White Nights (15 page)

“Ah, our saviors,” Coralie murmured, straightening her clothing and smoothing her tangled blond curls from her eyes.

Jordan was the first to dismount. He stopped in front of his wife and held out his hand. With a sigh of relief, she went with him. The pair left with arms twined around each other.

Wolf hunched behind Jessie and rubbed her shoulders. The sight made Eirica sigh with longing. Both Coralie and Jessie had husbands who were concerned with their welfare and not afraid to show their love. What she wouldn’t give for someone to lean against, to soothe away her aches. She eyed James’s hands. Once, not too long ago, the sight of hands that large would have instilled fear in her, but not now, not with him. She imagined how good it’d feel to have someone massage away the tired achiness.

As if he read her mind, he smiled down at her. She glanced away. To her relief, the conversation between Wolf and James turned to the trail.

Jessie leaned into Wolf and glanced up at him. “We’re not taking the sublet cutoff are we?” Half listening, Eirica watched Sadie head to one of the wagons and the scant shade it offered.

“No. It might be shorter, but water between the Big Sandy River and the Green River is scarce. We might have to go fifty miles without water. I don’t want to stress the cattle more than necessary. We’re doing fine time-wise so we’ll head for Fort Bridger. We might even be able to sell some of the weaker stock there.”

Again, feeling like an outsider, Eirica glanced away from the couple’s tender looks. It was long past time for her to relieve Anne’s girls. “Well, I had best collect my children.”

James cleared his throat. “I’d be willing to bet you haven’t eaten yet.”

She sighed. “Not really. Just some biscuits and tea. Rook managed to feed my children and Anne’s while we washed. But none of us women stopped to eat.”

Dante and Alberik walked around James, blocking him from Eirica’s view.

“All done, Mrs. Macauley,” Alberik began. “Is there anything else I can do?”

“I can start the fire for you.” Dante, looming taller than Alberik, squared his shoulders.

But before she had a chance to assure both young men that they’d done enough, James placed a hand on each man’s shoulders and stepped forward. He then draped his arms across their backs and smiled with all the confidence borne of a man who had no need to be jealous but had decided to make his intentions crystal clear. “I’m mighty glad Eirica had help today, but now that I’m here, I’ll take over.”

Alberik looked like he wanted to protest but Dante rolled his eyes and grabbed the younger man by the arm. “Come on, mate. We’re being warned not to overstep our bounds.”

Dante grinned and inclined his head toward Eirica. “Let either one of us know if you need any further assistance tonight, Eirica.”

“Impudent pup,” James muttered, shoving past them to hold out his hand to help Eirica to her feet. With a guilty grin that reminded Eirica of a little boy who’d absconded with a plate of forbidden cookies, he pointed to a pouch hanging from his saddle.

“I nabbed some food. Come on, we’ll go somewhere quiet where you can eat and rest.” He led her to his waiting horse.

Eirica held back. “James, I can’t leave the kids. Lara and Ian need to lie down. They’ve been running wild since they woke this morning.” She missed the look that passed between James and Jessie.

“Wolf and I will watch them for you, Eirica. You deserve to get away for a bit.”

Before Eirica could reply, Alison, who’d run over, squealed with delight. “Can we go riding, Jessie? Oh, please?”

“Well, maybe for a bit, if your ma says it’s okay. Then you have to promise to lie down and rest.”

“I don’t need no naps no more.” At Jessie’s frown, she hastily added, “But I could lie down and keep Lara company while
she
sleeps.”

James grinned. “See? They’ll be fine. Come on.”

Wolf stood and pulled Jessie up. “Get Shilo, Jessie. We’ll take these youngsters for a ride.”

Alison demanded his attention. “Can I ride with you, Wolf? I like your horse. He goes ever so fast.”

Eirica’s eyes went round, but James pulled her away. “Quit worrying, Mama. That horse of Wolf’s might have been unbroken when we started out, but he’s the best dam—dang horse I’ve ever seen.”

Before Eirica could protest further, he maneuvered her into the saddle, cradled sideways in his arms as he guided his horse along the river, heading downstream. Resentment rose. Once more, he’d ignored her wishes and desires. Worse, he’d run roughshod over her in front of the others, never giving her a chance to agree or refuse. The more she dwelled on it, the madder she got. She fought back tears of frustration. Finally, she could stand it no longer. “Let me down, James.”

“We’re almost there. I found the perfect spot—if no one’s claimed it for the night yet. I even have a nice quilt for you to sit on.” Oblivious to her feelings, he kept going.

“Stop!”

