When You Make It Home (18 page)

He pulled up to Mesa Rosa, our favorite Mexican restaurant, where the hostess sat us at the table we’d called ours, and then over the course of the next hour and a half, every waiter stopped by to congratulate us on our baby. I panicked at first, unsure how to reply, but Bradley was gracious, thanking each person who stopped to talk to us. My worries about the evening faded, and I relaxed into the familiarity of being with Bradley. But I shouldn’t have let my guard down, because once I did, the questions began.

Bradley eyed me warily. “I have to ask…” He crossed his arms, his body folding in. “Were you seeing someone when you broke up with me?”

“No, I promise I wasn’t.”

“Who’s the father?” He studied my belly, waiting.

I felt my cheeks heat. “It doesn’t matter.”

“How can you say that?” he asked.

“Because this isn’t about you.”

“You had to have gotten pregnant the minute you called us off.”

I put my head in my hands, exhausted. “I’m sorry.” I sighed. “I know how it looks. But it’s not about you.”

“I should have made you go to China.” He quickly reached across the table for my hand. I pulled away, but he grabbed my wrist. “I shouldn’t have left you behind.”

He couldn’t be serious. “I would’ve never gone.”

“We can fix this. Go back to the way we were. I’ll help you make this right. You can’t do this alone. We’ll raise the baby together.”

“No, Bradley. We can’t go back. Our relationship is over.”

“I already inquired at the office. There’s a position available with less travel. We could make it work. Everyone thinks that’s my baby. Why won’t you be reasonable and take me back?”

“But it’s not your baby.”

“You’re being ridiculous.” He leaned into the table. “Nobody has to know. It’ll be our secret.”

I groaned. “
No!”
My resolve fresh, I searched his face for understanding, but instead he reached in his pocket and pulled out the small, fuzzy black box that I used to call my own.

“This belongs to you. I want you to take it back. Sell it, and get something for the baby. Or throw it off a bridge if you want. It’s yours. You get to decide.” He took my hand in his and placed the box in my palm, curling my fingers around it. I was speechless.

Not so long ago, the ring had felt as much a part of me as my own finger. I opened the box, touching the diamond. The ring once stood for so many things. Like the banners that trail airplanes in the sky, I wore it as if to say, “Somebody loves me enough to keep me forever.” By the time I had called off our engagement, and removed the ring, its weight was too heavy. It symbolized the cage I needed to get free of. In spite of that, looking in the box, all I saw was a beautiful ring.

“I can’t take it,” I said.

“You have to—that’s all I ask.”

He wasn’t going to back down, so I closed the box to slip it in my purse, but then I had that old fear I’d lose it. The ring had always been a little loose, ready to slide off and disappear. I popped the box open again, plucked the ring free and slipped it on. For the first time, it fit perfectly. I couldn’t resist the urge to hold out my hand, fingers outstretched to admire the magnificent ring.

Bradley took my hand, keeping eye contact with me as he kissed it. “Thank you.”

We stood and hugged; my eyes filled with tears. My heart ached for all the things we’d never be, but I also knew I had done the right thing. We drove in silence on the ride home, and for the first time, I understood what it meant to have closure at the end of a relationship. There were no more what-ifs or possibilities. The finality of the end freed me to focus on what was real and worthwhile. For me that was Theo, and I couldn’t wait to be with him again.

Theo never came home that night. He didn’t answer his cell, and I didn’t risk pushing him further away by checking in with Jake or Cortez. My worry turned to frustration. The next day I dragged myself through the hours at the bookstore, followed by an evening of hanging out with Ellie. Finally I went home and found him in my bed. He lay in the dark, arms crossed behind his head, his chest rising with each breath.

I marched over to the bed. “Where have you been?”

Theo, though still, looked tense and wound tight. He wasn’t asleep. The moonlight streaming through the windows lit up his eyes. I recognized the medically induced glaze in them.

“I hope I didn’t wake you,” I whispered, going to his side. I’d hurt Theo by going out with Bradley; I could see that now. That was why he’d pulled away, but that didn’t excuse his leaving me worried. “Why do you do this to me? Do you have any idea what it’s like to sit here and wonder where you are?”

“You’re right.” He reached for my hand. “I’m sorry. I’m no good for you. I try and help, and all I do is screw up everything. You deserve better.” His voice cracked.

“I couldn’t sleep last night without you,” I confessed. “I deserve a phone call if you need time away. I deserve the Theo that is here when you are
present
. I can’t take it when you disappear. When you disappear it hurts me. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want you.”

He didn’t speak when I climbed into bed; he didn’t even move. I placed my hand on his cheek and kissed him, and though he looked me in the eye, he was still and silent. Longing to connect with him again, I kissed his chest and trailed my hands down his sides. I worked for any reaction, but he remained immobile while I kissed the tight rippled muscles of his abdomen. His breath caught when I licked the warm skin below his navel, dragging my tongue wetly from hip to hip, dipping below his waistband. I put my hand on the bulge in his pants. He was ready for what I had to give.

He lay impassive as I curled my fingers around the waistband of his shorts, tugging them all the way down. I kneeled on the bed between his legs. But as I stroked his thighs and kissed his lower belly, he lost his fight to resist the pleasure I offered. He let out an anguished groan, and I gripped his shaft, lowering my mouth onto him. My hair cascaded over him, and I watched his reaction as I licked him. I swirled his salty moisture with my tongue, finally taking Theo deep in my mouth, working my tongue as I sucked. I wanted all of him, and as I pulled with my mouth, his reserve shattered. He gasped and moaned, his fingers weaving through my hair. Pressing gently into my scalp, he held on, and I matched the rhythm he set.

