Where Angels Tread (24 page)

His face crumpled. It took every ounce of strength that Heidi had to choke out the words that she knew needed to be said. And once they escaped her lips, there would be no turning back. But it had to be done. As much as she loved Shane, Heidi knew that she would be unable to face him every day. How could she, when every time she looked at him she would only think of John? It wasn’t fair to Shane, and it wouldn’t be fair to Heidi. It would be best, she knew, to pick up the pieces of her life and try to move on while living every day with the searing pain of a broken heart. Again.

“We can make this work,” he said desperately, his voice shaking so much that Heidi could barely understand him. “I’ll do anything. Please, I can’t lose you. We love each other.”

Heidi got up from the floor and peered out of the front window, watching silently as Zachary raised his arms above his head and took aim at the basketball hoop. When he saw her reflection, he waved happily before tossing the ball through the air. Their lives, she knew, were about to change again, and this time she didn’t know if either of them would ever recover. Had she been foolish to believe that she deserved a second chance at happiness?

She gave a start when she felt a hand on her shoulder, and turned around to find Shane standing behind her. The tortured expression on his face was gone, replaced instead by one of deepest sadness. He stroked her lightly on the cheek, then bent down to kiss her gently on the lips. “I understand,” he whispered when they broke apart. “It’s nothing less than I deserve.” He turned to go, and Heidi had to cross her arms in front of her body to restrain herself from reaching out for him one last time.

“Just so you know,” he said as he placed a trembling hand on the doorknob. “I wish it had been me instead.” He pushed open the door and stepped outside, then closed it gently behind him.

Heidi stood at the front window, the tears pouring silently down her face, and watched as the man she loved walked out of her life forever.

“Come in,” Shane called dully, barely glancing over at the front door. He was sitting on his couch surrounded by empty beer bottles and pizza boxes. He hadn’t showered in days, and had let his beard grow in thick and full. What did it matter? Heidi was gone, Shane knew, and there was no longer any point in even getting up in the morning, much less bothering to make himself look presentable.

It had been three weeks since he had last seen Heidi’s face light up in his presence, heard her laughter ringing through the house, and he missed her with a constant ache that pulsated through every inch of his body. But he deserved every bit of his suffering. How could he have been so arrogant as to think that he deserved even an ounce of happiness? Shane had been right to cut himself off from the world following the accident, and he bitterly regretted forcing his way into Heidi and Zachary’s lives. They would have been better off without him.

Since the breakup, Shane had locked himself in his house. He hadn’t even reported to the station, which meant that Palen would probably be forced to fire him. Not that it really mattered, he thought. He had already endured a stream of visitors, each of them trying and failing to come up with the right words that would get him off the couch and ready to face the world again.

First to come by had been Buddy. “You missed Kelly’s funeral,” he said quietly when Shane opened the door. “You should have been there. Officers from as far away as San Diego and San Francisco came, as well as our entire team.”

“I couldn’t do it,” Shane had replied hollowly. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t say sorry to me. I’m just saying that you should have been there. She was one of us, and so are you.” Buddy folded his arms in front of his chest and planted himself directly in front of Shane, forcing Shane to look up at him from where he was sitting on the couch. “Have you completely given up, man? We’re all out there day and night hunting for this guy, and you’re sitting here in your t-shirt and boxers feeling sorry for yourself.” Shane had stood up and silently walked into his bedroom, closing the door firmly behind him. After a few minutes, he heard Buddy quietly leave the house.

Next to arrive had been Jaime and his mother, Michelle’s arms laden down with trays of food and pastries. “A little something to make you feel better,” she had said, kissing him noisily on the cheek and bustling into the kitchen to make him a plate of spaghetti.

When she left the room, Jaime plopped down on the couch next to Shane and wrapped her arms around him. “It’s going to be okay,” she had whispered, cradling Shane’s head in her arms while he tried valiantly to hold back his tears. “You’re going to get through this. We’ll help you, all of us. That’s what family’s for, but you can’t shut us out again, Shane. Please.”

After struggling through an hour of awkward conversation, during which Michelle had fussed over the state of Shane’s house and Jaime gazed at him through watery eyes, thankfully, they had left.

And it sounded, by the persistent knocking at his door, that it was now someone else’s turn to try.

“It’s open,” Shane called again, tossing the empty beer bottle he was holding into the trash can across the room. He winced when he made it easily, his mind flashing back to the day when he first met Zachary and Heidi down at the station.

The door creaked open, but Shane didn’t even bother to look up and greet the person who entered; he continued staring blankly at the wall across from him. “Shane Kensington,” a familiar booming voice shouted, startling Shane out of his silence.

“Chief Palen?” he gasped, looking up at the formidable figure of the man he had admired for so many years. “What are you doing here?”

Palen stared around the room with an expression of distaste on his face. “It’s a little dirty in here, don’t you think?” He pushed aside a greasy pizza box and sat down tentatively on the armchair across from Shane. “I have to say, I expected more from you.”

Shane slumped down into the cushions, avoiding Palen’s gaze. “Why?” he mumbled.

“Because this,” Palen said, waving his arm around the room to indicate the mess, “isn’t you. And you asked why I’m here? I’m here to see why one of my best men has decided to stop coming to the station when we need him the most.”

Shane laughed hollowly. “I’m not one of your best men. Maybe I used to be, years ago, but not anymore.”

“That’s not true,” Palen said quietly. “You’re smart, you’re determined, and you’re brave. Those are the three qualities that I prize above all else for my team. Do you know how many men would have gone through what you did and still be left standing? Not many.”

Shane shrugged. “If that’s the case, why did you put me on desk duty for three years? You didn’t trust me.”

