Who I Am (20 page)

“Oh, Jenny,” I groaned, wondering where this conversation could possibly be headed.

“Anyway, I assumed the reason he wasn't pushing me was because I'd made it crystal clear we were not going to go there. In fact, I'm sure that's why our relationship lasted so long. The only reason I broke up with him was because I thought he was getting more serious than I wanted to be.”

I sighed deeply, suddenly feeling way over my head. “But why are you telling me this, Jen?”

“Well, after I got home last night, I was worried that this whole thing might be my fault. You know, if I hadn't broken up with him everything would be fine. But it seems too late to fix that. And I got to thinking how Trent was interested in you before and–”

“What are you suggesting?”

“Well, I thought maybe you could seem interested in him–you know, to encourage him that he…”

“Isn't gay?”

She nodded sheepishly. “I know, it sounds kind of stupid now that I'm actually saying it out loud.”

“Stupid? It sounds insane.” I slowly shook my head in disbelief. “Do you honestly think it would make any difference?”

“I don't know. I just feel so bad, and well, sort of responsible.”

I reached over and patted her arm. “I know it must be hard, but it's not your fault. And you've got to know that I can't do that, Jenny. First of all, it would be dishonest. But besides that, Trent's a smart guy; he'd see right through me–he knows I don't date. Then he
might be hurt even more.”

“Yeah. I can see that now. But I feel like I've got to do something.”

“Can't you just be a friend to him?”

“I suggested that, but he got mad.”

I thought for a moment. “Well, maybe I can be a friend to him.”

“Would you, Caitlin? I'd appreciate it so much.”

“I can try. But it's really up to Trent. And to be honest, I really don't know a whole lot about homosexuality. I mean, in psychology we learned that people are born that way. But I also know that the Bible says it's wrong. I've never really given it much thought, but it seems kind of confusing.”

“Yeah, I don't really know what to think either. I mean I really like Trent a lot. He's such a cool guy. And I don't think I would think any less of him if he really was gay. But to be honest, I hope he's not.”

“I wonder what makes him think he's gay?”

“Yeah, me too. I mean, here we are going out together and he's not acting gay. Then I break up and he says that. I mean, to be perfectly honest, it doesn't make me look too good.” Jenny laughed nervously.

I smiled. “So is that what worries you?”

“No, silly. But how would you feel?”

I shrugged. “See, these are some of the problems I avoid by not dating.”

“Please, Caitlin, don't start getting smug with me. I'm already having a bad day. I don't need any sermons right now.”

“Okay, I'll control myself.” Then I noticed the clock on the wall and suggested we'd better get back.

At lunchtime I looked for Trent and finally spotted him sitting off by himself at a corner table. I went over and asked if I could join him.

“Is this a mission of mercy?” he asked dryly.

“Maybe.” I sat down. “I heard Jen broke up with you and thought maybe you could use a friend.”

He eyed me curiously. “How much did she tell you?”

I took a bite of my salad and avoided his gaze, wondering how to answer.

“Oh, man!” he said as he shoved his tray aside. “I'll bet the whole school knows.”

“Trent,” I said quietly. “Just chill. The only reason Jenny told me is because she really likes you and cares about you. She's really upset and feels kind of responsible.”

He laughed sarcastically. “Yeah, she probably thinks she broke my heart and sent me running to the other side. Yeah, you bet!”

Now I studied him carefully. “Well, then maybe you need to do some explaining, Trent. I mean, here you two were going out–you were a couple–and now… Well, think about it, it's kind of shocking.”

“It's nobody's business.” His voice was hard.

“Maybe not. But when you told Jenny, you involved her; you made it her business.”

“Yeah, and she told you and now it's your business. And then you probably told Beanie and it's her business and she told–”

“I didn't tell anyone. Come on, Trent, you can trust me.”

He looked at me and sighed. “Yeah, maybe I can. But still, my sexuality is none of your business.”

“I agree, totally. And the only reason I came over was because I thought you could use a friend.”

His face softened just slightly. “Yeah, I suppose it could be lonely to come out of the closet in a place like this.”

