Whiter Shades of Pale (29 page)

When it comes to outdoor games, the most popular one remains kickball. In fact, you might have noticed groups of white people at the park playing this game in loosely organized leagues. Though kickball is certainly the most popular, if you were to suggest a game of Capture the Flag, Red Rover, British Bulldog, Tag, or even Hide and Go Seek, your popularity with white people would skyrocket. In addition, you would likely become a legend in your office.

White people are so happy to be outside reliving their childhood that they will all be in a good mood before the game even begins. But if you want to take it to the next level, you should have a friend show up and say to one of the white people, “Excuse me, what are you people doing?” The white person will tell them what game they are playing and promptly issue an invitation. To which your friend should say, “I’m sorry, I’m an adult. You people are crazy.” It will make the white person feel great and give them a story to tell for years to come.

If you do not know enough white people for a large outdoor game or do not have access to adequate space, you are not out of luck. White people are also quite fond of indoor activities, especially ones that can be easily combined with alcohol. Therefore it is a rock-solid guarantee that you will gain white friends if you suggest a social gathering where people drink and play old board games like Candy Land, The Game of Life, or Mouse Trap. Just the suggestion of an event like this will get them more excited than word of a new Trader Joe’s opening.

It’s a good idea to space these events out lest you become “that weird guy who always wants to play Fireball Island.”

If you have any experience making plans with white people, you already know they are very serious about being on time. In fact, they are so serious about it that they often show up early. If you tell a white person to meet you at 7
P.M
., they will be there at 6:55
P.M
.

If you have ever shown up late for an appointment with a white person, you likely believe that they are very understanding and laid-back people when it comes to punctuality. Nothing could be further from the truth.

On average, white people will complain about your rudeness once every thirty seconds beyond the agreed-upon meeting time. If they are alone they will complain to other friends via email or text message; if they are with another white person they will talk back and forth about how rude you are for wasting their time. When you finally arrive,
they will act as though nothing is wrong, and no matter how late you show up, they will still pretend everything is fine!

This ability to pretend everything is fine even though they are filled with anger and hate is one of the most important skills for survival in a white family. You learn at a young age that disagreement and confrontation will lead to fights and, worse, elimination from the will.

“You’re right, Grandpa, immigrants
are
destroying this country. How many square feet is this place again?”

If you want to reduce some of the built-up aggression, just tell the white person, “I’m sorry about being late. I’m on [insert ethnicity] time.” This will make white people feel as though they have been let in on an ethnic joke, like when they watch a Chris Rock comedy special.

When you see a long line of nonwhite people waiting for food, it is often the sign of a tragic event: communism, food shortages, or mismanagement by a dictator. When you see a line of white people waiting for food, it is the sign of a good bakery or concept restaurant.

Though you view waiting in line for food to be emblematic of all that is wrong with the world, white people see it as a small price to pay for a top-notch cupcake.

After years of waiting in lines for bakeries, concept restaurants, and ethnic restaurants with online buzz, white people have simply become accustomed to waiting in line. So much so that if they see a line near their intended destination they will simply move to the back and begin waiting. Additionally, white people will get in the line without asking anyone if they are in the right line. To ask if they’re in the correct line would possibly give them away as someone who doesn’t know what they are doing, or worse, as a first-time customer.

If you have a friend with a restaurant and you’d like to see his new
business succeed, simply follow this plan. The first step is to get a few friends to wait in line in front of the restaurant. Ideally these would be white friends, but Asian friends are also acceptable. (For some reason Asians are also willing to wait ungodly amounts of time for food. Also, white people find a line of Asian people to be comforting.) Once you have assembled this line, simply wait for about thirty minutes. Any white person that walks by will instinctively just fall in line and wait for their turn to eat.

Of course, after they have waited in line for an hour, any food consumed will taste as though it’s the finest meal they’ve ever eaten. So their reviews will be considerably higher than if they had just walked in off the street.

But before you start joining white people in line for just about anything, you should understand that there are a lot of rules. The first is that white people take extreme pleasure in watching someone attempt to cut to the front of the line only to be rebuffed and sent to the back. This will make their entire day. On the flip side of that, watching someone successfully cut the line can lead to the closest approximation of a white person riot. Which is defined as fifteen people mumbling to each other and one particularly bold white person saying something sarcastic like “Yeah, that’s right, we’re just waiting in line for fun.”

Happy expression comes from spending forty hours a week on exercise, therapy, and natural medicine procedures. Also from spending zero hours a week working.

Entire outfit is simple, basic yoga wear. Retail value: $1,800.

Fear of Western medicine leaves the Vancouver white person vulnerable to tetanus and lockjaw.

When someone goes through a stressful experience they usually require some time off to clear their head, regain focus, and recover from the pain and suffering. Of course, in white culture these experiences are most often defined as finishing high school, making it through three years of college, or working for eleven months straight with only two weeks’ vacation and every statutory holiday (“They don’t count because I had to spend them with family”).