Where Did It All Go Right? (34 page)

PE. Games. Rugby. But it was too hard’n’treacherous-death-trap on the pitches so we done swimming and Chris Bradshaw and me did our 15 and 25 yards. O ace. Spit and chlorine.

Dinnertime. Dinner was OK. It was bearable. But the curry was like volcanic lava with gravel.

Chemistry. Mr Goldthorpe is still away ’cos of a moped crash so we had Mrs Greene with no h/w.

Geography. Mrs Dee was still away so we kicked around and Phil, Si and me ate Polos during a film strip about lava and school curry. No h/w.

After skool. German.
⁵
We got sick of writing down all the German foods. Cold sausage with coleslaw and pickled cabbage and schnitzel and a bowl of fresh cream with Lego bricks or something.

After after skool. Before bed. Did drawing, saw
Blankety Yank
.

Wednesday, 14 February

Prat Poems No.4
⁶

I looked out of my bedroom

My heart was full of woe

I had to go to Weston

Only it had been pouring with soft, flaky snow

We started off with English

And French was looming near

And even maths was not as bad

As reading crap Shakespeare

Dinnertime was normal

With snow coming down, not rain

We had lava pie, with potatoes

And custard right out of a drain

And then we went swimming for double

I marked off the bronze survival

But I can still only swim 25 yards

And the only word that rymes is ‘rival’

And then we had technology

And old Mr Archer’s away

And it’s a good job that it wasn’t poetry

Because I am not too good

This is becoming quite boring

But I’ve got to write diaries somehow

Tonight I done some drawing

And the word that will ryme here is ‘cow’

I don’t think poetry is for me

Because for a start I can’t spell ryme

And I reckon it’s not exactly
Macbeth

Or
A Midsummer Night’s Shrew The Third

Or something

By Andrew Coleridge Samuel Collins, aged 3

Sunday, 4 March

Magic ace brill, it’s my 14th birfday. If you’d worked out from yesterday’s diary, you’d have realised Angus slept. That meal last night was luvly. Plus gallons of cider, then a cup of coffee as we played Scrabble and I had a nose bleed.

Angus gave me a quid, Si gave me the
Jaws 2
paperback, Melissa gave me Violinski’s single ‘Clog Dance’ and Dad’n’Mum bought me a magic Kodak 32 camera with handle, telephoto lens, ten flash cubes plus case and film. I’ve taken four pics already. It’s magic. Nan M and Pap R got me a skill cassette box and an autograph book. Ace. Auntie Janice got me a
Mad
book and a magic photo album. The other Nan’n’Pap gave me £2, Brian and Janis £1.50, Auntie Margaret £1, Sue and Jon £2 (for my baby sitting) and Pete and Wendy £1. Plus an extra £1 from
Nan
and Pap. I’m rolling in swag. Flippin’ I’m gonna spend it on various Monty Python books and paperbacks.

Angus went home before dinner, but what an ace birfday eh? And … our bog got bunged up. Dad squirted a hose down it, blew down it wiv a bike pump, put his hand down and generally said, ‘To hell wiv it, ey?’

Wot a skill ace magic brill birfday.

Thursday, 15 March

Double building craft doesn’t rule OK. But getting paste all over you during it does. Geography is really kinda eeuuur. Chemistry stinks OK. Chemistry h/w smells OK. Games in this cold weather is really kinda brrrrr.
Animal House
film was ace skill magic OK. You bet. It had nude ladies and a college and naughty kids and a carnival and larf slapstick comedy and it was my first ‘AA’ OK?
⁷

Friday, 23 March

Had a disco at school. Ace it waz.

Bill Jeyes

Lee Masters

Si Triculja

Jon Ward

Paul Wallace?

Mark Emery

= punks

Ace music, Sex Pistols, Skids. Boring music as well. Kev never went, Hirsty looked a puff.
⁸

Wednesday, 28 March

I got
Look-In
this morning delivered. It’s got the Bee Gees in it. Chris lent me a
Cracked
mag and I got caught readin’ it in maths
by
Mr Twinn. He said it was trash. It’s not. It rained really wet all day. Listened to my new singles a lot tonight. Technology was as bad as ever and in PE we had Mr Blogg for volleyball. It was a bit pratty but not too bad. Tonight saw
Play for Today, Dwarf On Giant’s Shoulders
. It was good ’cos it was on till 11.00.

