White Trash Beautiful (28 page)

“Yes, so you have time to make the meeting this afternoon.” I had met Jewels at the NA meetings.

“I don’t feel like going today.” I took a sip of the coffee, burning my tongue.

“No one
feels
like going, but we have to. It works if you work it,” she joked.

I rolled my eyes as I pulled open the freezer and grabbed an ice cube to drop in my coffee. “I’m not even an addict.”

“Oh, you’re addicted all right, and one of these days you’ll tell me his name.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” I walked by her to the bedroom so I could change my clothes.

“Darlin’, I don’t know much, but I know what a broken heart looks like.”

I ignored her as I ran a brush over my hair.

“Fine. Let’s skip the meeting then. Go do something fun.”

“Fun?” I poked my head out the door.

She smiled and took another drink of her coffee. “Sure. Why not? I have the perfect place.”

“Fine.” How bad could it be? I walked out of my room and grabbed my purse.

“That’s the spirit.” She laughed and held the front door open for me.

We walked to the front of the building and scanned the street.

“Hey! Over here!” Jewels yelled to the man across the road on his bike taxi.

He pedaled across the street toward us and stopped at the curb. “Where to?”

“McDonough’s.” She turned back to me, smiling.

I climbed onto the bench seat behind the rider and Jewels squeezed in beside me.

“So what’s at McDonough’s?”

“Therapy.” She smiled as we pulled out onto the street and made our way across town.

I was already regretting leaving the house, but I wasn’t sure jumping out of a bike taxi in the middle of a busy road was a wise option.

We pulled up outside the restaurant a few minutes later. Jewels paid for our ride as I stared up at the green canopy that lined the building.

“Looks pricey.”

She looped her arm in mine and pulled me through the door. “We aren’t here to eat.”

“What are we here for?”

“That.” She pointed across the room. I followed the direction of her finger to a woman on a small stage preparing to sing karaoke.

“You want me to sing? I can barely listen to a song without breaking down, and you want me to
sing
?”

“You don’t have to do it today. Just think about it.”

“This is stupid.”

“So is keeping everything bottled up inside you until one day you explode and go on some crazy murdering spree.”

My jaw fell open.

“What?” She looked at me as if I had gone crazy.

“I need a drink.”

“That’s the spirit!” She pulled me over to a corner booth and held up her hand to the waiter.

He came and she ordered us a round of beers. She told him to keep them coming until we were onstage singing or passed out.

I grabbed my bottle and drank until my lungs burned for air.

“Come on, Anne. It’s not that scary. No one here even knows who you are. If you make a fool out of yourself, you never have to see them again.”

She was right about no one knowing who I was. I was still getting used to turning around when I heard the name Anne.

“So what was his name?”

“I can’t.”

“All right. Pick a song.”

I took another drink from my beer and held up the bottle for the waiter. He nodded and quickly replaced my empty bottle with a full one.

“Thanks.” I picked at the label, thinking of the time I sat across from Tucker in a booth.

“Fine. I’ll go first.” She cleared her throat. “Jason and I met two years ago. He was incredibly sexy. He was a tattoo artist, so of course he was covered in them.” My eyes flicked to hers and she continued. “He was big into going out and barhopping all night long. I could barely keep up and get to work on time. We started doing coke, just to keep up with the crazy lifestyle.”

I took a drink from my beer as the music from the karaoke singer faded into the background. “So what happened?”

“I caught him in the bathroom fucking my best friend. He was so high he actually smiled when he saw me.”

“Jesus.”

“Yeah.” She took a drink of her beer. “But that’s not the worst of it. I was so fucked-up I couldn’t think straight. I went for the one thing I knew he loved. His truck. I smashed the windows and flattened the tires. The whole bit. I was like a bad country song.”

“Did you get in trouble?”

“I spent three weeks in jail and will probably be working to pay off the damage for the truck for the rest of my damn life.” She laughed. “But I’m clean and sober, so there is that.” She took another drink of her beer. “Well, not quite sober.”

Another singer took the stage and began to sing an eighties love balled.

“His name was Tucker.”

Jewels sat back in her seat. “What happened?”

“Jax happened.” The lump began to form in my throat again.

Jewels quickly sat forward, placing her hand on mine. “Let’s save it for another day. I think we did good today, Anne. You’ve already sat through three
horrible
singers and not run off.” She smiled.

“It’s Cass. My name is Cass.”

“You know, from my experience, when you try to hide from your demons, they find you anyway.”

“Well, my demon is dead. He can’t hurt me anymore.” I set my bottle down on the table and stood up. “Let’s go sing a damn song before I change my mind.”

We kept it safe and stayed away from any bleeding-heart songs about love and, for Jewels’s sake, country songs about getting revenge.

We decided on a drunken rendition of “Let’s Talk About Sex.” Unfortunately, halfway through I realized that on a good day I had no clue what the lyrics were. It didn’t matter. The patrons cheered
us on and sang along as we swayed to the beat and belted out the tune to the best of our ability.

For once I didn’t run and do what was easier, and I actually enjoyed myself.

We stayed for a few more hours until the rowdy late-night crowd began to flow in from the streets.

“That was fun.”

“Wait until next time, when I make you incorporate an interpretive dance into our routine.” She laughed.

It felt good to laugh and joke our way through our fears and our secrets. Maybe what I’d needed all along was just someone to share my time with. I could definitely see living on my own getting a little bit easier.

