When I Say No, I Feel Guilty (36 page)

SANDY
: Thank God! The way Mom sounded I thought you were dying.

DAD
: It’s not that bad. It’s just that I’m in pain a lot of the time. When can you come over this weekend?

SANDY
:
I’m sure your back hurts, Dad. I hope you feel better soon
, but I’m not coming over to see you this weekend.
I’ve got some other things I want to do
. [FOGGING and SELF-DISCLOSURE]

DAD
: What’s more important than seeing your mother?

SANDY
:
I understand how you feel, Dad
, but
I won’t be coming over this weekend
. [SELF-DISCLOSURE and BROKEN RECORD]

DAD
: (Showing irritation) This is your father you are talking to!

SANDY
:
You’re right
, and
I’m sure I sound a bit disrespectful to you
, but
I won’t be coming over this weekend
. [FOGGING, NEGATIVE ASSERTION, and BROKEN RECORD]

DAD
: You know your mother has already bought the turkey for dinner.

SANDY
:
No, I didn’t know that
. [SELF-DISCLOSURE]

DAD
: She bought it just for you and Jay. A big one. We can’t eat it all ourselves.

SANDY
:
No, I’m sure you can’t
. [FOGGING]

DAD
: If you don’t come over for dinner, what is your mother going to do with that turkey?

SANDY
:
I don’t know
. What can she do with it? [SELF-DISCLOSURE]

DAD
: Your mother is going to be very upset about this.

SANDY
:
I’m sure she will, Dad
, but
I won’t be coming over this weekend
. [FOGGING and BROKEN RECORD]

DAD
: (Aside to Mom) Talk to your daughter. She says she isn’t coming over.

MOM
: Sandra.

SANDY
: Yes, Mom?

MOM
: What have we done that would make you turn on your father like this? He’s a sick man. Ever since he developed that heart murmur last year I’ve been worried about him. He’s not going to be here forever, you know.

SANDY
:
I’m sure you are worried since Dad developed heart trouble
, and
I know it must be lonely for you since Bob and Joan are not around anymore
, but
I won’t be coming over this weekend
. [FOGGING, SELF-DISCLOSURE, and BROKEN RECORD]

MOM
: Your brother and sister always came over when we invited them. All we had to do was to suggest it.

SANDY
:
That’s true, Mom. They did give you a lot of company
, but
I won’t be over this weekend
. [FOGGING and BROKEN RECORD]

MOM
: It’s not right for you to treat your father this way.

SANDY
: (Softly)
What is it I’m doing that’s wrong?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

MOM
: Not coming over when he wants to see you!

SANDY
:
What is it about my not coming over when he wants to see me that is wrong?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

MOM
: A good Christian (Jewish, Buddhist, etc.) daughter would come over to see her father.

SANDY
:
What is it about my not coming over to see Dad that makes me a bad Christian daughter?

MOM
: If you really loved us, you would want to come and see us.

SANDY
:
What is it about my not wanting to see you this weekend that means I don’t love you?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

MOM
: I’ve never heard such a thing in all my life.

SANDY
: What’s that, Mom?

MOM
: A daughter talking back to her mother.

SANDY
:
What is it about me talking back to you that’s so strange?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

MOM
: You’ve never done this before.

SANDY
: (Without sarcasm)
That’s true, I’ve never talked back to you before, have I?
[FOGGING]

MOM
: You’ve changed since you married that Jay. I told you before you married him that you would have to watch out.

SANDY
:
I don’t understand. What is it about Jay that I should have to watch out for?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

MOM
: He’s changed you, for one thing.

SANDY
:
That’s true, Mom, he has
, but I still don’t understand,
what is it about my changing that is wrong?
[FOGGING and NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

MOM
: I know he never liked me. And now he’s making you choose between him and us.

SANDY
:
I’m sure there is some friction between Jay and you
, but if
I choose not to come over this weekend, it’s my choice, not his
. [FOGGING and SELF-DISCLOSURE]

MOM
: After all we did for you. Sending you to college. And now this.

SANDY
:
That’s true, Mom. If it weren’t for you and Dad I wouldn’t have graduated by now. I still appreciate the money you gave me to go to school
. [FOGGING and SELF-DISCLOSURE]

MOM
: If you appreciate it that much, you might show it.

