Wherever You Go (35 page)

Julia's expression banishes all the worry lines from her face. "Yes. Holly left you all alone?"

"I'm all right." Aldo gazes into her eyes. You can see him fighting to stay present. "You are here with me now."

Her eyes cloud with tears. "Sure."

"Stay awhile," he says softly.

"Of course." She squeezes his hand.

"Tell her what you want her to know," you say. "Tell her while I'm here to help you. You can do it, Aldo. And if you need me to help you find the words, I can do it."

"All I want," he says to Julia, "is for you to see me."

"I do see you, Papa."

"No," Aldo says sternly, and then pauses for a breath. "You look away."

She gazes down at her hand clasped in his. Maybe she doesn't even realize she's proving him right. "Papa," she says finally, "it's hard for me to see you like this." Her teeth rake her lower lip, and when she finally raises her head, her eyes are wet. "You were such a big, strong man. I see you like this and I'm afraid."

"Don't be afraid," Aldo says, squeezing her hand. "I'm still me."

Tears roll down Julia's cheeks. You're not sure if they are tears of guilt or tears of relief. You haven't seen her cry all these months. "I'm sorry," she says, her voice small, like a child's. "I don't know what to do when I see you like this. I don't know what to do."

"Just love me."

Aldo's words echo in the room, and in your mind, as Julia reaches out and hugs her father. Maybe you're starting to see things, but you'd swear the living room just got brighter, the TV softer. You almost feel something like warmth radiating from Julia embracing Aldo in his chair.

Suddenly it all seems so clear to you. The only thing that Aldo wants is for someone to
see
him. And maybe that's all that anyone ever wants. It's mind blowing to you that the simplest thing could be an act of love—but it really is.
To be seen is to be loved
.

If your parents had really seen you, talked to you, back before that terrible night, would they have saved you? You can't be sure. And did you ever really see Holly as she truly was, as you truly were together? You don't think so—not now that you've seen the way she and Jason look at each other, sensed the way they feel. The truth is that love is seeing the person you love for who they are right then, in that moment. People can't be anyone else.

You feel ashamed that you never noticed—never saw the love all around you. And you feel like an ass for the tears that come to your eyes. But this is sappy stuff that you never thought about before, stuff that never even crossed your mind until you met this old man. Until he could see you. And you him.

The light is getting stronger in the living room.

"Aldo," you say, clearing your throat, "check this glow out."

He raises his head. "Travel well, my friend."

"We'll meet again someday," you say, knowing you'll miss him more than you thought you would when the time had come to say goodbye.

And then the light surrounds you, but it doesn't take you.

Not yet.

It had been forever since Jason took a walk through the development on the hill. But he couldn't stand sitting around at the house, his mother staring at him sadly, offering him another piece of cake. A birthday was made for celebrating, not moping. So he'd said screw it and left the house. The minimart at the bottom of the hill would be a good-enough destination.

He knew he would have to wind down McCallister Road, but when he approached the new, shiny guardrail, his heart still clenched up in his chest. When did hurt get stale? He kept expecting that eventually it would go away, but maybe with the added loss of Holly the hurt felt new again. A different kind of heartbreak, to be sure, but painful nonetheless.

The guardrail made a crappy bench, but he sat down anyway. Funny to think that this was now a place of some kind of comfort to him. The last place that Rob had breathed. The only place that helped Jason feel closer to him. A place in happier times they would have come to drink, tell stories, throw the bottles down into the ravine. But this was a different kind of celebration. Hanging alone on his freaking birthday. Just another night on the hill sitting on a piece of metal ieceut it doesn the dark.

"Hey."

He was startled from gazing at the dark ravine by the sound of a voice. Holly's voice.

"What are you doing here?" she called out. "Why aren't you at your party?"

"There's no party," he said. "I canceled it."

A car came slowly up the hill, hitting the two of them with a wash of lights. The dark was a relief when it came again. Jason was afraid his face was showing something—fear, surprise—something he didn't feel like showing.

Holly cut a small figure in the dark. Her coat's hood up against the chilly night, her hands shoved into her pockets. And as she approached, he saw uncertainty on her face. But she was there—that had to be a good sign.

"What are you doing walking up the hill?"

"I came to see you," she said, taking a seat next to him on the guardrail.

Jason's face warmed with a smile. "Nice."

"This place, though," Holly said, "the last time I was here, I nearly died. It's kind of a weird spot to find you."

"Yeah," he said. "I come here sometimes. I don't know why."

She reached for his hand. Her fingers were cold as they clasped his. "Look, I have to tell you something about this place," she said. "Something about Rob."

Here it was. The conversation Jason had been dreading the whole time they'd been hanging out. The one topic they couldn't talk about. The very thing that was keeping them apart and held them together. "We don't have to talk about Rob."

Holly's eyes were dark. "Yes, we do. You need to know something."

"You don't have to say it..."

"Yes, I do ... He wasn't okay at the end of the summer," Holly said in a quiet voice. "He was really messed up. And I saw it, and you probably saw it. And we didn't stop it. Maybe we couldn't if we'd tried."

He couldn't look her in the eyes for a moment. He didn't want her to see the guilt or the hurt churning inside him.

Holly didn't stop. "The crash was on purpose. And his problems didn't start that night," she said. "They were building for a long time, and we all knew it, I think."