Thursday, 12 April

O boy, wot a funny weather day. It poured, then slowed down, then poured again, then stopped, then dried up, then rained again, then poured, then stopped, then we had dinner*, then it started, then thunder, then lightning, then hail, then (after tea**) it dried up and stayed like it till now.

* dindins = shepherd’s pie, lemon meringue pie

** tea = tomato and cheese omelette, pineapple mousse.

I did go out on my bike when it was dry. I saw Lowey. Mum got a brand new brown Leyland Mini. I got my Sheffield photos delivered. We saw
Blankety Blecch
. I had a game of darts with Si and Dad. I won again with a skill double-five.

Tomorrow is Good Friday. Let’s hope it’s good weather. Lesley Judd left
Blue Peter
.

Saturday, 28 April

Went to art class this morning. We sketched models in pencil. I was one model. It rained hard this morning. Quite sunny this afternoon. Got my
Mad
magazine, plus ‘Mork’
Cracked
magazine, and the Sham 69 single ‘Questions and Answers’.
⁹

This afternoon Angus’s Dad took Angus, his brother and me to see
Death on the Nile
. It was absolutely skill. ‘A’ certificate because it had five murders:

One throat slit with pools of blood

One shot right in the head point blank

One shot in the forehead, splurting blood

One shot herself through the head

One shot right in the side of the face

Grate.
¹⁰
Tonight I started a spoof of it,
Death on the Nail
. I painted my bike chain-guard black and fixed on my rack. Then played Scrabble wid Mum’n’Dad and saw the news and Roald Dahl’s
Tales of the Unexpected
(till 11.15).

Tuesday, 1 May

Dad wouldn’t let me do my diary tonight. He said, ‘Lights out. No diaries. No talkin’. No snorin’. No whisperin’. No writing. No singing – or you will get it.’

Friday, 4 May

Didn’t rain. It was dry’n’sunny. No h/w. Oh yes there was … geography. Nice dinner: pineapple sponge. Metalwork in design. Walked home with Chris. Meatballs for tea. Game of soccer and cricket with Chris and Steve tonite.

Off to Uncle Phil and Auntie Eileen’s at Blackpool for the weekend. Got packed.

Maggie Thatcher won. Oh. Hmm. New Prime Minister. A woman. Ooh dear.
¹¹

Saturday, 5 May

Got to Uncle Phil and Auntie Eileen’s near Blackpool at 11.30. They’ve got two girls: Anne-Marie and Angela-Louise (seven and three). Uncle Phil’s a linesman.
¹²
He had to go to a match this afternoon. Blackburn v West Ham (at Blackburn). Score = 1–0 to Blackburn. He got me two grate programmes from the match, one for me, one for Doug at school.

Si and me are sleeping in Anne-Marie’s normal room. This afternoon the Tower (at Blackpool) (Blackpool Tower, you burk) was closed. So we went to the Pleasure Beach. Si and me took Anne-Marie on the Noah’s Ark fun house. It was all dark, the ark rocked about, there was loads of moving floorboards and steep stairs and luminous moving animals and it was pretty ace. Si, Dad and me went on this skill firing range with loads of models that work if you trigger them off. And we saw the haunted mine and ghost train from the outside.

Walk on the beach at sunset.

By the way, Simon was sick on the journey.

Sunday, 6 May

It was Melissa’s birthday today. She got tonz of prezzies including a cuddly bunny. We had a grate day today. We rode down into Blackpool (me, Si, Liss, Anne-Marie, Angela and Uncle Phil) and went in the BBC
Dr Who
Exhibition. Oh it was real magic. All the monsters, original sound effects, K-9, the Tardis, moving models, ace little scenes and original masks, plus flashing lights and dark corridors. I bought a 10p big
Dr Who
badge and a ‘Welcome to Blackpool’ Tom Baker postcard. Reeeally ace.

Then we went up the Pleasure Beach again. I took loads of good photos.

Fry-up lunch eg. bacon, egg and tomato. Then we drove up to Fylde for a birthday dinner/tea/meal at this great country/homely restaurant. Me and Si sat on a separate table as there was nine of us and we had gammon, egg, chips and ice cream and mint choc. I had four cups of luvly tea. Came home at about 7.00.

Melissa got a luvly cake from Uncle Phil and Auntie Eileen. Good day wasn’t it eh?

Our car still smells of Si’s sick.

