When Love Calls (17 page)

Mike kissed my cheek casually as he walked by and tosses his things in his suitcase. My heart sank as he rolled his bags in my direction. I wanted to block the door and tell him to stay one more day. If this was all we had, then we could have it for just one more day. The rise and fall of my chest quickened as he stepped in front of me.

Mike gazed affectionately into my eyes that were now brimming with tears. “I’ll wait to hear from you… No pressure though, alright? You do whatever you believe is best for you Erin. I mean that.” His stare was steeped in intensity; as if he was looking beyond my eyes and speaking directly to my heart. I leaned in and embraced him tightly. He had relieved me with his words. I knew now that no matter what happened,
we
would be ok even if there was never an “us.”

“Ok.” I murmured into his chest. “I’d kiss you but I haven’t brushed my teeth yet.” I heard the rumble of Mike’s laughter against my ear as he squeezed me tightly before pulling me back to examine my face again. He cocked his head slightly and smiled before planting one soft, lingering his against my lips and another on my forehead before he walked out the door.

Just as I closed the door the phone rang. I grabbed it off the nightstand and viewed the screen as it flashed Josh’s name. I hit ignore and tossed it on the bed. I wasn’t willing to try and lie to Josh but I wasn’t ready to tell him the truth either. I flopped down on the bed and accepted that I was officially wide awake. The gym was exactly what I needed at that moment. I needed to burn of this anxious energy and hopefully de-clutter the jumbled thoughts in my mind. I grabbed black yoga pants from my bag and slid into a matching black sports bra. Room key and phone in hand, I made my way to the elevator. 

The gym was tranquil. It was virtually empty save a few elderly folks on the exercise bike and treadmill. I could tell they were a couple. They bantered back and forth from their respective machines. I smiled at each of them politely as I grabbed a yoga mat and found a discreet corner. I tucked my legs beneath me, closed my eyes and searched for my center between slow, deep breaths. Inhale … Exhale … Inhale … Exhale … Each breath took me further away from my physical space and closer to my spirit. I pressed through guilt and peeled away shame. I tossed aside confusion and discontent until all that was left was the essence of me. What I found there was beyond anything I could have fathomed. What I saw was sad and broken. Where there should have been light, there was a murky, dim space. I opened my eyes slowly and although I was relaxed, I still felt an immense heaviness. I had been on the mat for forty-five minutes and though I hadn’t done a single yoga exercise, I was drained.
Maybe the sauna is what I need.
I stood slowly before walking in the direction of the sauna. My cell vibrated in my hand and a text from Amber popped up asking about meeting for breakfast at eight. I texted:

I’ll be down around eight thirty. In the gym.

I spent thirty minutes in the sauna hoping to feel the effects of some sort of detoxification but all I felt was dehydrated. I grabbed a couple of bottles of water from a side table as I left the gym and downed the first one before I made it to the exit. I tossed the first bottle and cracked the seal on the second as I pushed the elevator button.

In my room I stripped down and stepped in the shower. The small space wouldn’t feel the same for the remainder of my trip. Flashes of Mike came flooding back and it was all I could do to wash my body and dash out of the bathroom.
Maybe some upbeat music will help.
I pulled up Imagine Dragon’s
Radioactive
on my playlist and cranked up the volume as I put in my ear buds
.
I threw on another of the four maxi dresses I’d packed, slipped my feet into a pair of jewel adorned sandals and tossed the room key and phone into my purse. I tossed my loose ringlets of hair over my shoulder as closed the door and walked in the direction of the elevator.  I was relieved to be on the other side of my hotel room walls. Every inch of the space now seemed to be saturated with Mike’s essence and it made it hard for me to breathe. A day full of activities was a welcome distraction from the debacle that had, almost instantly, become my life.