SANDY
: How?

MOM
: Come over and cheer up your father this weekend.

SANDY
:
You’re right. If I came over to see him, that might cheer him up
, but
I’m not going to
. [FOGGING and BROKEN RECORD]

MOM
: The way you are talking, I don’t think you want to see us.

SANDY
:
Not this weekend anyway, Mom
. [SELF-DISCLOSURE]

MOM
: Have we done something to make you mad at us?

SANDY
: No, not really mad.
You get me irritated sometimes, like now when you keep pushing me after I tell you “No,”
but
that’s dumb for me to get annoyed because that’s just your way of doing things. Still it
bugs me
. [SELF-DISCLOSURE, NEGATIVE ASSERTION, and SELF-DISCLOSURE]

MOM
: Well, if I’ve upset you, I apologize. (Quick tears flowing) I just want us to be together and not grow apart from each other.

SANDY
:
I know that, Mom. I want us to be close too
. But
if I want a life of my own, sometimes I have to put my foot down and say “No,” even to you and Dad. I don’t know any other way to do it. I wish I did
… but
I don’t
. [SELF-DISCLOSURE and NEGATIVE ASSERTION]

MOM
: You don’t have to chop my head off just because I’m concerned about you.

SANDY
:
That’s true, I shouldn’t chop your head off, Mom
, and
I’ll try not to if you try not to push
. Okay? [FOGGING and WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

MOM
: Does this mean you don’t want to see us anymore?

SANDY
:
I’m sure I give that impression, Mom
, but
I don’t mean to. I think this is just something I have to get out of my system; feeling like I’m still tied to your apron strings. After a while of not coming over to your place as much, I’m sure it won’t bother me anymore
. [FOGGING, SELF-DISCLOSURE, and WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

MOM
: (Sniffing) You’ll at least call me to let me know how you are?

SANDY
:
I’ll call you every week if that will make you feel better about what I want to do
. [WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

MOM
: That’s a promise?

SANDY
:
That’s a promise I’ll try and keep
, but
remember … sometimes I forget things. I’m not perfect
. [WORKABLE COMPROMISE and NEGATIVE ASSERTION]

MOM
: That’s for sure. But you’ll try?

SANDY
: I’ll try. [WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

During the first few encounters when Sandy assertively coped with her mother’s demands upon her,
things did not always go smoothly. Several times her mother hung up the phone, and except for once when Sandy immediately called her back to continue asserting herself to her mother, Mom always called back in a few days as if nothing had happened between them. After a number of assertive discussions over the phone, Sandy felt less and less pressure from her parents to do things their way. Her mother even stopped trying to tell her how to be a better schoolteacher. After this change began to be apparent, Sandy felt that both her parents gave her more and more respect for doing things the way she wanted to do them. If the way Sandy wanted to do something, to go shopping, for instance, fit in with Mom’s plans, they were both happy; if not, Mom stopped her bitching and nudging and made her own arrangements the way Sandy did. What Sandy found most curious about the results of her asserting her independence as an adult was that even her Yiddishe momma had
adult
worries and fears about being older and alone that an
adult daughter
could help her mother cope with on an adult-to-adult basis.

Although Sandy’s predicament with her parents was very upsetting to her before she teamed to cope with it, the judgmental power she previously gave to her parents was not based upon any stereotyped sex role; it is not just women who have this problem with their parents, as you can see in the next dialogue.

Dialogue #29
Paul finally stops his father
from interfering with
his marriage and
his work.