Sunday, 3 June

We went to Coventry for dinner and tea to Uncle Jim, Auntie Christine’s, Lorraine and Sandy’s. Luvly dinna: chicken, spuds, gravy, sausage meat, stuffing, pie. Luvly tea: Scotch egg,
tomato
, salad cream, cheese, bread, onion rings, raspberry meringue.

We went for a walk round de park, losing tennis ballz etc., playing their croquet. Home at 9.15. Saw
That’s Life
+ drink of shandy. Oh I can’t help it … Sham 69, Skids, Buzzcocks.

Friday, 8 June

No rain. Amazin’. Bit of h/w. I’ve dunnit. Had metalwork. Went up de library. I got:
Guinness Book Of Names, Guinness Book Of Soccer Feats, Exorcist
book,
Vampire Films
. Really ace books.

Saw
Are Yer Bein’ Served
. Read me books. Into the valley, betrothed and divine, realisation’s no virtue but who can define … sorry.
¹³

Sunday, 10 June

At 10.30 we all went off (in our posh clothes – vomit) to Johnny and Melanie Ashby’s confirmation and communion.
¹⁴
We had a one and a half hour service. Really exciting and thrilling. But we went back to their house for a big buffet wiv loads of other people. I had melon, wine, turkey wings, crisps, salmon roll, cheese’n’pineapple, Coke, lemonade, beer, punch, a strawberry off the top of the gateau (don’t tell Mum or anyone), loads of fresh fruit salad. It was luvly. I didn’t have no tea. Belch. Both nans and paps came home from their hols yesterday. We saw them both. I got some chocs from N+P Collins and from N+P Reg = four Jersey postcards, a sick bag from the plane
¹⁵
and £2. Ace. Bed = late. Belch.

Friday, 22 June

It didn’t rain much today. O good. Had pakt lunch as yewshal. Exams on Munday as well, too, in addition to, also. Nan baby-satted because we are babies. Saw Monty Python film
Now Fer Summat Completely Diffrant
till 12.30. My ankle hurts. Dohh! My
brain
aches. I wish I was a prawn. I wish I was a Northumbrian anteater on Wednesdays. Silly boy silly boy.

Saturday, 23 June

There waz an exhibition on at art college. It was a crack. Yes. I bought a new racer bike. No I didn’t buy it. Dad did. It’s a Raleigh GT Super 5. Five gears. GT brakes. It’s so brilliant and good and fast and spiny.
¹⁶
I also got three new dart flight barrels and this fortnight’s
Smash Hits
. It’s king. Devo: are we not spiny?

Sunday, 1 July

We dun the poster board up:

Pritty good. It was sunny today. We made Sooty a new guinea pig run. Listened to the Top 40. Tubeway Army no. 1. Clash is back to 25, but Pistols are 24. Ace. Ruts are coming up as well. Silly boy – pardon.
¹⁷

Saturday, 7 July

My new poster set-up:

I got the Skids poster from this fornight’s
Smash Hits
mag. It’s got words to: The Ruts, Sex Pistols etc. It’s too ace. Plus … up town, I bought two singles: ‘C’Mon Everybody’ by Sid Vicious (S Pistols) and ‘Babylon’s Burning’ by the Ruts. They’re 2 spiny and good. Plus, I’ve put up a poster of the Rats in place of ELO.
¹⁸

Saw
Benny Hill
. Bed = 10.00. Babylon’s burning. C’mon everybody! Hoooo, c’mon everybody. I wish I was a blakhed wiv anxiety, usin’ mah mind. (Sponsored by Bernard Tosimov.)

Sunday, 15 July
WALES

It was luvly and sunny and hot and glint. We went to Llanbedrog for the day. I got really burnt arms and legs. I bought the paperback
Coma
. It is so spiny. Mr Williams put a bit of rope up over a tree out the back for a swing thing. Apey gougey.
¹⁹
We went for a long walk after a egg n chipz tea to Pistyll beach. It was very warm all day. My legs are stingin’. I wish I was a lump in some rice pudding.

Monday, 16 July

I wish I was a trout. We went to Pwllheli for dinner. I bought a £2.00 All-American Frisbee. Had cold beef rolls for dinner on de beach. Read a lot more of
Coma
. Got really sunburnt. Luvly and hot tho’. Had a walk across Morfa Nefyn beach to a pub for crisps and Coke. We walk’d bak to the car cross de golfy course
and
I had a beefburger in batter from a chip shop. Everybody else had chipz. Bed = 10.00 + John Peel.