What's Left of Me (Finally Unbroken Book 2) (4 page)

The tap on my shoulder makes me jump. Spinning around I see Sarah’s mouth moving, but with Amber’s iPod in my ears and Linkin Park blaring, I have no idea what she’s saying. I put the bucket and cloth down and pull my earphones out.

“Sorry, what did you say?” I ask.

“There’s a guy downstairs for you,” she tells me. I notice her cheeks are red and she’s puffing slightly, with a sheen of sweat across her brow she’s obviously run up the stairs at pace.

I wonder what the rush was for?

“Who?” I ask confused. I’m not expecting anyone. I’m
never
expecting anyone unless it’s Amber, but she doesn’t introduce herself seeing as she knows everyone here. I rarely have any of the people from my sessions come visit me outside of the weekly meetings.

“I have no idea. But girl, let me tell you, I wish I did. That fine ass down there’s looking like he needs some good lovin’. All broody, sexy and chiseled. Oh my God! I ain’t never seen a man look like that, except on the covers of magazines. And he smells so damn good, too,” she tells me fanning herself.

“I’m sure Jim would be delighted to hear you say all that,” I reply with a smirk.

“Pfft. Jim can have his free pass with
Halle Berry
if I can have a pass with that tall glass of hot spicy rum down there.” I laugh at her, then pull my gloves off, leaving them next to the cleaning stuff. “I’ll carry on with these windows until you’re done,” Sarah tells me before I walk away.

“You don’t have to do that,” I reply.

“Oh, I know, but this way I’ll be the first to get all the gossip about sex on a stick downstairs.”

“Can you possibly come up with anything to give
more
of an impression you think the guy downstairs is hot?” I ask smirking.

“Yeah. But I want to know what the deal is. So get and find out. Go on, get.” She shoos me away and I grin.

Heading downstairs, when I round the last set of stairs, I see him.
Ruben Asher.
His back is toward me, his body strung tight. I’d know that man anywhere.

“Ruben.” I catch my breath, almost unaware that the word was going to pop out of my mouth.

His body jolts, like he forgot what he was here for and that he asked to see me. He turns to look at me, his face blank and his chiseled jaw—that Sarah was talking about only moments before—is set. The short hairs across the lower half of his face, along with the dark blond hair that curls at his neck, give him the rugged look. He pins me with his steely gray eyes as I come to a stop at the bottom of the stairs.

“Laurie.” My name on his lips sounds like a promise. I’m just not sure what he’s promising me. “I’m sorry if I’m interrupting.”

I don’t answer him, waiting to see what he’ll say. We stand in this weird trance, taking in every detail about each other. Like we’re breathing each other in, like that will make us understand what the other wants, or what the other needs. We’re in a bubble. In another existence to everyone else, a little ball of glass, until someone walks in the front door and that ball shatters. It’s a sharp reminder not to allow myself to get carried away.

“This was probably not a good idea anyway,” he says, before turning to walk away.
Again.

“What did you come here for?” I ask quickly, eagerly.

His stride stops and he drops his head. “I’m not really sure. Nothing. Everything.” I can hear the pain in every word.

“Look, I’m finished working now,” I lie. “Give me two minutes to grab my purse and we can take a walk if you want?” He doesn’t say anything, just nods. “Okay, I’ll be back. Don’t leave this time. Please,” I whisper but don’t wait for his reply. Instead, turning and scrambling up the stairs.

“Tell me everything,” Sarah demands as I arrive back to my station.

“I can’t, he’s here, but he’s not really. Sorry, I can’t explain right now. I’m going to go for a walk with him. If I don’t get down there now, I think he might run, he’s done it before.” I stop and shake my head absentmindedly. “He’s a flight risk,” I mutter. Sarah looks at me like I’m crazy. Having never told her about Ruben it’s not surprising she’d think that. “Listen, if you could put this stuff away for me, I’ll finish the cleaning later. Pretty please?” I almost beg, desperate to get back downstairs before he leaves. Sarah just nods her head confused. I grab her hands in mine, giving them a squeeze, then run toward the stairs.

“I want all those details later,” she shouts after me.

I’m almost shocked when I get to the bottom and Ruben’s still there, waiting for me. “Come on,” I tell him opening the door.

“Do you want a coat? It’s cold out.”

I look down at my body. “I-I don’t have a coat,” I reply, embarrassed.

“You left it at home?” he asks.

I shrug, not wanting to go down this route. I rarely tell anyone outside of my group anything about me. Sarah and Derick–my managers–are the only people who really know my situation. Ruben doesn’t say anything and I don’t look at his face, not wanting to read what he’s thinking.

“You want to grab a coffee?” he asks and I open my mouth, not sure how to say no when he continues, “My treat. I came to you, the least I can do is buy you a coffee.” I nod my head and hope like hell he doesn’t see me as a charity case. I’m not too proud, if I were I’d be dead by now. At the same time, I don’t want to seem like I mooch off people. It’s a fine line to tread, and I’m constantly balancing trying to keep control.

Ruben leads us into a local coffee house and guides me to a table. “What do you want?” he asks as I take my seat.

