What's Done In the Dark (3 page)

When the minister asked if anyone saw any reason why the two of them should not be married, the only thing that kept me from speaking up was the one-twentieth-of-a-carat ring on my finger. Of course, Steven had pulled out a four-carat diamond that had made everyone gasp.

“Hey, are you still with me?” Steven waved his hand in my face.

I tried to laugh, but a distorted cry came out instead. “Sorry.” I covered my eyes with the palm of my hand.

“Hey, hey,” Steven said, scooting closer.

I turned my head as I tried to ward off the tears. “Sorry. It’s just that sometimes I wonder about my marriage.”

He sighed like he could relate. “You’re not the only one. It’s like, I love Paula, I really do. But after she became a mother, she changed. I try to do my part to help. I tried to hire a nanny, but Paula refused. I did what I could to make life easier for her. But it’s almost like she’s happier wallowing in pity.”

I knew all too well what Steven was talking about. I knew full well how miserable Paula was. I talked to her about her negative attitude on a regular basis.

Steven was about to say something else when his phone rang. He pulled it out of the holder on his hip, glanced at it, and said, “Speak of the devil. This is Paula.” He pressed Talk. “Hello.” He paused.

“Naw, I’m still here,” he said into the phone. “I am not drunk . . . Yes, I had a few drinks.” He rolled his eyes and pulled the phone away from his ear as Paula’s loud voice broadcast from the phone. He put it back to his ear. “Look, don’t start with me, Paula. I told you I was going to be out late . . . I asked you to come. You’re the one who wanted to stay at home . . .” He gritted his teeth as he stood up. “Oh, don’t give me that. Your mom was there. Why is she living there if you don’t ever want to leave the kids with her?” He paused again, and I could tell Paula was going off. “You know what, I told you about calling me out of my name . . .” His brow was furrowing, and I could tell he was getting upset. “I don’t think so! I pay the mortgage. I wish you would put my sh—” I put my hand on his arm to calm him down and remind him where he was. He took a deep breath and said, “Stop threatening me with divorce. If you’re going to leave, then leave . . . I wish you would put my stuff on the lawn!”

More muffled roars came from Paula’s end. Then finally he said, “You are deranged! I was meeting with Kevin, not another woman! Why would I invite you if I was planning on meeting another woman? . . . I didn’t think you’d refuse. You know what? You’re being ridiculous, as usual. Don’t call me rushing me. I’ll be home when I get home! You . . . Hello? Hello?”

He tossed the phone on the bar. “Uggh!” He flinched as, unexpectedly, he grabbed at his chest.

“Are you okay?” I asked. Paula had mentioned he’d been having some chest pains, but she had just chalked it up to stress from his demanding job.

Steven stood deathly still for a minute, then relaxed before saying, “Yeah. That woman gives me heartburn.” He signaled for the bartender, and I relaxed. “Excuse me, can I get another drink? And make it a double!”

I knew Paula wasn’t happy, but I’d had no idea their marriage had reached this extreme. “What was that all about?” I asked. I definitely noted that he hadn’t told her that he was with me.

“I swear, that woman! I just don’t know how much longer I can do this. She’s always accusing me of cheating! Felise, as God as my witness, I’ve never cheated on her, but for as much as she accuses me, I might as well be.”

“Don’t say that,” I replied as the bartender set a double shot glass in front of us. “Your wife loves you.”

“I’m just tired.” Steven took his drink and downed it in one extended gulp. “See, you’re not the only one who’s unhappy.”

I hesitated as I saw the pain swirl in his eyes. “Can I ask you a question?” I finally said.

He managed a smile. “Ask away.”

“Why didn’t you tell her you were here with me?”

He shrugged, not looking guilty. “I don’t know. She didn’t give me a chance before she started going off. It’s probably best anyway. With the rampage she’s on, you don’t need to be dragged into our drama.”

I nodded, for the first time wondering if she ever brought up our past.

“Don’t worry,” he said, as if reading my mind.
“It’s not you. She doesn’t have an issue with you, with us. Her issue is with me. Me and her.”

Our eyes met when he said that, and I didn’t know if it was the liquor or what, but I found myself saying, “Do you ever find yourself wondering, ‘What if?’ You know, with us?”