I tried to ignore that. “And we used to be pretty good friends, last fall, do you remember?”

He nodded. “Yeah, I even thought I had a crush on you for a while.”

I smiled. “And to be honest, I had just a little bit of a crush on you too.”

He rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I bet you're just saying that–hoping you can dissuade me from the boys.”

“Oh, Trent!” I made a face. “Honestly! Don't you remember that night when I told you all about my non-dating thing? The only reason I told you was because I was afraid I might compromise it for you.”

“Really?” His eyes brightened just a little.

“And then it wasn't long before you and Jen got together. At first I was even a little jealous, but then I was okay.”

Then he grew quiet and I paused to munch on my turkey sandwich for a bit, praying silently as I ate that I would come up with something helpful to say, something that might really make a difference, but my mind was pretty much blank. Finally I pushed my tray away and
said what I felt. “You know, Trent, I just don't get it.”

“What do you mean?”

“You know. How can you know you're gay?”

He shrugged. “I can't really explain it.”

“But didn't you uh–have–feelings for Jenny?”

“I guess so, maybe.”

“Then what in the world would make you think you're gay all of a sudden?”

That's when his face turned totally hard, and I sensed our conversation was about to end. “Look, Caitlin, I appreciate your friendship. But this isn't psychology class, you know. And I really don't need you trying to fix me with all your Christianity crud either. My sexuality is a private issue and I'd prefer to keep it that way.”

“I'm sorry.” I forced a stiff smile. “Can we still be friends?” I asked meekly.

His stony face broke (just a little). “Okay, but just don't push it.”

“All right. But can I ask you one more question, Trent?”

His eyes narrowed. “Can I really stop you?”

I didn't flinch. “Not without making a scene.”

He sighed. “Go ahead then.”

“Do you have someone you can talk to about this stuff?”

Now he laughed–only it was a really harsh laugh. “Oh yeah, sure.”

“I mean someone good, someone you can trust?”

“Just who can you trust, Caitlin? Your Jesus?” He stood
now. “You think your Jesus can fix everything? You think He can even fix me?”

Before I could answer he walked away, and I felt like I'd been slapped. But somehow (after the sting went away) I realized that Trent hadn't really meant to hurt me (at least I don't think he did). And I prayed for him off and on throughout the day. I didn't tell Jenny much about our conversation but encouraged her to keep praying for him. I told her that I think he's really hurting inside, deeply, and although I don't really know why, I think he's trying to deal with it Or maybe God is. But somehow I think things are going to be changing for him.

With all this still on my mind, I went to midweek church tonight and afterward I talked with Tony, and (under the confidentiality code of the pulpit) I told him about Trent and how worried I was for him. I think in light of what happened with Jewel I might be a little overly sensitive, but something about Trent's hopelessness sent a chill down my spine today. And I would feel so horrible if he tried something like what Jewel did–and what if he succeeded?

Anyway Tony told me I was right to be concerned and that he'd be glad to talk to Trent anytime. He also said that suicide is the third cause of death among teens (news to me!) and something he always took very seriously. But then he told me something that really blew my mind.

“I think I might know what Trent is struggling with, Caitlin.” He spoke quietly, and I could tell this wasn't something he wanted to announce to the whole congregation,
although by then there were only a few stragglers left. “Steph knows all about this, and I tell people when I feel it's appropriate, but I had some similar problems when I was a kid.”

“You mean you thought you were gay?” I said quietly.

“Well, let's just say someone tried to plant that idea in my head.”

“Really?”

He nodded. “I was only in junior high at the time, and it was someone I really respected, too. Plus that was the era when everyone was coming out of the closet, and people were starting to act like it was cool to be gay.”

“So what happened?”

“Well, I finally went to my pastor in desperation. I told him what was going on. And fortunately for me, he was a good man, and not only did he graciously straighten me out on a few things, but he took that other person to task as well. Still, the whole thing was pretty hard on me. And if not for God and my pastor, I honestly don't know where I'd be today.”

