Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (43 page)

Abusive men don’t make lasting changes if they skip any of the above steps, and some are easier than others. Most of my clients find it fairly easy to apologize, for example. In fact, an abuser may weave apologies into his pattern of abuse, so that when he says “I’m sorry,” it becomes another weapon in his hand. His unspoken rule may be that once he has apologized, no matter how cursorily or devoid of sincerity, his partner must be satisfied; she is not to make any further effort to show her feelings about his mistreatment, nor may she demand that he fix anything. If she tries to say anything more about the incident, he jumps right back into abuse mode, yelling such things as, “I already
told
you I was sorry! Now shut up about it!”

But even a genuine and sincere apology is only a starting point. Many of my clients make it through the first three steps: They admit to a substantial portion of their abuse; they agree that their actions resulted from choice rather than loss of control; and they apologize. Then they dig in their heels at that point. An abuser’s sense of entitlement is like a rude, arrogant voice screaming inside his head. It yells at him: “You’ve given up too much already; don’t budge another inch. They already talked you into saying your abuse is all your own fault when you know she’s at least half to blame because of the shit that she does. She should be
grateful
to you for apologizing; that wasn’t easy to do. She’s lucky you’ve gone this far; a lot of guys would tell her to go screw, you know.” And the voice drags him back into the mud that he had finally taken a couple of baby steps out of.

Step number four, for example, demands that the abusive man accept his partner’s right to be angry. He actually has to take seriously the furious things that she says and
think about them
rather than using her emotional pitch as an excuse to stuff her opinions back down her throat as he has normally done. When I explain this step, my clients at first look at me as though I had an eye in the middle of my forehead. “I should do what?? When she is yelling at me, I’m supposed to just sit there and
take it
??” To which I reply, “More than that, actually. You should reflect on the points she is making and respond to them in a thoughtful way.” And then we begin practicing exactly that in the group; I ask them for examples of their partners’ angry statements and then guide them through understanding why their partners are furious and accepting their right to feel that way.

The steps go on. Steps six and seven require that he make up for what he has done, that he actually has incurred a
debt
because of his abuse. Step eight says that he has to change his behavior in the future, not just say he’s sorry for the past, and he has to stop his abusiveness
completely
and
for good.
In other words, he is truly going to have to deal with the attitudes that are driving his bullying and disrespect of his partner. Step eleven requires him to give up the privileges that his abusiveness has won him. As we go through each of these steps, some clients choose to struggle through, as hard as the process is, while others throw in the towel and resume their abusive behaviors.

T
HE
A
BUSER’S
O
UTLOOK ON
C
HANGE

To guide my clients through the work of overcoming abusiveness, I have to keep in mind the fact that they bring their usual habits, attitudes, and manipulations to the process of change itself. This is why a woman finds herself feeling like she is riding a roller coaster while her partner claims to have changed. Here are some of the attitudes that abusers commonly exhibit when their partners, or a court, or an abuse program begin demanding that they stop:

•
“The change game is just like the rest of the routine.”

Abusers can turn their manipulative skills to creating an appearance of change. This was the style we saw in Chapter 1 with Carl, who put on such a show of developing insights at his abuser group but whose treatment of Peggy was as verbally cruel as ever and was rapidly heading back toward physical violence. I couldn’t count the number of clients who come into groups of mine when they are separated from their partners and hoping for a reconciliation, or barred from the house with a restraining order and trying to get permission to return, who then vanish from the abuser program the moment they get what they want. A man may say to his partner, “I am learning so much from the abuse groups, and if you let me move back in I’ll work even harder at the program,” but as soon as his bags are unpacked, the excuses begin: The program is too expensive; he doesn’t need it anymore; he doesn’t feel comfortable being in a room with “real abusers” because he’s not like them, “you and I have just had a few little problems.”

•
“I can stop abuse by learning nonabusive ways to control and manipulate my partner.”

I hear this (mostly unconscious) attitude in the voice of the client who says to me: “I thought you were going to be giving me tools to help me manage my partner’s crazy behavior. But you aren’t helping me with that at all.” His expression
crazy behavior
is a code phrase for any way in which she stands up to him, expresses anger, or insists on maintaining a separate identity rather than just conforming to exactly what he wants her to be. A large percentage of men who join abuser programs quit within the first few weeks. They make various excuses at home, but the true reason is that they discover that the program expects them to start treating their partners with respect when they were hoping to just learn kinder, gentler approaches to running the show.

