When I Was Five I Killed Myself (10 page)

Then Rudyard said, “I think I need a favor, Burt.”

“What?” I said. The little wooden boy left the
bathroom and went into the den, only he couldn't watch television because he didn't take his bath before Popeye.

“I was wondering if you'd help me. I have to go swimming today and I'm a little afraid is all.”

“You're a sissy,” I said.

“Thanks,” said Rudyard. “Actually I am scared of several things. Death and swimming. That's why I'm here. I'm supposed to be in the pool now, dying.”

“You are not,” I said. He was lying, man. He is a grown-up so he wasn't scared. He was lying.

“I am,” he said.

I threw the little wooden boy at him and shouted, “You are not, you are not! You lie, man! Sissies are afraid of swimming, only sissies are!”

But Rudyard didn't say anything. He just got up and picked the little wooden boy off the floor and held him in his hand. He held him in both hands.

First you go into the locker room. The lockers are smaller than the ones at school, but they are louder when they get slammed, like guns in my head. All the children run around and scream and hit each other and it makes me very afraid. They give you a towel but it isn't soft like at home, it scratches me. You have to undress in front of everybody. They give you a bathing suit, but it isn't yours, and they make you go to the showers which is a big room that is very hot and full of other children that you don't know and the spray is so hard it stings when it hits you and the room smells like naked people.

Then you have to cross the hall to get to the pool. It is very cold in the hall and the floor is slippery. I fell. Everybody laughed at me until Rudyard came and picked me up and looked at them and they all stopped. And he held my hand and we went into the pool part.

He put a thing on me, it looks like a football with cloth over it. First he put one on himself, only it was too small to go around, so he put two together and put them on. It looked funny. I would have laughed if I wasn't so afraid. But before he put one on me he took the buckle and breathed on it and rubbed it in his hands. “I hate it when they're cold,” he said, and he buckled me up. And it wasn't cold.

There were many other children in the pool. They were jumping in and splashing and yelling very loud. Rudyard looked at me and put his hand out. He held my hand and we walked together into the shallow part. It was very cold. I almost yelled, but Rudyard yelled first. He yelled, “It's too cold!” and he wouldn't go in. “Rudyard,” I said, “the other children will think you're a baby.” And he looked at me and said he didn't care what anybody thought. Except me. And I said, “We could just go in to where we can stand up.” And we went.

We were standing in the shallow part and there were children splashing all around. Rudyard yelled at them and they stopped splashing. He yelled that he was afraid of the water. He told them to go to another part of the pool to splash, and they went. He didn't even care if they thought he was a baby. And I was glad he made them go.

“What do you think?” he said to me, and pointed out into the pool. “Should we try?”

I was scared, only he was scared too.

“I'm too short,” I said. “It's too deep for me.”

“Well,” said Rudyard. “If I carried you, you wouldn't be too short, and I wouldn't be so afraid because you'd be with me.”

I looked at him. He put his hands around me very soft and then he lifted me up and held me tight.

“Squeeze me,” he said, “so I won't be afraid.” And I squeezed him very hard. We went out into the pool.

All the children screamed so loud that you couldn't hear anything. And suddenly Rudyard started screaming too. He yelled, “I'm afraid, I'm afraid!” But no one could understand him but me, and then I did something. I said, “You don't have to be afraid, Rudyard, I am here.” And he like hugged me. The water was up to my stomach.

“Sometimes it helps me to scream,” he said. “When I'm afraid. It doesn't matter if anyone hears or not. It helps me when I'm afraid.” And he squeezed me. “Squeeze me a little tighter, Burt,” he said. “That helps me too.” And I did. The water was up to my chest.

Somebody threw a ball, it landed right in Rudyard's face. He got real mad and yelled at the boy to get it away. The kid was scared of Rudyard. I never saw him mad before. “I get real mad when I'm afraid,” he said. “Everybody does. Sometimes they don't even know it. Next time you get mad, think about it. Maybe you're afraid of something, you know? Then you don't have to get mad.”

He started bouncing. Walking on the bottom up and down up and down, and the water came up higher on me, only it was ok, because he squeezed me tight, I knew he wouldn't let me go. And the water was up to my chin.

Then Rudyard squeezed me even tighter.

“It's too tight,” I said. “You're hurting me.” And he let go a little. He still bounced up and down. The football thing on my back was in the water and I felt it, it held me up. “Let go a little more,” I said.

“I don't know, Burt,” said Rudyard.

