When I Say No, I Feel Guilty (38 page)

ME
: Do you want me to stop talking?

PAUL
: No.

ME
: Why was he worried about you selling the shop?

PAUL
: (Looking at me uncomfortably)

ME
: You got a hunch running around inside?

PAUL
: Yeah, but I don’t like to think about it.

ME
: Do you know the sound a hammer makes when it hits solid steel? That true ringing sound?

PAUL
: Yes.

ME
: Does your hunch have the same feeling? That same solid true ring?

PAUL
: I think so.

ME
: Then say it. Why was your dad worried about you selling your shop?

PAUL
: He was counting on me all along if things went wrong to bail him out.

ME
: Did he ever tell you that?

PAUL
: No, never.

ME
: Do you know why he never told you?

PAUL
: No.

ME
: Why didn’t he accept the fact that you were in trouble and wanted a divorce?

PAUL
: If I divorced Connie, that would screw the family up and he couldn’t count on me.

ME
: How?

PAUL
: I might split and live somewhere else. Then he couldn’t count on me.

ME
: What would you have to do first before you could split?

PAUL
: Sell the shop. Just like I told him I wanted to do.

ME
: And what would worry him about selling the shop?

PAUL
: Me and the shop making money was his insurance policy in case he couldn’t work or when he retired.

ME
: Why do you think he kept bailing you out whenever you got in trouble and doing everything for you instead of letting you learn by taking your lumps like the rest of us?

PAUL
: I was his insurance policy and bailing me out was paying his premiums. I owed him! That son of a bitch! He’s been doing that all these years!

ME
: Do you think your father is a mean man?

PAUL
: No.

ME
: Then why did you call him a son of a bitch?

PAUL
: Because he used me! I tried to get a divorce twice and he stopped me because of his own problems!

ME
: Then why did you want to cry when he said he wanted your help?

PAUL
: He said he was worried about what might happen if he had to retire.

ME
: Did he control you because he was a son of a bitch or because he was worried?

PAUL
: I’ve never worried like that about my future. I’ve screwed up a lot but I’ve never worried about what would happen when I got old.

ME
: Do you know now why he manipulates you?

PAUL
: Yes. I don’t like it but I know why.

ME
: You know now why I feel sad about your father?

PAUL
: I feel sad about it too. The poor bastard.

ME
: Do you still feel like a little boy that your father has to keep checking up on?

PAUL
: No.

ME
: Do you know what to say if you feel like he is checking up on you?

PAUL
: I think so.

ME
: For example?

PAUL
: Dad. Stop worrying about things. I can handle it.

ME
: Are you still unhappy about the situation?

PAUL
: Yes.

ME
: Reality isn’t nice sometimes.

PAUL
: It sure as hell isn’t for me.

ME
: (Pompously) Which would you rather be: unhappy and controlled by your father, or unhappy and in charge of your own life and able to change what you want?

PAUL
: (Sarcastically) What do you think?

ME
: (Dead serious) I hope you’ve learned everything I’ve tried to teach you.

PAUL
: You’re getting to sound like my father!

ME
: (Smiling) You’re learning fast. May I offer some advice?

PAUL
: Sure.

ME
: Don’t let anybody make your decisions for you,
including me
.

In the next set of everyday life situations, you can see how several people assertively cope with manipulation in a relationship that thankfully for the survival of the human species, has more promise of good feelings and closeness than the relationship between Paul and his father: the mating of men and women.

Dialogue #30
Dana and Beth cope with
friendly manipulation
from their sexual
partners, and
many a young
co-ed learns
how to say
“No.”

In this set of social-sexual dialogues, two young women, Dana and Beth, assertively and successfully
cope with their own mixed feelings about bed and marriage. In the second dialogue, a psychologist demonstrates to generally unsophisticated young co-eds how to assertively yet emphatically say “No” (if they want to say “No”) to possible sexual partners who may manipulatively try to talk them into bed.

Dana is a twenty-seven-year-old merchandise buyer. She impressed me as a very bright young woman who could not be classified as either beautiful or homely in face or figure: interesting and not unattractive. Dana described her own heterosexual dating lifestyle as that of a single woman who was required to actively hustle single men for dates with the qualities of her personality instead of passively with her physical appearance. As you might suspect, Dana spent many a night alone or on a “Dutch treat” basis in singles’ bars. During assertive therapy, Dana reported a situation that, for her at least, was unusual and boosted her ego and self-respect quite a bit. Several weeks before the incident described in the dialogue, she met a man who “turned her on” sexually and whom she was attracted to generally; she liked John’s way of being attentive to her, his intelligence, his physical appearance. Consequently, as a result of both her general low self-confidence and being attracted to him physically, she went to bed with him on the first date (they met in a singles’ bar) even though, as she reported later, she really didn’t want to have sex then. This liaison produced no Victorian guilt for Dana, but made her feel rotten; she had had sex with someone she hardly knew when she would rather have not. Not surprisingly, she didn’t enjoy herself, although her partner seemed to have a great time. As I suggested, and Dana identified with, many single women feel that sexual relations in dating situations are their admission tickets into a relationship with men; they are paying a price for not being lonely instead of mutually sharing something both exciting and tender. In Dana’s case, she operated under a current variation of our old manipulative structure and belief system, i.e., that nowadays under the aegis of the sexual revolution, “Everybody’s doing it” or “If a woman doesn’t
put out, she must have a neurotic hangup,” or “She won’t get dated again.” After dealing with this sometimes painful situation in a more assertive way, Dana found out that such statements about sexual behavior (either from herself or from others) have just about as much truth in them as the manipulative statements many people used to control her behavior in other areas of her life. In clinically working with women of all ages and circumstances, single, divorced, widowed, I have observed that such structured beliefs about the new sexual expectations are used by some of them as an excuse for not getting involved in other meaningful activities—activities which might produce growth and change to make them interesting to new men on other than just a sexual basis. Forming a relationship primarily on the basis of sexual intercourse is a “cheap shot” and quite easy to do. The only difficulty with it is that such a relationship doesn’t last very long, at least for the women (and men too!) whom I see clinically. The problem for many of them is that they want an “instant” close relationship and don’t want to have to go through the doubt, uncertainty, and hard work of the slow and sometimes painful building of such a close relationship. This, then, was the situation Dana realized she was in, specifically with John, and drifting toward generally with other men. However, she coped with it very well on a second chance meeting with John, using the assertive verbal skills she had learned in other situations without specific practice applied to social-sexual behavior.