•
“Change is a bargaining chip.”

An abuser often tries to use the promise of change to cut deals, since he believes that his partner’s behaviors are just as wrong as his: “I’ll agree not to call you ‘bitch’ anymore if you don’t bug me to help clean up the children’s mess when I’m trying to watch the game. I won’t call you ‘slut’ or ‘whore’ if you give up talking to your male friends. I won’t push you up against the wall if you drop your side of an argument whenever you see that I’m really upset.” To him, these seem like fair deals, but in reality they require a woman to sacrifice her rights and freedom in return for not being abused—a coercive bargain that is in itself abusive.

•
“I don’t mind changing some of what I do as long as I don’t have to give up the attitudes and behaviors that are most precious to me.”

At some point during the first few months that a man is in my program, I usually stumble upon the core of his privilege, like a rear bunker on his terrain. He may abandon a few of his forward positions, but this fortification is where he surrounds himself with sandbags and settles in for protracted war. A client may agree to stop constantly interrupting his partner and dominating arguments, for example, but when I tell him that he needs to be doing his share of child care, even during football season, he draws the line. If being a respectful partner requires actually rising off of his behind, he’d rather be abusive. Another client may consent to stop spending all of his family’s money on himself, but if I tell him that he also has to give up his chronic pattern of having affairs, he decides the losses have become too great, and he quits.

An abuser who does not relinquish his core entitlements will not remain nonabusive.
This may be the single most-overlooked point regarding abusers and change. The progress that such a man appears to be making is an illusion. If he reserves the right to bully his partner to protect even one specific privilege, he is keeping the abuse option open. And if he keeps it open, he will gradually revert to using it more and more, until his prior range of controlling behaviors has been restored to its full glory.

Abusers attach themselves tightly to their privileges and come to find the prospect of having equal rights and responsibilities, living on the same plane as their partners, almost unbearable. They resent women who require them to change and persuade themselves that they are victims of unfair treatment because they are losing their lopsided luxuries. But they can’t change unless they are willing to relinquish that special status—one of the key pieces of work they have to do in an abuser program.

F
OR ME TO BE ABLE TO
help an abusive man change, I have to guide him past the points where he gets stuck. I explain to him that he is going to feel some guilt, for example, and that his sense of entitlement will make him want to backslide when the guilty feelings come up. I have to alert him when he starts trying to cut deals to preserve aspects of his abusive behavior and when he reverts to blaming his partner or feeling sorry for himself. I have to help him become aware of his real motives for abusive behavior. Above all, I have to confront his lack of empathy for his partner and children, pressing him to get in touch with the feelings of those he has harmed; it is my job to take away the abusive man’s privilege of turning his eyes away from the damage he has done. If the man is willing to persist through this long and difficult process, the potential for real change begins.

H
OW TO
A
SSESS AN
A
BUSER’S
C
LAIMS OF
C
HANGE

No one is in a better position than the abused woman herself to distinguish genuine progress from window dressing. A woman may call me after her partner has been in my program for a few weeks, her voice edged with anxiety and hope, to ask: “So, how is he doing? Do you think the program is working?” She’s counting on the abuse expert to look deeply into her partner’s eyes and read his potential. But I can’t do it. I have to push the umpiring back to her.

You are the only one who can judge your partner’s change. There are men who join my group and become model clients, getting the right answers and showing the appropriate emotions, yet when I talk to their partners I find out that life at home is business as usual or maybe has gotten a little worse. And I work with other men who are cantankerous during meetings, but the report I receive from the front lines is that their treatment of their partners is noticeably improved. What the client shows
me
matters little.

There are two main principles to keep in mind when deciding how much potential an abuser has to become a kind, respectful partner in the long run:

1. He cannot change unless he deals deeply with his entitled and superior attitudes. No superficial changes that he may make offer any real hope for the future.
   
2. It makes no difference how
   nice
   he is being to you, since almost all abusers have nice periods. What matters is how
   respectful
   and
   noncoercive
   he chooses to become.
   

Holding on to these fundamental points, you can use the following guide to help you identify changes that show promise of being genuine. We are looking for “yes” answers to these questions: