yet to fulfill. Again, the point isn't to have the wildest story or to solve anybody's problemsâjust appreciate having a confidant with whom you can talk about your sexual secrets.
3. Ever read advice columns? Sure you do! They're addictive, right? They're popular for a couple of reasons: First, we can look for situations like our own. If we find them, we not only feel validated but may also be able to apply the advice given and see how we like it. Second, it's a fun challenge to read the question and, before reading the answer, try to figure out what advice we would give in response, then see how close we came, or see how our advice differs.
So write your own! This might be a good way to work through some of the issues you see in your relationships with your friends and family. Put yourself in their shoes for a few minutes. What letter might they write to an advice column, and what might the wise columnist advise in return? You might also try writing up and answering some of your own current dilemmas. It can be good to summarize the heart of the issue quickly, to read the letter like someone else wrote it, and
to respond in another persona. It helps give you perspective on the issue. Another way you can use this exercise is to actually do it with one or more of your friends and family members. You can each write a letter, about a real or fictional situation, past or present, then hand them around for replies (anonymously, if that feels better). As you share the letters and responses at the end of the exercise, it's a good segue into discussing sex and sexual issues with the people in your life. And since the letters are anonymous or even fictional, no one feels judged.
to respond in another persona. It helps give you perspective on the issue. Another way you can use this exercise is to actually do it with one or more of your friends and family members. You can each write a letter, about a real or fictional situation, past or present, then hand them around for replies (anonymously, if that feels better). As you share the letters and responses at the end of the exercise, it's a good segue into discussing sex and sexual issues with the people in your life. And since the letters are anonymous or even fictional, no one feels judged.
4. Wish a particular man in your life could better understand the way he influences your sexuality? Whether it's a family member, a lover, or a friend, ask him to read and complete the bonus chapter, Just For Men, which you can find at
www.wyrrw.com/justformen
, and then sit down and talk it over afterward.
www.wyrrw.com/justformen
, and then sit down and talk it over afterward.
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