Jason breathed in the chilly air, willing it to take the stinging out of his eyes. He didn't want to break down in front of Holly. "We fucked up," he said, finally raising his head.

"He wouldn't want you to say that," Holly said. "He just wants us to be happy."

"How can you know something like that? How can anyone know?"

"I just know. Trust me."

Trust me
. That had been
his
line to Holly weeks ago. And he wasn't sure that he had been trustworthy, that all the stuff about Rob hadn't gotten in the way. But at least now they shared the burden of the truth about Rob. He sensed if she didn't really care about him, she wouldn't be there. Wouldn't be sitting with him at the darkest place he'd ever known.

"So, does your mom know you're out?"

She sucked in a breath. "I wanted to leave, and so I did."

"Wow."

"Yeah, I was afraid of going to your place, but—"

"Why would that make you scared?"

"Well, there were supposed to be a ton of people. You know, your party."

"But you came anyway."

"Yeah." The dark barely hid the color in her cheeks. "I had to. First I wanted to get to you to tell you I was sorry about earlier, and then I read your note..."

"What did you think?"

"It was the best thing I've ever read."

"Yeah?"

"Without a doubt."

Jason leaned over and kissed her, this time holding her in his arms the way he'd wanted to when he first saw Holly those years before. Giving her the kind of kiss that warmed his whole body, that made him want to keep kissing her until they couldn't breathe.

"The thing is," Holly said, pulling back from his embrace a moment later, "even if you don't love me—"

He put a finger across her lips, silencing her. "Holly, how can you think that I wouldn't love you? All this time, the only thing I wanted was to be with you."

As he kissed her again, he had the feeling that everything was going to be all right. He knew it from the way she held him. Even if she couldn't say it yet, she loved him back—and that made all the difference.

***

Unlike what people who almost die always say, the light isn't blinding, and it doesn't come quickly. Your light starts as a glow, like an aura around things in the distance. The light builds from a faint gold into a bright, halogen light. It seems demanding, calling you toward it. And though you're scared to make it wait, you have a feeling it will. There are places to go yet.

You check out your house one last time. Your parents are curled up in each other's arms in their bed. Mom has a peaceful look on her face, and your dad is awake, softly stroking her hair as she sleeps. In her own room, Kayla is sleeping with your teddy bear. Chuck, your golden retriever, raises his head from his mat near her door, sniffing in your direction. "Watch over her," you say, and he settles back down to sleep with a snort.

Now to see what's up at Holly's. Aldo and Julia are watching TV, though they've left PBS and are watching a talk show. She tucks an afghan around his legs in the recliner, passes him a bowl of popcorn. Something good is happening between them. There's a lightness around Julia's face that wasn't present before. Aldo gives you a smile and a little salute as you pass through the room.

The light flashes, like during intermission at some play. It's time to go, but there is one more place. The place this so-called adventure started. The place this should all end.

You find Holly on McCallister Road, in Jason's arms, just as she should be. You let out a thankful whoop. Everything worked out. And they're good to
gether. Maybe they were meant to be. Or maybe the things you put into motion caused them to be meant to be. You'll probably never know.

The universe keeps a lot from the dead, but the one thing you do know—the thing you are absolutely sure of now—is that even if you don't choose to see it, love is all around. Even when you think it isn't there, it is. Love follows you wherever you go.

And that is your last thought as you become part of the light.

As always, thanks to my agent, Stephen Barbara, for your dedication, friendship, and all-around awesomeness. Special thanks to my talented and enthusiastic editor, Julie Tibbott, wonderful publisher Betsy Groban, and the hard-working team at Houghton Mifflin Harcourt. I'm so very grateful for your faith in me and for your help in bringing my stories to life.

Much appreciation to my family for encouragement and support—especially my dad, who drove me across Milwaukee on my first mini book tour. A big thanks to Liz Gallagher, whose insights on writing and relationships have seriously enriched my world. Many kisses to Pat White for helpful story fairy dust. And much love to Dona Sarkar and all my girls at
Booksboysbuzz.com
for being there through the ups and downs of life and writing.

Thank you to my readers! I'm so inspired by your stories and by the way books touch your lives. You guys have to know you're the reason I make stuff up ... Clichéd as it may be, writing books for you is a dream come true. Seriously.

This is a book that involves teen suicide and depression. It's a made-up story, but depression is real. If you really are feeling depressed, please talk to someone you trust—a parent, a teacher, a counselor. It's worth it, I promise. If you are feeling suicidal, please call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8ce="ti, but depr255 and get help 24/7. Here's the website:
www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org.
Please know that you're here for a reason and that you are loved more than you'll ever comprehend.

Just like Holly, teens all across the country are caring for family members with serious medical conditions. Some communities have support groups and respite for caregivers, and there may even be a special teen caregiver support network in your city. If you need information, please check out the Family Caregiver Alliance (FCA) at
www.caregiver.org
. You'll find some state-by-state listings there.

My grandmother lost her battle with Alzheimer's a few years before I wrote this book. It's a disease that so many of our older family members are struggling with, and its emotional impact affects the whole family. To get more information or to get involved, go to
www.alz.org
or call the 24/7 helpline 1-800-272-3900.