Paul had much the same problem with his parents as Sandy in the previous dialogue had with hers until he reached the age of thirty. Before Paul learned to be more assertive in his dealings with his parents, he relied heavily upon them for many things. They, instead of the bride’s family, had arranged all the details of his wedding to Connie, ten years previously. They chose
the godparents to Paul and Connie’s two children. They helped out financially several times when his business was slow, and they capitalized a new business when his first venture went bankrupt. All of this in spite of the fact that Paul’s parents were not even financially secure themselves, let alone wealthy. Viewed through clinical eyes, Paul’s parents wanted very much for Paul to do things their way, for Paul to be the kind of son that they wanted him to be. All this meddling in Paul’s affairs was done in an altruistic “family” way, with the end result that Paul was quite dependent upon his parents, even after he became an adult in a chronological and legal sense. Twice during his ten years of marriage to Connie, Paul had separated from her. Both times, Dad intervened and talked Paul into going back to Connie even though Paul had said he was utterly miserable living with her. Paul and Connie never had any significant marital battles even though there was a lot of conflict between them over money, religion, raising of the children, and how Paul “should” spend his relaxation time—for himself or doing things Connie wanted him to do. Connie’s style of controlling Paul was to cut him up manipulatively without getting angry and Paul responded to Connie in the same way that he dealt with his parents; he quietly “argued” back, did not cut Connie up verbally the way she did him, but gave in most of the time. I saw Paul in an assertive therapy setting shortly after his tenth wedding anniversary. At the anniversary party given them by his parents (who else?), Paul got very drunk, and his smoldering anger and resentment—built up over the years by Connie’s “pussy whipping”—finally exploded in a drunken act. After two hours of her nagging him to stop drinking so much, he walked over to the buffet, picked up the anniversary cake his mother had baked for them, walked back to Connie, told her: “Go screw yourself,” and dropped the cake over her head. Paul then walked out of the party and drove to a motel for the night. When he sobered up the next day, he went home and told Connie that he was sorry he ruined the party, but that
if she didn’t stop nagging him in the future he was going to “belt her one right in the mouth.” After a verbal fight that lasted several hours, Connie told Paul that he was mentally sick and should get treatment. Apparently willing to try anything that might help his situation, Paul consulted with a colleague for a few sessions and was referred to me for assertive therapy. After several weeks of intensive assertive therapy, Paul asked if he could bring Connie in to his sessions with me. After discussing why he wanted Connie to see me, it became apparent that Paul wanted me to be the referee for their interactions. I told Paul that I would see him and Connie together if she was willing to take part in marital counseling, but experience had taught me that it would serve no therapeutic purpose for me to be a referee between them—telling one that this particular behavior was wrong, the other that this behavior is right,
etc.
Paul agreed that his request was only a manipulative attempt to get me to tell Connie that her behavior toward him was wrong, but he still thought that marital counseling for both of them was a good idea. Paul talked to her about it and Connie agreed to taking part in therapy; I saw them conjointly for a number of weekly sessions. Things went smoothly for the first few sessions with Paul taking the “hot seat,” being quite open about his feelings and wanting to explore them with Connie, perhaps because he was feeling less anxious about himself and his behavior after some assertive therapy. When I tried to see how Connie was coping emotionally in her marriage relationship, she balked about getting involved. She resisted specifically the conditions I laid down at our first meeting. I had explained that initially in marital counseling the only goal I would work toward was the exploration of each partner’s feelings about the marriage relationship. The exploration was aimed at helping each of them to decide if they wished to continue the relationship, work toward new ways of coping with one another, separate temporarily, or permanently, get a divorce, or whatever other alternative they wished to work out. Once the
goal of deciding what to do about the marriage was reached, Paul and Connie could either work in conjoint therapy on new ways of living with each other, or if they chose, I would work with each of them individually to help them cope with the crisis of separation and/or divorce. Connie passively resisted any attempts to allow Paul to come to a decision about the marriage—any decision that is, which differed with her desire: a return to the previous status quo, with Paul “behaving himself” according to Connie’s standards. She insisted that Paul was the “identified patient”; he was the one who needed therapy to straighten out his thinking. She was apparently unwilling to explore any new ways of thinking about their common marital problems. In the face of Connie’s unwillingness to look at her own contribution to their dilemma, Paul gave up trying and opted for separation leading to a divorce. Connie then disengaged herself from therapy while Paul asked for continued counseling about the habits that got him into trouble, as well as learning to cope with other people. Paul requested specific practice in assertively coping with his dad’s manipulation in his marital affairs since he had decided upon divorce twice before and his father had reasoned him out of it Paul rehearsed being assertive with one immediate goal in mind, one that we both agreed upon as important: achieving independence from his parents’ influence without fleeing from them or alienating them, if that was at all possible. After Paul was coached to respond assertively to the same manipulations his father had used before to control his decision about divorce (and also throwing in some he hadn’t heard before), he saw his parents, dealt with their objections, but went beyond what we had practiced. The following dialogue is a shortened version of a discussion between Paul and his father that took place over an afternoon.