Whiter Shades of Pale (3 page)

Second, white people fear the death of the print media because deep down all white people want to believe that it’s possible to make a living as a freelance writer. Of course, this is perhaps the biggest lie in white culture, pushing out such favorites as “I’m going to write a novel” and “I’ll be fine for retirement if I start saving when I’m forty.”

Of course, when you ask the white person if they actually subscribe to a daily newspaper, they will say that they get the Sunday
New York Times
. Which is a bit like saying you sponsor a child in Africa but only give enough money for him to eat on Sunday.

Perpetually angry.

Coat is the only remnant of life before moving to New York three years ago.

iPhone with parents’ number on speed dial.

Keys to $3,500-per month apartment.
Keys to office for $1,200-per-month job.

Throughout most of the world, when a person works long hours without pay, it is referred to as “slavery” or “forced labor.” For white people this process is referred to as an internship and is considered to be an essential stage in white development.

The concept of working for little or no money under a mentor has been around for centuries in the form of apprenticeship programs. Young people eager to learn a trade would spend time working under a master craftsman to learn a skill that would eventually lead to an increase in the intern’s own material wealth.

Using this logic you would assume that the most sought-after internships would be in areas that lead to the greatest financial reward. Young white people, however, prefer internships that put them on the path for careers that will generally result in a
decrease
of material wealth (at least when compared to the wealth accumulated by their parents).

For example, if you present a white nineteen-year-old with the choice of spending the summer earning $15 an hour as a plumber’s apprentice or making $0 answering phones at Acme Production Company, they will always choose the latter. In fact, the only way to get the white person to choose the plumbing option would be to convince them that it was leading toward an end-of-summer pipe art installation.

White people view the unpaid internship as their foot in the door to such high-profile low-paying career fields as journalism, film, politics, art, nonprofits, and anything associated with a museum. Any white person who takes an internship outside these industries is either the wrong type of white person or a law student. There are no exceptions.

If all goes according to plan, an internship will end with an offer of a job that pays $24,000 per year and consists entirely of the same tasks they were recently doing for free. In fact, the transition to full-time status results in the addition of only one new responsibility: feeling superior to the new interns.

When all is said and done, the internship process serves the white community in many ways. First, it helps train the next generation of freelance writers, museum curators, and director’s assistants. But second, and more important, internships teach white children how to complain about being poor.

So when a white person tells you about their unpaid internship at
The New Yorker
, it’s not a good idea to point out how the cost of rent and food will essentially mean that they are
paying
for the right to make photocopies. Instead it’s best to say, “You earned it.” They will not get the joke.

When a white person sees something that is commonly available, they are often on the lookout for a way to make it seem slightly different. This allows them to stand out from the crowd, but not so much so that they might alienate other white people. Common examples include ironic facial hair, a Mac laptop with stickers on it, or an ethnic spouse or child. The ability to be just different enough is considered very attractive to white people, and over the past century nothing has attracted more white people than an accent.

Before delving into the reasons behind the popularity of accents, it’s important to understand the system white people apply in determining
whether an accent is sexy. For the most part, accents are only considered arousing if they come as a surprise. For example, if a white person encounters a Chinese person with a Chinese accent, that will not be considered particularly impressive. But if they encounter a Chinese person with a Swedish or Australian accent, that person will immediately become a crush object. For further evidence, ask any white person for their opinion on a successful black actor with a British accent.

When it comes to white people with accents, these same rules apply. There are few things more enjoyable to white people than meeting someone who appears to be exactly like them in every way except for their possession of an accent and a foreign passport. The latter is especially important, as it fuels every white person’s dream of dual citizenship, preferably between the United States and a European Union country. (In a pinch, Australia or Canada can be substituted for the U.S., but not for Europe.) Within minutes of meeting this foreign individual, most white people will have at least one fantasy involving a scenario where they can say, “Well, we have dual citizenship, so we’re thinking about raising the children in Europe.”

Of course, all of this presupposes that the person with the accent is of the opposite sex. An accented individual of the same sex may be considered a mortal enemy by most white people due to their unfair advantage in the white dating scene. Much like the competition for private schools, universities, and unpaid internships, the battle for acceptable spouses in the world of white people is cutthroat. And in the social-sexual rankings of white people, the right accent can compensate for a graduate degree, up to $40,000 a year in income, and bad teeth.

In the event that you find yourself competing with an accented person for a potential mate, it’s best advised that you give up immediately or contact
your local immigration enforcement office. These are your only options.

The vocabulary of white people is constantly evolving. From actually saying Internet shorthand (OMG!) to trying to incorporate terms they read in
Wired
magazine, white people are always adding to their personal dictionaries. But these are both fairly recent developments. The one area that white people are always looking to co-opt is slang. Of course, nothing will ever top white people’s love for African-American slang, but that’s not to say they are afraid to borrow from other areas. In recent years, no area of slang has seen a larger spike in growth than British.