Setting of the dialogue: Dana is seated with an old friend, Jan, whom she has not seen in several years. Seated in a booth in a Redondo Beach singles’ bar that Dana visited often in the past, they are excitedly chatting about old times and friends (gossiping) when John comes in, sees Dana, walks up to the two women, leans over their table and speaks:

JOHN
: Hi, Dana, how are you?

DANA
: Hello, I’m fine. Yourself?

JOHN
: (Looking straight at Jan) Okay. Who’s your cute friend? I don’t think we’ve ever met before.

DANA
: (To Jan) Jan, this is Johnny. (To John) Jan is an old friend I haven’t seen for years. We just ran into each other a few minutes ago.

JAN
: Nice to meet you, Johnny.

JOHN
: (To no one in particular) I’ve got a great idea. Why don’t the three of us have a few drinks here together and later I’ll get one of my friends to join us.

DANA
: (Without consulting with Jan)
That would be nice, Johnny
, but
I’d like to just sit and talk to Jan for a while
. [FOGGING and BROKEN RECORD]

JOHN
: That friend I spoke about. He’s a great guy, Jan would really like to meet him.

DANA
:
I understand how you feel
, but
I’d just like to be alone to talk to Jan for a while. Afterwards
…? [SELF-DISCLOSURE, BROKEN RECORD, and WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

JOHN
: We had such super vibes last time, Dana. I’m sure Jan would understand and you two could talk later.

DANA
: (Smiling)
That’s super you remembered, and I understand how you feel, but I just want to sit and talk to Jan for a while
. [SELF-DISCLOSURE and BROKEN RECORD]

JOHN
: Dana. You don’t think I’m going to let two groovy foxes who really turn me on sit alone here!

DANA
:
I understand how you feel, Johnny
, but
I just want to sit alone with Jan for a while
[SELF-DISCLOSURE and BROKEN RECORD]

JOHN
: But there is no one else in this whole place worth being with except you two. Do you want to ruin my whole evening? Would you refuse a glass of water to a man dying of thirst?

DANA
:
You may be right
, but
I still want to talk to Jan for a while
. [FOGGING and BROKEN RECORD]

JOHN
: Last time was so great, I’ve been hoping to run into you again.

DANA
: (Again smiling and beginning to enjoy herself)
I understand how you feel
, but
I just want to talk to
Jan
. Tell you what, though.
I’m free on Friday night. Why don’t we get together then?
[SELF-DISCLOSURE, BROKEN RECORD, and WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

JOHN
: (Taken aback for a moment) Oh? … Okay … Here?

DANA
: How about dinner first and then here or somewhere else?

JOHN
: Okay. What if I pick you up at seven?

DANA
: Why don’t you give me a call at work before Friday and we can work out the details? (Writing her work phone number on a napkin)

JOHN
: Okay…

JAN
: Nice meeting you, Johnny. See you around.

JOHN
: Same here.

Dana’s experience in asserting her independence from a social-sexual partner without resorting to hostility or blaming John for her own mixed feelings about being talked into bed was a delight to her. Not only was Dana able to cope with John’s “make” without telling him to go to hell, but she had begun the process of assertively renegotiating the basis of their future relationship. I asked Dana what happened afterwards and how she felt about it.

ME
: Why did you want him to call you at work?

DANA
: I wanted us to go out on a regular date instead of meeting him in a bar for drinks.

ME
: So?

DANA
: So, I wanted him to call me. To make some effort. To hustle me for a change.

ME
: And what happened?

DANA
: He called on Thursday afternoon and guess what he said: “Would you still like to go out to dinner tomorrow?”

ME
: And?

DANA
: And I said “Yes” and we worked out the details. He asked if I had any preference in restaurants and I said I didn’t like Chasen’s or Frascatti’s; they were too expensive.

ME
: (Smiling) And he breathed a sigh of relief!

DANA
: No. He was straight up about it and said he wanted to go to a place in the Valley he liked. So I said okay.

ME
: And?

DANA
: And we went and I really enjoyed his company.

ME
: And?

DANA
: And we went just for drinks afterwards and talked.

ME
: And?

DANA
: And nothing! Pete, you’ve got a one-track mind!

ME
: You’re probably right, Dana, but what happened afterwards? Was it a repeat of the first time?

DANA
: No. After dinner, I told John that I liked him very much, but I had gone to bed with him just because I thought he wouldn’t have been interested in me if I hadn’t. And I didn’t like what I did.