Today the girls and I planned to do some shopping at Fashion Show Mall, get a spa treatment and lounge by the pool until evening. We’d also agreed to get in one more Cirque Du Soleil show before we went home tomorrow.
Home.
I felt sick at the thought. So much had changed in just two days. I had no idea what I was going to do when I got back to Chicago. All I knew for sure was that I needed to make some profound changes and decisions about my life, my future and who I saw myself with in that future. Was I crazy to be considering the possibility of something more with Mike? I barely knew him and all I had to go on was a date and some incredible sex. In my reality, it wasn’t enough. Not to build a relationship on. In my day-to-day, the most he could be at this point was a guaranteed stress-free good time. But in my heart, there was … something. Mike had jarred me to life like the paddles of a defibrillator.

Then there was Josh. He had already carved out his place in my heart. I genuinely loved him and I knew he loved me. He’d been there to support and nurture me through some very challenging times.
That should count for something.
On paper it looked perfect. In reality it should have been but I couldn’t shake what I felt for Mike and until that time came, I knew I couldn’t give my all to Josh even if I wanted to. Josh had been good to me, and if nothing else, I owed him the respect of telling him the truth to see where we stood.

*****

When it was all said and done, Erin was exhausted and hadn’t had time to think of Josh, Mike or the question from her therapist. After the show, Erin told her friends she wanted to call it a night. She’d had her fill of gambling, drinking, clubbing, shopping and
definitely
walking!

I slid the keycard in the room door and felt nothing but heaviness as I crossed the threshold. I was sad that I wasn’t the person I’d always thought I was. Every day I went to work and did a job because I felt like it was making a difference. I had managed to be open enough to make a couple of friends who tolerated my distant, standoffish behavior without judgment and had even managed to meet two decent men who wanted nothing more than to be with me and make me happy. How had any of that managed to happen to me considering the fact that I was self-centered and self-serving? Hell, I was downright cold-hearted.
When did I become this person? This is not who I am!

Emotions took over and I flopped down across the bed and cried. To say that I was confused would be an understatement. I was fucking bewildered. Everything I thought I wanted in my life now seemed wrong. Every decision I’d made thus far had gotten me to this place and now, here at this inevitable crossroads, I had no idea what to do to fix my life.
One thing is for sure. Feeling sorry for yourself won’t change anything. You made this mess. You need to take responsibility for it and fix this raggedy shit!
I composed myself and sat up in the bed. Nothing would be resolve by me sitting there feeling sorry for myself. I wiped the tears from my face and found the hotel notepad and pen to make a list of actions I could take to change my situation since I was so damned miserable. The to do list included:

Talk to Joshua (tell him the truth)

Talk to Mike (make a decision)

Continue therapy sessions

Take a leave of absence from work

Find and pursue your passion!!!

It was a small list that could potentially change the rest of my life and I knew it. I stared down at the list and paused at “Talk to Joshua.” He’d called me hours ago and I hadn’t sent him so much as a text in response. I grabbed my phone and noticed two additional missed calls along with a couple of texts. I dialed the voicemail and listened to the messages.

Message 1:
“Erin, it’s Josh. I was just calling because I hadn’t heard from you and missed hearing your voice. Give me a call when you get this message. I hope you’re having a good time. Enjoy yourself and I’ll see you soon. Love you!”

Message 2: “
Hey Erin, it’s me again. I haven’t heard from you and you didn’t call me back so I wanted to try again. I’m getting a little concerned so please call me when you get this message, okay? I love you!”

Message 3: “
Ok, is there a reason you are not returning my calls? Did I do something wrong? Better yet, did you? Please call me so we can talk about whatever it is. I know you were upset when you left about what happened that morning. Just call me so we can talk about it. I’m ready to explain.”

After hearing his messages I wasn’t sure I wanted to call him back! After all, I’d be home tomorrow and we could hash everything out face-to-face. Then again, if we talked now we’d both have time to think about things and hopefully discuss them more calmly. While I mulled it over I checked my texts and beneath an unfamiliar Chicago number found a message that read:

Miss Erin, I just wanted to let you know I am back in Chicago and I’ll wait to hear from you. I know I said that once before and here I am sending you a message but I wanted you to know that I don’t take anything that happened this weekend lightly. I have a lot of feelings I can’t shake and don’t know if I want to.  Maybe when you get back you could meet my son Adrian. That would guarantee all our activities would be kid friendly and involve us keeping our clothes on, lol! Seriously, I hope to hear from you SOON. Take care.