“Just a flat white please.” Nodding, he moves to the counter.

Looking around the place, I see there are only a few customers apart from us. All of them look like they’re aren’t there through choice, but trying to stay out of the cold. Each one of them huddled around a cup like it’s going to keep them from their reality. I know that look, I’ve lived that look.

“Here,” Ruben says, placing a cup in front of me.

I take in his clothes. Despite the rugged look, it’s obvious his clothes are designer. Sharp, dry clean only type of material. He’s out of place here. He always was.

“I know you don’t live around here, you weren’t just passing. So can I ask—”

Before I finish his eyes move from his cup to meet mine and he finishes my sentence. “What I’m doing here?” I nod but say nothing. “I don’t really know. Well, that’s not strictly true. I wanted to apologize for leaving the other day.” He looks away as if embarrassed.

“That’s okay,” I reply gently.

“No, it’s more than that. I need to apologize for my behavior… in the past.”

I suck in a breath at his words. He must hear me because his eyebrows pull inward, concern crossing his model-like features. “I’m not entirely sure I remember every way that I behaved badly, I just know I did.
A lot.
It was unfair and uncalled for. I know you were trying to help me back then. I should never have taken out my pain on you.” He looks at me and once again I’m trapped. “I’m sorry,” he whispers, although I’m not quite sure he’s saying it to me.

“You said that already,” I whisper back. His eyes leave mine and he looks down to his cup. “Ruben, is that the only reason you came back?” I ask. Even as the words leave my mouth, I’m not sure that I want to know the answer.
Hell, I don’t know why I even asked it.
His truths could be my truths. Since he left last time, I’ve built my walls up higher, learned how to shut everything and nearly everyone off. I don’t want to live like this, afraid of everything. I just don’t know any other way to be. Everything seems to slow down as Ruben’s muscle jumps in his jaw. He seems to be having some kind of internal struggle.

“I’m not sure exactly. I just needed to see you, Laurie,” he answers.

I feel off balance as my world stops, breaks open, and for the first time in what feels like forever… a light shines through.

I’m not sure why I just said that. If the look on Laurie’s face is anything to go by, then I just said too damn much.
Fuck.

“I’m sorry,” I tell her.
All I seem to do is apologize to this woman.

“N-no, it’s fine. I just…” she huffs out a sigh, “…Ruben, I don’t understand?”

That make’s two of us, sweetheart.

“I have no real explanation. I don’t understand myself. I came here… I’m not really sure why to be honest. I thought it was to ask you for your help, I mean, I’m not good with those classes you run. So, I was going to ask for some one-on-one time with you, but whenever I look at you…” I stop speaking, not wanting to continue that thought process.

“Whenever you look at me, what?” she pushes.

I stare into her eyes, captured once again, by the mixture of pain and tenderness, almost at odds with each other. “When I look at you, I feel like
you’re
the one that needs help. You look… caught. I’m not sure how. I’m not even sure how to explain it, but when I look at you, I see your demons. I’ve never been able to see past my own before.”

“What exactly do you want to do? Fix me?” Her angry whisper hides a deeper emotion that I can’t quite put my finger on.

I rub my head. “I don’t know, Laurie, okay?” I try not to snap.

“No. It’s not okay!” she snaps back, louder, and the few people in the diner look up. Before I say anything she continues, “You were horrible to me eighteen months ago. Maybe I should let that lie, but Ruben,
it hurt
. I tried to help you and you dismissed me like a cold caller.”

“I was in pain,” I growl out.

“Aren’t we all?” she hisses back.

I slouch down in my seat and sigh. “Maybe coming here wasn’t the right thing to do,” I tell her.

“Maybe it wasn’t,” Laurie replies sharply. She takes a sip of her coffee and blows out a breath. “Look, you’re here now, do you still want to do one-on-one?” she offers.

I pull a hand down my face. “Okay, the truth…” I mumble to myself, “…Laurie, I’d like some one-on-one, but honestly, I feel like I’m getting better like I’m nearly there. I mean, sure, I have some issues that still need dealing with, things that Anabel has been helping me work through.”

“Then why do you want one-on-one time with me?” she asks, confusion clear in her eyes.

“Because I think you still have demons. Ones that aren’t going anywhere soon. One’s that you’re not facing right now. Laurie, I want to help you… I thought we could help each other,” I tell her and wait. Then wait some more. She doesn’t say anything, just sits staring at me. Her eyes work, but I don’t know her well enough to
always
see what’s going on behind the façade.

“Thanks, but no thanks,” she tells me, getting up from her seat. “Thanks for the coffee.” Her voice has gone back to the angelic natural tone and I nod in response. Of everything I’ve learned over the last twelve months, the main lesson is that you can’t force people to see their demons, and you can’t force them to deal with their issues. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves. Laurie once told me that.

She starts to walk away, but I grab her arm. “I’ll walk with you,” I tell her. She snatches her arm away, but sighs and nods, which I take as an agreement.

As we leave the diner, we fall into an awkward silence. “Do you spend all your time at the community center?” I ask, moving onto safer conversational grounds.

