What's Left of Me (23 page)

In this moment, there is no fear.

No judgment.

No outsiders.

No cancer.

Everyone is equal.

It’s about being free.

It’s about letting it all go.

Moving closer to Parker, I throw my hands in the air and move gently on tiptoe with the beat of the drums. I’m worried about jumping too much and causing my wig to fall backward.
 
I yell and cheer with everyone else, making the occasional discrete wig check.

I can see Parker watching me with a look of lust.
Closing my eyes, I let the music take over.

I forget about yesterday.

I don’t think about tomorrow.

I’m just Aundrea.

I’m free.

Chapter Twelve

I hate small talk.
 
Talking about the weather, school, local events … it’s all boring.
 
It’s information to pass the time.
 
I’d rather say, “Hi, I’m fine, thanks, bye.”
 
But I can’t do that with my parents.
 
Especially my mom.

“School is fine, Mom.
 
I have a laid back instructor who lets us work at our own pace.”

“Your own pace?
 
What kind of class is this?”

“It’s online, Mom.
 
The first day he posted the schedule and assignments, allowing us to work ahead if we want.”

“Work ahead?
 
So you’re teaching yourself?
 
What kind of school is this?”

“Mom, it’s fine.
 
A lot of online classes are more chill.
 
It’s why we take them.”
 
Hey, I’m only being honest.
 
Everyone is a procrastinator from time to time.
 
That’s why online classes are so great.

“Well, I don’t like it.
 
I’m thinking about the loans you’ll have and for what?
 
For a class where the teacher doesn’t even teach?”

“Mom, he does.
 
He still posts lectures that we have to listen to in order to get the credit.
 
It’s fine.
 
I assure you.”

“If you say so.
 
How is everything else going?
 
Jason’s not overworking you is he?
 
Because I can have your dad talk to him.”

“No, he’s fine.
 
I’m barely there, to be honest.”

“And you’re feeling better?”

Feeling better?
 
Am I?

“Yeah, of course.
 
Everything is good.”
 
I can see my reflection in the sliding glass doors off the patio.
 
There are dark purple bags under my eyes from the lack of sleep.
 
I get maybe three hours a night.
 
The pain in my joints is becoming too uncomfortable, and the pain medication isn’t helping.
 
I try to muffle my cries with my pillow, but I have a feeling Genna hears them.

“Good.
 
I’m glad, honey.
 
Dad and I took a couple weeks off, so we can be with you for your last two treatments.”
 
My parents tried to make it up on the weekends, like we talked about, but the timing never worked.

“Sounds good.”
 
What else am I supposed to say?
 
Great!
 
Let’s make it a party!

“What else is new?
 
I feel like I haven’t talked to you in weeks.”

Days.
 
It’s been two days.

“Nothing is new, Mom.”

“Did you tell her about Parker?
 
Tell her about Parker!” Genna calls from somewhere in the house.
 
I’m sitting on the chaise lounge outside on the new patio Jason made for her.
 
It’s beautiful: dark red brick with red-cushioned furniture, a small outdoor fireplace, and a built in grill.
 
He even had a canopy custom-made to cover the entire patio so they could sit outside in the shade.
 
It’s beautiful.
 
I could sit out here all day in the peace and quiet.

“Who’s Parker?” my mom asks.
 
Her voice has lifted, and I can hear her shuffling in her seat.
 
My guess is to get comfortable.

A crisp breeze washes over me and I shiver.
 
I love this weather: cool, fresh, and calming.
 
It’s perfect sweatshirt and sweatpants weather.
 
For being the beginning of October, it’s ideal.

“No one, Mom.”

“He’s not no one.
 
Tell her,” Genna says as she joins me.
 
She shuffles her way next to me on the chaise, making me scoot over to the edge.
 
I have a light blanket covering my lap and she snuggles right in, handing me a glass of hot chocolate with marshmallows.

“Aundrea!
 
Who is he?”
 
She’s practically screaming at me through the phone.

Who is Parker?
 
A friend.

A man I slept with once.

A man I’m spending time with.

A man I enjoy spending time with.

A man who makes me laugh.

A man who makes me feel alive.

A man who makes me forget about the shit I have going on.

“He’s a guy I met.
 
He works with Jason.
 
We’re just hanging out.
 
It’s no big deal.”
 
Keep telling yourself that.

“No big deal?
 
I wouldn’t call multiple dates no big deal.”
 
Genna pushes.

“Multiple?”

“You had the hockey game with dinner, dinner at his house, the rock show, and various lunches.”

“The hockey scrimmage was just a friend thing.
 
And his place wasn’t a date.”

“Right, okay.
 
Well, you’ve gone out twice, talk every day, and see each other almost every day at the clinic.”

“Aundrea!
 
Stop talking to your sister and talk to me.”
 
My mom speaks into the phone.

Laughing, I apologize.
 
I tell her a little about Parker, but make it
very
clear that we’re nothing more than friends.
 
