Where Does My Heart Belong? (4 page)

CHAPTER
9

November
1968 - January 1969

Red’s and my relationship
continues to grow.  His divorce becomes final and we spend almost every night
together but I don’t move in.  He’s a passionate, gentle lover and as my fear
of being inexperienced lessens, I just can’t get enough of him.  He’s always
bringing me flowers, buying me little gifts, and takes me off for weekend
get-a-ways to wonderful places.  One of our best trips is to Seattle where we
spend 2 great days with Carol and the girls. 

When we get there on a
Friday afternoon, Carol is studying for finals so she asks us if we will take
the girls until Saturday night so she can study.  Red gets us a beautiful
2-bedroom hotel suite.  The girls and I get to share a huge king sized bed
while he sleeps in the other bedroom.  On Saturday, we take them out to lunch
and to the Seattle Aquarium.  Later that night Carol gets a babysitter and Red
takes us both out to Canlis, Seattle’s most beautiful exclusive restaurant.  
Situated on Queen Ann hill the dining room view over Lake Union and the city is
spectacular, and so is the food and wine.  It cost the earth but he doesn’t
care, nothing is too good for his special ladies.

When we leave for home on
Sunday, he is happy and contented.  His family is still together.   Maybe not
physically but emotionally and that means everything to him.

A week or so after we get
home he tells me he’s being transferred to the Ford dealership in Ashwood.  The
manager there is quitting and his boss wants him to take it over.   They will
pay him a salary plus commission.  It’s supposed to be a promotion, but he
doesn’t see it that way. 

“I sell more cars than
anyone, why would they want to lose that?  I think they’re all just jealous and
want me out of the way.  I’m a salesman, not a manager.  I don’t want to do
it.  And what about us, are you ready to quit your job, pack up and go with
me?”

“Yes,  it’s 90 miles
away, that’s too far to drive back and forth every day.  We would only get to
see each other on weekends.  How long have they given you to decide?”

“One week.  I think we
should go to Ashwood and scope it out.   I’ve been there lots of times but I
never paid too much attention to the town and its dynamics.”

“Then let’s go this
week-end.  If you like what you see we’ll look for a place to live and you can
tell your boss you’ll do it.” 

We go to Ashwood the
following Saturday and he checks out the dealership.  It’s a lot bigger than
the one at home but he likes what he sees.

“What the hell, I may as
well do it.  Let’s see if we can find someplace to live.”

We find a nice motel that
offers furnished efficiency units.  It will do until we can get an apartment.

Back at home, he tells
his boss he’ll take the job.  I quit my job and we start packing up our stuff,
putting most of our furniture in storage, and then we’re on our way to
Ashwood. 

Once we get there, I
start job hunting and looking for an apartment.  I sign on with a temporary job
service and get a job filling in for a secretary that is going to be gone for
several weeks over the Christmas holidays.  We find a nice 2-bedroom apartment
and move in just before Christmas, after spending a horrendous weekend driving
a U-Haul back to Eagle Valley in blizzard conditions to get our furniture.

For our first Christmas
together, I give him a new watch and he gives me a pair of emerald earrings
that match my eyes.    On Christmas day, we go down to the local Salvation Army
and help serve Christmas dinner to the less fortunate.  For New Year’s Eve, he
buys me a new dress and takes me out to a swanky restaurant for dinner and
dancing.  The next day he tells me he has to go to Ellensburg for 5 days to a
sales convention.  He is leaving on the fifth.  I don’t want him to go but I
guess this is part of his job.

On Friday, the 10
^th
I rush home.  I can’t wait to see him.   He’s waiting for me when I get there. 
I fall into his arms and he carries me to the bedroom.  Our sex is passionate
and frantic. 

“That was incredible,” I
tell him when it’s over.  “Oh, my, I’m so glad your back.”

He is strangely quiet. 
Then he says, “I need to talk to you and you’re not going to like it.”

“What’s wrong, what’s
going on?”  I knew it was going to be something I didn’t want to hear.

“I quit my job at the
dealership.”

“What? You did what?”

