Where I Found My Heart (8 page)

Chapter 18

When I woke up the next day the smell of bacon was beckoning. I haven’t smelled that savory, sweet, smoky smell for such a long time. In case you haven’t picked up on it, I love bacon. I got up and brushed my teeth real fast then practically jogged into the kitchen.

“Coffee?”

“Yes please.”

“I’m making ‘spit in the oceans’.”

“And bacon.”

“Yes, and bacon.” She shook her head and laughed under her breath.

I haven’t had a spit in the ocean in like forever, almost as long as I haven’t had bacon. It’s a McAdams family specialty. You make a hole in the center of thick sourdough bread and in a buttery fry pan you crack an egg into the hole. After a minute or two you flip it, then serve. When you cut into it the yolks ooze onto the grilled bread and…well, it’s perfect. Dylan used to make it for me all the time.

I poured us each a glass of orange juice and brought the bottle over to the table as Libby was putting down the plates. I was hungrier than I thought.

“Libs, I love this. I’ve missed this.” I said waving my arm.

“Spit in the oceans?” she asked.

“That and this.” I took a sip of my orange juice, “I’ve missed everything. Family…breakfast…bacon.”

“Good, cause we’re doing this,” she waved her arm over the table, “a lot more often. Got it?”

“Got it.” I said with a mouth full of toasted bread and egg. Followed directly with bacon.

“You look much better. Sleep well?”

“I did. Even though I feel like a total fool for breaking down like that, and I know I must have looked horrible, it was somewhat therapeutic.”

“You going to see him again?”

“If he had his way yes.”

She smiled, “what if you had your way.”

“We’ll see.” I smirked.

“That’s better than a straight out
no
.”

Just then my phone chimed. I had a text, which if you knew me would seem odd. The only person in the whole world who would text me was sitting next to me. I got up and grabbed the phone from my purse, looking down at the message I read it and smiled.
 

Believe it or not, I had an awesome time last night. Hope to hear from you soon. I’ll be waiting.

I brought the phone over and showed a very curious Libby the message.

“Told you that guy is really into you.”

“Yes you did.” I put the phone down and finished my breakfast. We spent an hour being lazy before we both showered and dressed for work.

“Coffee Shack?” she asked me as we drove to work. I didn’t have my car since we’d left it in the nursery parking lot when we went to go shopping yesterday.

“Sure, but no donuts for me. I’m stuffed.”

“Me too.”

It was a good day. I got a lot done. Greenhouse Two was now cleaned, watered, fed and pruned. The rows of flowers were beginning to bloom.

I put tags on the flowers ready for sale and I made a few arrangements. This is where I could get creative and I loved it. Dylan was the one who showed me how to do the arrangements. I remember how cute it was the way he kept touching my hands then he’d pull back so I wouldn’t get the wrong idea. I could see he was struggling to be professional, but if he could have read my thoughts he would have seen that I was eager to get my hands in his way. In fact, I did it on purpose.

He told me later on, ‘he was afraid he’d scare me away if he moved too fast’. I wanted to shout out ‘IMPOSSIBLE’ but refrained. Little did he know, he could never have scared me away. I was already harboring a big crush on him.

Picking up my bucket, I made my way to Greenhouse Three. As soon as I opened the door I knew I had my work cut out for me, both physically and emotionally. In the rear of the greenhouse was Dylan’s office. I haven’t been back there since he died.

Remember that story about the passion shared behind a greenhouse. Well, you guessed it.

It was Greenhouse Three.

Chapter 19

I put my bucket down and walked over to the hose turning it on. First things first, let’s get this place cleaned up. I gave myself mental direction.

I swept and washed the floors, power-sprayed the windows, which were in some seriously bad shape. I assumed no one has been in number three, other than the field help, for quite some time.

I cleaned off all of the tables and lined up the trays and pots.

I found myself singing, of all things, as I filled them each with soil.

Every last one of them.

Now for the hard part, I needed to go into Dylan’s office and get the charts to see what needed to be planted where and when. I walked to the back, extremely slowly, like I was expecting someone to jump out.

I stopped short of opening the door. But then I thought I was being silly and dependent on memories, and sadly enough, I wanted them to be only good memories. Life didn’t work that way. You didn’t get to choose which memories affected you. You had to deal.

So deal I would.

I grabbing the doorknob twisted it and pushed the door open. It clattered against the wall. I reached in and flipped the light switch on, then stood in the doorway slowly scanning the once familiar room.

This was a room that saw its fair share of life—smiles, pain, heartache and love. This is a room where two people had sex…regularly. The desk, the chair, the floor, hell, even against the wall.

We were a very passionate couple.

My chest tightened as I glimpsed the picture of us on his desk. My back leaning against him, his arms crossed over my small, but prominent, baby bump.

I shook.

