When I Was Five I Killed Myself (13 page)

(I feel Santa is phony baloney because he laughs all the time and I don't know what's so funny, to be candid.)

Then Jeffrey said, “I would also like a cowboy shirt and pants and boots with real spurs on them.”

Santa said, “Ho ho.”

Then Jeffrey got off.

I started to walk away but Dad grabbed my hand and pulled me back. I said, “No I have to fix something,” but he said come on. So I sat on Santa. He was hot.

“Where's Blitzen?” I said.

“Blitzen who?” he said.

“You know.”

He said, “Ho ho.”

“Are you Jewish?” I said.

Santa didn't say anything.

“Are you?”

Then he said, “Well, I don't know. Well, yes, I guess Santa Claus is all religions. I guess I am.”

All the parents started to take their children out of line. They heard. Santa said, “I didn't mean that,” but pretty soon there wasn't anybody left. My dad grabbed me and we went.

It was warm for Thanksgiving, it didn't even snow, and by the time we got home it was raining. My mom was still cooking dinner, it smelled an aroma and my
daddy read the newspaper and Jeffrey looked at a magazine.

I said, “Mom, how come they don't have Jessica in the phone book?”

“Who's that, Honey?”

“Jessica, a girl.”

“They only have daddies' names in the phone book, Sweetheart, last names,” she said.

I took it out and turned to Renton, it was like a dictionary, I could use it, and there was only one Renton on Marlowe.

I am scared of telephones because once the operator came on and yelled at me for dialing too slow, but I dialed the telephone then. I wanted to tell Jessica that Santa Claus was Jewish.

It rang. Then it stopped. Then it rang, then it stopped.

A girl answered, she said, “Hello?”

“Is this Jessica?” I said, I was nervous, man. “This is Burt from school.”

But her voice was wrong, it didn't sound like Jessica, and I deduced that she was crying.

“Oh Burt,” she said. “My daddy is dead.”

R
AIN SAYS A NOISE
: S
HH
. Y
OU CAN HEAR IT WHEN IT
comes down. It is God telling us to be quiet.

On the afternoon of Thanksgiving I kneeled backwards on the couch in the living room of our house and looked out the window across the street at the Nemsicks who came out of their house with newspapers over their heads and got inside their car. They were all dressed up. They were laughing. But the motor in their car cried and smoke came out and I thought, They are going to a funeral, which is a party without presents.

From the living room I could smell the kitchen where Mom cooked dinner. The table in the dining room had the good tablecloth on it and the good plates from the china cabinet which I am not allowed to touch. There were the good glasses and the silverware with flowers on the ends and napkins made out of cloth, not paper, like little baby tablecloths.

I looked out the window at the street. Rain fell
down in little torpedoes on the cars and made splashing like fog on them. It made lines on the windows, like clear finger painting. I raced two raindrops down. I put my nose against the glass and made fog donuts by breathing and Martian footprints which you make with your hand, it looks like Martians have been walking on the window pane, trying to get out.

I went to the hall closet. I took out my raincoat and boots and put them on.

My raincoat is yellow, it is like a banana peel on the outside. It has cloth on the inside with sailboats on it. There is a hat too, it has a hole for my face. The sleeves on my raincoat are too long, but my mom says I will grow into it. They hang over my hands.

My boots are rubber with like tires on the bottom so I don't fall down. They have snaps that jingle and I can't do them right because I am little.

Inside my raincoat I had somebody with me, he had on red shorts and yarn for hair. Jerry the Puppet, I had him with me.

Inside the hall closet also was my father's coat, I had wore it to see Santa and there was somebody in the pocket of it too. It was Monkey Cuddles, I took him to see Santa Claus. He told me that Jessica was very sad but he couldn't go because he was in my dad's pocket, cooking dinner.

I opened the front door. I went.

The rain made thumps on my rain hat that sounded like drums, but my mom says that rain is fairies dancing on the roof, and sometimes I do something when
nobody sees, I open the window and put a towel on the window sill and say, “You can come in, fairies, I will turn off the light so I can't see you.”

