When I'm Gone (10 page)

Chapter 18-September 5, 2001 (Claire)

“Yes, Alex,” Michael repeated.
“How did he end up with you?”
“
This is a shorter story,” I explained and he nodded, smiling mockingly at me. I rolled my eyes and dried another tear.
“Go on,” he said and waited impatiently for me to start. I took in a deep breath.
“After I moved here, I rarely spoke or heard from Alex. He was always quiet; encased in his own little world. But, he loved music and art. He is a great drawer and can play the piano really well. That’s all he wanted to do since he was little. At age four, he got his first
instument
; a little piano. He started playing and we were amazed at how quickly he learned new pieces. I had always thought that he would end up somewhere big.
Once Alex turned sixteen, he went out to celebrate with some of his friends. They snuck into a bar and caused a great deal of trouble. The police showed up and arrested him and his friends, taking them to jail. My dad showed up and put on a good front for the police. Hugging Alex and saying that he was glad he was okay.
The ride home was silent. Alex knew what was going to happen when they got home. He was trying to prepare himself for it.”
My breath was coming out in
short,
shallow gasps and I closed my eyes. I couldn’t let the tears come out again. Not now.
“What did your dad do?” Michael muttered. Even he knew what was coming. I smiled weakly.
“After they got home, my dad started yelling at him. Alex picked a bad decision and started yelling back. My dad hit him and they got into it. It stopped after my dad threw a glass vase at him. It shattered and Alex had to go the
the
hospital, with shards covering his arms.
The next week he showed up at my doorstep with stitches in his skin and bruises all over his face. I let him in and he started high school here. We haven’t heard from our dad yet.”
I noticed that I was crying again and groaned.
“You okay?” Michael asked. I looked over at him and noticed tears
brimming
his eyes too. I nodded numbly and tried to smile at him
.
“I just can’t believe he did that to us,” I stated. Michael nodded his agreement and frowned.
“Why can’t you go to the police?” he asked.
“Because they will take Alex away.
I can’t let that happen. He is all I have left. The only person I can trust and love. He would never hurt me. He is like my twin. My other half,” I sobbed. I covered my eyes and I let the tears fall. Michael placed a hand on my back and started rubbing.
“I’m sorry, Claire,” he murmured. Suddenly his voice got hard and tense. “But you lied.”
“What?” I was astonished. “No I didn’t. That whole story is the truth. I would never lie to you.”
“I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about the part where you said that he is ‘the only person you can trust and love’. That is a total and complete lie. You trust me. I can see it in your eyes. And you trust me enough to tell me these stories of you past. And I know you love me. I know it.” He finished his little rant and leaned back on the couch. I stared at him for a moment before answering.
“I may trust you, but I don’t love you,” I shot back. Michael shrugged and smiled.
“I think you do,” he said and leaned closer to me. He pressed his lips to my cheek, leaving behind a trail of fire. He pulled away too soon and stood up. He dropped my hand and smiled wistfully.
“But,” I started. He raised his eyebrows and I fell silent.
“I won’t see you until Friday,” he stated. It was my turn to raise my eyebrows. “I have to work today and tomorrow. I will be here at seven to take you and Alex to breakfast on Friday.
Oh, and Claire?”
“Yeah?”
I looked at him expectantly, waiting to hear a sarcastic remark
.
“I love you,” he said and winked at me. Without saying another word, he walked away, letting himself out of the door. I looked down at my empty mug of coffee and frowned.
I took a quick glance at the kitchen clock; it said that it was already 9:30. Sighing, I stumbled into my bedroom. I jumped onto my bed, pulling the blankets up to my chin. Soon enough, I was falling asleep, my snores echoing through the empty apartment.
-------------------------------------------------
“Claire,” someone called my name.
“Claire, wake up. It’s Thursday morning.”
“
Ungh
.
Leave me alone,” I mumbled, waving the person away. My blankets were yanked from me and I could feel the chill of the air coming through the vent in the ceiling. “What?”
“Claire you have to get up. You stayed in bed all day yesterday, crying and sleeping. Today, get up and move around. Go read a book. Go to the school. Go do something!” Alex exclaimed and tugged on a strand of my hair. I opened my eyes and looked pointedly at him. His green eyes hinted at disapproval and I groaned. Sitting up, I stretched my hands over my head.
“Okay. Okay, let me get dressed and we will go to the park,” I compromised and he smiled in victory.
“Fantastic, I will go get dressed too,” he said and ran out of my room. I laughed to myself and slid out of bed.