“It's ok,” I said. “Let go.”

He held on to my hands, and kept one arm around me too.

“Kick your feet,” he said. I did. And I went up against him. Then I stopped and I went backwards, he held my arm. Then I kicked again and I went toward him again. All by myself.

Rudyard started to laugh. “You're swimming,” he said. “Are you trying to make me look stupid?”

But I kicked my feet. And he let go of me a little more, he only held my wrist.

“Paddle with your hand!” he said. “Like this!” And I did, and I went up to him even faster.

“Push me away again!” I said, and he did and then I kicked and paddled and went up to him again, real fast.

Then a ball came and hit me on the head and my head went under the water and I couldn't breathe, everything was black. I tried to breathe, and then I
could. Because I was all the way out of the water, on Rudyard's shoulder, and he held me up high so I could breathe.

He was real mad. He swore at the kid who threw the ball. Then he put me against him and said, “Let's get out now.”

“No,” I said.

“No?”

“I can do it, Rudyard. I was swimming, man. I can swim, man.” And then he looked into my face, my face was right in front of his, and he smiled at me with his whole face. “That's right, man,” he said. And he put me back in the water. And walked right next to me the whole time with his hand under me almost touching, and didn't let anybody come near me or frighten me again, all the way to the end of the pool. I grabbed the side and turned around. Rudyard was way behind me. He gave me the High Sign. And I yelled, “High Sign,” and did it. Because I beat him, man. I swam all by myself. I swam, man.

When I got back from swimming I found something in my pocket. It was the papers I picked up off the floor in Dr Nevele's office.

I copied this on the wall. I can copy, man. But I don't understand. It is too big words.

A
FTER THE
S
PELLING
B
IT STARTED TO GET COLD
. I
WAS
surprised, I am always surprised at seasons. This is because I am a child and everything takes longer to me. I think it will be summer forever. But it never is. (We had seasons in Science. Miss Ackles said that the sun hits us crooked or something, only I didn't understand, so I got it wrong when she put it on the Science test. I got an X on my paper next to that answer. X means wrong. C means right. Miss Ackles uses a checking pencil to check our papers. Checking pencils are my favorite as school supplies except for reinforcements, they are red on one side and blue on the other. They are reversible, like jackets. No zippers.)

Soon the weather got quite freezing outside and all the leaves fell down and I had to rake them, which I hate, to be candid. It is like shoveling with holes in it. Lucky for me we have a tree who is a baby so we don't have many leaves. (Our old one got cut down. He was dead.)

About a week after the Spelling B, Miss Iris announced that we were going to have a Halloween party in Homeroom. Everybody had to wear costumes (except the Home Kids, because they are poor and can't afford them, only Marty Polaski said they could come as poor children. Miss Iris laughed. “You mean ragamuffins?” she said. But I don't understand. I think it is when you put like bread on yourself.)

Everyone was supposed to bring refreshments to the Halloween party. I signed up for cookies. My mom makes them, they are very scrumptious.

I wear costumes all the time, not just for Halloween. They are quite marvelous as clothing. My mom makes them for me. (Except for Tom Corbett Space Cadet, which is from a store, she bought it for Jeffrey two years ago and he gave it to me because last year he went as a fruit.)

But my best costume is Superman.

I asked for a Superman suit a long time ago but my dad said no I had enough costumes. Then one day he brought home a box from the store and said it was a surprise for his number-two son (which is me). I opened it and it was a Superman suit only when I put it on I didn't like it because it was baggy and shiny, not like the real Superman who has a real tight one so his muscles show. (He puts his hands on his hips and the bullets bounce off.) But my dad said I had to wear it anyway since he bought it so I had a conniption fit and threw books down the stairs and got sent to my room. Later my mom came and said she would
give the Superman suit to poor children and make me a real one for the Halloween party. I said, “Make sure it's tight.”

That same night Jeffrey gave me a present, it was his ID bracelet, because he got a new one for his birthday. It is swift, man.

The next morning Shrubs called for me for school, like every morning. Then while I eat breakfast he sneaks into the den and steals candy from my mom's glass thing. (We have all different kinds, there is even one kind that squirts when you suck on them, I call them hand grenades.)

On the way to school that morning I told Shrubs about the Superman suit and he said “Cool, man,” and then I showed him the ID bracelet and he said “Cool, man” again. He said he was going to make his Halloween costume out of cardboard boxes from the furniture store across the street. I said what are you going to go as. He said a cardboard box.