The sidewalk on Lauder is made out of squares of cement with like filling in between. It goes down Lauder and turns the corner. I followed it. I was going somewhere, I turned down Clarita and looked at the houses. Inside them I saw people watching television and some of them had decorations in the windows with tinsel around them and one house had a shoebox scene in the window, like I make at school sometimes. This one had hay and camels and sheeps and a baby in it with a gold fan around his head. (Once I made a shoebox scene for extra credit for Social Studies. I wanted a B so my mom wouldn't be disappointed. It was Benjamin Franklin. I cut him out of the
Golden Book Encyclopedia
and folded his feet so he stood up. I named it “Benjamin Franklin Stands Up.” I got a C anyway.)

I turned down Marlowe. The trees usually make like a tunnel, they touch almost, but now they were bald. It looked like they were shaking hands over the street, but they couldn't reach because Jessica's father died.

And then I was at Jessica's house, with blue shutters. I stopped in front of it. I stood and looked. The front door was open. There was a walk up to it, like we have, and there was an R on the screen door like we have. Exactly. I stood in front on the sidewalk, in my raincoat, and watched.

The driveway was full of cars, they had license plates on them that said “Michigan, the Water Wonderland.”

Jessica's house had a lamp post on the lawn, it looked like a little streetlight. You never see streetlights go on. They are always just on. The lamp post on Jessica's lawn was on. I stood and watched it.

A dog came up to me. He was wet. He was beige. He came out of the bushes from the house next door and went on Jessica's lawn and smelled her bushes and then went in them and made. He came over to me. He sat down right next to me and watched Jessica's house. We watched it together. Then he went.

Jessica's house has awnings, they looked like eyelids, and the rain came down them and I thought, Her house is crying too. But I stayed right where I was in case she needed me or something.

The front door opened. A man and a lady came out. They had a big umbrella. They had hats. They had black clothes on, because it was a funeral. Jeffrey told me you wear black so it'll be dark and the dead person won't wake up. The man and the lady came down the front walk. They almost walked into me. They got in the last car on the driveway, and started it. Then they rolled down the window and said, “Can I help you, little boy?”

“No I'm just looking,” I said.

I watched them drive away to Seven Mile Road where there was a lot of traffic, you could see there was spray from the cars in the rain and noise. I am not allowed to cross Seven Mile. It is too busy. It has lines painted on it and there are stores not houses.

I waited in front of Jessica's house. I looked out the
hole of my rain hat. The house next door's front door opened and two children came out. It was Roger and Joey Lester, I knew them from school, they are twins but don't look alike. They looked at me but they didn't know it was me because of the rain hat. I didn't say anything. They walked down Marlowe. I never knew they lived there, but sometimes Shrubs plays with them. He said they are poor. They don't have any toys, so they play with their socks.

Jessica's house has a tree in front. A monkey jumped out of it and landed on my shoulder and told me in monkey language that there were natives on Seven Mile Road who were coming to kill Jessica, so I put my hand around my mouth and gave the call and all the elephants came and scared them away. The monkey said thanks. He went.

Mom said rain is when God fixes his water faucet. She said that God sees everything so I better be good. I asked her if God knows how Milky the Clown does his magic tricks on “Milky's Party Time,” on tv. (Sometimes I wave at God. He sees me. He is my friend because once I prayed for the Tigers to win and they did.)

I stood in front of Jessica's. I smelled my raincoat, it smells like a tent when it gets wet. (Once I was in a tent, at Northland at Bill's Sporting Goods, they had some and I went in. It was like camping out. It smelled.)

Then a truck pulled up to Jessica's. It was blue. It said “Paul's Fine Food” on the side, somebody painted it. A man got out and he went around and opened a door in the back and took out a big tray with food on
it. He went up the front walk into Jessica's house. I looked at the truck. I thought, I could steal the truck and rescue Jessica and drive to Florida, but the man came back. He looked at me.

“Hey, kid, you lost or something?”

I didn't say a reply.

“You ought to get in out of the rain. It ain't healthy, kid,” he said.