“I know it’s only been a
little over a month but I can’t stand it here, Lib.  I’ve only sold two cars
and I hate the management part of it.  I told you, I’m a salesman, not a
manager.  I’ve found another job as a salesman at a dealership in Ellensburg.”

“Ellensburg, that’s
further away yet.  You’re leaving, you’re leaving me?”

“I’m never going to leave
you, babe, but I’m going to Ellensburg and I want you with me.  I know you’ve
signed a 6-week contract for another job but after you’re done with that then I
want you to come to Ellensburg. ”

I’m sobbing into my
pillow.  Something in my psyche tells me that our relationship is falling
apart.

“I’m sorry, babe, I knew
you would be upset, that’s why I waited until the last minute to tell you.”

“Last minute, how ‘last
minute’?”

“I leave Sunday, day after
tomorrow.   I have to be there Monday morning.”

I feel like my world has
just fallen apart.  I think I’m going to be sick.  I get off the bed and rush
to the bathroom where I vomit and retch.  He comes in and holds me, washes my
face and carries me back to the bed where he wants to make love to me again but
I push him away, I have a horrible sick empty feeling in my heart. 

The next day I help him
pack up a U-Haul truck and afterwards I tell him I wish I didn’t have to be
here tomorrow.   I don’t want to watch him drive away from me.

“I know this is hard,
baby, but I’m going to call you every day and as soon as the weather gets
decent I want you to come up on week-ends.  This isn’t the end.  It will all
work out, I promise you.”

However, the sick feeling
in my stomach tells me it’s not going to be.

CHAPTER
10

When I get home from work
Monday evening, there’s a big bouquet of flowers waiting for me.  Red is true
to his word and calls me every day.  He says he likes it there and sold two
cars on his first day.   He’s found another motel with efficiency and is
looking for an apartment.  He can’t wait to see me again and promises to fly me
up there as soon as the weather gets better.

I call Beth and catch her
up to date on everything that has happened.  She says that she and Andy are
over.  He’s come home once to see her but she thinks it was only for the sex. 
She’s met a guy named Harold who is home on leave from the Army and he’s asked
her out.   I tell her to go, stop mooning over some guy who doesn’t want you.

Red finally finds a
2-bedroom apartment.  He‘s going to have a weekend off in two weeks so he’s
coming back to me then.   We’ll only have Friday night, Saturday, and Saturday
night together before he has to go back on Sunday but that’s better than not
seeing him at all.

When he gets here on
Friday he takes me out to dinner but he is strangely quiet, not his usual
self.  We make love after we get home but even that is subdued.  I finally ask
him what’s wrong. 

“I messed everything up
by taking that job in Ashwood and then going to Ellensburg.  I wish I’d stayed
in Eagle Valley,” he says.

“So, quit and we’ll go
back there.”

“I can’t, I signed a
year’s contract.”

“You did what?  Since
when do car salesmen sign a contract?”

“The dealership wants
long term employees.  They’re tired of hiring people and then having them run
off.  I wanted the job, but now I’m not so sure.  I think there’s some shady
things going on there but I haven’t figured out just what yet. “

“We’ll make the best of
it.  Once my contract is over, I’ll be able to join you.  Like you’re always
telling me, it will all work out.”  But my intuition tells me different.

The next day we leave the
apartment and take off to enjoy the day together.  Late in the afternoon we end
up in a tavern where there's a country music band playing.  After we sit down
and order beer, he tells me that he knows the bandleader and goes over to see
him.  The next thing I know, he is on the bandstand playing guitar and singing
with them.  I watch him perform.  He is in his element.  I haven't seen this
much joy on his face for a long time.  When he finishes the set and comes back
to our table, he is jubilant.

  I tell him, "This
is what you were meant to do.  Forget about selling cars, go back to your
music, please.  Go back to the thing you really love."

"Oh, babe, I wish I
could.  I'd like nothing better than to perform on stage again, especially if
you were with me.  Just keep that in your heart, I want it to happen one day,
but I don’t see it happening right now.”

"If it’s what you
want, then we'll make it happen, don't give up on your dream."

“Oh, Jesus, Lib, I wish I
could it but I’ve got to go to Ellensburg.  This contract they have me on is a
ball breaker.”