I put on a pair of shorts and a tight, running t-shirt. I pulled my hair back into a small ponytail, making a mental reminder to get it cut before school started. I threw on my running shoes and walked out of the door.
Alex was waiting by the front door, a grin on his face. He was wearing shorts and a t-shirt. A baseball cap rested on his head and he had put on a pair of Vans. He smiled as he picked up our backpack, which was filled with the essentials. I laughed and pushed him out of the door.
--------------------------------------------------
A half hour later, we were walking into the park. I noticed it was busy for a summer day. Families were picnicking on the grass, teens were hanging out by the fountain, and kids were playing on the
swingset
.
Alex and I found an empty spot and set down our stuff. I grabbed my iPod from a pocket in the backpack. I plugged in my
earbuds
and glanced at Alex. He was watching these two girls work their way across the clearing
.
“Alex,” I called out. He looked over at me, startled. “I’m going to run around for a while. I will
meet you back here in a little while.”
“Okay,” he said distractedly. “I will see you later.”
He turned his attention back to the girls and smiled. I giggled silently and left him to his teenage antics. I walked onto the walkway, stretching my legs as I did so. I pressed play on my iPod and as the music started to play, I began to run.
I listened to loud rap music, making it difficult to think about anything else. It was just what I needed. I pushed myself faster whenever I began to think about him.
After the first lap, my calves began to burn, but I paid no attention to them. I turned the volume up and listened as Eminem rapped about his life. Suddenly, my mind wandered to Michael.
I don’t love him. I may trust him but I don’t love him. Do I?
“I think you do.” Isn’t that what he
said.
How does he know what I think or feel? Why am I so out a
wack
with my
emotions.
Maybe I should just pass this off as a sign of PMS. Or maybe I should listen to my brain.
But I can’t love him. I can’t. I won’t be hurt, like that again.
Ever.
Ugh. What do I do? Help me!
I stopped thinking about him as I caught sight of Alex sitting down on the clearing. He was sitting with a girl that looked to be his age. She had long brown hair, with bright streaks of red, blue and purple in it. She had dark skin-I think she was a
latino
-
and had wide eyes. She was smiling and laughing at something Alex said.
He touched her bare shoulder and she flipped her hair over her shoulder. She laughed again and pressed her lips to his cheek. Then, she stood up and walked off. Alex watched her go with longing before turning away. He spotted me and waved excitedly. I waved back and he gestured for me to go over there.
“No,” I mouthed and pointed to the track ahead of me. I wanted to continue running. He nodded as if he understood and turned his head back to the book he was looking at. I continued on, trying to let my mind wander.
At least Alex can love. He wasn’t old enough to remember mom and dad fighting.
God, how I envy him.
I wish I was strong enough to let myself love Michael. I don’t need to be afraid anymore. I will not be scared of love anymore.
Because I do.
I love him.
With all of my heart.
Suddenly, I froze in my tracks and gasped. I replayed the words over and over again, trying to find the hidden meaning in the letters. Then, I decided to try them out on my lips.
“I love him,” I muttered. “I love Michael Herring.”

Chapter 19-September 7, 2001 (Michael)

“Claire,” I murmured and jumped into the shower. It was 6:30 in the morning and I had thirty minutes before I was supposed to meet Claire and Alex outside. In the shower, I scrubbed fiercely, erasing away all remains of smoke on my body.
Once I got out, I shrugged on a brown polo and a pair of cargo shorts. I ran a hand through my damp hair and shrugged. I really didn’t care how I looked as long as Claire was with me. I smiled at my reflection in the mirror before grabbing my wallet and heading out of the door.
I tried my best not to run down the stairs. My adrenaline was going through the roof and I felt my heartbeat quicken as I thought of her. When I got outside, I saw Claire waiting by a cab at the curb. She turned, saw me and waved.
She was wearing a white, flowing skirt-something I was surprised that she owned-and a tight, black tee that rode up her stomach showing a sliver of exposed skin. I found myself
wanteing
to reach out and touch her. She wore a pair of black flats and her hair was in curls around her face. Her eyes were bright and excited, coated in a shade of black that made the grey pop.
I walked over to her and gave her a quick hug, trying not to hold on for too long. She grinned at me and pushed a lock of hair behind her ear. I brushed a finger tip across the stud in her nose and moved down to her lips. I traced the outline of them and she opened her mouth slightly.
An invitation.