We walked down the crowded street, weaving through the hordes of people back toward my apartment.

“Jewels, have you ever thought you wouldn’t be able to get through it all?”

“Every day, but there is always a tomorrow. Karaoke starts at noon.”

I
HADN’T BEEN BACK
to a meeting since I started karaoke therapy with Jewels. She didn’t press me for details of what had happened to me but listened when I felt the need to confide something. It was nice to have a friend in my life that I could count on. The only other people I had were Aggie and Larry, and without a car I could hardly ever see them. Not that I wanted to set foot near the trailer park. It was too painful. Larry told me they’d removed my trailer and none had been put back in its spot. That seemed fitting. As if a tornado had swooped in and removed that chapter of my life. I was glad I would never have to look at it again. It has been over two months since I left Tucker behind and started life on my own. I worked as much as possible to keep from getting lonely and having too much time to think. I’d saved up enough to buy myself a small television and actually have cable.

I saw last week on an entertainment gossip show that Tucker’s band would be playing live at an awards show and they had signed with a major record label. I was so proud of him. It still hurt, but I’d done the right thing for him. His career was important to him.

The show also spoke of his being linked to an up-and-coming actress. He was quoted as saying, “I am very much in love.”
He wouldn’t divulge any more details on the matter. I was happy for him and told myself that the tears that fell down my cheeks were from joy, not for what I had given up.

I was glad the band was able to stay together after all we’d put them through. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I’d destroyed all of their dreams. I am still not able to listen to their music, but I know it is only a matter of time before I am able to hear him without thinking of our past. He is Tucker, the rock star, now, not my Tucker, and I need to get used to that.

I slipped on a white sundress with purple flowers that was identical to the one Tucker had bought me that Jax had destroyed. I pulled my heart locket up to my lips and kissed it before slipping on my sandals.

The air was cool as winter began to creep in. I made my way to the City Market to grab a coffee before my shift started at Scarlett’s. Horse-drawn carriages lined the streets, preparing for their next tours. I rubbed a horse on the nose as I walked by them on my way to Vinnie Van Go-Go’s. I loved to sit at one of their bistro tables and remember my time with Tucker. Yeah, I was doing a great job of moving on, I thought with a sigh.

“I hear this place is amazing.” Tucker’s voice sent a chill over my body as I turned to see if he was really there. The imaginary world I had built for myself without him crumbled around me instantly.

“Sometimes we don’t know what we’re missing until we find it.” I echoed his words from our last visit here. I stood on shaky legs just feet from him. The pain of seeing him nearly doubled me over. God, how I’d missed him.

“I knew what I was missing the moment I lost you.” His voice shook as he took a step closer to me. “I thought you went out to find us a place so we could start our new life together. I waited for hours. When I found your phone, I knew you had left me for good.”

“I’m sorry, Tucker.”

“Jesus, Cass. Do you know what I went through? I went back to
that fucking hellhole looking for you. I went back to that trailer.” He swallowed hard, trying not to break down.

“I didn’t think you would look for me.”

“You didn’t think I would
look
for you? I spent all night outside of the diner waiting for you to show up. I had no idea where else you would go. Chris and Terry had to physically remove me. I
never
stopped looking for you.”

My hand subconsciously covered my heart, trying to shield it from the pain.

“Why did you do it, Cass? Why did you leave me like that?”

“I was ruining your life. You had a dream and you were going to give it up for me. I couldn’t let you do that. I had hurt you enough already.” My voice began to shake.

“Hurt me? You nearly killed me when you took off. I was so worried.”

“You have nothing to worry about. Jax is long gone.”

“If I know you at all, you have been killing yourself with the guilt of everything that had happened.”

“How did your find me?” I asked, as I’d known this moment would eventually come.

Tucker smiled. “Larry is very loyal to you. I’ve been calling him every day for the last six weeks. He convinced me you had moved to Ohio with some aunt. I searched the state, but you were nowhere. As soon as I had some downtime, I flew in and demanded the truth. I guess he liked that I was fighting for you. He finally admitted that you were living in the city under your mother’s name.”

I had talked to Larry at least once a week since I had left, and he had never mentioned to me that Tucker had contacted him.

“Tucker, I—”

He put his finger to my lips to stop me from talking. “The only thing I ever wanted out of my life was someone to share it with.” His blue eyes searched mine.

“I’ve heard you found that.” I shrugged and looked down at my toes.
This is what you wanted for him,
I reminded myself.

He took his fingers and tilted my chin up again gently. “Yes, Cass, I am very much in love.”

My heart twisted in my chest. I deserved to hear his words. I deserved whatever he wanted to put me through. I’d left like a coward. I could at least have stayed and explained to him he would be better off, but instead, I ran away.

“I’m happy for you.” My voice cracked as I blinked back my tears.

He smiled and ran the pad of his thumb along my jaw. “I love
you
, Cass, or Anne, who whoever the hell you want to be. I have never ever wanted anyone else. I told you—money, fame, fans . . . none of it really means anything. It doesn’t make you happy. If you don’t have someone to share that stuff with, you will still be lonely. I’m lonely without you, Cass. I need you in my life.”

“I love you, too,” I admitted on a shaky sob.

His arms flew around me and he lifted me off the ground as he squeezed me so hard I could barely breathe. “It won’t always be rainbows and butterflies, but I promise you I will do everything in my power to make you happy, Cass. Just don’t ever leave me again. Promise me,” he whispered in my ear.

“I promise.”