He stared at me as he somberly said, “All the time.” He sighed heavily and returned his gaze to his empty glass. “When I want to be spontaneous and go somewhere, I wonder about us. When I long to just kick back and have fun, I think about us.”

“We did used to have some fun.” I managed to laugh. “Remember that day you woke up and said, let’s just drive to the Grand Canyon?”

“Oh, yeah, I forgot about that,” he said, finally smiling. “What were we, like twenty? We just up and went. It took us two days, but we had so much fun.”

“Oh, my God. You remember that honky-tonk club we went to and were teaching those people how to cabbage patch?”

“What about when you told those people at that restaurant that we were Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown?”

“I completely forgot about that.” Our laughter finally died down, and I grew somber again. “I haven’t felt that in a long time.”

“Me either,” Steven said softly. At that moment his hand brushed up against my thigh. His touch sent shivers up my spine, and I was shocked. I’ll admit, I was hurt when I’d learned Steven and Paula were dating, but I blamed myself, so that forced me to bury those feelings. But if they were buried, why in the world were they being resurrected now?

“Why did you fix me up with Paula?”
he asked me.

I wanted to tell him that was my biggest regret in life. But Paula was my best friend. I would never utter those words. “I . . . I had met Greg and, I don’t know, I just thought you and Paula would get along. I mean, I didn’t know you’d fall in love and get married and I’d have to see you forever.” I managed a smile.

He didn’t return my smile. “You told me you saw me as more of a brother. That you didn’t want me.”

My mind raced back to that day, the day before he was supposed to marry Paula. He’d come to me because he “needed to be sure” that he was doing the right thing. This man was about to marry my best friend. I was one of her bridesmaids. What was I supposed to say? “I thought I didn’t want you. I convinced myself that I didn’t want you,” I said, my voice shaking.

“I knew you did.” His voice was husky as he leaned in closer. “I know you
do
.”

Now was the time for me to tell him that he was out of his mind. To reiterate that no matter what I
used
to feel, we’d chosen our paths in life. But my feelings swam around in my brain and no words would come out.

“Have you ever wanted something so bad, something that you’d denied yourself for years?” he stood over me and whispered in my ear. His hot breath tickled my neck.

I couldn’t answer. I couldn’t say a word because all kinds of conflicting emotions were running through my body. We sat in silence for a few moments. Finally he said, “You shouldn’t drive tonight. Do you want me to call you a cab?”

“I’m not going home tonight,” I found myself saying.

He waited, then said, “Me either.”

I knew we were about to venture
into dangerous territory, but I couldn’t help it as my hand covered his. His touch was electrifying, and I didn’t know whether to run or collapse into his arms.

He pulled himself away and motioned to the bartender. “Can I close out my tab?”

We didn’t say a word as the bartender rang him up. For a minute, I wondered if Steven was about to take off running as he nervously shifted from side to side.

After signing the credit card receipt and stuffing his copy in his wallet, Steven turned back to me.

“I’m going to get a room,” he finally said. “Wait right here.”

He didn’t wait for me to reply as he hurried off toward the front desk. Everything inside of me was saying get up and go. Right now. Go home before it was too late. But go home to what? A husband who no longer knew how to make me feel like a woman? A husband who hadn’t
seen
me in years. A husband who thought so little of our relationship that he would forget our wedding anniversary? No, I had nothing to go home to.

I don’t know how long I sat there, but Steven came back, leaned over me, and whispered, “Room 527. I’ll understand if you don’t show.” He eased a room key into my hand, and his touch sent more chills through my body. I took the key and didn’t turn to watch him as he walked away.

5

Paula

PEACE. THAT WAS A WELCOME
sound in my home, so I leaned back in my chair, closed my eyes, and relished the quiet.

The kids were finally in bed, and my mom was still out. A part of me wanted to be mad that Steven wasn’t home yet—it was after midnight—but our argument had been pretty ugly, and he probably was going to get drunk with Kevin and talk about what a horrible wife I was.

That actually made me sad because I really didn’t want to be a horrible wife to Steven. I just had so much bitterness and resentment, and I didn’t know how to work past it.

I took a long inhale on my cigarette and let the nicotine work its magic.

“Hey, what are you still doing up?” my mom asked, poking her head out on the deck.