I started sweating and my knees went weak. I needed to sit down. Somewhere…anywhere, before my ass hit the floor. So without hesitation I sat down in the chair that faced the desk—Dylan’s desk—and reached out turning that picture frame depicting the young happy growing family face down. I wasn’t ready for that yet.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready.

I looked around the room, everything so familiar yet odd, like it didn’t belong here anymore. Or maybe it was me who didn’t belong here anymore. That was a pain I never wanted to acknowledge.

“Reny, you in here?” I heard Libby call from the door of the greenhouse.

“I’m back here. The office.” My voice was shaky and I mentally told myself to calm down as I took a deep breath, releasing it slowly.

I heard her shoes clack against the wooden planks as she made her way to the back of the greenhouse. I noticed they got slower as she approached his office.

“Hey. How you making out?” She said tentatively as she stood safely in the doorway looking around the small office.

“This is difficult.”

“Yeah, we, Dave and I, haven’t been in here since…” she trailed off.

“Same here.” I stated the obvious.

“Why you in here?” She was surprised. No more than I was, that much I was sure of.

“I needed the charts for the tables. I got all the pots and the trays ready, just needed the charts.”

“Hey, you did a lot today. Why don’t you call it a day? Seeds can be planted tomorrow. I can even get one of the girls do it.”

“I’m okay, I’d rather get it done. Then I can move on to four tomorrow.”

“Up to you, but you really should call it a day.” She apprehensively walked in to where I sat and rested her hands on my shoulders squeezing lightly.

“I’m good. Thanks Lib.”

“Sure. Josh and I are going to grab something to eat wanna come?”

“I’m not very hungry. Just going to finish up here and head home. But I’ll see you tomorrow.” I added the last part in so she wouldn’t push.

“Okay. See you tomorrow.”

It worked.

“Say hi to Josh for me.”

“I’ll do that.” She walked away, then turned to face me again, “Listen, take it slow. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Things will get easier, I promise.” She smiled brightly and I couldn’t help but smile back. I was reminded of someone else who said the very same thing.

“Yeah, I’ve been hearing that a lot lately. Have a good night.”

I spun around in the chair and lifted the picture frame up. I glanced down at the still image that captured my perfect life, the one I used to have. “Don’t do this to yourself dummy.” I said before I lay it back face down. I stood and walked over towards the filing cabinet to find the charts.

They were exactly where I had last left them.

Taking the charts I sat absent mindlessly in Dylan’s chair spreading the wide paper out in front of me and stared down at the title of the charts, created by Evelyn McAdams, Dylan’s mother – The Perennial Greenhouse Layout. It listed the names of each of the flowers, the flowers that returned year after year—sort of an elucidation of my life. But, it was time for new growth, a new tomorrow, and as if someone read my mind, my phone chimed. I pulled it out of my pocket and looked at the screen.
 

Thinking about you.

Although a nice thing to say, I really didn’t know how to respond to it.

Good thoughts I hope.
I sounded like an idiot.

Lunch tomorrow?

That sounds nice.

Was that a yes?

Yes.

I’ll pick you up at 1

I’ll be ready. Where are we going?

It’s a surprise.

In case you haven’t noticed, I don’t handle surprises particularly well.

I’ll need to know what to wear.

Wear a smile.

Mark if it were only that easy. I couldn’t help but smile.

In any case, that little conversation gave me the lift I needed and I took the charts out of the office and carried them into the belly of the greenhouse. I studied the pages quickly before pulling the seed packs from the pouches sorted alphabetically in the small drawers of the seeding shelves.

I do like growing things.

I stood in front of my closet desperately trying to find something suitable for ‘a surprise lunch’. I didn’t know what to wear. Was it a nice place? Casual? In either case I was sure wearing overalls and garden clogs was not appropriate. I finally settled on a pair of black jeans and a light V-neck sweater. I pulled out my light-weight black jacket and lay it on the bed next to the clothes I’d chosen.

After showering I got dressed, applied makeup and dried my hair. One look in the mirror told me this was about as good as I would get it without Libby’s help, so I grabbed my purse and headed out the door. Now I was happy I did all the dirty labor yesterday. When I parked my car in front of the nursery I went directly into the main building straight to the back where the other staff offices were, including my own.

It was like walking into the twilight zone. I had only been back here once after Dylan’s death. I remember having to get files, and my checkbook. I didn’t look around the office then, just sort of rushed in and out. If I did, I might have been better prepared for my trip back down memory lane.

For the most part, it was as I left it. Which in itself was the problem. When I left it I was a very happily married woman expecting my first child with a man I totally adored.

The wall was covered with pictures of the two of us smiling. It seemed a whole world away. Like I’ve lived ten lives since then…each horribly sadder than the last. There were also several pictures of us both with our families. Our wedding picture hung next to our engagement picture, both surrounded by memories of a life that up and disappeared in the blink of an eye.