“Man, Tony, I can't believe you just told me all that. Thanks.”

He smiled. “Like I said, it's not something I tell everyone. But because of your friendship with Trent, I felt I should. And anyway, I've been amazed at how many times God has used that whole episode to help someone else. I can honestly say I'm thankful for having gone through it. You know, God really is the Blessed Redeemer, Caitlin.”

“Yeah, I'm seeing that more and more.”

“If you're comfortable telling Trent that I'd like to talk to him, I wouldn't mind a bit if you share some of my story with him–especially if it would encourage him to come for counsel.”

“Thanks, Tony. It might help. I mean, he seems pretty skeptical about God and church right now. You now he considers himself an atheist. But at the same time, he seems pretty hopeless too. I think he could use a really good counselor.”

Tony handed me his business card. “Tell him to call me anytime. And if it'll make him feel better, Steph is always more than willing to attend the counseling sessions.”

“Steph?”

“Well, in this situation it can be helpful to have a woman around.”

“Oh.” I nodded. “Okay.”

And so tomorrow, I hope to give Tony's card to Trent. I mean, what can it hurt? In the meantime I'll be praying.

Well, I gave Trent
Tony's card yesterday and he acted like “Forget it.” But I tried not to seem offended and just encouraged him to give it a try. And although I'm not sure he was listening, I did tell him a little about Tony. But mostly Trent acted like he couldn't care less. And he seemed even more depressed than the day before. But today he told me that he'd called and made an appointment for tomorrow morning. I tried to act cool (not get all excited) and told him I didn't think he'd be sorry. So now I'm just really praying that Tony will get through to him. Not so much about the gay thing–because honestly I'm not sure what's up with that–but that Tony gets through to him about God. If anyone can reach Trent, I'd put my money on Tony.

Last night, Chloe and I went to see Jewel again. And to our amazement, she said “hi” and a couple of other words that her therapist must've taught her this week.
Mrs. Garcia was there when we arrived, and she just looked so totally worn out. I know this whole ordeal must be really hard on her. She told me that she had to pick up her boys from the baby-sitter and take them over to her mom's since she had to work the night shift to make extra money since they don't have any insurance. And it was all I could do not to just spill the beans about our cultural fair and how half the proceeds would be going to her family. (We voted to keep it quiet until after the fair, when we could hand them the check–just in case anything goes wrong.) So I told her that we're all still praying for her and Jewel and wanted to do anything we could to help out.

“Just knowing you kids are coming over here like this to visit my baby is the best help I can get right now.” She turned and looked back at her daughter, rolling one of Jewel's dark curls around her finger. “She said ‘Mama’ today.” And I could see her eyes getting wet.

“I'm praying that she'll get completely well,” I told her, trying to appear more confident than I actually felt just then. Somehow seeing Jewel in the hospital like that sort of saps my faith.

“Me too,” she said as she clutched her shiny red purse to her. “And I know the good Lord has my baby in His hands.”

“So you're a Christian?” I don't know why this surprised me. Maybe because Jewel had been such a wild child before all this happened (but then I should know better than to judge parents by their kids or vice versa).

“Oh yes, I don't know if I could've survived what life's dished out if not for my Lord and Savior. But it's true I haven't been to church in years. I usually have to work on Sundays. But I've never stopped believing–and I stop and light a candle for her whenever I can. Then I sit here by Jewel and read from the Good Book every single day.”

So go figure. Jewel's mom's a believer. For some reason that encouraged me a lot. And later, when I sat down to talk with Jewel I even mentioned this. And it might've been my imagination, but I think I saw her eyes light up when I said the name of Jesus. And I really think some-thing's going on inside her right now.

But what was really incredible was how Chloe actually spoke to Jewel last night. First she asked her how she was doing and then told her what the weather was like outside, and then to my total amazement, Chloe sang her a song. And Chloe has an absolutely beautiful voice. Kind of low and throaty–not like you'd expect from a fourteen-year-old girl. And Jewel really seemed to like it. I could see her fingers tapping on the blanket, like she was trying to keep time, although she was just a little off beat.