Startled, he glanced down at her, saw the tears trickling from her eyes. “Eirica? What’s wrong? Are you in pain?” He carefully dismounted and lifted her down. “What’s wrong, sweetheart?”

Eirica shoved him away. He stumbled back, nearly landing in the water before he regained his balance. Too furious to even consider what she was doing, she advanced and poked a finger in his chest. He backed up until water lapped at the heels of his boots.

“How—how dare you? Who do you think you are? I’m—I’m sick of people ordering me around. You—you’re no better than my father or brothers, always telling me what to do. Just leave me alone.” Feeling herself falling apart, Eirica tried to turn and run, but the realization of what she’d done held her rooted to the spot. She felt the heat of anger blanch from her face and her suddenly wary gaze wouldn’t leave the silent man standing before her. Instinct warned she’d better run or at least brace herself, but she didn’t. Instead, she squared her shoulders, tipped her chin and waited.

The seconds passed painfully slowly. What would he do? Would he yell back, or would he shove her as she’d nearly shoved him into the water? Or would he walk away from her forever?

Her heart pounded, her stomach twisted and churned, and her knees shook so hard that she had to lock them to keep them from buckling. Why didn’t he say something, do something? But he didn’t do or say anything, just stared at her, his expression unreadable. Unable to stand the uncertainty any longer, Eirica clutched her hands in the folds of her skirt to dry her sweating palms.

“James?” Her voice faded to a hoarse whisper. “Say something.”

James shook himself from the trance that had held him immobile. The sight of Eirica, her eyes darkened to the slate-blue of a winter sky, caught him by surprise. Watching those eyes snap, words failed him. Indeed, he hadn’t been able to move, held immobile by the sight of this woman laying into him in all her righteous fury.

Everything about her had come alive: her face had flooded with a pink that complemented her eyes, enhancing the blue, a shade he found mesmerizing and hoped to see again and again. And the rest of her, advancing on him, so small, so delicate, yet she hadn’t hesitated to poke and shove him, forcing him to back up. The soft soil beneath his boot warned him that he wasn’t far from toppling backward into the river.

Now she stared up at him, her features pale, her eyes wide with horror—and she wanted him to speak? Hell, he was breathless—and pleased beyond measure. She’d stood up to him. He chuckled, then realized his mistake when she narrowed her eyes. He stepped forward—away from the water’s edge—and reached out to take her trembling fingers in his hands, trying but unsuccessful in his attempt to wipe the grin from his face. “I think you are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.”

His comment took her aback. Her jaw dropped, then firmed. She yanked free. “This isn’t funny, James Jones. I—I’m serious. You’re trying to control me, dominate me. Even if you are nice about it, even if you’d never strike me, I can’t live like this anymore.”

Recognizing that this was a big step for her, that probably for the first time in her life, she’d stood up for herself, James sobered. She was right. Once again, he’d barged in with what he thought was best without considering her wishes.

He moved closer but didn’t try to touch her. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. I wasn’t laughing at you or making light of your feelings.” At her look of disbelief, he yanked off his hat and raked his fingers through his hair. So much depended on her believing him.

“Hell, Eirica, I don’t want to control you or dominate you. I want you at my side. Working alongside me, walking on my arm. I want you to be a part of me, not beneath me.” He frowned down at his hat. “I should have asked and waited for your answer.”

As he spoke the words, he also accepted this was something he’d have to work on. He was just too used to giving orders and having everyone obey—well, except his sister. He glanced up, willing Eirica to believe him, to give him another chance.

She sniffed, wiping away the tears that had trickled down her cheeks. Her fingers twisted in the material of her apron. “All I want is for people to consider my feelings, to ask. I’m so tired of being ordered around and not given choices.”

James tossed his hat to the ground and held out his hands, feeling low as a snake for not considering how his good intentions might come across. “I know I tend to barge in and take over, Eirica. I don’t mean to, I just don’t think. I was truly thinking about you and what you needed. I only wanted to take you away, give you a few hours free, and let you take a rest without being interrupted.”

Eirica stared at his outstretched hands. She sighed. “I know, James. No one has ever shown me the kindness and consideration you’ve shown.” She stepped forward and placed her hands in his. “Once it would have been enough to have someone like you see to all my needs, to make all the decisions.” She hesitated when he gripped her hands firmly, yet lightly, letting her know she could pull away if she needed.

“But now?” he asked.