Palen pounded his fist onto his lap. “That’s not true, Kensington. It had nothing to do with me. You didn’t trust yourself or your own judgment, which is dangerous for a cop. I had to wait until you regained some of your confidence, but I always knew you’d be back on the streets. And I was right. Now, when are you coming back? We need you.”

Shane shrugged again and fiddled with the drawstring on his stained gym shorts. Palen heaved a sigh and leaned forward in his chair. “I don’t usually talk about my personal life at the station, but I think, given the circumstances, you should know something about me. Something that no one else in this entire town knows, except for my wife.”

Palen drew a deep breath before continuing. “I have three kids. They’re all grown now, but they were the three best kids I could have ever asked for. They brought me more joy in my life than anything else I’ve ever experienced. But I used to have four kids. My son Peter, my firstborn, was killed when he was only two years old.”

Shane swung his head up and stared at Palen, whose eyes were slightly unfocused as he struggled to form the next words. “It was my fault. It was Halloween, and we were trick-or-treating in the neighborhood. I was holding Peter’s hand when I got distracted by someone that I knew. I stopped to talk for just a second, and I didn’t realize it but I loosened my grip on his hand. Before I knew what was happening, he had run out onto the street when he spotted a piece of candy and got hit by a car.”

Palen dropped his head in his hands; Shane thought that he was crying, but when Palen looked up again, his eyes were clear. “After he died, I was a shell of a man. I couldn’t stay in our house, the house we built from the ground up, because of the memories. I insisted that we move here, to Santa Ynez, to get a fresh start. I got a job on the force, and did everything I could to try and forget what I did that night. But it was always with me.”

Shane was now staring at Palen as though he had never seen him before. How, Shane wondered, could a man go through life with such a terrible weight on his shoulders? Palen was the kind of man who was admired by everyone he met; there was no hint of such a tragedy in his past.

“My wife forgave me,” Palen said, twisting the strap of his watch around his wrist, “and we went on to have other children. But it was a long time before I could learn to forgive myself. I had to, though, or else I’d never be able to function. I would have missed out on all of the precious memories I have with my wife and kids because I’d be too busy blaming myself for the accident. Could it have been prevented? Probably. But that’s just not what was in the cards that night. It’s been more than forty years, but I’ve finally come to terms with that.”

“Why are you telling me this?” Shane asked.

“Because I hate to see you missing out on life. And I hate even more that one of the most dedicated officers I have has decided to give up his badge. This town would be a worse place without you patrolling the streets, and I need you back. I expect you to report to the station tomorrow at 10:00 am. No excuses. If you aren’t there, I’m going to personally drive over here and get you. And trust me, I’m not going to be happy about that.”

He grinned at Shane, who smiled back weakly, then stood up with a groan and tilted his cap at Shane before disappearing through the front door. Shane watched him leave, then absentmindedly flipped on the television set. The first thing that popped up on the television was a split-screen image of Kelly’s smiling face, taken on her wedding day, next to the wild-eyed Sam Shephard in an old mug shot, snapped after an arrest years ago for petty theft in Georgia. “Jesus,” Shane muttered to himself, hurrying to change the channel. “I can’t escape this anywhere.”

After a quick scan of the other stations, half of which were also discussing the latest details of the Shephard manhunt, Shane switched off the television and flopped back into the cushions, preparing to spend another long night staring idly at the ceiling. It was Sunday, time for the weekly Kensington family dinner, but despite his mother’s tearful pleas for him to join them, Shane had no intention of leaving his house. Perhaps, he thought dully, he would find a way to never leave his house again. He opened up the nearest box of pizza and took a bite of a half-eaten slice, then tossed it back in the box and kicked the lid closed. His appetite, usually so robust, was practically nonexistent.

He tried not to look at his uniform, draped carelessly over the armchair across the room. Shane remembered clearly the day he finally graduated from the police academy. He was only twenty-one years old, still fresh-faced with excitement and possibility, enamored with the idea of spending his life protecting the community that he loved so much. As he listened to Chief Palen swear in the new officers, Shane standing proudly among them, he scanned the audience for the faces of his family. Every one of his siblings had attended, as well as his parents and grandparents, and the excitement on their faces as they watched him accept his badge mirrored his own.

Somewhere along the way, his sense of pride and accomplishment had faded, leaving Shane to dwell not on all of the good that he had achieved throughout his career, but only on the years he had wasted feeling sorry for himself. Now, he wished desperately that he could reclaim the feeling of wonder he had when he first knew, so many years ago, that he wanted to dedicate his life to serving others.

Had he made mistakes along the way? Sure, he thought, but so did other people. And Shane knew that Chief Palen’s words to him rang true: the only person holding him back was himself. It was time for Shane to learn to come to terms with the accident that had so drastically changed the course of his life, shattering the man he had once been. He would never forget; no, that was impossible. The sound of Heidi screams would haunt him until the day he died.

But maybe, just maybe, it was time for Shane to forgive himself.

He stood up and crossed the room. Running his fingers along the gleaming badge that he had worn so proudly for more than a decade, the image of Sam Shephard flashed through his mind. He pictured the sorrow etched on his fellow officers’ faces when they found out that they had lost one of their own. Shane remembered the last time he had seen Kelly alive. She had shown him a picture of her laughing baby girl, the one who, like Zachary, would go through life carrying the burden of sorrow on her shoulders. How Kelly’s husband, like Heidi, would lay in bed each night, convincing himself that if he just closed his eyes, it would all turn out to be a terrible mistake.

Shane knew then, with a clarity that almost knocked him off his feet, the steps he would have to take in order to atone for his sins. He would do for Kelly’s husband and daughter what he couldn’t do for Heidi and Zachary: make sure that the person they loved didn’t die in vain.