Mike

No pressure my ass.
I tossed the phone on the bed. None of this was helping me clear my head. I decided to focus on something else for a while in the hope of clearing some mental space. I grabbed the notepad again and jotted down the question, “What would I have done with my life if my sister hadn’t died?” I struggled to think back to the time before my sister died. I had always loved art and music but never really got a chance to do much with it. I could remember teaching Emily how to paint by numbers and we used to sing together all the time. A warm smile spread across my face and I willed my tears to dissipate as I regained focus.
This is about me, not me and Emily.
I’d never even considered separating the two of us before. Since she had been born one had always been for the other and even when she died that didn’t change for me. I read the question again. The more I thought about it, I’d been into poetry and song writing too.
That all seems like forever ago.
Twenty-five years ago to be exact. Still, there were elements of art and music that moved me. When Emily died my dreams evaporated as more practical goals replaced them. Vindicating her death had become my focus.
Who am I if I’m not practicing medicine?
I was devastated to find that everything that remained was incomplete or broken. I’d spent my entire life working to become a surgeon and I had succeeded. I had the accolades and recognition to prove it. How could anyone just walk away from their own success? Furthermore, wouldn’t I be walking away from Emily? Everything I’d built had been in her honor.
I didn’t give up on her when she was here and I don’t want to now that she’s gone.
I laid the notepad on the nightstand.
Dr. Stevenson is going to have to help me navigate my way through this. I don’t know how to let go.

Everything in me was being pulled in different directions and was hanging in the balance and I was hanging right there with it.
I supposed there is one thing I can do right now to start working through some of this chaos that doesn’t involve my sister
. I picked up the phone and dialed Josh’s number.

 The phone rang twice before Josh answered. “Hello,” he said with anticipation.

“Hello Josh. I’m sorry I didn’t call you back sooner. We’ve been running around like crazy here. I am all Vegas’d out,” I feigned laughter.

“It’s so good to hear your voice Erin. I really was getting worried. I didn’t know what else to do to try and reach you and I know you weren’t exactly happy with me when you left. Listen, about that, when you come home, I would really like to talk to you about why I don’t feel quite comfortable with you doing certain things to me. I know you feel like you want to reciprocate what I give to you but … Well, we can talk about it when you get back. So, what time will you arrive tomorrow?”

“Yeah, we definitely should talk when I get home. I agree that there are some things that need to be discussed. I won’t need a ride from the airport, Angie said she can drop me off. I may have to make a stop or two before I come home so if it gets too late, don’t wait up for me, we can still talk at another time.” I knew I was prolonging the inevitable but now that the conversation was set before me, I was backpedalling. Something in me was hesitant about possibly ending things with Josh.
What if it’s a mistake?
I forced myself to speak. “If we don’t get to talk tomorrow, I’ll be off Monday. That may actually be a better day since I’m sure I’ll be exhausted by the time I get back.” More excuses. All of a sudden I was petrified.
What if he’s really the one and I’ve screwed it up? What if the problem isn’t him? What if it’s me?
The sound of Josh’s voice pulled me back to our conversation.

“Ok. Whatever you want to do.”
Now there he goes with that crap!
My angst dissipated some as I felt annoyance rising in me. Josh wasn’t indecisive, he just
always
let me make the decisions. It was frustrating.  “So are you having a good time?” Part of me was thankful for the change in subject so I forced myself into a mode for polite conversation.

 “Yes, it’s been great! We’ve seen two shows, done some shopping and had a bit of relaxation time. My only regret is that I didn’t get to make it to the pool.”
Well, that isn’t my only regret.
“Josh, I hate to cut our conversation short but all of that walking around really took a lot out of me today. I’ll see you tomorrow. Okay?”