Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (47 page)

Family and friends of an abused woman sometimes ask me how they can get her to realize that her partner is an abuser. They complain: “She always makes excuses for him. She has these ideas about how to make him get better, like by helping him find a less stressful job, that obviously aren’t going to work. And she blames herself, saying that she’s the one who sets him off a lot of times. She’s in a lot of denial.”

She may actually be more aware of the abuse than she is willing to say. Her shame, and her fear that other people will pressure or criticize her, may make her pretend she doesn’t see. If she has been with her partner for a long time, or if he is especially scary or crazy-making, she may be experiencing traumatic bonding (see Chapter 9). Or she may believe that her partner is right—that her behavior really is the root of their difficulties, not his. In any event, you will not be able to “make her” see her partner’s abusiveness any more than she can “make him” see it. I wish I could say otherwise, because I know how difficult it is for an abused woman’s loved ones to accept the limits on what they can do.

Here are a few steps you
can
take, however:

• Tell her that you don’t like the way she is being treated and that you don’t think she deserves it.
  
• Tell her you love her and that you think she is a good person.
  
• Ask her to read this book. You also might hand her one of the other books listed under “Resources” in the back of this one.
  
• Ask her if she would be willing to make plans with you for ways to respond to specific situations of abuse as they arise. See, for example, if she would agree to call you the next time her partner starts to yell at her. Offer to pay for her to spend the night at a hotel the next time he gets scary. Ask whether she could make an excuse to come and visit you on her own for a week over the summer, so that she might get a chance to clear her head a bit. You may think of other alternatives of your own.
  
• If you ever think she is in danger at a particular moment—if, for example, she calls you in the midst of violence or threats—call the police in her area and tell them what is happening.
  
• Call her or write her often, even if she never seems to return calls, unless she asks you not to (which would indicate that he punishes her for being in contact with people).
  
• Treat her consistently well. She’ll feel the difference between what you do and what he does.
  
• Encourage her to call a program for abused women “just to talk.” She does not need to give them her name or her telephone number, and she doesn’t even have to believe that she is being abused. She can call for support and reality checks and just to describe her struggles in her relationship. The first call to a women’s program sometimes breaks the ice so that it gets easier for her to reach out for help again.
  

You may wonder why I stated earlier that abuse is a solvable problem, yet now I am saying that you sometimes will have to watch and wait. To say that we can end abuse in our communities does not mean that we can rescue each individual abused woman right this minute. To help your friend or relative achieve an abuse-free life may take some time. To achieve an abuse-free society will take a lot of effort on many levels, as we will see.

Finally, do yourself one great favor: Read
To Be an Anchor in the Storm,
a wonderful book that has been written precisely for the loved ones of abused women (see “Resources”) and is filled with wisdom from cover to cover.

R
EACHING THE
A
BUSER

If I were asked to select one salient characteristic of my abusive clients, an aspect of their nature that stands out above all the others, I would choose this one: They feel profoundly justified. Every effort to reach an abuser must be based on the antidote to this attitude:
Abuse is wrong; you are responsible for your own actions; no excuse is acceptable; the damage you are doing is incalculable; your problem is yours alone to solve.

Who has the opportunity to have an impact on an abuser’s thinking, and what can they do?

F
RIENDS AND
F
AMILY

You are the front line. You have a better chance of turning around an abuser’s attitude than everyone else—the abused woman, a therapist, an abuser program, the courts—put together. You are the hardest ones to discredit. He dismisses the others on the list with a wave of his hand, because they are “crazy” or “liars” or “hysterical” or “anti-male.” But when his loved ones criticize him, he is likely to experience some uncertainty for the first time.

Here are some guidelines to follow:

1. When someone you care about is accused of abuse, don’t tell yourself that it can’t possibly be true. Unfortunately, when an abuser complains to his relatives in an outraged voice, “My partner accuses me of being
   abusive,
   ” they generally jump blindly to his side. They shake their head in disgust and outrage, and respond: “How could she
   say
   that about you? What a bitch!” Nobody asks any questions.
   Instead of falling prey to this knee-jerk reaction, begin by finding out all you can. What exactly does he do that she finds abusive? How does she say she is affected by him? What does she want him to do differently? He will respond to these questions by making her sound ridiculous. He may say, for example, “She says that if I’m ever grouchy or in a bad mood, that’s abuse. Every time she doesn’t get her way, she labels me an abuser.” Keep pressing him about what her perspective is. Ask him to give examples of specific interactions. Refuse to jump on his bandwagon. Show him that you are reserving judgment.
   Next, have a private conversation with his partner. Tell her that he has revealed that she feels abused and that you would like to know what her concerns are. She may tell you very little, depending on how much she feels she can trust you. But if she does open up, you are likely to find that she doesn’t come out sounding like a crazy bully the way he would like you to believe her to be. When a woman complains of abuse, the great majority of the time she has valid and important complaints about how her partner is treating her.
   
2. Don’t repeat to him confidences she has shared with you unless she gives you clear permission. You may be persuaded that he isn’t the type to retaliate, but she knows better. Ask her which issues or events are safe for you to bring up with him and which ones are not. To the extent that she gives you the go-ahead, press him to think carefully about her complaints and to make the improvements in his behavior that she is requesting.
   
3. Don’t ignore events you witness directly. It is awkward to address a loved one’s conduct toward his partner, but silence implies acceptance. Talk to each of them separately, raising your concerns about his behavior.
   
4. Follow up, especially with her. Find a moment to ask her privately whether or not the problem is persistent, and what kind of help she could use.
   

