When I Wake Up (6 page)

I did not share with Roy anything that I thought of. He had no idea what I was thinking, otherwise I think he would break up with me. What I think about only belongs to me, until one day I would find someone to give me the certainty that I can open up to. At that point of time, my thoughts belonged to my emptiness.

Every corner of Florida, every beach, and every restaurant that Roy took me was part of the winter adventure. Each declaration still echoes in my head, but it was not enough to fill me.

And what if I never meet anyone else? That also would not end my pain, nor fill my void. I've had other people before and they also failed to fill me completely, but I thought this was due to the fact that this little piece of my emptiness was there waiting to be filled by Roy. And he filled the hole of passion, which just showed me even more that the emptiness inside me grew and it hurt a lot, because I was almost coming to terms that Roy would not solve my problems and would not be able to fill my void.

Perhaps this was happening because I had imagined a fictitious Roy, different from the one of reality?

In addition to these thoughts, I had realized that my trip was coming to an end and that within a few days, I'd be without him and it would be very painful to give up the real Roy and to have for myself just the fictional Roy.

8

With two days until the end of my trip, we took a little trip to Orlando. It was my first time visiting Disney and Universal Studios. Everything was very beautiful. I was delighted with the amusement parks, with the rides and I could see that there were people from all over the world. Some had already spent a fortune to go on a trip that in a moment would come to an end and would simply leave them with a memory and a longing for a trip that has passed. The Disney experience, the adrenaline of the roller coasters, the 3D experiences, all of this would pass, but the rides would stay around and there would be scenarios for the lives of other people who also would spend a lot to have a unique experience. All of these passed. Every experience was ephemeral and I thought that was the reason for my emptiness, knowing that everything was temporary and nothing was eternal.

Roy looked like a child on those rides and how I liked being beside him. Not only was it the first time I visited Disney, but I was accompanied by my great love. Except that within two days it would be over and only my emptiness seemed to be eternal, waiting for me to take responsibility and would do something to fill it. But I was simply Sophia and I was almost giving up seeking answers to my questions, solutions to my problems and a remedy for my pains.

I sincerely hoped that the memory of my honeymoon with Roy, will serve to ease my pain, because if I did not have him with me, I would have at least besides fiction, memories and reminders to ease my pain and calm the void that does not stop growing within me.

We came back from Disney with a smile on our faces and the joy that the short trips provided us. We spoke about various topics, but we avoided the one that was really worrying us; my return to New York. How I wanted to continue with him, but I was too scared of it not working out because we lived apart.

I thought that my fear of it not working out came to be greater than my desire to be with him. I was very insecure and I knew that after I was gone, Roy would meet other girls or worse than that, perhaps the special person who may steal his heart from me and remove me from it. It looked like I already lived in his heart, but even so, I was really afraid of being expelled from it. If I could, I would remain there in Florida with him.

Nancy was never tired of telling me how much she would miss me:

“Sophia, the house will not be the same without you.”

“Oh Nancy, pretty soon you guys will forget me
,” I answered.

“Forgetting you is impossible, Sophia. You are unforgettable,”

Roy interrupted us with these comments that teased me, and how I wished I could believe him, but deep down I could not.

I spent all morning packing up bags and wiping away tears. I did not want Roy to see me crying, but the pain of longing had already taken care of my chest before I left. Each piece of clothing that I put in the suitcase, each accessory, had a story to tell about Roy and me. Each piece reminded me of something we did together and each reminder was accompanied with happy times, but also a great feeling of emptiness and sadness.

Before, I did not know what it was to have Roy. Then, I knew what it was to miss him and fear of losing him. I wanted the time to stop today and for the world to stay static, so that my stay there with him wouldn’t come to an end. Roy also had the option to ask me to stay. He could ask me to give up everything I have in New York, which is not much, because I only had a good job and good friends, but none of that compares to being next to him.

As I packed my suitcases, I lied to myself saying that, when I stood next to Roy, I did not feel the sadness that always took over me. That was not true. That void was still there.

I did not like parting. I did not like to say goodbye. I thought that it makes one live the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

Today, on January 18th, I was going back to New York and consequently having to say goodbye to Roy. How hard it was to say goodbye to him. I was afraid of not seeing him again. Of course, I would have to see him for an interview for immigration, but I was not talking about seeing him that way, but to be with him, physically and emotionally, together at the same time. At that moment, I thought it was unfair to have to leave. I was angry at having to say goodbye to him. In a few hours, I'd be in New York, away from Roy. But on one hand, I would not be so far from him, because although we have decided that we will not be in a relationship at a distance, because I did not believe in relationships where people are not together, my Roy will go with me in my heart.

I entered the room. My luggage was ready. Unfortunately, in a while I'll have to say goodbye to Roy. Have you ever imagined longing for something, getting to the point of having that person and when you were already getting used to them, you have to give up and say goodbye? That's how I felt. I could not see expectations or a happy ending in a few months, but I could only contemplate the pain of loss within my being.

Again, I had been deceived by my emotions and betrayed by the traps of life, but this time, I myself had built my own gibbet and signed my death sentence. Roy was not guilty. He was simply himself. I surely was guilty of all the pain that welled within me, for if I had not embarked on this marriage with the expectation of getting him, maybe today I would have been free from this feeling and would not have known the pain of the loss of Roy, because before I knew what it was like not to have him, but not lose him.

Now, besides it all, I knew exactly what it was to be beside him, feel his touch, be caressed and spoiled by him. Unique moments that deep down, despite the confusion that came into my mind and the hatred I felt for having to leave him, I would never give up that month I spent with him, for he was part of my story. He left my fiction and became a real character within my existential script.