“Oh, James, I’m so confused. I’m not sure what I need or what I even want. I finally have something I’ve never had—freedom. Freedom to make my own decisions, to think the way I want, to do what I want. You have no idea what this means to me and I don’t want to lose it. Yet there’s a part of me that yearns for what you’re offering. I lay awake at night, worrying about what I’ll do in Oregon. How can I manage on my own with four little ones? What kind of work can I get, how can I farm land on my own? I can’t afford help. And here you are, ready to step in and help me. You want to marry me and part of me is thrilled You are everything I ever wanted. But it may be too late for me, for us. I don’t know. I need time, James. Time to figure out what I need.”

James started to turn away but with a gentle touch, she stopped him, her eyes beseeching him to understand. “Please, James, don’t think I’m treating you or your intentions lightly, but there’s more for me to consider. What will happen to me, to the children, if something happens to you?” Her fingers stilled his protest. “I could lose you by accident or illness. What then? Don’t you see? I have to be able to stand on my own two feet. I need to know how to survive, especially in a place like Oregon. If I were back east, I could find work in a big city. I could survive as a widow with four children. But out here? I’m so afraid.” Her voice trailed off.

James drew a deep breath and pulled her close, brought her hands to the hard wall of his chest. “Then I will teach you all you need to know. We will work together, be a team.” He paused, his gaze searching hers. “I’m going to ask you something, but don’t answer now. Think about it for a while. Give me a chance to prove myself. I want to marry you, be a father to your children, have more children with you—a house full of red-haired and black-haired Joneses. I love you and your children and I want to adopt them.”

“Oh, James.” Her gaze turned tearful.

James brought one of her hands to his cheek. “I want to take care of you, provide for you, but I don’t want a doormat for a wife. What you just did, the way you stood up to me, made me want to swing you up in my arms and shout. When you’re angry, you’re absolutely beautiful and you had every right to be mad. I deserve it. In fact, I thought for sure you were going to push me into the water.”

He smiled tenderly down into her confused eyes. “That’s not to say that every time you get angry I’ll react so. Sometimes I’ll disagree. Hell, I might even shout back. But I don’t ever want you to fear me, nor do I ever want you to hide your anger or any other feelings you might have because you’re afraid of me. So, let me be upfront. You know how I feel. I’m asking you to marry me. Don’t answer. Wait. And in the meantime, I’ll be patient. I won’t push you.”

At her lifted brow, his lips twitched. “Well, I’ll try to be patient and if I forget my manners, you let me know.” He twined their fingers together and brought them down between them. “You can poke me in the chest anytime. Now, would you like to go for that walk, find a nice secluded spot to sit, talk and rest, or should I take you back?”

He smiled wolfishly. “I’ll even cook your meal so you can spend time with your children—if you let me stay and eat with you.”

Eirica took a deep breath, feeling amazingly light of heart. Standing up for herself had felt good though James’s reaction still amazed her.
He liked it?
He’d told her to do it again if he forgot himself. Suddenly, she wondered what it would be like to shout at him, to argue with him and have him shout and argue back—without ever having the fear of being struck. Whenever the men in her life yelled, she’d had to back down or risk a cuffing from her father or brothers—or worse from Birk.

Glancing around, she saw they were still alone. There were wagons, lines of them, farther upstream and down and spread across the endless prairie as far as the eye could see, but here, in this one spot, it was only her and James, peace and quiet, no intruding voices, no crying children. She fought back a yawn, tired from the back-breaking chore of laundry. The thought of returning to start the meal, mind the children, listen to their shouts and cries as they tired made her long for just a few stolen moments alone—not to mention his offer to cook dinner. Could he cook? Well, heck, she’d soon find out. “I’d like to stay with you for a while.” She indicated the spot where they stood. “How about here?”

James smiled, revealing strong white teeth in a face deeply tanned and rugged from his days outdoors. His sheer handsomeness stole her breath. Eirica felt a thrill go through her at the knowledge that this man wanted her. She watched him remove two blankets from his horse. One he spread on the ground, several feet from the river, the other he set aside. Holding out a hand, he waited for her.

Eirica joined him. Together, they sat on the grass-cushioned quilt beneath them. She sighed. It felt so good to sit, to be off her feet. James moved in front of her and took one of her feet in his hands. To her surprise, he removed her shoe.

“James, what are you do—? Ah, never mind.” Sheer ecstasy flowed through her as he took her swollen foot between his big, warm hands and rubbed. Eirica closed her eyes. Never, not once, had anyone done this to her, and it felt heavenly, absolutely sinful. She leaned back on her hands and let his fingers work their magic. When done with her left foot, he repeated the process on her right. She slid down to her elbows and sighed when he set her stockinged foot down on the blanket.

“Here, sit up, sweetheart.” His deep, soothing voice came from behind her.