He grasped me. “Stop!” The word startled me. Theo sat up and reached for me, tugging at my clothes. Climbing on top of him, in a hot slide of bodies melding, I cried out as he thrust inside me. I tightened and clenched around his girth; his hands bit into my hips as he plunged up into me. My head rolled back, bliss tightening every muscle, and I cried out.

His hands moved over me, brushing against my breasts in soft circles. Liquid fire flowed through me. I was sure Theo loved me when I looked into his eyes, full of desire and need. He continued to pump into me, steady and deep; my heart fluttered, pleasure thrummed through my veins, my skin hot all over from his touch. I couldn’t hold back. I moaned and thrashed upon him as heat and wetness surged through me. I came quivering in his lap, and he continued thrusting into me. He went rigid as his whole body shook with release.

He rolled me carefully next to him. Smoothing my hair back from my face, he kissed my forehead, my eyelids, the tip of my nose and my cheeks. He hugged me to him and stroked my back in the dark, dropping kisses along my shoulders and neck. Theo was attentive and affectionate, and I reveled in the moment with him, waiting for him to speak. And in the process of waiting, I fell asleep.

When I woke up, he was sitting on the bed next to me, holding my hand. I smiled at him, confused by the angry glare in his eyes.

“What’s this about?” His tone edged toward irate, and when he held up my hand, the light caught and sparkled on my diamond ring, still perched on my finger for the entire world to see.

“It’s nothing.” And then I added more bashfully, “Bradley wanted me to take my engagement ring back, use it to get something for the baby. It’s no big deal.”

Theo sat on the edge of the bed, holding my hand, staring at my ring. All the comfort from our night together slowly evaporated like little bubbles popping in the air.

“It doesn’t mean anything,” I said.

He winced and dropped my hand. “It means
nothing
? He picked this ring out for you. He wanted you to wear it forever, didn’t he? And now you’re with me, but you have on
his
ring.”

I took the sheet with me when I moved off of the bed. My clothes were strewn about the room during the throes of passion last night.

I snatched my shirt off the floor. “It’s not his ring. It’s my ring. That’s why he insisted on giving it back to me.” How could a stupid ring mean more than the night we’d had? “I only put it on so I wouldn’t lose it.” I’d located my pants, but still searched for my panties. I needed my panties; going commando was not an option when walking through an emotional hailstorm. Exposed, I longed for the security and comfort that comes from being snug in my underwear.

“Well, that makes perfect sense,” Theo grumbled and walked out of the bedroom, leaving me alone to hunt for whatever security I could find.

Chapter Fifteen

T
heo spent the morning holed up in the nursery. The room was off-limits to me, so I paced in front of the closed door. “Can’t we talk about this?” I hollered.

“I have nothing to say,” he called back.

I gave up and went to get ready for work. On my way out, I tried again. “See ya later.”

I faintly heard him mutter through door.

“Can’t I have a goodbye hug?” I pleaded. I was about to give up when the door opened, and he shuffled out on one crutch. He looked at my hand, on which I still wore the ring.

“I’m going to see about selling it today. I don’t want to carry it in my purse and risk losing it.” On one hand, I knew I was giving him excuses, but on the other hand, the ring didn’t mean anything to me anymore. He was making a big deal out of nothing.

His lips twitched and then curled into the smile I loved. Theo took me into his arms. The warmth of his body against mine eased my tension. He held me tight, and if I could believe in the message of his body language, I would know that he wanted me as much as I wanted him and that what we had would last through anything. But Theo didn’t speak. His breath was hot in my hair, and when I pulled back his mouth came to mine. His kisses, tender at first, became possessive.

The front door swung open and Cortez glared at us.

“Aw, come on, guys! You knew I was coming—tone it down.” He kicked the door shut and marched to the baby’s room, swinging a gallon of paint.

Satisfied that everything was okay in the world again, I left the boys to work.

I spent most of the day in my office, trying to catch up on piles of paperwork. Between juggling Ellie’s workload, shopping for two, afternoons in bed with Ellie, and evenings in bed with Theo, I was falling behind on everything. If I only pushed myself harder, I could get it all done.

Midday, I went to Café Stay to help with the lunch rush. More than once, I caught women glancing from my ring to my belly. I knew the fixed stare of the single woman. We’ve all been trained by the princess fantasy, the hope of one day being swept off our feet by a handsome prince. The apex of the dream is the ring in place of a glass slipper, and the happily ever after is a baby on the way.

I probably shouldn’t have been so comfortable being a fraud, wearing a ring that no longer proclaimed engagement. But I reveled in the approval of strangers, transformed by their acceptance. The whispers and looks stopped. Let’s face it; being pregnant alongside a devoted man was way more acceptable than just being pregnant. That reality was a truth I carried every day.

Even Hazel agreed. I was lugging a stack of magazines to bring to Ellie’s house, trying to make my way to the front door, when she blocked my path. “There’s that gorgeous diamond again,” she gushed, clapping her hands together rapidly. “We were all so happy to see Bradley, yesterday.”

Was that only yesterday?

Perhaps I should have stopped right there and explained the situation. However, it really wasn’t her business, and Ellie was waiting for me. Ellie spent hours alone in bed, and she counted on my time with her. So I breezed past Hazel with a smile on my face. “Goodnight, goodnight,” I sang cheerfully.

My approval rating plummeted at Ellie’s house. After filling her in on all the highlights of my dinner with Bradley, she fastened onto one detail. “I can’t believe you have that ring on your finger.” Ellie finished the grilled chicken salad I had picked up for her at The Tavern. Because Ellie’s diabetes diet was so restrictive, I didn’t want her to have to watch me eat. I’d scarfed down a burger in the car and brought in an apple to nibble on.