“Not all my time, but yeah, a big chunk of it. I came here about a year after… Anyway, at first, the center was my home because the people here helped me. Then, Derick—”

“Derick?” I ask

“He’s the manager. Such a lovely guy, about sixty, he’s been running the place for forever. Of course, he wants to retire soon. The only problem then will be funding, and obviously the lack of a manager. Anyway, I’m getting off track. So Derick offered me a cleaning job. I was desperate for the money, I’d do anything, plus keeping busy was a bonus especially back then. I spent all my free time at the community center. I had nothing but time.” She swallows and looks down at her feet. “I had no home back then, and I don’t mean metaphorically, I mean in the literal sense. Derick let me use one of the sofas in the communal room, every night after the center was shut, so I had somewhere safe and warm to sleep. I started doing some of the paperwork, mainly helping out because I was bored. Quickly, I learned the ropes but didn’t get paid. It passed the time, plus I figured, it gave me skills for the real world.

The woman who did all the office work back then, Edna, was Derick’s wife. She retired about eight months after I started coming here, so he offered me the job. Apart from Rocco’s birth, it was the single biggest thing that had ever happened to me in my life.” She stops and looks up at me. “That’s pretty sad, right? I mean the biggest things to ever happen to me were my nephew being born and being offered an office manager job?” Her lips twitch. “Funny, I don’t feel sad about those things, I only feel proud and blessed.” She starts walking again, but I’m stuck. This beautiful woman–Fuck, did I just refer to her as beautiful?–has so much more strength than she realizes. She has a huge heart and does everything with a smile.

Laurie stops. “You okay?” she questions and it jolts me from my daze.

“Yeah.” My voice is raspy as I join her, stepping into her side.

She starts walking slowly, glancing up at me. “You really want to know this stuff?” she asks, insecurity in her tone.

“Yeah, strangely enough, I do. I find you interesting, and I’m actually pretty bummed that nearly two years ago when you started trying to help me, I pushed you away. I couldn’t see the genuine care you had or the fact that you wanted nothing but to actually help me and I threw that in your face.” My stomach twists with a stabbing pain when I think about how I pushed her away. Even back then I thought she was beautiful, but I couldn’t admit it, not even to myself. I was too hung up on Amanda, and I thought if I even looked at another woman I’d be betraying her.

Laurie blushes as we come to a stop outside the center. I step toward her. “You make me look at everything differently,” I tell her.

“W-what do you mean?” she asks as I move that little bit closer. Bringing my hand up without really thinking about what I’m doing, my fingers find a strand of her hair and I tuck it behind her ear. Little intimate touches like these I’ve tried to avoid with anyone for so long, but there’s always been a draw to this woman for me, something I controlled by cutting her out of my life.

“The world seems different when I’m with you…” I explain, letting my fingers stroke slowly down her cheek, “…being around you.” I sigh. “Laurie, you make the impossible seem like a walk in the park. With you, I feel like I’m capable of anything. You make me want everything, all the things I’d thought were never possible again. Everything… it’s all wrapped up in you. I’m only just seeing it now. Seeing
you
now.”

“Ruben, I’m not sure what you’re saying,” she whispers. When she stares at me, her eyes push through every external wall of bullshit I’ve built up throughout my whole life. She doesn’t just
slay
my demons, she
decimates
them, just with her smile or her voice. Just by standing next to me.

I can’t say the feelings don’t scare me. But now I’m stronger than I’ve ever been, with Danny and Anabel helping me exorcise the demons I was still clinging to, from Amanda’s passing.

“I’d like to help out at the center if that’s okay?”

She’s taken aback by my offer. “Okay. I mean, sure, thanks. We can always use volunteers. Is there anything you’re particularly good at?” she asks me.

I take a few moments to think. “Well, I can spend time with the old folks? If you have something there?”

“Yeah, that would be great. Just sitting and talking to them, giving them time would be great. It’s not an area that most people want to volunteer in.”

“Well, my mom had me when she was forty-one, she’s seventy-eight now and she has Alzheimer’s. So I kind of have some experience. She lives with my aunt, has done for a few years, but I visit regularly. It’s been hard watching her demise, seeing her turn into someone she’s not, forgetting everything. She would hate it if she realized what was happening. I hate it for her.”

Laurie nods and I’m surprised by my own admission. There’s something about this woman that makes me want to be honest… about everything. Like there’s a need within me, a need to lay myself bare.
For her.

“Okay. Well, tomorrow the old folks come to the center, and they’re here all day. So come whenever, okay?” she asks me. Her eyes find mine again, the easy going smile on her face hits me in the gut and I take a step back. “Ruben, are you sure you’re okay?” she asks again.

I nod then reply, “Tomorrow, Laurie,” before turning on my heel and heading back home, only this time it doesn’t feel like I’m running. I need a check in with Anabel. I’m hoping that at some point soon my emotions will settle, instead of being so up and down. It’s as though all my feelings are being thrown in the air and I’m being told to catch them. I’m looking forward to a time when I don’t need to speak to Anabel to pull apart my thoughts and emotions. Needing to be sure that the road I’m crawling along is my path, and all the effort is worth it, so eventually I won’t be crawling I’ll be running.