And as for life? It was too cruel to me. Near or far from Roy, I felt sad, but now who knows if the longing I felt for him will give me strength to live and make me forget the void? After all, longing is better than emptiness. Because when you look at emptiness you see nothing and when you touch, you feel nothing and there is no greater pain than to have nothing concrete within yourself to give you strength to live.

We were at the airport. I had already done the check in online and was just pulling out my boarding pass at one of the terminals. Time flew and soon, I would have to embark. To hold back tears, I thought of the good times I had next to Roy and looked at him in a way as if I could save his picture in my mind and no longer forget it.

I already had the boarding pass and passport in hand, the suitcase had already been dispatched and the time was approaching. I knew I still had to go through security and this could take a while, so I had to do the inevitable; say goodbye to Roy. I turned to hug him. A strong and tight hug. It seemed like it would break me, from how tight he hugged me. How he gave me security. Even though we were surrounded by people, we kissed passionately, tears streaming down our faces as if it could wash our soul and ease our pain.

I was desperate. I wanted to contain this desperation at all costs. It was time, I had to go. I already had turned back when he pulled me and told me:

“Sophia this is not the end. We shall be together again.”

I went back into his arms and gave him one more kiss. Only the tears, the silence and the pain took control of me. Now, besides the void, whirlwinds of emotion and the longing that I've carried within me, I added something else, the promise made by Roy that one day we would be together for real.

I went through the security line, took off my shoes, my cell phone from my pocket, all that would give me a reason for the guards to frisk me. I walked from the security line to the departure gate. In forty five minutes, I would board. I sat there, watching people, and the planes outside, in the air and on the tarmac, but nothing made sense to me. I was not even worried if the plane would be delayed or not. For me, the only thing that made sense was my pain. My tears did not stop and continued rolling down my face and I did not even wipe them away. People shot me glances and looked away quickly.

The boarding for my flight was just announced. Goodbye Roy. Goodbye Florida. My phone vibrated, it was a message from Roy:
“It's not the end. I'm already missing you Sophia.”
I searched inside me to find a reason to believe that it was not the end, but I could not find any. Certainly, Roy would meet someone soon and I would just be Sophia, who passed through his life and loved him intensely.

I got on the plane. I sat by the window. I put on my seatbelt and closed my eyes. I decided to sleep in order to get away from myself and my pain.

“Ladies and gentlemen, please put your seats in the upright position and keep your seatbelts buckled. Within a few minutes we will be making our descent into JFK airport. Thank you for flying with us.”
I was awakened by the voice of the flight attendant. I looked at my side and did not see Roy and I realized I had slept the entire trip. In a few minutes I would be landing at JFK airport, alone, without Roy.

9

A few months went by. It’s been a long time since Roy and I have talked. Things did not happen the way I had imagined. Roy has received his legal status to stay in the United States and was no longer subject to deportation.

We spoke occasionally. We kept a distant friendly relationship, I in New York and he in Florida. For the first time since coming to the United States, he would be able to go visit Brazil.

I missed him a lot. The further I was from him, the more my heart ached, the emptiness grew and I recovered the hope that if I manage to win him back and be with him forever, that pain inside of me would go away.

Sometimes I did not even know which Roy I truly loved. If it’s the one who was in Florida; the one from my adolescence, or the character that I created in my imagination. Despite not being certain of which one I found to be my real love, I was inseparable from the one that I created. The Roy from my imagination was like some kind of idol, a feeling that solved my problems and eased my pain. My imaginary Roy accompanied me even when I was having other relationships. When something did not work, it was my imaginary love for Roy that gave me the strength to continue. I was certain that something had gone wrong because the right person for me was Roy and who knows, maybe one day he would come.

When I was going through painful situations, embarrassment, when it seemed that I had lost something, I reminded myself of the pain I felt when Roy had overlooked me, and anyway, I had managed to survive. One way or another, though, perhaps in a negative way, my passion for Roy, helped me to overcome difficult situations. I had learned to live with that feeling and giving up on it scared me.

I have lost count of how many times I cried thinking of Roy. Especially after Florida when he gave me his love and because of my insecurity, I did not know how to cultivate it.

How many times have I wanted to buy a one way ticket to Florida and stay there? But the fear of not being well received by him was the only thing that held me here in New York, a place where I had no roots, for I was not from there. But what kept me in New York? The hope of one day to be invited to go to a better place and conquer the desired happiness.

Whenever my IPhone vibrated, before I answered or looked at it, my heart pounded with the hope that Roy was getting in touch with me. Usually, the hope ended and the disappointment came when I looked at the screen and saw that it was not him. But there came my lucky day. After some time without contacting me, that very day when my iPhone rang, it was Roy on the other end.

“Hi, Roy, how are you?”
I answered, trying to sound as natural as possible.

“Sophia, it's been a while. I miss you.”

“Good to talk to you again, Roy. What's new?”
I asked, not to let the conversation die.

“The latest news is that I'm going to spend a month in Brazil next month. Do you want to go with me?”

What? Was I hearing right? I was either dreaming or Roy was really inviting me to spend a month with him in Brazil. It never even crossed my mind to refuse this invitation, but at the same time, I was overcome by the fear of not having his attention entirely on me there in Brazil.

“Where in Brazil? Home?”
I asked.

“No. I'm going to the coast of Bahia, spending a month with my brother and to revisit friends. Let's go?”

My heart raced. Again I was taking a chance with him. But something frightened me. His friends, those who were present in our teens, would be there. How would Roy behave with me in front of them? Would they agree with our relationship? Was the invitation to travel only to express his gratitude or an invitation to a second chance? Regardless of his intentions, I accepted it.