  “Listen, there’s
something I’ve never told you about before, my Grandma owns a recording studio
in Seattle.  Get a band together, start writing some songs, and I promise I can
get you recorded.”

“Oh, God, I love you for
that, babe, but I can’t do it now.  Just let it go, we can talk about all of
this in the future.”

I can’t believe that he
wouldn’t try to break that contract.  Something more is going on here, but he
won’t talk about it.

After he leaves on
Sunday, I find myself just moping about, crying off and on.  It will be three
days before he calls again.  Three days of wondering what’s going on, three
days of a sick panicky feeling in my stomach.

When he finally does
call, he apologizes and gives me the excuse that he has been on the road
ferrying cars.  I believe him but I don’t understand why he couldn’t find time
to make a phone call.

It will be four days
before he calls again.  He has never been this inattentive.  His birthday is
coming up and I ask him if he wants me to come there for it.  He says he’ll be
too busy, he’s working six days a week and spending four of them on the road
ferrying cars.  I know something is horribly wrong but when I ask him, he
denies it.

I hear from him only one
more time before his birthday so on his birthday I decide to call him.  His
phone has been disconnected.  I call the car dealership and ask for him, they
tell me that he doesn’t work there anymore.  He quit a week ago, and they don’t
know where he went.  Frantic, I call Carol but she hasn’t heard from him
either.   She wants to know where he is too, because he hasn’t paid his child
support for the past month.   Then I call his brother Bob in Eagle Valley but
he doesn’t know anything.  “You need to dump that sorry son of a bitch,” he
tells me.  “You’re too good for him, Libby, he’s never been one to be faithful,
and he cheated on Carol plenty.”

But doesn’t look like it
will be me who’ll be doing the dumping.  It looks like he has already dumped
me.  

I keep on trying to find
him.  I call everybody I can think of who knows him, but nobody has heard from
him.   Carol and Bob both call the dealership but it all comes back the same,
he's not there.  It's as if he's vanished off the face of the earth.  We don't
know if he's dead or alive. 

A couple of months later,
I'm sitting in the bank, waiting to talk to someone about closing out my
account, when I see an Ellensburg newspaper on the table in front of me.  I
pick it up and start thumbing through it, my intuition takes me to the vital
statistics section, and there I see his name in the marriage notices.   He’s
getting married to someone named Linda Roberts.    I’m sure it’s Red because
his middle name is Xavier, and how many other Norman Carlson’s can there be in
Ellensburg with that middle name?  I scream to myself and start sobbing.  I don’t
think I’ll ever be able t
l ever be ablewilthat nt
o
recover from this.  Now it’s final, I have lost everything that is important to
me.   All of my hopes and dreams, and not only just my boyfriend but my best
friend as well and I don’t know why.

CHAPTER
11

July
– November 1969

In the months since I
found out that Red had gotten married I have become a real drunk.  I moved back
to Eagle Valley and found another job.  Beth and I go out at least 3 times a
week to the bars, drinking and feeding off each other’s sorrows, looking for
men.  I go to the doctor and get a prescription for birth control pills.  I
never had to worry about that with Red since he’d had a vasectomy but I sure
don’t want an unwanted pregnancy if I find a man I like.

One Wednesday night we’re
drinking in a hotel lounge when two good-looking men walk in.  They sit at the
bar but keep looking over at us.  Finally, the younger of the two comes over
and asks if they can buy us a drink and sit with us.  He is one of the
best-looking men I have ever seen.  He’s short, about 5’ 8”, slim, with black
curly hair and brown eyes.  From the sound of his accent, I think he’s probably
European.  We tell them yes.  Beth starts chatting up the other guy while I
focus on the gorgeous one.

“Hi, I’m Libby.  What’s
your name?  Where are you from?”

“My name is Desi and I am
from Paris, France but I have been in the United States for 8 years.  Jim and I
work for a pole spraying company in New York.  We spray the telephone and power
poles so they won’t decay.  We are here on a contract for the summer.  Would
you like to dance?”  I tell him I’m a lousy dancer but get up to try it
anyway.  He’s a good dancer and makes it easy for me.