Eirica sat with a protest. “That felt so good. I never imagined…”

“Anytime you want your feet rubbed, you just tell me.” He settled himself behind her, drew her back into the cradle of his hips, supporting her with his chest, his arms wrapped around her, resting his forearms on the shelf of her stomach, just below her breasts. Her head lolled back, finding a perfect hollow near his shoulder.

He spoke, his mouth so close to her ear that she felt the warmth of his breath. “I remember the evenings when my pa used to set my ma down in her rocker in front of the fire and take her shoes off. He’d rub her feet and tell her about his day. Sometimes, he told her stories—most were blarney and she’d laugh, but that time in the evening belonged to them. None of us, not even Jessie, dared to intrude.”

Eirica tipped her head back to glance at him. “You miss them still, don’t you?”

He smiled down at her. “Yeah, I do. It’s been a long time but I still remember all the love and laughter in our home. Once a week, we’d gather and sing, dance, play our fiddles or mouth organs, or just sit and take turns telling stories. Ma was one for family togetherness. She also insisted we learn to appreciate music.”

He hesitated, then took a deep breath. “My guitar belonged to her. She used to play on the porch and sing and I’d leave my window open so I could hear her.”

“That’s sweet, James. You play well.” She blushed, remembering the night he’d played, as if playing for her. Maybe he had been. The thought, so lovely and romantic, made her smile with pleasure and forget her hesitancy in speaking of her own family. “I wish I had the same good memories that you do. There wasn’t much love or laughter in our house.” She fell silent, not wanting the taint of her past to spoil the mood of the moment.

“Tell me about your family.”

Eirica shook her head. “Someday—maybe. Let’s just say my children will know the love and laughter you had. I made that promise after Birk drowned. But I don’t want to talk about the past. Not now.”

James tightened his arms around her. “All right. Close your eyes now and rest.”

He reached with one hand for the other blanket and covered her. Then to her surprise, he rested his cheek against her hair and sang a soft, sweet love ballad. Eirica gave herself over to her exhaustion. One thought ran through her mind before sleep claimed her. If she married James, she’d have love and laughter and someone who’d set her down in a rocker each evening, rub her aching feet and sing to her.

James watched Eirica sleep, content to just hold her and dream of their future. And as he did, for the first time in a long time, he thought of his parents, of their marriage. Suddenly all their shared looks, flushed cheeks and laughter took on new meaning. Only now did he realize just how happy his parents had been.

He’d grieved for them when they died, but now he knew that it had been best and they’d been happier dying together. They’d been that close, that in love, that he couldn’t imagine either one of them without the other. Somewhere along the way, he’d closed himself off to feeling that himself.

Raising his siblings had made him afraid to be open, afraid he’d forget his responsibilities if he relaxed. Consequently, he’d been hard on his brothers and overprotective of Jessie—all because he feared failing. In his attempt to be both mother and father, to keep the same rules and standards, he’d forgotten the laughter and joy of tossing some of those rules out of the window.

Another memory struck. Late one night, when he’d been sixteen, just months before the accident that had taken his parents’ lives, his ma had come to the room he shared with his brothers. She’d woken him and quietly urged him outside. Jessie had been there, too, in her bare feet. Together, Ma led them to the barn where their favorite dog, Meara, was having puppies.

They’d spent the long night with the dog, coaching her, stroking her and finally, just before dawn, she’d had her litter—four squirming, hungry pups. Jessie had immediately claimed the first-born, a brown-and-black female who looked like Meara. They’d taken the dog and puppies into the kitchen where his ma already had a nice fluffy bed waiting near the stove.

They were all still up, had been up most of the night when his pa and brothers awoke. James had been tired, had known he had a long day ahead of him, but his pa had surprised him by insisting that the three of them go to bed for a few hours. Jessie, unwilling to leave the puppies—her puppy, Jo-Jo—had brought her bedding to the kitchen floor to sleep.

Both Meara and Jo-Jo were now gone: Meara to old age, Jo-Jo to a fatal attack by a coyote, but by then, there’d been another litter of pups. Jessie had kept Sadie, also the first-born.

An hour passed, then two, with James alternating between half-forgotten memories and visions of the future. When he noticed the sun was lowering, he nudged Eirica awake. “Time to wake up, sweetheart. I think there’s going to be three hungry young’uns waiting for us.”

Eirica woke with a start. She’d have bolted upright, but James held her tight. “Shh, easy, we’re not in that much of a hurry. Look.” He pointed to the horizon where all that remained of the sun was a last burst of brilliant red color streaking toward them, shading the world in hues of bright orange to the deepest red. Behind them, to the east, the color faded to a golden yellow with a faint hint of blue-gray.