I shook my head and pushed her into the cab. Laughing, she did as I told and patted the seat next to her. I slid in and waited as she gave the driver directions.
“Waffle House?”
I asked. She nodded and laughed.
“Yep.
I was craving a waffle for breakfast this morning,” she explained. She slid over on the bench seat and laid her head upon my shoulder
.
“Where’s Alex?” I questioned
.
“He couldn’t make it. He has a date,” she laughed. Suddenly, I heard her let out a breath and I smiled slightly.
“You okay?” I wondered aloud.
“Never better,” she replied and took my hand in hers. I tried not to show my surprise, but I couldn’t help to look down at our intertwined hands every once and a while.
“You sure?”
I mockingly pressed a hand to her forehead, checking for a temperature. “You don’t feel warm.”
“Would you quit,” she told me and pushed my hand away. She sat up and I immediately regretting making fun of her. I wanted to feel her skin against mine again. “I can’t hold your hand without there being something wrong?”
“You can’t,” I reminded her. She laughed haughtily.
“I told you I trust you,” she shot back. My eyes saddened and I looked away.
“But you don’t love me,” I stated. Claire was silent as we pulled up to the restaurant. We got out and I took her hand. She glanced at me with an exasperated look and I shrugged. “I never said I couldn’t hold your hand without there being something wrong with me.”
She laughed and all tension was lost. We walked together hand in hand into the restaurant. I led
her to the bar and slid onto a stool. She hopped on the one beside me and looked at the menu. I tried to look at mine, but I was too distracted by the way she tapped her nails on the bar.
“Michael.” A waitress walked over to us, a pencil and pen in hand.
“Sarah,” I replied and smiled. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Claire stiffen a look away. I frowned and nodded at Sarah.
“The usual.”
“
Okay, and for you?” She turned to Claire. Without meeting her eyes she looked over the menu and then over at me
.
“Same as him,” she muttered. Sarah left and I watched Claire. Her body was turned towards me, but she wouldn’t meet my eyes.
“Claire,” I said. She looked at me for a brief second before looking down again.
“What?” she whispered with anxiety. I tilted her chin up until she looked me in the eye.
“I am here with you. Not her,” I explained. She nodded but stayed silent. “I love you.”
“I know,” she replied. “I’m sorry. It’s just hard for me.”
“I understand,” I murmured and took her hand. She squeezed it and smiled weakly.
“Thank you,” she mouthed. I nodded and Sarah placed our food in front of us. I nodded gratefully and she left us alone.
It was silent for a little while. The only sounds were of our forks and knives scraping against the plate and our moans of enjoyment. Finally we leaned back, our plates empty.
“Better than I remembered,” Claire said aloud. I nodded in agreement and stood up. I left some bills on the bar and took Claire’s hand. Together, we walked out of the restaurant and to the street.
I whistled for a taxi and one eased up next to us. We got in and Claire gave the driver another set of directions. I watched her, an impressed expression on my face.
“The park?”
I wondered again.
“Yeah, I have something to tell you.” She grinned at me and settled back into her seat. Her hand stayed grasped in mine and we stayed that way until we arrived at the park.
Once out of the cab, she led the way, taking me to a spot under a tree. We sat down, me with my back against the tree, her with her head in my lap. I toyed with sections of her hair and she laughed.
“This is nice,” she commented. I murmured in agreement and touched the tip of her nose.
“What did you have to tell me?” I asked,
curiousity
bubbling inside of my voice. She giggled again placing one of her hands over mine.
“Okay, well I was actually standing over there on the walkway when I realized something. I was running. Well, sprinting actually. I had a lot to think about. Anyway, I was sprinting on that track, listening to rap music and suddenly it came to me.”
“What did?” I asked again. I knew she was enjoying this.
“I was thinking about you and how I couldn’t love you after my past. Then I saw Alex flirting with another girl and I realized that I shouldn’t be afraid of you.
That I shouldn’t be afraid to let go.”
She paused and smiled up at me. I felt as if I was going to burst if she didn’t tell me what happened.
“And,” I started for her
.
“And I love you,” she whispered. The color drained from my face. I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. She let out a laugh and placed a hand on my cheek.
“What?” I managed.
“I love you,” she repeated.
“I love you and only you.”
“Really?”
I grimaced at the doubt in my voice. She nodded and pulled my head towards hers. Right before her lips met mine, she smiled.
“Definitely,” she murmured and pulled me in the rest of the way.
Our lips met and I could see fireworks. I closed my eyes and let myself be lost in the moment.