I blew a puff of smoke. “Just enjoying the solitude.”

She eyed my cigarette disapprovingly,
and like a child, I mashed it out. “How was bingo?”

She shrugged as she sat down next to me. “I didn’t win. Lost forty dollars. I don’t know why the Lord won’t answer my prayer to hit it big.”

I couldn’t help but laugh because she was dead serious. My mom had a warped view of religion. She was the only person I knew who would watch
The Passion of the Christ
on bootleg video while reading the Bible she took from a hotel.

“So, where’s Steven?” she asked, looking around.

I shrugged. “Out with his friend.”

“Hmph. Kinda late to be out, huh?”

I didn’t want to get her started. I knew having my mom around didn’t help my marriage. She was always adding her two cents. But my mom had been dependent on my dad, and when he died two years ago, she was beside herself. My sister, Charlene, lived in New York, so my mother was all alone. She had come here from my childhood home in DC and, well, just never left. I knew Steven hadn’t really been feeling the idea, but he’d gone along with it for my sake.

“Are you guys okay?” my mom asked pointedly.

I don’t know why, but that actually opened up the dam and I felt tears gushing out.

“Oh, no, baby,” my mom said, coming to my side. “What’s going on?” She rubbed my back. “Why are you crying? Did Steven do something to you?”

I shook my head as I tried to compose myself. “No. I’m . . . I’m just so miserable, and I told Steven tonight I want a divorce.”

My mom leaned back like I’d just delivered the most awful news ever. “And why would you do a fool thing like
that?”

“I’m just so unhappy,” I confessed.

“Unhappy? That man gives you a good life.”

“Yes, he provides this big ol’ house for me,” I said, motioning around our six-thousand-square-foot home, “but Steven and I act like bickering roommates. We have no passion. I want to feel some sparks.”

My mother didn’t bother to hide her disgust as she stood and went back to her seat. “Girl, this ain’t some kind of romance novel. Love don’t pay the bills.”

I sighed. “You loved Daddy.”

“Not at first,” she admitted. “Shoot, I was trying to get out of Arkansas and your daddy offered me a ticket out. He had a good job with the railroad, and he loved me more than I loved him.” She wagged a finger at me. “That’s the key. You always got to find a man that loves you more. That’s the man you need to be with.”

I let out a long sigh as I wiped my tears. “It’s not only that, Mama. This being nothing but a mother wasn’t my dream. I love my kids, but there’s more to me than this.”

She continued shaking her head. “Hmph, well, you better take up knitting or find you some kind of hobby.”

“What about my dreams? Do my dreams fall by the wayside because I have kids?” I snapped.

“Yes,” she said matter-of-factly. “If you talking about that actress crap, you got to grow up. That ship has sailed. You got a family now.
That’s
your priority. And you going and tellin’ your man you want a divorce. How are you gonna take care of your kids?”

I hadn’t thought about all of that. I was just mad and mouthing off because he was out kickin’ it while I was stuck in the house—again. I guess I didn’t really want a divorce. I just wanted something different. I wanted to be happy.

My mom patted my leg. “Maybe you need to start having some more Paula time. Go out with Felise. Shoot, go out with your husband. You’re the one who thinks you have to be stuck in the house all the time. It’s like you like wallowing in self-pity. I’m tellin’ you, you’d better get it together before Jody’s got your girl and gone.”

“What?” I said, looking at her confused.

She continued wagging a finger in my direction. “While you saying, ‘Scat, scat,’ someone else is ’round the corner sayin’, ‘Here, kitty-kitty.’ ”

I couldn’t help but smile at my mom’s cornball country sayings. “I have no idea what that means.”

She sighed like she had to break something down to me. “You’re not going to know how good you got it till you ain’t got it no more. You gonna look up and some other woman is gonna have your man.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at that. “Nah, I know Steven. He’s a lot of things, but he wouldn’t cheat on me.”

My mother narrowed her eyes. “I told you. Never say what somebody wouldn’t do.”

“Well, I trust my husband,” I said pointedly.

“Okay, but just know, you walk around here in a constant funk, mad at the world, taking it out on your kids and husband. Someone wants to deal with that for only so long. It’s no wonder Steven is never here. I don’t blame him. I wouldn’t want to lay with you and your funky attitude either.”