The last thing I want is to get her hopes up about me dating.

When I hang up with my mom, Genna is staring at me.

“What?”

“You.”

“What did I do?” I ask.

She shakes her head.

“What?” I ask again.

“Did you tell him about your cancer?”

Your?
 
Like I own it?

“No.
 
There’s no reason to tell him right now.
 
We’re just hanging out and having a good time.”

“Why do you do that?”

“Do what?”

“Lie to yourself?”

“I’m not.”

“Yes, you are.
 
Aundrea, all I’ve wanted is to see you be happy, and I finally see it.
 
The way you come home happy after being at the clinic all day.
 
The laughing on the phone with him.
 
The way you smile when Jason mentions his name.
 
How you get excited and take forever to find something to wear when you know you’re going to see him.
 
Whatever is going on between you and Parker, it’s a lot more than just hanging out and having a good time.”

She’s right, but I’m too scared to admit it myself.

“I’m not going to tell you how to live your life, but you should think about telling him before things turn serious.”

“Things won’t turn serious.
 
I won’t allow that.”

“I love you, Dre.
 
I will support you in anything you do.
 
But sometimes things happen that are out of our control.”

I don’t add to the conversation.

Shaking my head, I make my way to my room to get ready for my date with Parker.

My third round of chemo is postponed because my white blood cells are too low.
 
I was given a shot of Neulasta to boost the blood counts.
 
Dr. Olson says I need to wait another week for my counts to get higher.
 
With the drugs I’m going to be getting, I have to be above a certain level, and right now I’m walking on a thin border.

Taking a week off means my treatment will obviously be prolonged, but I look at it as another week to spend with Parker.
 
It’s one more week I can feel good and forget what’s to come.

I’m not even out of the hospital for thirty seconds before I text him to ask when our next date will be.

Me:
When can I see you again?

Mr. Handsome:
When do you want to see me?

Me:
Tonight?

Mr. Handsome:
I have a lot of bitches to see … Dogs that is.

I roll my eyes and let out a small laugh at his horrible sense of humor.

Me:
Tomorrow night?

Mr. Handsome:
I can’t.
 
Bryn, Jason and I have meetings for the fundraiser.
 
You won’t be in tomorrow?

I could go in, but Genna asked if I wanted to go shopping with her instead.
 
I really want a girl’s day.
 
Knowing I won’t see him much anyway at the clinic, I make my decision.

Me:
 
I’m going to go shopping with Genna tomorrow.

Mr. Handsome:
Pick you up Friday night?

Me:
Perfect!

Mr. Handsome:
I’ll call you later.

Me:
:)

Bryn.
 
She’s really not
that
bad.
 
She just gets under my skin.
 
Like a parasite.
 
She knows just how to warm up to the host and latch on.
 
She’s being nice to me, including me in in her conversations with Shannon during lunch; I even got invited to another one of her parties coming up.
 
But I’m not sure if she actually likes me or if she’s just keeping the enemy close.

When Friday night arrives, I decide on dark jeans, heels, a white baby doll top, and a colorful fall scarf.
 
Considering I have no idea where I’m going, I try to look casual, yet put together.

At seven o’clock, headlights make their way up the driveway.
 
It’s starting to get dark earlier, making it seem much later than it is.

“Hi,” I say as I greet Parker.
 
I don’t let him make it all the way up the sidewalk before grabbing his arm and turning him back toward his car.
 
Last I checked, Genna was upstairs doing whatever it is she does, and I’d like to keep her there.

“You going to tell me where we’re going?” I ask once we’re on the road.

“Not yet.
 
You’ll see soon enough.
 
It’s not that far.”

I look at the radio, noticing it’s off.

“What?
 
No rap tonight?”

“Nah, I figured I’d let you pick the station tonight.”

“Aw, how thoughtful,” I joke, reaching forward to turn it on. I scan the XM radio.

Settling on Today’s Hits, I sit back and listen to the newest Katy Perry song.
 
I start mouthing the words until I notice Parker is watching me.

“What?”

“Nothing.”
 
He smiles.

“You’re really not going to tell me where we’re going?”

“Really.”

“What if I hate it?”

“Doubtful.”

“That confident?”

“Always.”

“Cocky is more like it.”

He chuckles.

My hands are clasped together and resting in my lap, my foot is twitching, and my eyes are roaming.
 
I’m nervous.
 
Parker didn’t tell me what the plan was, and it freaks me out not knowing.

“Relax. I’m not taking you anywhere crazy.
 
It’ll be fun.”

“I’m relaxed.”

“Sure you are.”

He looks down at my foot that is nervously moving back and forth.
I freeze it mid-twitch, which only confirms his assumption.

“What is this place?” I ask as we pull into a parking lot by a huge white building.
 
Lights line the parking lot and sidewalk leading into the building.
 
There aren’t that many cars here and I’m not sure if I should be thankful or nervous.