When we get back to the
table, he asks me out for Friday night and I say yes.  Jim has asked Beth out
too so we tell them we’ll met them here at 8:00 Friday night.  Then we thank
them for the drink and head home.

“Oh my God,” Beth says. 
“We’ve gotten ourselves a couple of cuties this time.  I can’t wait for
Friday.”

“What about Harold?” I
ask her.

“Oh, Harold, shmarold, I
won’t see him for months.  He doesn’t get furloughed until January.”

“Just remember, these
guys are only here for the summer.  Don’t get carried away like you did with
Andy.”

On Friday night, they are
waiting for us and take us dancing to three different clubs.  It’s a great
evening and they ask us out again for Saturday night.  This time we go to
dinner, and a movie at the drive-in.  On the way home Desi asks if I would like
to have a picnic with him the next day.  He says he’ll bring chicken, baked
beans, biscuits, and beer.  I tell him, okay, and that I’ll make a fruit
salad.  I show him where my apartment building is and he says he will pick me
up at noon.

On Sunday, we go to a
small deserted campground with a creek running through it in the national
forest and spend the day getting to know each another.  He tells me that his
father and two sisters live in Paris.  His mother died when he was 13.  He only
finished the 8
^th
grade because he had to go to work to help support
the family.  When he was 20 he came to the U.S. to stay with a friend of his
father’s and he’s been here ever since.  He goes back once or twice a year to
see his family.  He has never been married.  I tell him about myself and after
we eat our picnic, we explore the forest and goof around in the creek. 

It’s the start of a
summer romance; one that I will always cherish.  We see each other several
times a week, have drinks, go dancing, go to movies, and explore the wonderful
outdoors.   Eventually, we make love. We’re not in love with each other but
we’ve formed a special bond that I hope will last, even after he’s gone. 

By the time September
rolls around I have missed my period.  My God, how can I be pregnant when I’m
on those pills?  I make an appointment with the doctor but the test comes back
negative.  “It may be too early to tell,” he says.  “These things aren’t
foolproof.”

By the end of September I
know that I am.  There are changes in my body.  My breasts are sore and certain
smells make me slightly nauseous.  There’s a dull ache in my lower abdomen.  I
have to tell Desi, he’s leaving in a week.

He takes the news well
but I can tell he isn’t happy about it.  Neither am I.  If I wanted a child, I
would never have used birth control.

“I will write to you and
tell you where I am, you must let me know as soon as you find out for sure,” he
tells me.  He gives me the address of his employer in New York and says I can
write to him anytime.  They will forward the letters to him.  Right now, he is
going to Iowa for a month. 

After he leaves I get a
beautiful postcard from France, he has gone to visit his family for a few days,
a letter from Iowa, and then nothing.  I write to him but another month goes by
with no response.  My next pregnancy test finally comes back positive, and it
seems that another man has disappeared from my life.

This time I have to know
what’s going on.  With Red, I didn’t pursue it as much as I could have, and
I’ve regretted that ever since.  I call the long distance operator and get the
number for his employer.  Once I have it I’m not sure if I have the guts to
make the call but finally I do.  I tell them I’m looking for one of their
employees who was working in Washington this past summer.  They transfer me to
the personnel department and I tell a lady there who I am and who I’m looking
for.  I lie to her and tell her I have some of his personal belongings and want
to get them back to him. 

There’s some silence on
the phone and then she says, “Libby do you live at the Parkside Apartments in
Eagle Valley, Washington?”  My God, how does she know this?  I tell her that I
do.

“Libby, I have some
terrible news for you.  Desi was killed six weeks ago from an accident on the
job.  We found your letters to him in his personal effects.  We’ve been meaning
to contact you but we always try to contact the family first.  Do you know
where his family is?”

Devastated, crying, and
sobbing, I tell her, “I don’t have an address, but he told me that his father
and sisters live in Paris.”

“Libby, would you like to
have some of his personal effects?  He started a letter to you and some
poetry.  We’re aware of your situation.”

I tell her that I would
and then put down the phone and cry and cry.  My sweet, sweet, Desi, what am I
going to do now?

Three weeks later, I lose
the baby.