“You shouldn't say ain't,” I told him, but he didn't hear me, he was gone.

I looked at all the windows in Jessica's house. I thought maybe she saw me, she was watching me, but I didn't see her, but maybe she was, they were all foggy. I stayed anyway.

Roger and Joey Lester came back, they had a bag, I deduce they were shopping. They looked at me again and I did this with my hand only they didn't wave back. They went in their house and shut the door.

The wind made the rain go like in curves on the street, and blew inside my hat, I looked out the hole. A branch fell down from the tree behind me. A squirrel ran inside a tree. A car went past. A door slammed down the block. A newspaper blew past me. Somebody yelled, “Collect for the
News
.” An airplane went in the sky. On Seven Mile Road there was almost an accident. It started to get dark. It was almost night. I stood in front of Jessica's. I stood and watched.

A man went into her house with flowers. An old woman came out with plastic over her hair to keep it dry. Another lady opened the front door and looked at
me but she just shook her head and went back in.

Then it was dark. I saw that the streetlights were on but I still didn't see them go on. I took Jerry the Puppet and walked on Jessica's lawn up to the little lamp post on her grass. I put him down at the bottom of it, and then I took off my rain hat and put it over him like a little tent for Jerry the Puppet.

I looked one more time at her house, and then I started to walk home, it was still raining and I didn't have my rain hat but I didn't care. I was thinking about something else maybe. I had on my raincoat. The sleeves hung over my hands.

When I got home my mom was very angry.

“How dare you walk out of here without telling anyone. You've had us worried sick,” she said. “And you've made dinner get cold, we all waited for you, look at the time. Where have you been?”

I took off the raincoat and hung it neatly in the closet. I took off my boots (my shoes stuck inside them like always, I had to pull them out separate). I put my boots away.

There were many people in my house. There was noise and cigar smoke from my uncles.

I walked up the stairs to my room. I closed the door. I layed down on my bed. I looked out the window.

I got up. I sat on the other bed. I got up again. I went and sat at my desk. I got up again. I walked over to my closet. I opened the door. I went in and closed the door.

O
N
M
ONDAY MORNING AFTER
T
HANKSGIVING VACATION
I woke up and everything was different. Outside was drizzling and I looked at it and thought, Nothing is the same now. I looked at my cowboy lamp, one of the cowboys was playing a harmonica, I knew it was taps.

My mom came into my room while I was putting on my pants and she saw my peenie and I yelled. She said, “My God, I'm your mother, aren't I?” And I said no (because I think I am adopted).

But she made breakfast like always and swallowed loud like always and then Shrubs called on me and while I was getting my coat he went in the den and stole candy out of the glass thing.

It was like I hadn't gone to school in a long time. On the way I thought that Jessica wouldn't be there but I would be in her room because she has Miss Iris for belltime and I was going to make Miss Iris a new Christmas bulletin board. But Jessica would be absent
because you are allowed when somebody dies. (Once I was. Sophie's sister died and I went to the funeral, it was a little church downtown with all colored negroes in it except us. Mom had to run up to the front and hug Sophie, she cried so hard.)

“Do you want the orange ones or the grape ones?” said Shrubs. He pulled out some candy, but he couldn't take the cellophane off because he was wearing his hockey gloves. He always wears them, they are giant. They have pads on them all the way up and the fingers are real big, you can put two in one and then make like one of your fingers fell off. I took a grape one, it was a hand grenade.

(I lost my gloves. I always do. I don't know where they go. Mom says, “They don't just get up and walk away,” and I say, “No, mine drove, they went to Florida for the winter like Aunt Fran and Uncle Les.” She says, “Don't open up your mouth.” She even bought me things that clip on my jacket so you don't lose your gloves. I lost my jacket. My mom said I would lose my head if it weren't screwed on but I said I would find it easy because I know what it looks like, only mirrors make you backwards.)

I went right to Miss Iris' room to make the bulletin board. I sat in the back, I didn't even have to listen. I got one of the new desks, they have hard stuff on the top like a kitchen. I like new desks, they are smooth and you don't have to put paper under your paper because of marks.