I understand and value the loyalty of family members to each other. There is a natural temptation to speak out forcefully against abuse until the man whose behavior is under the microscope is one of our own, and then we switch sides. But we can’t have it both ways. Abuse won’t stop until people stop making exceptions for their own brothers and sons and friends.

Supporting a woman against a man’s abusiveness does not necessarily mean taking her side in every conflict in their relationship. They may have huge issues between them that are a tangled mess—collisions about finances or child rearing or choices of friends—in addition to the abuse. When you challenge a loved one about mistreating his partner, he will say: “You are siding with her; she’s turned you against me.” Respond to these distortions by saying: “I am not against
you
; I am against your hurtful behavior. I’m not saying that she’s right about every issue between you. What I am saying is that you won’t be able to work out any of those other differences unless you first deal with your abuse problem. As long as you keep bullying her,
you
are the number-one problem.”

Nothing would work faster to end the abuse of women than having the friends and family of abusive men stop enabling them. And that begins, in turn, with making sure that you listen carefully and respectfully to her side of the story—something the abusive man never does.

T
HERAPISTS
, C
LERGYPEOPLE, AND
O
THER
C
OUNSELORS

While an abused woman may sometimes approach a counselor and describe her struggle straightforwardly, an abuser speaks in terms that are less direct. He seeks help not because he senses that he is abusive but because he is tired of the tension in his home or is afraid that his relationship is going to split up. He will not typically volunteer the fact that he swears, tears his partner down, or frightens her. If he is physically violent, he will almost certainly make no spontaneous mention of that fact. However, he may give various hints. Some common ones include:

None of these statements is proof of abuse in itself, but each one is adequate cause for serious concern and should be treated as an indication that the counselor needs to ask many questions about the man’s behavior and his partner’s perspective.

I recommend that counselors use tremendous caution in accepting a man’s claim that he has been falsely accused of abuse or that he is the victim of a violent or controlling woman. You could easily become an unwitting source of support and justification for his psychological—or physical—assaults on his partner. Remain neutral until you have learned a great deal about his circumstances and attitudes.

When you are concerned that a man might have an abuse problem, ask him to talk in detail about his partner’s perspective and feelings about various aspects of her life, including her view of conflicts with him. The abuser will typically have difficulty looking through her eyes with sympathy and detail,
especially
with respect to her grievances against him. The more he ridicules and trivializes her point of view, the greater reason you have to believe that the problem lies with him. At the same time, if you keep asking what
she
would say, you will find that you often get critical clues to what his behavior and attitude problems are.

Whether or not you suspect abuse, it is always valuable to provide some basic education to any male about partner abuse. Give some examples of abusive behaviors, describe their destructive impact on women and children, and explain that a man is entirely responsible for his own actions. If you hear him use other people’s behavior as an excuse for his own or if he blames stress or alcohol, point out that he is rationalizing his mistreatment of his partner. If he admits to abuse at any point, encourage him to contact an abuser program.

P
OLICE
, P
ROSECUTORS
, J
UDGES, AND
P
ROBATION
O
FFICERS

Various guidelines for law enforcement personnel are included in Chapter 12. I will review just three critical points here: (1) Abusers need to suffer consequences for their actions now, not just receive warnings of future sanctions, which have little impact on abusers. (2) He can’t overcome his abuse problem by dealing with anything other than the abuse. Working on stress or anger management, alcoholism, or relationship dynamics will have little or no impact on a man’s abusiveness. (3) Criticism from people in positions of authority can sometimes have the greatest impact of any fallout that abusers experience. On the other hand, language from professionals that excuses or minimizes abuse, or that attributes responsibility partly to the victim—as in the case of a probation officer who says to a man: “You and your wife really need to work out your issues and stop abusing each other”—makes an important contribution to
enabling
the abuser.

C
OMMUNITIES

Any community group or agency can help reach abusive men by prominently displaying posters against abuse and disseminating brochures and other literature. Bear in mind that materials that prominently feature words such as
abuse
or
violence
can be useful in getting the attention of abused women, but abusers tend to think,
That isn’t me they’re talking to.
Instead, use simple questions and descriptions, such as:

The smaller print should explain that there is no excuse for a man to insult, frighten, isolate, or lie to his partner,
even if he feels that she does the same things.
Descriptions of laws and potential legal consequences are helpful, including the fact that he can be arrested for pushing, poking, restraining, or threatening his partner, even if he does not hit her. Few men are aware of this possibility, and abusers are shocked when they get arrested for such “lower-level” violence. If your area has a high-quality abuser program include the telephone number, but remember that few abusers follow through on counseling unless someone demands it of them. The main purpose of your posters and pamphlets is to educate abusers and potential abusers about
community values.

An abuser rejects at first what he hears from any of these sources. But when positive social messages begin to line up, that’s another matter. I have occasionally had physically abusive clients, for example, who have been criticized by the arresting officer, then prosecuted fully, then criticized by the judge—in addition to having a sentence imposed—then criticized by the probation officer, and then finally confronted in an abuser program. This man may also see a program on television about abuse or read a pamphlet in the waiting room of a doctor’s office. His own mother or brother may tell him that he needs to stop bullying his partner. If all these different voices reinforce each other, saying that he is responsible for his own actions, refusing to let him blame the victim, breaking the silence about the pain he is causing, and insisting that the responsibility to change rests on his shoulders alone, the abuser’s vast sense of entitlement starts to shrink. I have watched it happen. Here is where change can begin.